Drinky Drinky Time

I think we’re overdue for a drunken blog, you guys have asked some question I think drunken me would be better suited to answer. Normal drunken blog rules apply; this will be both written and edited drunk and once sober, it will not be touched again. So, let’s get started, shall we?

A lot of you have asked my opinion on Tyler, and the truth is I don’t have one. I’m not looking at him in that way. I’ve said this before, I’m not dateable at the moment. I am damaged goods and wouldn’t be a good partner. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone to have to put up with me, when I have next to nothing to give. In knowing that, I’m not looking anyone at the minute.

That said, I will give you some of my thoughts. He is a lovely human being.  He is someone I can be myself with. I don’t feel like I get to do that often anymore. He reminds me of the gay husband or one of my drama geek friends, he gives off this warm familiar vibe, that I love. He is also hilarious, both deliberately and non-deliberately. He’s managed to bring a smile to my face when that seems impossible. He is also my favourite person to flirt with. And, no I’m not flirting with purpose, I’m flirting for humour. That poor guy doesn’t know what to do with himself and I find it beyond amusing. Actually, he doesn’t take any compliments well, which I can relate to, but it’s fun to torment him.  

And on that note, since he doesn’t take my flirting well, I think it may be safe to say he’s not into me. Sorry to ruin all of your big plans. I know that revelation may have broken a few hearts. I know the gay husband basically has me married off at this point. I just don’t think that’s on the cards my sweets.

The other thing you guys have been asking about is whether he’ll be doing a guest post. No. He’s not up for that nor am I for that matter. You guys are rough and asked questions I’d rather not know the answers to.

Anyways, it’s getting close to bed time. So, I shall leave this post here. But before I go, I have this question for you; Do you take compliments well or do they throw you off? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Valentine's Day

Normally around this time of year, I am writing this on February 11^th, I’d be writing a piece mocking all the surviving Valentines Day posts. This year, however, is a little different, mainly because I feel like I’m having to survive Valentines Day.

It’s not that I’m longing for a boyfriend, or any of that typical whiny shit those types of posts normally cry on about. It’s that with everything going on, I am feeling very alone. I am having to play the part of someone who is incredibly strong, and I don’t feel it. And in playing that part I’m pushing people away because if I didn’t, I’d simply fall apart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still stand by what I’ve said in all my past Valentines posts, if you need to survive Valentines Day you should stay single. You need to be able to find your own happiness without relying on anyone else. Now, I don’t fall under my own advice, happy is not my issue, I am fine on my own what I wish I had was someone to lean on. That said, I wouldn’t date me right, I am a mess and I wouldn’t place that on anyone.

But my lack of self-worth is a story for another day. I am going to go and get ready to return to work tomorrow, but before I go, I have this question for you; would you date you? Let me know in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Sad Eyes

I’ve mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again, I can’t stand “sad eye”. I’m under no disillusion, I understand my mom is dying and I’m an only child basically losing the only family I have, I get that, and I understand it’s sad. Trust me, I get it, I’ve cried it out many a night. But looking at me with pity sad filled eyes really doesn’t help. It in a lot of ways it makes things worse.

I am a lot less social than I use to be and a lot of that is down to “sad eyes”. I either feel like people feel sorry for me or are judging me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me. To fair, I don’t feel like myself most of the time, but when I do remotely feel normal, I feel as if I can’t show it.

This is part of the reason why the husband loves Tyler so much. He sees that he brings out the silly, fun side of me that hasn’t been around in quite a while. A lot of that was, until very recently, Tyler didn’t know what was going on. I had lost it on the phone with him a couple times, around the time when my mom was having surgery, but never vocalized what was happening. So, it’s yet to be seen whether he’ll continue to bring that out in me or if he’ll be another sad eyes person.

I can tell you he’s back off on non-work days. It’s is not ideal for me, but is understandable. He was a good distraction, but new coping mechanisms are always there to be found.  He doesn’t owe that to me nor would I ask for it so, life ticks on.

Anyways, I am going to go and hit the treadmill because it’s really hard to over think things when you can’t breathe. I would leave you with a Valentine’s related question but… who care? Just leave your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

Tyler Proves Me Wrong

I made the comment a few weeks ago that Tyler doesn’t flirt. To quote myself, what I actually said was, “Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit.”. And it appears I have to admit I was wrong. It’s almost as if he read my blog and made a point of proving me wrong. However, he didn’t and even if he had the post in question wasn’t up yet so... witchcraft. That’s clearly how he did it.

It’s strange because I said previously, I didn’t know how to handle him because he didn’t flirt and shockingly him flirting threw me off way more. It was so out of the blue it took me back. I was equally shocked, that he actually could flirt, and proud because the line was good. I wanted to give him a gold star.

I can’t for the life of me remember what he said, but ever since then he’s been flirtier. Not my level flirty, but a vast improvement from what he was doing before and let’s be honest. Not many people are my level of flirty.

Don’t get any ideas in your pretty heads though, the gay husband is not now, nor has he ever been right. Yeah, I knew where your minds were headed. Let’s stop those thoughts right there. Ok?

Anyways, I am off to enjoy what I have remaining of my days off, but before I go, I will leave you with this question; are you a nature flirt? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Tyler

Apparently, some of you lovely people have decided you required more information before siding with either myself of the gay husband on the whole Tyler thing and since it’s 4am and I can’t sleep I thought I’d humour you.

 Most of you wanted to know a little more about Tyler so here we go. Tyler is a few years younger than me, our birthdays are actually a month a part, making him an Aries and me a Taurus. And if you believe in any of that, you’ll know the stars don’t like that pairing. We both obviously work in the same field and work nights. He happens to like people more than me, I’ve grown a little introverted over the years. As I said before, we both enjoy cheesy films and musicals. He has a fixation for cars. I enjoy classic cars, not classic British cars though, I like hot-rods and muscle cars and if we’re pushing it, I enjoy monster trucks.

Like I said previously my relationship with Tyler very different than the one with Steve. The other night at work we spent 7+ hours on the phone to each other just talking. Work was dead, so we were playing Snapchat games and Words with Friends, and we were singing at each other. It was a lot of fun. However, you know what we didn’t do during that 7 hours? Flirt.

Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit. I, on the other hand, flirt all the time. I don’t even know I’m doing most of the time. It’s like a second language. That said, it’s not just me. Everyone flirts, hell, I’ve heard the guys flirt with each other before now. Its transport; drinking, swearing, bitchy and flirty those are the languages of the industry. And he just doesn’t partake.

I don’t actually know what to do with him in that regard. I’m almost trained to make the dirty punch line quickly, before the guys can, it makes it less awkward. However, since he doesn’t bite, he just giggles when I make the jokes and it’s still a little awkward. I can’t really win.

And as previously mentioned, I am not sure how straight he is. My Gaydar doesn’t seem to even register him as human. I get no reading from him at all. Maybe I need to introduce him to the gay husband to find out for sure.

Anyways, I hope that fills you in on any information you felt you were missing and let me know whose side you’re on, mine or the gay husbands, in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Taking Control

While trying to sleep New Years day, something hit me, something I already knew, but my brain wasn’t in the place to hear it. I need to take control of what I can. This year is certainly not going to fun, but there are some things I have control over.

Starting with my blog, I can be constant this year. That is down to me and nobody else. The sky may fall, but my blog is mine and I need to make sure I am using it, not only to keep my views up, but for my sanity. I am a better human when I’m writing.

My health is another thing I have control over, kind of. Weight loss isn’t going to be the goal; I don’t have the mental strength for that right now. But I can build healthy habits. I have a treadmill there is no reason I shouldn’t be using it daily. I used to do it and then I got hurt and stopped. I need to build that back up.

The last thing is my job; I need to have a good look at things and see what I want. If I stay, I will likely be relocating sites this year, which may be what I need. I need to think about things. I am getting older, kids are looking more and more off the table, so I need to look harder at my career.

Anyways, that’s my current ramblings. What are your plans or thoughts for 2019 let me know in the comments below? And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Not Feeling 2019

Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Christmas Party

This year’s work Christmas party has come and gone, and I’m pleased to report I survived. It wasn’t what I’d class as enjoyable, but I managed to put my best foot forward and shine, so it wasn’t a complete waste of my time.

Between the head of one of our biggest customers being out with us most of the night and the owner of our company’s son being with us all night getting stupidly drunk and letting loose seemed like a poor idea. It didn’t stop some, but I am too old to play dumb on that one. I actually got a compliment from my manager on how I handle the customer. High praise considering I am a night shift worker whom they normally keep locked away from important people.

My plan to fish for information and plant ideas didn’t go as well as I’d hope. This was mainly down to having a customer with us. Can’t really ask those import questions when you’re getting judged. But there is always next year.

Anyways, my dears, I am going to leave that here as I am writing this one Christmas Eve and I can hear the Christmas spirits calling me and they sound like tequila. Hope you had a lovely Christmas. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Christmas Party Is Coming…

Next week, or tomorrow when you’re reading this, it’s our staff Christmas party and I am absolutely dreading it. Spending unpaid time with my colleagues isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. But it is, however, a good opportunity and because of that I’m going.

It’s no secret I am not my boss’s favourite; I’m over opinionated, vocal and I don’t back down. However, I’m damn good at my job, and he knows it. So, events like this are a good opportunity for me to plant ideas and watch them come back as theirs a few months later.

This year’s event is a little different which might work in my favour as well. Instead of going out drinking and having to hang with the boys. Side note; they normally say stay soberer than your boss at events. True, but in transport I’ve found you must do that while going drink for drink…. Not fun. Anyways, this year we’re going to a white-collar boxing event to watch one of the CSU’s get punched in the face in memory of our colleague that took his life. Hopefully, meaning we won’t be hitting the bar as much as past years. I swear I’m still hungover for the last time we all went out.

That is transport though. Every company I’ve worked for has been the same. You need to be able to hang to get ahead. I know, I said my boss isn’t my biggest fan and he isn’t. However, his boss, likes me. The higher the position I’ve found, the more my honesty is found “refreshing”. And events like this given me a chance to put my best foot forward. It may not be the easiest way to make it, but at least my lips don’t taste like ass.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the rest of my 4 off. But before I go, I have this question for you; do you enjoy work events? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Peak

Happy December! Can you believe it’s already here and this horrible year is almost over? However, before we get to that finish line, we must make it make it through one last hell, and that hell is known as peak.

Working in transport, peak is a unique beast. It's not quite as bad as retail, but it’s close. However, in retail most the people you meet are somewhat in the Christmas spirit and a little more joyful and in transport you’re working with homicidal elves.

While dodging the wrath of the homicidal elves, during peak I am also forced to work with my opposite. My opposite is quite the character to say the least. He is a character I’d like to see repeatedly run a cliff, if I am being completely honest. Having to work with him and dealing with the evil elves means this time of year is very stressful and does not always bring in the best in me.

Luckily, I am blessed with some awesome co-workers based all over the country who do a fantastic job of keeping me sane… ish. I mean we all work nights so sane isn’t really a thing we do, but that may be why it works. We’re good at see the funny side of things  and luckily, most of us came play off each other and bring each other back when the doom and gloom creeps in.

Anyways, I am going to love you and leave you. But, before I go, I have this question for, what is the best part of your job? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

I'm Sick

It’s beginning to look a lot like flu season…… I’m sick, I am miserable, and I have no time for any of this.

While trying to rest this evening like a good little patient, my body decided it would be cute to wake me up by projectile vomiting. Charming, I know. Luckily, I haven’t been able to eat in 2 days, so clean up was less gross than it could have been. However, I didn’t really have time booked for washing bedding today but needs must.

So, apologies todays post is short again, but unfortunately, I am sick and the time I had set aside to write is now having to be used by cleaning bedding and sleeping so hopefully I’m better for work on Sunday.

What are your home remedies for the flu? And, what do you do you do to make yourself feel better when you’re stuck in bed sick? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Stressed

I’m writing this post a lot later than I generally like to, but this month has been a wee bit stressful. My mom had an infection which knocked her numbers and took her out of commission for a week. Then, once she recovered from that she had to have surgery on her fistula for her dialysis, which knocked her out for another week and it’s just been busy and stressful and just a lot.

It seems like every time I get by duck in the same pond, (not row, I gave up on that dream years ago), one of the little buggers runs off to Mars. I just can’t win.

Anyways, sorry this post, is short any crappy, but as you know, sometimes life happens and blogging has to take a back seat. I will leave you with this question though; How do you keep your ducks in the same pond? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xo

Q&A

Welcome to November and more importantly to the Q&A I’ve been promising. I’m not going to waste a lot of time here, I’m just going to jump into the questions you lovely humans have been asking.

How are you?

I am ok. I am in a better place than I was that’s for certain. I am still not perfect, but all things considered I am doing well.

How is your mom?

My mom is a fighter and she’s hanging in there. Her kidney function is back up to 11%, which is a relief. Her spirits remain high and that’s all you can really ask for.

Are you dating anyone?

Nope. Not even flirting with anyone these days.

How are things with Mr. X?

Perfect. I haven’t spoken to him months.

Do you miss Mr. X?

Of course. As toxic as he could be, he was also a sweetheart who could always get through to me when no one else could. Now I have to rely on myself for that, and to be honest, recently that almost didn’t work. As much of a twat as Mr. X can be, he has he’s good and I miss that.

How are things with Steve?

Things are ok. We don’t speak a whole lot these days, but that’s to be expected. Peak has started at work and time is a premium. Plus, I don’t like messaging him at home, so January will be when things start to show.

Hove things changed with Steve?

Yep. But, like I said I won’t really know what’s changed and what’s just peak stress until January.

Is Steve going to do a guest post or a Q&A like Mr. X did?

Nope. I asked the question for you and he’s not interested.

Given your firm no kids rule would you still sleep with Steve?

In case you don’t know the rule this person is talking about it is birth control, condoms and a reasonable chance the guy I am sleeping with is shooting blanks. When it comes to Steve I’d make an exception on this one.

Would you still sleep with Steve given how things have changed?

I would indeed. The whole Steve thing is about pleasure not logic.

Do you think Mr. X and Steve are cheaters?

Every relationship is different and has their own rules. By my standards in a relationship, yes, but that’s not to say that’s the case in their relationships. And since I chose not to know those facts, I can only assume they’re playing within the rules they’ve set.

Anyways, my dears, those are all the questions that you’ve submitted for this Q&A, if you have any more leave them below and I’ll either answer them there or save them for my next Q&A post. But that’s all she wrote for this one so, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Different Friends For Different Seasons

Aristotle said there are 3 types of friendships; Friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of the good. Personally, I’m not sure those are the titles I would have gone with, but there are definitely different type friendships, and each serves a purpose, and each has a time and place.

I’ve never classed or even thought about my friends in this way. However, I have noticed recently I’ve been pulling away from certain people. I’ve been slowly discovering with everything going on in my life, certain friends just aren’t a good fit for me right now. It’s not that we’ve fallen out or I dislike them or anything like that. It’s just they aren’t what I need in my life right now.

My work bestie up in Manchester is the best example of this. If we were going to classify the friendship it would fall under that “utility” category. We both serve a purpose to each other. However, right now, I don’t have it in me to serve that purpose. She phones me, and I know what I’m supposed to say, but I just don’t want to. I don’t want to play that part right now. It takes so much energy and I don’t get anything positive from it.

On the flip side of that, when I speak to Steve’s brother Tyler, who also works for the company, I get something positive from that. For the record, we have a very different relationship. Tyler reminds me of my drama geek friends. He is someone I can just be stupid with. We spend our evenings at work singing at each other down the phone or sending each other ridiculous Snapchat pictures. There is no worry about how I look or anything like that; it’s just fun and that’s what I need right now.

When it comes to Steve, that’s where things get complicated. When he’s himself, it’s all golden. I could happily spend hours just talking to him. However, recently he’s been prone to some bad moods. I’m not sure whether works is getting to him or what, but I can’t. They say bad moods are contagious and I’ve been very susceptible to them recently. If there is a hint of a mood around me, I seem to catch it. So, when he’s in a mood, for my own sanity I steer clear.

Then you have the gay husband, who at the moment I am avoiding. Once again, we haven’t fallen out or anything like that. The issue I am having with him is different than the others. The problem with him is the way he looks at me, he has what I call “sad eyes”. He’s treating me differently and questioning my choices. He’s just not being real with me; it’s as if he thinks I’m about to break at any moment. I understand he has my best interests at heart, but I don’t like the way he’s going about it. It’s not what I need and it's definitely not what I want. I don’t want to live in Candy-coated Sugar Land, I want people to be real with me, and if it gets too much, like Steve and his moods, I’ll back off. That’s on me. Fake has never been a thing I do or deal with and it’s sure as hell is not about to start now.

Anyways, my dears, I am going to go and enjoy what is left of my day off, but before I go I have this question for you; What do you do to look after yourself? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Returning To Normality

I am a big believer in faking it until you make it and thanks to that technique I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. With a little effort to do what I “should do”, I’m finally starting to feel how I wish to.

A lot of it down to little things; like making myself shower, making sure I do some skin care, putting a bit of makeup on, going to improv class, forcing myself to smile. Not things I feel like doing, but all things I’d normally do.

The other part that helped was I was out of my routine at work; I was based at a different depot for most of September. I was working with my old trainee, which was well timed for both of us. We balance each other out well. I help him see the funny side of things, so he doesn’t get stressed and he acts as a sounding board for me, so I can remove my emotions from the equation and allow my logic to take over. We’ve always been a good team, and that was more than helpful in turning things around.

Team work helps, and my normal site doesn’t allow for that as we work on own  own. I do have some amazing colleagues at the end of the phone which is useful but not the same. Plus, their usefulness depends on their mood and one shitty mood can be contagious. Steve being the example of that; most of last month he had a stick firmly up his ass and it wasn’t just me that noticed it, everyone who spoke to him seemed to catch part of his mood, and it was just unpleasant for all.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the remainder of my day off. I won’t leave you with a question of the blog but leave me yours in the comments below as I’m finally getting around to the Q&A I promised. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Trigger

I’ve just finished writing the post you saw last week, and as I finished writing it, I became acutely aware there was going to be a question asked afterwards. So, I figure I should address it now rather than waiting for the questions to roll in. Of course, that question is regarding Steve, and whether he is one of my bad decisions or not.

Despite what some of you think, Steve is not a bad decision. Steve is actually the trigger for this latest freak out. Up until now, being single was my choice, something I controlled. Cue Steve, who has reminded me not all men are fuckwits and I might be missing out on things by staying single and now the control has shifted.

I am aware, thanks to many of you, Steve can be viewed as a negative and I do get that. I’ve also said, I don’t know the situation in that relationship and I don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss. Every relationship must play within their own rules and those rules are nobody else business. So, I can only comment on me. And right now at least, Steve is definitely not a negative, even if he has triggered some problematic behaviour.

However, lucky for me the universe is still preventing my stupid decisions. I’m sure the reason for the universe plotting to prevent stupidity will be revealed at some point, but in the meantime, I guess I’m going to have to cope like every other adult, by drinking.

Anyways, I am going to go and have a nap because adulting sucks. But before I go I have this question for you; What do you do to escape? As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, I’d love to hear them. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Control

Continuing my mission to make horrible decisions with my life; I am currently debating reinstalling Plenty of Fish. Now, I’ve had zero luck with POF in the past, a couple of dates, none of which I’d recommend. I personally find it depressing and good way to loss fate in the goodness of men. But, that’s kind of the name of the game at the minute.

There is also the issue that I hate dating. It’s just not for me. Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve fallen into., no dating involved.  So clearly a dating site isn’t my best option. Let alone a free dating site which tends to draw in a less “relationship based” clientele. That said, I find pay for sites draw a needy desperate clientele, so both have their cons.

So, why do it you ask? Control. I’m under so disillusions, I understand my destructive behaviour. I have no control over a large portion of my life right now. My mom is dying, it’s just a matter of time. I have zero control over my work situation at the moment, I’m just trying to survive. I’m single, and you can’t force nor rush love, it happens when it happens.  So, I’m drawn to the things I can control. Lucky for me, I have no will power, because I’m pretty sure that mentality is how eating disorders and things like that start. I on the other hand find my sense of control in my sex life.  

If you’ve been around a while, you’ll know throughout my teen and early 20s I did the same thing. Although at that point in my life I didn’t understand what I was doing or why I was doing it. Mr. X was the reason I came out of the spiral. Not sure if it was a blessing or a curse in the long run.

The problem is at my age, I’m not young and stupid anymore. I understand fully what’s going on. What I haven’t learned is a better way of coping.  

Anyways, I am going to go and drink because that sounds like the healthier option. But I do have this question for you. What do you do to find a sense of control? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Bad Decision

I concluded about a week ago that I need to make a few bad decisions in my life, a conclusion that may be strange to some, but I’ll explain that in a moment. My real issue is the universe seems hell bent on preventing me from carrying out my bad decisions and I’m getting annoyed. But I guess I should explain.

Steve is all well and good, but he’s fictional, I mean he’s real but it’s he’s not tangible. I don’t need my head clouded with fairies and unicorns, when what’s around is demons and trolls.  Steve is an ideal, and even that ideal with shattered when you really look at it, as one of you pointed out the other day.

I need to keep my head in the head game and the best way I know to do that is to sharpen my skills with practice. How does one practices dealing with demons and trolls, you ask? You agree to a date with Mr. Block.

The whole thing promises to be an exercise in disappointment. As discussed in my 2014 blogs, I am not physically attracted to him.  This is nothing new though, nor a deal breaker. I have dated many guys I wasn’t attracted to, hell I was engaged to 1 of them, technically 2, but we won’t talk about that. The real issue is at this point I find his personality repugnant. And I’d still happily go through with the date, if the universe would stop getting involved.

Last weekend the universe gave him the flu. I’d normally I’d think he was trying to blow me off, but I am actually friends with his housemate and he too was dying with man flu, capturing every second on SnapChat. This weekend I mentally broke down and spent 3 days in bed. Long overdue and I feel better for it, but ruined the whole date thing.

Today is a bank holiday, and I am trying once again to make this piss poor decision and now, he’s not checking his messages and I’ll be asleep later since I am back to work tomorrow so today looks like a write off too. At this point I could send him a message saying “hey wanna fuck?” and I’m sure a Pterodactyl would swoop down and eat him. I can’t catch a break.

Anyways, I am going to go and get some sleep before I do something really stupid like message Mr. X. But, before I go I have this question for you; What is your deal breaker? Let me know your thoughts in the comment below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

I Am Not OK

 Just a tiny disclaimer; I am posting this out of order as well. Just trying to sort my head out before I have to face the world tomorrow and head back to work.

Let’s be honest, it is no secret that I’m struggling at the moment, between work and my mom, my ability to cope has been more then pushed. So, when my mom’s latest test results came back, and her function was down another 3%, I broke.

It’s funny because I’ve always kidded that I’m a sane crazy person, and that’s what this has been. I can see the warning signs and I know what I am doing is unhealthy, but, the will to do anything else just isn’t there.

Simple things like eating; I’ve eaten gummy bears and a packet of vegi chips in 4 days. I have food in, I could make soup in 2 minutes. Yet I walk to the kitchen, decided fuck it, and get back into bed. I don’t have the will or want to make anything.

Personal care is another thing that’s gone out the window. I haven’t washed my hair this whole 4 off. I haven’t done any skin care in weeks. I’ve been wearing next to no makeup, if any when I am out of the house. I know that doesn’t seem major, but given my collection this is very out of character.

I have also withdrawn socially. I haven’t wanted to do anything this 4 off other than lay in my bed. I have done, maybe 5000 steps in 4 days. I haven’t answered any messages, taken any calls, I haven’t even opened most the messages on my phone. I just haven’t wanted to deal with people.

The ridiculous part is I know cutting myself off is horrible. The night I found out about my mom’s results, in the wee hours I was laying in bed shaking, in floods of tears, really not in a great place; I picked my phone up and started typing, I was trying to distract myself.  Typing and deleting, picking stupidly long words that can’t be spelled. Not really thinking, I did this on Steve’s Snapchat, forgetting Snapchat tells you when someone is typing, he must have spotted this and called me out for it. Rather than answer he’s what’s up questions, I chose to go for a walk, in the rain, in my pjs at 5am. The sad part is, I didn’t even dry off when I got home, I took my shoes off and got straight back into bed soaking wet. All that rather than try and reach out. To be fair, I am sure he wouldn’t have given a fuck, nor would I have blamed him. He’s just a baby and my mental breakdowns is my issue not anyone else’s.

I know none of this is ok, but I have made some smart decisions as well; I’ve cut out drinking and caffeine. I am writing, not posting everything, but getting it off my chest. I am trying to be smart in where I funnel my limited energy into and if I need to stay and bed and cry it out so be it. It’s not ok right now, but it will be.

Anyways, I need to go and sleep because despite spending most of my days off in bed, sleep hasn’t really been happening. I won’t leave you with a question this post, so just stay and play safe my friends.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Late Night Rabblings

Just a tiny disclaimer; I am posting this out of order. I need to sort my head out and this is the only healthy way I know how to do that. I could schedule this to post this later, but I’d rather get it done and gone.

When it comes to my work life, I thrive when I’m left the hell alone. I like to come in do my job and go home. I’m not interested in the ass kissing, ladder climbing, attention grabbing. I’m happiest when my name is not in management’s mouth and they forget I exist. This is why I work nights and its even the reason I write my handovers in a certain way, unlike most, I actually hide what I do overnight. I don’t want management knowing how good I am. In all my reviews I am called the steadiest night operator in the company, and in my book that’s prefect. That should be a recipe for a stress-free life.

Then some genius had the bright idea of taking our nice flat management structure and turning it into a hierarchy with almost as many layers as there are people working there. Which means, instead of dodging 1 manager, who is based 2 hours from where I actually work. I now have to dodge 2 managers and a dumb ass supervisor who has been on an ego trip since he got promoted.

Now, as much as I rather keep my name out of managers mouth’s, I am not one be to walked over either and sadly my company has a habit of doing that if you let them. Since I’m not looking to climb the ladder, I have nothing to lose by my standing my ground and this has a habit of pissing off middle management. I’ve read my contract and T&C I know where I stand, and they can be damned if they think I can be bullied or blackmailed into anything that isn’t in there.

That brings us to the root of the issues, I don’t do overtime or at least not a lot of it. Normally this is because when my ducks are in row, I do acting, improv, I was doing stand up last year, I have a life outside of work. Right now, I’m not doing it because my mom is unwell, and my life is not remotely together. Mentally I can’t cope with overtime, I can barely cope period right now. I am a damn zombie just trying to survive and I’m not doing a good job at that.

Baring in mind my manager knows my mom is unwell; I haven’t told him, but another operator has. He has been trying to push OT for months. I’ve stood my ground and refused. As a result of me refusing he has cancelled a week’s holiday I had booked. Because that didn’t make me back down, he then refused a second lot of my holiday after yelling at me because I had holiday days not booked and then booked me a week’s holiday I didn’t want. And because of “my unwillingness” to do over time I’ve now been temporarily relocated to another depot (that is in my contract in case you’re wondering).

I’ve spoken to Steve about this and he thinks I should go to HR and report the manager. I just don’t think I have that fight in me at the minute. Plus, my gut is telling me if I go to HR I will find myself permanently relocated to Antarctica. I can’t go to my area manager because my manager was the best man at his wedding. So, I am left with suck it up or find a new job or, I guess, marry a penguin.

I just don’t know what I want to do or what I should do or if I should do anything. I’m all out of fight, I am all out of strength, I am all out of will.  All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, all I want is a hug and someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok. But that’s not really how life works is it? We have to dry our tears, put on a smile and carry on, praying we don’t fall apart in public.

Anyways, I am going to go and pull myself together because I don’t have time for a breakdown today. But before I go I leave the question with you, suck it up, HR or new job? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo