Shit My Friend's Say

I have the best group of friends a person could ask for; however they aren’t the sanest group of people you’ll ever meet. We all have a love for something creative be it art, writing, acting or music; we’re all very creative people.

There is a stereotype that creative people are kind of nuts and well, we don’t disappoint on that front.  The things that come out of our mouths are enough to make the average person wonder about our mental stability. However when we can make someone inside our group think that, well that’s just impressive.

This week my friends have been on fire, so I thought I’d share some of the funny, random and downright head hurting stuff that has flown out of their mouths.

Starting with......

“I am a horny ice cube.” – This is, believe it or not, how one of my dear friends introduced himself to someone I use to work with. Some who I’m willing to bet is un-friending me on Facebook as I write this.

“We’ve all been there a hot guy undresses and then boom there it is a tiny penis and instantly he’s hotness diminishes by like 600%. Do men have that same problem?” I have no comment for this at all, unless you want to answer her “do men have that same problem?” Sometimes I think I need new friends.

“Sex is like riding a kangaroo.” I can’t tell you where she was going with this one because she never got to finish it, because that’s what happens when you randomly blurt out “sex is like riding a kangaroo.”

“The stars are like the sun’s illegitimate bastard children.” This was said when I had people over for a late Thanksgiving last weekend. We were sat outside waiting for dessert and this gem fell out of one my friend’s mouths.

“Men like women to wear make-up while they’re having sex so they can tell if they’re doing a good job or not. The more clown-like the make-up looks the better job he did.” .......Really I think I could use some new friends. On second thought that one could be true, men’s minds are pretty messed up places after all.

So that’s some of the random things that my friends have said, what random things have your friends said let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Irked

Normally in my blogs I try to give advice or words of wisdom so you guys can learn from my many, many mistakes but in this blog I need your advice.

It’s my cousin’s 21^st soon and I was planning on sending her some lovely flowers and chocolates for her birthday. But then someone pointed out something that has been bugging me for a while and now I’m not sure I want to bother.

When I lived in Canada we were super close. We saw each other almost every day and when I moved we stayed close until 3 years ago when she had her daughter. Even though we weren’t as close as we use to be I’ve always made a point of sending gifts over for her daughter.

She’s a full time student, lives with her boyfriend at her parents’ house and has a nearly 3 year old daughter so I figure money must be tight so I don’t expect anything back. But what has irked me is she never says thank you.

Last Christmas I spent £120 on her daughter (that’s almost $200) and she didn’t even tell me the present arrived. When I asked her in February about it she said “yeah”, and her daughter loved it but she hated it (It was an annoying Sesame Street Lets Rock Elmo so that’s how it should be.) But she never said thank you.

I know she has a kid but last time I checked they ruin your body not your manners.

I’m not sure what to do now, part of me wants to send something because that’s what you do when it’s someone’s birthday but the other part of me thinks if she can’t bother with 9 key storks why should I bother?

So what you do you think, should I sent something or should I keep my money and time and put it to better use. Let me know in the comment box below.

And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Somewhat Twisted Logic

This isn’t going to be one of my normal blogs, this is me trying to prove to some of my friends that my “lateral thinking” hasn’t taken a nose dive into nuts lands.

I’m not a typical girl, I hate high heels. I figure I’m 5”7 that’s tall enough and why on earth should my feet hurt for the sake of a couple more inches. So I live in flats.

Most of the year, I rock flip flops and when that’s not appropriate ballet pumps. When it gets too cold for that I love my chucks. The only issue I have is that I live in England and it rains all the freaking time. And as I’m sure you can imagine flip flops, ballet pumps and canvas shoes all have one common problem......they aren’t water proof.

Since I believe there is almost nothing worse than wet cold feet I’ve been on a mission to find some winter water proof boots, a mission that has lasted more than two years. Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian but I know there is a HUGE difference between water proof and water restraint, and I will not settle of water restraint.

Last week I decided my hunt was useless and gave up and bought a cute pink and white pair of chucks, using this....somewhat twisted logic to justify it.

Since I can’t find a nice pair of winter boots that will do the job, and it’s just going to be a fact of life that my feet will be wet most of the winter I decided I need a new pair of chucks so that while on pair dries my feet can be nice and dry in a  different pair and the more pairs I have the more dry my feet will be.

This makes perfect sense to me; my guy friends on the other hand can’t see the logic at all and think I’ve clearly lost my mind. So I bring the questions to you have I lost my mind or does my somewhat twisted logic make sense? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe. I also posed the first part of The Enigma Project last weekend so be sure to check that out.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Lesson Learned

While researching an upcoming blog I came across a lot of ridiculous dating rules and my first response was “if you have to implement any special rules in a relationship, the relationship isn’t worth it.”

It seems completely logical, if you can’t make a relationship work with common decency, it’s just not meant to be, you shouldn’t need stupid little rules to make it work.

As logical as this seems to me now, this was one lesson I had to learn.

A few years back when I was dating The Grinch, I put in place the “teddy clause”.  This was a rule that stated every time he messed up and made me cry he had to buy me a teddy bear.

My thought behind it was if he had to send money and go to girly places to buy teddy bears every time he messed up he might change his attitude. Kind of like a swear jar with teddy bears.

The rule was pretty much completely ineffective. I ended up with a lot of lovely teddy bears and he ended up still being a dick.

Looking back now, it’s more than clear he didn’t give a flying fuck about how his actions were affecting me. What I should have done in hindsight is dump his sorry fuck-wit ass and moved on to bigger and better things.

Nobody needs people like that in their life’s, it’s not worth that headaches and stress. Life is too short to deal with assholes.

I like to try and take something positive from all my relationships even if it’s just a lesson learned and by me sharing these lessons with you guys hopefully you won’t make my mistakes. 

So what other relationship lessons have you guys learned? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Mouth Hell

I want to start by apologizing for being a bad blogger. I took last weekend off for Thanksgiving and then this weekend I missed because, well, I looked like the elephant man and wasn't feeling too hot because of that.

This past week I’ve been in mouth hell.

Wednesday I had an hour long dentist appointment to have a crown done because I broke a tooth eating a bowl of fruit loops (I kid you not; I broke a tooth eating cereal). I don’t know if you’ve ever had a crown done but it’s not fun. They take like 4 different types of molds and it’s just a lot of stuff that makes you want to bite the dentist. Plus you’re frozen and I hate that.

Once I was home and the freezing had worn off, I discovered my bite felt off and I mean way off. It feels like the crown is a foot too high. I was also in a fair bit of pain because the molding trays pissed off my wisdom teeth. I decided to just suck it up and hope things would settle after a few days........They didn’t.

My wisdom tooth decided it hated me and got itself infected. And I’m not talking a little infected, I’m talking couldn’t open my open, swollen face, sore throat, ear ache and feeling sick infected. I spent most of the weekend looking like I escaped a freak show.

Thankfully I’m feeling a little better now. My ear and mouth still hurt but I’m looking a lot less post boxing matchy. Saying that my bite is still off and every time I chew on the crown side it feels like I’m chewing on tin-foil.

It’s not much fun but I’m still not ready to give in a go back to the dentist. Why you ask? Because this sucks, but it sucks a lot less then the nightmare that was having my lower right wisdom tooth pulled.

Here’s the short version of that story; I went to the emergency dentist because my right upper wisdom tooth hurt like hell and my jaw was swollen. The dentist decided to pull my lower wisdom tooth because “it’s easier” and “should help”. The dumb bitch then struggled to freeze the area, once she did, I then spent and an hour in the chair while her assistant held my head and the dentist pulled.  

I still have nightmares about the whole thing so needless to say my other 3 wisdom teeth are staying where they are. Maybe that’s why most people get all 4 pulled at once. I’ve never been one to do things the easy way.

So what wisdom teeth stories do you guys have? Who knows maybe it’ll make me or someone else feel a little better. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Happy Thanksgiving

Normally I spend this holiday thinking about all my friends and family back home that I miss dearly and am very thankful to still have in my life. It’s a hard holiday to spend on the other side of the planet away from the people you care most about.

Despite that, I thought in the spirit of Thanksgiving I’d take a few minutes to think of some of the things I’m thankful for on this side of the planet.

I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve been able to have here which I wouldn’t have had back home. England is full of history and I’ve been able to learn and experience it here rather than reading about it in some book.

I’m thankful you finish school here at the age of 16. My learning style has always been more hands on, so I’ve always sucked at tests. I can’t tell you what I know but I can sure as hell show you. So I’m thankful to have gone to college here where my work was able to speak for itself.

I’m actually thankful for all the idiots who have crossed my path while I’ve been over here. They have made me stronger and more certain of where I stand of things, my beliefs, what’s right and wrong. Being here has given me the chance to figure these things out for myself.

The other reason I’m thankful for all those idiots is because without them I wouldn’t be sat here blogging now. And I would have missed out on chatting and getting to know some really awesome people.

I am also, of course, thankful for my readers. You guys bring a lot of perceptive to what I write about and reminder me there is some good left out there. Plus if it wasn’t for you guys, I’d just be some crazy person talking to herself.

So that's what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving, what are you guys thankful for? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always have a great day and stay safe.

Happy Thanksgiving, Gobble, Gobble,

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Don't Wake This Bitch Up

The male brain or lack thereof astonishes me sometimes.

On what planet does calling someone who is already mad at you, in the middle of the night and waking them up, sound like a good idea?

I tell you on what planet, none! Nobody likes being woken up in the middle of the night, FACT! And when the jackass waking you up is someone you don’t want anything to do with it’s made a million times worse.

I know men can be a little inept when it comes to dealing with women but this isn’t so much a women thing as it is a logic thing.

You can’t make someone forgive you by pissing them off more. That’s not how the world works.

The amount of men who have pulled this bullshit on me is unreal and after someone tried this again on me last night I feel the need to let it be known this is unacceptable behavior  You aren’t going to win anyone back by being an inconsiderate asshole.

I actually make a point to blocking the numbers of guys who have done this to me. It’s just rude and pushy. Who are they to say they’re more important than my sleep? If you’re trying to get back in my good graces putting your needs above mine is a pretty shitting way of doing so.

 I’m sure I’m not alone in liking my communication with people I’m no longer care for to be done during business hours. When I’m already in the most people are idiots mindset. I don’t want that crap flittering into my down time. That’s my time to do what I wish with whoever I wish.

So you tell me am I over reacting or is waking someone up in the middle of the night for your own selfish reasons crossing the line? And how do you handle being woken up by idiots from your past. Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo

Brain Mouth Disconnect

I’m not a people person at the best of times, shocking I know coming from someone who has worked in customer services. But I’m an only child and because of that my ability to handle people’s BS is limited. Unless of course I’m being paid, it’s amazing how a paycheck makes people seems less idiotic.

My friends have been commenting a lot recently about me being slightly more “evil” than normal. My ability to play nice seems to have gone on an extended holiday without informing anyone. It’s like my brain has just given up on trying to controlling my mouth.

The amount of times I’ve heard “you can’t say that” over the past few weeks is ridiculous. You’d think by now they’d understand clearly I can say that because I did.

Some of my friends think the reason I’m currently breaking the bitch scale is because I need to get laid. I hate to tell them but sex or lack thereof isn’t my problem, it’s a lot simpler than that.

The problem is the NHL took my damn hockey away. I’m a Canadian with no hockey; there aren’t many problems bigger than that. People think Canadians are kind and well mannered.  Ha, take away our hockey and see how well mannered we are.

At least for me hockey is a release. Well more so the hockey fights. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picture Orr beating the shit out of someone who’s been riding my last nerve. God help everyone if the hockey season gets totally cancelled, I’ll have to start walking around with a hockey stick beating pests up myself.

Actually even if they end the lockout that sounds like a lot fun almost as much fun as ramming a shopping cart into an asshole who standing there blocking the whole damn aisle.

Ok maybe I’m a little more bitchy then normal right now. So since I don’t want to go to jail for beating someone to death with a hockey stick what releases do you guys have? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

That Cures That

I don’t think of myself as a shallow person, I mean anyone whose taken one look at my exes could tell you that but once in a while something happens that makes me question that statement.

I had one of those moments yesterday when someone I use to have a HUGE crush on posted a recent picture of himself on Facebook. The second his picture hit my screen my immediate reaction was “well that cures that crush”.

Almost as soon as the words left my mouth I started to feel guilty for having such a shallow reaction. He is a lovely guy who any girl would be lucky to have, with that being said.... I’ll pass.

On the bright side even though my reaction makes me a horrible person at least it proves I had no real feelings for him. My love/sex life tends to follow the saying “love is blind but lust has 20/20 vision.”

In other words the guys I date tend to be descendants of Frankenstein and my meaningless fun has all been extremely drool worthy. Maybe I should work on swopping those two around.

But either way it appears I have discovered the cure for a long term crush. Who knew it would be as simple as an extremely unflattering Facebook picture (now if I can just get Mr. X to upload one I’d be set.)

So what crush cures do you guys have and what saying sums up your love/sex life? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay, and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Cautionary Tale

I’m sure you guys remember me telling you about my Internet spite dating which I’ve now decided to put on the back burner because, in all honestly if that’s what’s available, I’m glad I’m single.

The only non-weirdo on there was a guy named Mike I went to college with and I didn’t need a dating site to introduce me to someone I already knew. Also despite what the site had to say, we’re not a match. He’s a great guy but neither of us are interested.

Back to the internet dating, I told you guys about a lot of the guys on their however I didn’t tell you about one guy, I’m going to call Adam because well that’s his name.

He was a few years younger than me and didn’t live locally, however he was moving down here to go to university in just a few weeks. He said he was only on the dating site to try and met some people before he moved. He wasn’t my type at all but since he was looking for friends rather than a relationship I didn’t mind.

Everything started off fine, he came across a little overly keen but I didn’t really think too much of it. I should have. Because over the next 2 weeks Adam sent me a ridiculous amount of messages, I’m talking well over a thousand messages. He was becoming clingy and needy and if he saw I was online on the dating site, he turned into a PMSing little whiny ass girl and this was all before I had even met him in person.

Then he sent me this message, “Did you ever really want to meet me? Were you ever interested?”

That is what I call a “Game Over” message. That is the point where you’d have to lack any IQ at all not to walk away.

We had been chatting 3 weeks at the most when he sent that message. For most of that time we didn’t even live in the same city. You’d have to be stupid to meet a guy after that. This story has evening news written all over it.

And that’s like my only goal in life, not to end up on the evening news as one of those cautionary stories.

So what do you guys think am I over reacting or am I right to block and delete this weirdo, let me know in the comment box below. And while you’re at it, tell me you’re weirdo stories I’d love to hear them.

As always, stay and play safe, love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxox

Enigma?

Joel and I have decided to team up to work on an experiment of sorts called “Enigma?”

Instead of me trying to explain the idea behind it, here’s a link that should bring you up to speed.

I think it’s going to be a lot of fun for us to write and hopefully just as much fun for you guys to read. 

But for this project to work, we’re going to need your help. We need you to send us some questions you’d love to have answered by the opposite sex. You can either leave them here, tweet me (@TheHonestBitch), Email me (Ms.HonestB@gmail.com), or if you’re feeling a little feisty tweet Joel (@sparkyjcs)

Let me know what you guys think, Love you,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Women and Porn

Someone sent me a question on twitter asking me if women watch porn, and if so why? Since he isn’t the first man to ask this question I thought I’d turn it into a blog. So let’s start with the first part of the question.

Do women watch porn? YES!! Yes, women do indeed watch porn.

Now on to part two of that question, why? There are a lot of reasons why....

Reason 1: Safety: The only thing you’re likely going to catch from porn is a computer virus, making it a lot safer than sex. I’m not just talking about STDs here, I’m also talking about physical safety; every time you invite a stranger into your house it comes with a risk.

Reason 2: its their Boyfriend’s: This is probably the second biggest reason women watch porn.  They come across it on their boyfriend’s computer and can’t help but check it out to see what kind of freaking stuff their boyfriend is into.

Reason 3: Education: A lot of women watch porn to learn new moves. Ever wonder where you’re girlfriend leaned that new move she used on your birthday? Porn.

Reason 4: Sex Buddies Have Lives Too: They aren’t always there when you need them and as I’m sure you know horny waits for no one.

Reason 5: To Explore Secret Fantasies: Women can be a little shy about these things and through watching these sorts of films they can explore that side of themselves.

Reason 6: To get in the Mood: Women unlike men need a build up; we can’t just snap our fingers and be ready to go. Porn helps with the build up and good job too because a lot men suck at foreplay.

Reason 7: A Lacking Partner: Some guys just can’t get the job done or Mother Nature wasn’t kind to them in the size department porn lets us to escape that reality.

Reason 8: We Need a Good Laugh: It’s not unheard of for women to get together and drink wine and laugh at porn. Some porn can be hot, yes. But a lot of it is ridiculous. No woman is into it that much.

 Reason 9: Curiosity: A lot of porn has a certain freak show quality about it, whether its boobs that can function as floatation devices or people doing things that science can’t explain. Sometimes you just have to look.

Reason 10: To Orgasm: This may come as a shock to some men but the number one reason why women watch porn is to get off; women get horny too, hence the whole Ann Summer’s being a thing. Plus who do you think is keeping all those battery companies in business? Sex toys are a billion dollars a year businesses and most of that comes from women. What did you think we were using those toys for, to make sandwiches?  Think again.

So hopefully that answered some of the questions my handful of male readers had and to my female readers, do you watch porn and why? Let me and them know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Good on Paper Guy

We’ve all been there, a lovely guy who is everything you should want in boyfriend, he is perfect on paper, but in reality you’d rather pull your eye lashes out one by one then actually date him.

Such was the case with my good on paper date a few weeks ago Kyle. He was a lovely guy, well mannered, hell the guy brought flowers, who does that anymore. But the date was less fun then a root canal.

He’s what I call a paint by numbers guy, everything had a place and time, was planned out and that isn’t me. I’m a goofball, I like to have fun and he, wasn’t. Thinking about it I don’t think I laughed at all during the date.

Guys always bitch that women say they want a guy that can make them laugh but we don’t. I’m here as living proof to tell you, that is what we want. This guy is not getting a second chance because he failed to make me laugh...and to be any fun at all.

I should have known better, I’ve never gone for the good on paper guys; they’re just not for me. That’s not to say I like bad boys because I don’t. For me the most important thing in a relationship is a spark. That spark is what makes you want to work on things or even put any effect in, in the first place. Without that spark you may as well be dating your brother,

So that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think? What is the most important thing to you, good on paper, good in bed, spark or something else, let me know in the comment box below.

As always my lovelies stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Poorly Week with A Little Smile

I guess you’re probably wondering where on earth I’ve been this past week. Well thanks to my doctor and his infinite wisdom I’ve not been very well. He decided to mess around with my pills and put me on something called Gabapentin.

Gabapentin sucks!! I’m not sure what it’s meant to do but all it’s done for me is make me feel like a zombie and cause me to throw up. Just what everyone wants for their pills. All the side effects with none of the results.

Luckily I’m starting to feel less like a zombified throw-up queen and more like a human. That may have a little something to do with me not listening to my doctor. He told me to stick it out a little longer.....I decided to go a different way, a way that involves much less vomit.

Besides explaining where I’ve been this past week, what I want to do with this blog is give a little shout out to Steve Dangle. Since I’m pretty sure none of you know who he is since his target audience is sports crazed men and mine is women who are fed of men, let me tell you.

He is a YouTuber, he also works for CBC and there is some weird zoo connection too which I’m not really sure I want to know about.

The reason I want to give him a shout out is because one morning while I was enjoying the side effects (aka throwing my guts up). I heard the mailman put something through the door. When I looked I spotted an envelope with Canadian stamps on it. When I opened it I found a Shea Weber card and a short note from Steve Dangle. And despite the rocky start to my day, I couldn’t help but smile. And I just wanted to thanks him for that. (See I’m not always a bitch, just most of the time).

The reason he sent the card is kind of awesome. He decided he wanted to show his appreciation to his viewers and to do so he decided to send out some common hockey cards. Which if you ask me, is a lovely gesture; one that I’m sure is costing him a pretty penny in postage.

It’s rare to see someone gain success and still care about their original audience. And for that I have to show him some love. Plus anyone who can make a throwy-upy zombie smiles deserves that much.

Anyone else thinking a week of being sick has made me soft?

Anyways I’m going to leave you with a question that has nothing at all to do with this post because...I can.

Someone left me a comment on one of blogs saying you should wait at least a year before sleeping with someone. What do you guys think about that and how long do you think you should wait before sleeping with someone? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Spite Leads To Date

Who says spite is a bad thing? This spiteful bitch has a date Saturday night with a guy who......sounds good on paper.

For blogging sake I’m going to call him Kyle. According to his profile he is 6”3, has brown hair, blue eyes, non-smoker who has a bachelor’s degree and works in the health care profession. It also says he has no kids and no pets.

On paper he sounds good but there are two things on his profile I do not like.

The first one is it says his longest relationship is less than a year. That’s a bit of a worry. At 28 you’d expect a person to have had at least one serious relationship. And I think it’s safe to say if it lasted less than 12 months, it wasn’t serious. And if it was, the guy isn’t rational.

The other thing I don’t like is his interests or rather the sports he listed; Football (soccer), cricket and golf. Soccer is a girls sport played by drama queens that are in desperate need of an acting class. Cricket is just dull, I’d much rather watch paint dry. And golf, well it’s ok to play but watching it is the best sleeping pill around.

There is also the problem that I can’t decide whether he’s good looking or not. In some pictures he’s cute and in other’s I’ll pass so god only knows what I’ll get Saturday night.

We’ve been texting each other for about a week now and he seems like a really sweet guy, but I’m a twisted individual and sweet doesn’t really do it for me. I like my men to have a bit of fire in them and I’m not sure he has that.

I thought writing this post might help ease my nerves some.....it didn’t. Its actually made it worse. So I think I’m going to stop now.

So what first date advice do you guys have for me, let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest and very nervous Bitch

xoxoxo