Men Are Idiots

The girls and I have a little drinking game called, well it’s been called many things over the years but for the sake of this blog we’ll call it “men are idiots”, we like to play. How it works is we take turns saying sometime we’ve gotten in trouble for in the past and if you haven’t gotten in trouble for the same thing you drink.

Since this is the internet and virtual beer isn’t as much fun I thought I’d change it up a little so we can play together. I’ll list some of the things the girls and I have gotten in trouble for, if you've gotten in trouble for it too let me know in the comment box and while you’re at it let me know how much trouble you got in on a scale of 0 – 10 and if you haven’t gotten in trouble for it let me know how much trouble you think someone should get in for it.

Now you know how it works let start

1. Shared a bed, fully dressed, with two friends, a boy and girl.

2. Took a call from a guy in the middle of the night (the guy was gay just for the record).

3. Came home (sober) at 6am. 

4. Forgot to leave a key for him.

5. Was admitted in to hospital sick and missed his work’s Christmas party.

6. Got drunk and kissed a female friend.

7. Took his car to get it washed before he left on a work trip.

8. Worked overtime and didn’t call him to let him know I’d be late.

9. Touched a friend new fake boob.

10. Wouldn’t get out of bed in the middle of the night to pick him and his friends up from a club.

The above list are all things at have actually started a fight for me or a friend. Some maybe justified others like the name says “men are idiots”. What random things have gotten you in trouble? Let me know in the comment box below.  

As always stay safe and don’t cause stupid fights, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

P.S My friend just launched a new website called Cheaper Than A Shrink full of all sorts of gadgets and wonderful things so head over there and have a look. 

Cheap Shot

In my last blog I spoke about how my friend got dumped and how I was trying to help her through it. I got a little bit of stick over us poking fun at his poker. Some people felt it was a “cheap shot” and something women always turn to.

First of all you make it sound like women are the only ones who take cheap shots. I’ve seen men call a size 2 girls fat so get off your high horse. We all do it and we all know what buttons to press.

Secondly it wasn’t really a cheap shot. It wasn't like she was in bed with him and asked “are you done yet, so I can finish myself off?” She was pissed off that he was jerk and broke up with her via email and need to vent. That’s perfectly fine by me, it's not like she called him out on it. The email breakup was the cheap shot in my books.

Also from my personal experience women whether they’re mad or not, will not make fun of a guys junk if he knows how to use it. I’m not going to sit here and say size doesn’t matter, because I’d be lying. There is such a thing as too small and even too big but on the whole knowing how to use it is most important.

So you’ve now heard my sleep deprived rant but what do you think, was it a cheap shot or was she justified? And while I’m asking questions does size matter? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Helping A Friend Through A Breakup

It’s been a long couple of days, one of my dear friends got dumped by a jerk and since my speciality is breakups, I’ve been at her 24 hour beck and call. Which means lots of late nights and a few makeup strained shoulders (anyone know how to get mascara out of a white shirt?).

Honestly I don’t really mind, although the first 24 hours after a breakup suck even for me. You can’t really do anything to help during that period. You just have to sit there and listen. And maybe throw out the odd “it’s going to be ok”. You can’t say anything else because they don’t want to hear it and it almost sounds a little forced. You just have to let them cry it out no matter how tough it is to watch.

When it comes to breakups I follow the saying “cry a river, build a bridge and get over it”. But unfortunately step 1 is crying the river.

Depending on how long they dated normally after 24 hours they’re ready for some humour based bad mouthing. You can’t be too mean at this point or they’ll burst into tears and say “but I love him” and nobody wants to see that mess (trust me). But if you can get them laughing 99% of time you’re golden.

With my friend the line that worked was “look on the bright side at least now you don’t have to shave his bear skin rug like back.” It was true and got a snotty laugh, gross but a good sign.

After humour bad mouthing comes my favourite part, junk and bitching. Admittedly I feel sick today after the pizza, ice cream and chocolate last night (please note no alcohol, that’s very important. NEVER give a dumpee booze) but she’s feeling better and that’s what matters. We spent the evening plotting revenge and discussing his small penis, lack of manners and how he laughs like a “brain dead hyena”.

While I’m home today recovering from last night’s junk fest she’s out with some of the other girls getting her hair and nails done. Once you stop the crying phase it’s important to look good. It makes you feel better and let’s face it, if you run into your ex there is no better revenge then looking hot (unless you're in your car when you run into him). Hell even if his friends see you they’ll report back to him so looking good is a must.

Normally after a week or so my friends are pretty much back to their normal selves. They might still have the odd tear and shouldn’t be drinking and left alone with their phone but on the whole there pretty stable at that point and the amount of calls I get reduces drastically.

I’m not sure how I ended up in this role but when my friends are crying they always ask for me. I don’t really understand it but my best guess is it’s because I don’t fed them lies, I don’t say they’ll get back together, I just listen and once they’re ready, joke with them. I mean I can’t fix it so all I can do is try to lighten things up and occasionally threaten an ex or two.

So that’s how I handle my friends when they’re going through a breakup but what do you do? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Dating Rules

After a few drinks the girls and I (and our phones) got chatting about dating rules. I’m not sure if it was the tequila or the rules but 99.9% of them made no sense at all. And the idea that there are women out there actually following these rules is just absurd. So absurd it calls for a blog.

Here are some of the gems we found.

Never divulge unnecessary information: - This rule is very true if you are being questioned by the police, however in the dating world it’s stupid. What are you going to do stick to yes or no answers all night? If you did that you’d never get a second date. A better rule would be, be smart about what you reveal and when. Not you have the right to remain silent. That’s just stupid.

If he doesn’t send flowers after a date dump him: - If a guy sent me flowers after the first date I’d be worried they were laced with chloroform. If the guy paid for the date (which he better have) there is no reason for him to send flower it’s 2012 not 1912.

Don’t have sex with a guy until he has fallen for you: - There are so many things wrong with this rule I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll just say this, don’t sleep with a guy until you feel ready that’s the only rule you need on that matter.

Wait at least 3 days before replying to him: - I don’t know one guy wroth dating that would wait 3 days for a reply. If you keep a guy waiting that long don’t be surprised when he moves on.

If he doesn’t reply to you within 3 days move on: - Double standard much? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Never reply to him on the weekends: - I know you can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes at this one. The idea is this rule makes it look like you lead a busy life. Give me a break, as my dear friend NTB would say “DON’T PLAY GAMES!” If you play games like this don’t get all pissy when he plays games back.

After many hours and way too many cocktails the 5 of us (4 girls and our GBFF) managed to find a few dating rules we all agreed on. One thing is for sure you can be damn certain we didn’t find them on any Christian dating sites (“Don’t kiss him until there is a rock on your finger”, I’m still laughing at that one.).

These are the rules we all agreed on

Trust your instincts: - If you think something isn't right odds are you're spot on.

Sometimes sex is just sex: - Don’t try to make it something more then what it is.

Being single isn’t the end of the world: - You’d never know it by the way some girls act.

Dating is meant to be fun: - Enjoy it don’t treat it like a job interview.

Drunk is not sexy: - This is true for both men and women. No your limits and stop drinking before you reach them.

Speak your mind; you won’t scare away Mr. Right: - I love this rule because I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut if I wanted to.

And last but not least

No man is perfect and neither are you

Those are the rules we could all agree on and hopefully they’re a little less crazy then some of the other ones out there. What do you guys think? Are there any we missed? And are there any other dating rules you find absolutely absurd? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Relationship Equality

I’m beginning to think when it comes to the term “relationship equality” men and women have two very different definitions. So different I’m not sure they’re even written in the same language.

When men hear the term relationship equality their brain jumps to physical things like not paying for their date.

When women hear the term relationship equality our brain jumps to emotional/mental things like having an equal say in what happens, where we go, how we get there.

They’re two very different things, and probably the reason why women and men don’t see eye to eye on the topic.

 A lot of men think women mistake equality for chivalry and women think men are idiots.

Take going out for dinner as an example.

Man’s view of equality: The bill comes he pays his half, you pay yours. Or he pays the whole thing and you two go to his afterwards for sex and that balances things out.

Women’s view equality: When making plans where to eat her and her boyfriend talk about where to eat and when together and come to an agreement.

The two sexes really aren’t on the same page.

A farther example of that is men think women see them paying the bill as chivalry. They’re idiots. We see you paying as compensation for the time and money we spent getting ready for the date. Do men think we roll out of bed with a full face of makeup and our hair perfect?

If men think paying half the bill is equality in a relationship, how about we take equal time getting ready for a date too. See how long that lasts before they’re whining about areas needing shaving/waxing and us looking like we just rolled out of bed.

Relationship equality is a strange subject both sides are looking for two very different things out of that statement and neither side is completely wrong or right.

It’s all about give and take and I think on the whole relationships tend to balance out. Women have sex when we really don’t want to; men go to see the latest chick flick they don’t want to. Men want to get drunk and watch sports in peace, we want a nice meal. Everything equals out.

I think the term needs to be replace everything was fine before we started talking about “relationship equality”. It’s give and take and if you’re giving or taking too much it’s called YOU’RE NOT MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!

That’s my opinion let me know yours in the comment box below. As always my dear stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The 90 Day Rule

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Yep, It's My Fault

“The problem is you pick the wrong guys” – People who suck at breakup advice

With the exception of Mr. X my relationship problems have nothing to do with the men I pick. And has everything to do with the fact relationships turn otherwise nice guys into pricks.

I’m not the sort of person who goes out with a guy once and then he’s my boyfriend. I like to get to know my prospective boyfriends. I like to befriend them first, get to know them. See if they’re good boyfriend material or if they have more issues then playboy.

I’m selective with my boyfriends, I don’t go for “bad boys” or guys who are rude or disrespectful. That’s just a massive turn off to me. I like nice guys who are independent, who have the ability to make their own decisions and not follow the crowd. I like a guy who has his own beliefs and morals and stick to them. It’s not like I go for jerks and cheaters I put every effort in to screen them out.

I’m not a high maintenance girlfriend either so why men turn into assholes when they’re in a relationship is beyond me. My requests in a relationship are simple; I like a good night text and message if you’re running late. Clearly the makings of pushing a man over the edge.

It just infuriates me when people assume the girl is the problem, and it’s her fault things end poorly in a relationship.

Of course it’s my fault; I’m the one inserting his dick into other women. Yep it’s my fault I put his tongue in that girl mouth. Completely my fault I wrote the script he read when he lied to me. Give me a fucking break.

I know I’m not innocent and I’ve fucked up in the past and I own that. I’m by no means perfect. But neither are the guys I’ve dated and to pin their fuck ups on me is low and pathetic. Grow the hell up.

That’s my rant on the matter, what do you guys think. Is it the girls fault when a relationship doesn’t end well? As always dolls, stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Questionable Penis

There is something that has baffled women for years and I have to ask, why do guys take pictures of their junk and send it to us?

On behalf of women everywhere “STOP”! I don’t know what response you’re hoping for but I can guarantee you’re not getting it.

When we receive these unsolicited pictures our first response is to laugh, men look funny naked, it’s just a fact of life. While we’re laughing we’re also scanning the picture for information. This may sound strange but women are nosey and by scanning a picture of this type I managed to find out the guy I was chatting to was married. See, not so strange, it’s smart.

After all the laughing subsides, we begin to wonder why any guy in their right mind would want to show that off. Guys in these pictures always look so proud and after seeing more then my fair share I can safely say they shouldn’t be. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a well hung picture flasher.

Picture flasher is the technical name my friends and I have come up with for this phenomenon. Unlike their flasher cousins these men don’t wear trench coats they’re just armed with digital cameras.

I’m sorry to tell you this guys but on the whole women just aren’t turned on by seeing a dick. There is actually scientific research to back me up on that statement.

Men are mainly turned on visually; they can see something and thier little friend pops up to play.

Women on the other hand are more turned on by sound. We like to hear the interaction and hear that everything is being enjoyed. So because of that fact women are never going to ravage you just because you held your camera up to your junk.

The other thing you may not be aware of is women talk. We also share picture and when we share these pictures nice things are never spoken. I would say for every 1 picture you send 3 women and a guy see it.

If I had my way all the unsolicited pictures would be posted online with a picture of the guys face next to it. That way all women could see it and judge and or laugh for themselves.

Also by sending us these pictures you’re just setting yourself up for failure. If we decided to see your manhood in person, you know what we’re thinking. We’re thinking it’s a lot smaller than in the picture both in length and girth. Keeping in mind we probably didn’t think it was that big to begin with. That’s what you call double disappointment.

And double disappointment is the number one cause of faked orgasms.

Play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Most Annoying Words In The English Language

Are there any more annoying words in the English language then “send me a pic”?

It’s like the modern day equitant of sharing a bed with a women and repeatedly poking her in the back while she’s trying to sleep.

Give it a fucking rest!

First of all, are men aware how whiny and needy they sound when they’re repeatedly asking? It’s like a small child throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store because he can’t have any candy. Nobody wants to fuck a man-child.

If all you really wanted was a picture you wouldn’t have to ask, it’s called Facebook. Pretty much everyone on the planet has more than their fair share of pictures on there. But you don’t really want a picture do you? You want something to cum over but instead of being honest you take the slimy road. And then wonder why the girl is getting irritated with you.

Of course your cure to the irritation you caused is to butter us up with comments about how good we look or your “feeling” for us. You couldn’t be any more transparent. It’s pathetic.

What I don’t understand is, if your goal is to get laid how does pissing off women get you closer to that goal? It makes no sense to me.

The whole thing is just a blatant insult to our intelligence. Then men wonder why women think romance is dead. We think it’s dead because pretty much every nice thing that comes out of a man’s mouth seems to be followed by “send me pic.”

How would you like it if we related everything nice we said to a picture? Image this, you’re making out with a hot girl, it’s all going great then she says “oh you’re so hard”.....”But it looked a lot bigger in the pic.” Mood killer right? Cheapens the whole thing, and that’s what you do to us every, single time you ask.

There is a time and place for pictures and if you have to ask it’s not the right time and you don’t deserve one.

Play Safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Stop Knocking Up Chavs

Lately it seems instead of ending up with nice, sweet, respectable girls all my guys friends are ending up with the first chav they knock up.

It’s starting to drive me crazy. Forgetting the fact I have to be nice to these “women”, I just think almost all of my guy friends can do better and I hate to see them throw away their life’s over misplaced sperm.

I’m not even sure who I’m madder at, the women who trap these guys or my guy friends who are falling for this BS.

There are many ways not to get pregnant, birth control, condoms, vibrator or just keeping your fucking legs shut. They are all very effective so how all these women are catching pregnancy like it’s a disease is beyond me.

Then I have my guy friends who decide since she’s having their baby they have to be with her. Are you stupid? That’s not the way it works! The only person you are responsible for is that child.

It always amazes me how these guys will repeatedly slag off these women and then the second they find out she’s having a baby they’re magically in love. What a load of shit.

You’re not in love, you’re in trouble. Feelings don’t magically appear in the snap of a finger. I'm not sure who’s worse in all of this, the women who aren’t responsible enough to take birth control or the guys go fall for this BS. Grow a back bone already.

Call me old fashion but I thought the idea was to fall in love and get married not to fall in sperm and settle.

Anyway that’s my rant on the matter. Let me know what you think. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Comfort Sex

One of my readers sent me an article from the Huffington post about comfort sex. He wanted to know if it was true that women really did this. I could have answered his question before I read the article; of course women have comfort sex.

I think the article does a good job of explaining what comfort sex is. It’s not mind blowing sex. It’s good sex. That pretty much goes the same every time you’re together. There is nothing life changing or special about it, just solid reliable sex. And the reason it’s called comfort sex is because it releases endorphins and leaves you with a warm and safe feeling afterwards.

All women do this whether they are single or in a relationship. Like chocolate sometimes sex is just what you need (and it’s a lot better for you then the chocolate.)

Bad day, pissed off, broke a nail, boss is being a prick or ran into an ex’s new girlfriend are all reasons we turn to comfort sex. It’s a very quick and effective way of turning a frown upside down.

Sex has the magic ability to change our moods and there is nothing wrong with tapping into that power to uplift our sprits when we’re down. Some people pop pills others have orgasms.

As long as what you’re doing doesn’t leave you feeling worse in the morning in book it’s all a good thing. Sometimes we all need the comfort that sex can bring.

Stay safe guys, Love

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

P.S Is there such a thing as comfort making out?

Double Standard

Why can’t women express their negative opinions about another woman without sounding like a catty bitch?

Men can say what they want about women, hell they can say whatever they want about other men and nobody bats an eyelash. But the second a women says something negative about anyone but particularly another women she’s a bitch or jealous or both. And the more she defends her opinion the worse she sounds.

I’m well aware I’m a bitch I don’t even try to hind that fact. But I’d like to be able to express an opinion about another female without people thinking that. I’m sure guys don’t know this because they’re blinded by the presents of boobs but sometimes females look a mess and because we don’t get boob blind we see what you don’t. That doesn’t make us catty, it makes us capable of seeing what is in front of us. It’s that same ability that lets us look at your penis and question the accuracy of the ruler you were using.

It always makes me laugh, guys have no issue listening to female talk about how good looking another female is. Hell most guys think it‘s hot but the second it turns negative we’re right back to catty bitch. You don’t see us calling guys catty bitches when they call another guy a douche bag do you?

It’s such a double standard and it drives me drives. Why can’t we just be honest about our opinions and not have to worry about how it’s being taken? I mean everyone has an opinion and everyone should be free to express it, not just the half of the population with a penis.

Anyways my dears I’m heading off for the evening. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo