The Honest Bitch Uses Four Lettered Words

On what fucking planet is this an acceptable message to send to someone? “Hi sexy lady u need cock yet”

I kid you not I received this message from a guy who is almost 30 years old. He has two fucking kids. How is this acceptable from someone who is meant to be a grown ass man? 

I don’t even have a blog based around this message, I’m too fucked off. I just want this out there so the next time someone asks why I’m such a bitch, the answer is clear. I’m a bitch because men made me this fucking way.

Would it kill people to use their fucking brain once in awhile? I mean what did he think I’d say? “Come over now, I want your cock”? Dream on buddy, I have standards and self respect. What a fucking slimy creep.

Anyways since I’ve told you what turns me into a bitch, what turns you into one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and murder asshole men safely.

-The Honest Bitch 

Guys around the Globe

Buy Here

I’m currently reading “Guys around the Globe” by Chloe G. Wilde, I’m about half way through and so far I love it. As the title would lead you to believe it’s about her experiences with men around the world, some of which are frankly hilarious. It’s a very entertaining read and makes me feel a whole lot better knowing I’m not the only one who ends up in these weird situations. The book is definitely worth a read, I’ll include a link so you can check it out.

My only problem with the book is it pokes a massive hole in my theory that English guys are my problem. She’s having some of the same problems I’m having and her guys are from Germany, France, Italy, Africa and everywhere in-between (That’s sounds bad but you know what I mean).  

I’ve always said my issue with people on this side of the ocean is they don’t get me, guys in particularly. We’re just two different beasts that shouldn't mix and that’s why there was a giant ocean separating us in the first place.

I figured the answer to all my dating BS and nightmares was to find a Canadian guy. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe guys everywhere are assholes and my low bullshit tolerance is the problem.

What do you guys think, are guys everywhere the same or is there a difference? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Backup Plan

“If we’re both single by the time we’re 40 we’ll get married.” 

We’ve all made these pacts, the age varies but fundamentally they’re the same. If you are both single at your predetermined pathetic age, screw the idea of true love, you have a backup plan.

We’ve all made these pacts, and they’re normally done with two types of people.

Type 1: Someone you have a spark with but for whatever reason a relationship just didn’t/couldn’t happen.

Or

Type 2: A friend who you love dearly, but could never imagine doing anything sexual with in a million years.

My pact was with a “type 2” guy I’m going to call Alex. We had a deal that if we got to 40 and were both single we’d marry each other. Alex was the perfect backup plan guy. Not overly good looking (but not ugly), not great with the ladies but a total sweetheart. As bad as it sounds I kind of thought he’d be single forever. Boy was I wrong. Alex got married almost 5 years ago. So much for my backup plan eh?

Thursday night I received a message from one of my ghosts, I’m going to call this one Logan. Logan and I go way back, B.S back (Before Sex). We never actually dated but we did sleep together.... a lot. I guess you could call him my first fuck friend.

Anyways back to the message; one of the first things Logan said to me was “I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, do you remember our deal?” I don’t remember what I had for dinner last night, so how does anyone expect me to remember a deal I made years ago. To give me a hint he then said “when we turn 30?” At which point a drunken flash back hit me. Oh that deal. Apparently my backup had a backup.

First of all, since when do men actually listen? I don’t even remember that conversation, so how the hell does he. I mean I always thought cleavage power overrides the male memory.

And second of all, Logan now has the record for being the scariest ghost ever. Most ghosts pop up for sex, this........well this is new.

As for why I don’t remember the deal, well Logan is a “type 1” and I think he may have banged the memory out of my head. That happens, right?

Now don’t worry I’m not about to marry anyone let own Logan. I would like to think I’ve come a long way since my banging Logan days. And I’m not about to regress that far.

However the thought hunts me. I mean, what if he by some screwed up act of a vengeful god was the one? I would have wasted the past 10 years of my life. 10 years! That’s like my worst nightmare ever.

Does anyone actually marry their back up plan? Do people do that? I have to ask, do you have a back-up plan? And if so if it came down to it would you marry them? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Unfriending Hockey

After my last few blog posts I thought I’d better message Mr. X to see just how much trouble I was in. And then this conversation happened.......

Me: I don’t like surprises so care to tell me if I’m in any trouble for anything I’ve written lately?

Mr. X: no

           But you are bitter

           Did you not consider why I am in an open relationship?

Me: I’m not bitter and no I didn’t

Mr. X: fair enough

Me: Because you wanted to watch me snap? Lol

Mr. X: no

          because I want a closed relationship with her

          and this is my in

Me: Good luck with that one

Mr. X: I don’t need luck any more

Me: y?

Mr. X: We’ve agreed to be exclusive last night

Me:  Cool

        Well done

Mr. X: Thanks

Me: Don’t screw it up

Mr. X:  I won’t

           so sorry

           no more flirting

Me: Not a problem

       Good luck Mr. X [I used his actual surname of course]

After I sent him that message I did something I’ve never done before; I unfriended someone. I’ve blocked plenty of people over the years but I’ve never unfriended anyone; but in this case he needed to be removed.

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you may remember Mr. X’s stunt a few Christmas’s ago when he told me he had feeling for me and then less than 24 hours later block me on everything, Facebook, Twitter, phone, email...he was gone. Let me just say I didn’t do that.

I didn’t block him on anything, I still follow him on Twitter and Skype, he’s free to contract me, I have no problem with him. We go back a long way; if he needs to talk he knows I’ll be there for him but with that being said I still feel that Facebook had to go. I just need my.....cyber space.

After that little conversation I’m not going to lie I wanted to curl up in bed with a bottle of Tequila. But I didn’t; I went for a run instead (which was a stupid idea given my back issues.) Then I just zoned out for the rest of the day I was feeling a little blah (for lack of a better word).

I didn’t sleep too well last night, I just felt off but after waking up to the news that after 113 days the NHL lockout is over, I feel awesome. If someone had told me 114 days ago all I had to do to prevent the lockout was unfriend him, he would have been long gone, it’s not even a close contest. A team I’ve loved forever or a guy that has been fucking me around forever ...it’s no brainer.

It made me think of some dating advice Steve Dangle (a fairly well known hockey blogger) once jokingly gave me “nobody good hates hockey.” When I thought about it, joking or not he’s right. All my exes have hated hockey and all my exes are....”not good”. So the fact less than 24 hours after removing Mr. X (who hates hockey) the sunlight that is the NHL broke through the cloud and now hockey is back makes me smile. Life has a funny way of wrapping things up in a cute little bow.

So what strange but true dating advice have you been given? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Emotionally Detached

I’ve never had a problem flirting with Mr. X or meeting him for one of our “encounters” that stuff just doesn’t faze me, however what does faze me is when Mr. X gives me a complement; it feels almost dirty.

I’m well aware I’m a little fucked up; this is news to nobody, but this I fear, takes it to a whole new level. And brings back flashbacks to a breakup I had a few years ago.

When we broke up the guy called me “emotionally detached”, and that’s why we were “doomed from the start.”

To this day I’ve always called bullshit on this, what he calls “emotionally detached” I call being a low maintenance girlfriend. I still strongly believe the problem was him and not me.

One of the big things he had a problem with was that I never put in any effort to get to know his friends. Let me start by saying it’s not like he had his friends over to his place. When he’d hang out with his friends it was at a club or they’d go out and play pool. Maybe it’s because I have so many guy friends but I know those aren’t the places that a girlfriend should be tagging alone to. That’s guy time.

He also bitched that I would never text him first throughout the day. Why should I? He was busy at work and I had things I needed to do during the day. Not to mention I worked late shifts so I was also kind of busy, you know, sleeping.

He also had a problem with the fact I wouldn’t hold his hand when we were out shopping. I’m sorry but I’m an adult, I don’t need to hold anybody’s hand when I’m out. I’m a big girl, I can walk by myself, I’ve been doing it a long time, I’m good at it. If you want to do something to show the world you’re my boyfriend, carry my bags! At least that’s useful.

The other thing that he didn’t like was I could happily go a day or two without anything more than a good night text. I’m an only child, and because of that I like my space, there is nothing wrong with that. Last time I checked not being needy and clingy was a good thing.

Ok so maybe I’m wrong, maybe I am emotionally detached, maybe Mr. X is right, when I asked him he said I’m “somewhat” emotionally detached. Maybe I’ve just dealt with so many jerk-off men I’m jaded. Or maybe I’m just an independent woman who has a nasty habit of dating whiny ass men.

I don’t know, what do you guys think? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Butterflies

Most women want what they can’t have, so when I found out a few months ago Mr. X was in a relationship, my friends were worried the grip he had on me would tighten.

I’m not most women.

The thing that made Mr. X so alluring was that he was something attainable I couldn’t attain. The best way I can describe is it was like we were in the same book, on same chapter, on same page but different paragraphs; so close you could almost touch but never quite close enough.

The whole thing played off the fact I am the world’s most stubborn person. Yes, there was a sexually spark there too which didn’t help but the main issue was my stubbornness. There were days were I looked at him and if he were any other guy, I wouldn’t have given him a second look, drunk in a bar at closing time. It was purely my stubbornness that kept me interested. 

Admittedly there were other days were I wanted to rip his clothes off and do unspeakable things to him but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

So when I found out he was in a relationship besides being shocked that he was capable of human emotion, I was actually relieved.

He went from something attainable I just couldn’t attain, to something unattainable that I couldn’t attain so there was no point in trying. I was oddly at peace with everything.

I’m still oddly at peace and my friends think I’ve lost my mind. They don’t understand how I can still speak with this man who once drove me crazy and had all this power over me and now he’s just like all my other guy friends, nothing special.

I put it like this, when he went for attainable to unattainable the book closed, when the book closed it killed all the butterflies that were inside it and without the butterflies....you have nothing.

Does any of that make sense at all? Or are my friend right to think I’ve lost my mind? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Troll Bitch Slap

I wrote a blog in July called “What Women Want”; this blog was not written as a guide to a happy, healthy relationship, hell it wasn’t even written with the intent that men would do everything on this list. It was written so men could pick one or two to try and stay in our good books since what we actually want is forever changing.

This week some troll, who clearly has women issues thought he would comment on my blog and now I’m going to put that little fucker in his place.

“What a crock of shit. This entire blog reeks of spoiled princess syndrome, what self-entitled bitch expects the man to do all this? Why should I? For your body? If I want just a body, I can pay for it, and probably get far better than what you're offering”

Let me start by saying I pity the dumb airhead that ends up with you. Also you don’t need to worry about anything on the list because any woman with half a brain would spray you with pepper spray before letting you get anywhere near their body.

“Be Generous - Why the fuck should I spend my hard earned cash for you? You know the idea of seeing someone is because you LIKE/LOVE them as a person. Not what they can provide for you. How about you get rid of spoiled princess syndrome? A man shouldn't need to buy your ass gifts to keep your slutty head focused on him.”

In the blog I do say be generous, nobody likes a tightwad however if you could read you’d know I also said it doesn't have to be anything big it’s the thought that counts. I also suggest picking her flowers. Being generous doesn’t mean spending money; you can also be generous with your time or your compliments. However in your case I’m pretty sure nobody wants any of your fucking time.

“Be Honest - A rule that a lot of women should follow instead of leading men on. Men are probably more inclined to be direct with a woman than a woman is to men. Ever had some bitch ignore you're phone calls or texts hoping you'll take the hint? That's because they don't have the balls to upright tell you. More women do this than me.”

Did your mommy not love you? Is that where all the hate comes from or are you naturally just a whiny cry baby who clearly needs a glass of man the fuck up? Have you ever considered that your attitude may be making these women have a “don’t call me I’ll call you” attitude. If it doesn’t change there will be millions more doing it to you..Guaranteed!

“Have Eyes For Only Her - I think most men will follow this rule once most females get rid of their fucking cling-on male guys that are "just friends" to boost your ego, you attention whore. We know exactly what you bitches are doing, we're not stupid. A mature person with high-confidence shouldn't NEED validation that they're good looking or a great person by having orbiters, it should come from THEMSELVES.”

Really, you’re not stupid that’s the argument you’re going for? Have you read what you’ve been writing, because you sound pretty damn stupid to me. Women and men can be just friends without their being any “ego boosting” a fact you’d know if you actually had any friends or if anyone wanted to be around you.  Aside from that what does men who window shop for other ladies while with a women have to do with “just friends”?

“Never Follow a Women - Nothing gets more annoying than some passive woman that refuses to take lead and expects to be spoonfed everything everywhere. You're an adult. Not a child. Why would I want a woman where I have to do all the decision making like I'm her father, instead of one that's a mature adult who contributes just as much as I do? MASSIVE turn off. I don't want to date a fucking child. I want to date an adult.”

You’re adult not child so start using your brain like one. What you’re saying about passive women was the exact same point I was making about passive men you dipshit!

“Staying on power - Stop with your petty games. Relationships shouldn't be about control. If you're a mature enough person, they should be about commitment, understanding and working together. Not power plays. Power plays is for people that have no fucking clue what a proper relationship is.”

You mean keep the power, a point I made about men not being lap dog, it had nothing to do with games and everything to do with men being men and not whiny little babies like you’re doing now.

If you took a second to read my blog you’d know nobody here is weak or child-like, all my readers and myself are strong women. And Strong women need strong men. Men who can handle us being us and as you so kindly pointed out most men can’t, they turn into sniffling little baby around women who know what they want.

If you have a problem with any of that get the fuck off my site and go find somewhere weak minded little men are welcome.

-The Honest Bitch

Friend of a Friend

I’m not sure there are many things more creepy then a friend of a friend randomly adding you on Facebook.

Here’s the story that gets repeated time and time again, you comment on a “friend’s” (normally someone you have seen in 10 years) status and a few minutes later a friend request pops up.

When you look at the request it says you have one person in common, the “friend” you haven’t seen in 10 years. You decide to accept the request because you figure if the guy hasn’t murdered your “friend” yet he must be harmless.

Fast forward 10 minutes and that so called harmless guy is sending you picture of his penis at which point you realize the reason you no longer hang out with the person you haven’t seen in 10 years is because they’re a rubbish judge of character. 

The male brain hurts my head, they randomly add a women and the first thing they send is “I hope you don’t mind me adding you.” What would make you think we’d mind a strange man we’ve never heard of sending us unsolicited message? Could it be all the “stranger danger” talks we had as kids!?

Here’s a note for all the men of the world (or just the 2 that actually read my blog), all women mind when you randomly add them...Unless you happen to be Ryan Gosling, he can add whoever he likes. What you should do is ask the person you have in common to ask the women if she minds you Facebook stalking her. That’s just the polite/ less creepy thing to do. But of course that’s not what you do because that would involve your brain and not you penis.

So what do you guys think, is it creepy when a friend of a friend randomly adds you or like normal am I crazy? Let me know what you think in the comment box below.  And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Convincingly Fake An Orgasm

I love getting all your questions on Facebook, Twitter and by email I love the conversation we have and finding out what you guys want to read about. However once in a while I get asked a question that I don’t feel fully qualified to answer.

I received one of those questions last week. A female reader asked me “how do you convincingly fake an orgasm?". 

I want to start by saying I am by no means a professional sexpert. It’s a title I’d love to have one day but I’m not. But like most women I have a little experience in the faking realm and over the years I’ve learned a few tips that might help.

1. Keep your eyes closed – You can fake many things in bed but you can’t hide that “is it over yet?” look in your eyes.....Trust me on that.

2. Don’t over act – You are not in porno, keep your moaning and “oh gods” to applicable moments and don’t overdo it. Instead of focusing on moaning focus on your breathing patterns, inhale a few times, and followed it by a long staggered exhale. (Something I actually first learned in an acting class.)

3. Use your muscles – Arch your back, tense up and grab something (his hair, a pillow, or the sheets), curl your toes, and while you’re at it put those kegel exercises to good use. Men think women can’t fake the spasm of those muscles....They’re wrong.

I hope those few tips I’ve learned over the years help, but I’m going to say it again I’m not a sexpert so I’m going to ask you, my lovely readers to help this women out and leave her some tips in the comment box below and if you’re guy (apparently I do have some male readers) let us know what gives it away when a women is faking.

This has actually been a lot of fun to write as always I’m happy to try and help the best I can. So until next time my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Mr. Dexter

I’ve either been watching too much Dexter lately or my dreams are trying to tell me something. Last night I had a well and truly fucked up dream about Mr. X.

In season 7 of Dexter there is an episode called “Do the Wrong Thing”. In that episode Dexter takes Hannah McKay to a Christmas themed theme park and in a “shocking” turn of events it turns out Dexter has a kill room setup there. He prepares to kill her in his normal way but instead of stabbing her in the chest he cuts the plastic off and fucks her right there on his kill table. 

In my dream Mr. X takes me to an empty hockey arena (even in my dreams there’s a freaking lockout) and we’re skating around having a fun then everything goes black. When I come too I’m on a metal table in a room with a Zamboni and everything is covered in plastic. Mr. X is walking around the table with a large knife telling me whether I like it or not he has the control and it’s time our little game came to a permanent end. He’s lifts the knife up to plunge it in my chest and I say “If you really had the control we wouldn’t be here.” And give him a mischievous smile. Down comes the knife and slices the plastic off and we have sex right there on the table without saying a word. When we were done we were laying there with his arm under my head and he sits up a little and leans into me and says “you know this isn’t over right?” and with that I woke up.

The funny thing was when I woke up I wasn’t scared or anything I was actually laughing, it wasn’t till much later I started wondering whether my brain was trying to tell me something. I know Mr. X and I have a fucked up.....whatever the hell you want to call it but I’m pretty sure.......ok like 70% sure he isn’t trying to kill me.

So that begs the question have I been watching too much Dexter or is Mr. X in fact trying to kill me? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it let me know what strange dreams you’ve had. As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Outside The Box

We all know by now when it comes to thinking none of mine is done inside the box. I’m a little out there but some of my theories aren’t that crazy or at least I don’t think they’re that crazy.

My theory on why exes come back around long after a breakup comes to mind. I think my theory is completely logical; my friends on the other hand do not.

Most women would like to think their exes come crawling back because their exes still love them and that love conquers all and all that other fairytale bullshit.

I’m not that stupid; I know love isn’t what’s dragging them back. My theory makes much more sense than that, its lust that is dragging them back. That’s the part of my theory most people can agree on.

Here’s where it gets a little less agreeable.

I believe the time since the break up and how good you are in bed are directly proportional. My logic being if someone isn’t good in bed you wouldn’t put in the time or effort to stalk them. I mean your hand is a much more time efficient solution. If someone is willing to chase you after 10 years there is a reason and it sure as hell isn’t love. My theory is........its skill.

I may be crazy but I’ll leave that up to you to decide, so what do you say, am I crazy or does my theory make some sense? And while you’re at it tell me what strange theories you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo