Christmas Lunch Hell

Later this week I’m going to a Christmas lunch with my step dad’s mom and my mom which isn’t my idea of a good time but it’s not the end of the world. Then today it was sprung on me that my step dad (who isn’t going to the lunch) invited his brother and wife to join us. I’m not impressed.

I’m dreading the “isn’t it about time you get married and start having kids?” conversation. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were asking because I’m in a long term relationship but that’s not why they’re asking. They’re asking because they’re kids who are both younger than me are married and their eldest who is 23 has two children.

They always say it like what their kids have done is such an accomplishment. Since when is getting knocked up at 18 by mistake, then a year later being pursued into marring your baby daddy and then a couple years later having another unplanned baby while being financially unstable and working a low paying job, an accomplishment?

Personally I think the real accomplishment is being 25 and not popping out kids I can’t afford but that’s just me and well.......logic.

“But don’t you want to get married?” They make it sounds like I’m a freaking old maid. I’m 25 not a 125. Just because their kids got married at a young age to people they weren’t dating all that long doesn’t make it right.

I’ll get married when I’m good and ready...maybe.

“You’re so good with kids, you should have some.” Once again I’m 25!!! My biological clock isn’t ticking yet. I have a good 15 childbearing years left; I have plenty of time before I need to start worrying about this stuff.

Not to mention the fact I need a guy and his sperm before I can even start to think about that stuff. Marriage, mortgage, kids in that order is the plan. But before any of that can happen I have to find a guy I don’t want to murder. (And I will personally punch anyone in the face who even suggests Mr. X but that’s a rant for another day).

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to push me into get married off. I’m happy just being me and taking my time, the only thing making me unhappy is people trying to tell me what to do with MY life. Last time I check choosing not to be a statistic is a good thing. You’d never fucking know that in that family.

So what do you dread most about spending time with your extended family? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Friend of a Friend

I’m not sure there are many things more creepy then a friend of a friend randomly adding you on Facebook.

Here’s the story that gets repeated time and time again, you comment on a “friend’s” (normally someone you have seen in 10 years) status and a few minutes later a friend request pops up.

When you look at the request it says you have one person in common, the “friend” you haven’t seen in 10 years. You decide to accept the request because you figure if the guy hasn’t murdered your “friend” yet he must be harmless.

Fast forward 10 minutes and that so called harmless guy is sending you picture of his penis at which point you realize the reason you no longer hang out with the person you haven’t seen in 10 years is because they’re a rubbish judge of character. 

The male brain hurts my head, they randomly add a women and the first thing they send is “I hope you don’t mind me adding you.” What would make you think we’d mind a strange man we’ve never heard of sending us unsolicited message? Could it be all the “stranger danger” talks we had as kids!?

Here’s a note for all the men of the world (or just the 2 that actually read my blog), all women mind when you randomly add them...Unless you happen to be Ryan Gosling, he can add whoever he likes. What you should do is ask the person you have in common to ask the women if she minds you Facebook stalking her. That’s just the polite/ less creepy thing to do. But of course that’s not what you do because that would involve your brain and not you penis.

So what do you guys think, is it creepy when a friend of a friend randomly adds you or like normal am I crazy? Let me know what you think in the comment box below.  And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

The Attack of the Snowman

You’ve heard of gag gifts well around Christmas our whole living room basically becomes a running gag. It all started off innocently enough and then over the years it’s became an ever growing monster of hilarity.

The monster in question is snowmen.....lots and lots of snowmen.

I’m not quite sure how it happened but over the years my mom has ended up with a large number of snowmen Christmas decorations. She wasn’t looking for snowmen they were just adorable so she bought them and over time the adorableness has added up.

A few years ago after an evening at the pub my step dad came home and randomly started counting all the snowmen, each time he counted he came up with a different number and suggested we we’re adding more as he was counting. We weren’t but we liked the idea so much we stole it.

So next time my mom went shopping she picked up a couple more snowmen. And then the next time my step dad counted the number (which is never the same) went up. He pointed to the new snowmen and asked about them. We told him they were always there. And he gave us a look and said “no more snowmen.”

We took that as a challenge.

So over the years we continued to add more and more snowmen and then play dumb about where they came from. And every time my step dad counts the number grows and grows and my mom and I sit there trying not to laugh when he says “47 snowmen!! How are they 47 snowmen? Where are they coming from?”

This year I thought I’d change things up a bit, the decorations are all well and good but what I think would be really fun is snowmen themed Christmas gifts. My step dad is a pain in the ass to buy for anyways so I figured I may as well have a little fun with it.

So far I picked up an ugly snowmen sweater, a tie, a melting snowmen, a USB drum playing snowmen and the funniest thing of all a snowmen shaped USB drive. The USB drive is funny because normally January 1^st the snowmen army get’s put away for another year but this little drive with be there all year long to remind him of the every growing snowmen army in the attic that is ready to be unleashed at moments notice.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to seeing his face when he opens these gifts marked “From: Frosty the Snowman”. It should be a pretty funny morning.

So are there any other snowmen themed gifts you can think of and what running jokes do you have in your family, let me know in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Convincingly Fake An Orgasm

I love getting all your questions on Facebook, Twitter and by email I love the conversation we have and finding out what you guys want to read about. However once in a while I get asked a question that I don’t feel fully qualified to answer.

I received one of those questions last week. A female reader asked me “how do you convincingly fake an orgasm?". 

I want to start by saying I am by no means a professional sexpert. It’s a title I’d love to have one day but I’m not. But like most women I have a little experience in the faking realm and over the years I’ve learned a few tips that might help.

1. Keep your eyes closed – You can fake many things in bed but you can’t hide that “is it over yet?” look in your eyes.....Trust me on that.

2. Don’t over act – You are not in porno, keep your moaning and “oh gods” to applicable moments and don’t overdo it. Instead of focusing on moaning focus on your breathing patterns, inhale a few times, and followed it by a long staggered exhale. (Something I actually first learned in an acting class.)

3. Use your muscles – Arch your back, tense up and grab something (his hair, a pillow, or the sheets), curl your toes, and while you’re at it put those kegel exercises to good use. Men think women can’t fake the spasm of those muscles....They’re wrong.

I hope those few tips I’ve learned over the years help, but I’m going to say it again I’m not a sexpert so I’m going to ask you, my lovely readers to help this women out and leave her some tips in the comment box below and if you’re guy (apparently I do have some male readers) let us know what gives it away when a women is faking.

This has actually been a lot of fun to write as always I’m happy to try and help the best I can. So until next time my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Freak Show Waiting Room

As anyone who follows me on twitter (@TheHonestBitch)  knows yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment and while I was waiting to see the doctor the waiting room was a complete freak show. And since my doctor was running a half hour late, I had plenty of time to wonder about the state of the human race.

The first freak in this freak show was “Nail Man” this guy was sat in the waiting room filing his nails. How he has any nails at all is beyond me. From the time I noticed what he was doing and the time he went in to see the doctor was 20 minutes. Forgetting the fact we were at a doctor’s office who files their nails for 20 minutes straight?

Next in the freak show was “Technophobe Old Ladies”. Who were sat there talking about “something called Facebook” and how it’s “daft”. They were talking about how stupid and unsafe it is. Way to talk about something you know.  Facebook is only as unsafe as you make it, something they’d know if they had any knowledge at all about what they were talking about. The fact they were talking about stuff they know nothing about kind of pisses me off. A good rule for life (no matter how old you are) is if you don’t know what you’re talking about, don’t talk about it!

The final freak in this show was a little old Jamaican lady who I could hardly understand who I’m going to call “Medical History Lady”. She was shouting about something while she was checking in at reception. She then continued to shout loudly as she sat herself down next to me (Oh joy, oh bliss).

Her loudness continues as she talked at me about her leg and hip hurting, she went on to tell me the doctors are clueless and how they have been screwing her around. At which point the person on the other side of her moved. She then felt the need to tell me she wasn’t feeling well and her “spit was like condensed milk”. At which point I was praying for a hazmat suit. She then when on to tell me how she is old and not long for this world and the doctors don’t know how her dad died and how she’s going to go the same way. I was busy wishing for a gun, a chainsaw.....anything.

Just when I was wondering how sharp Nail Man’s file was, my doctor finally called me in. I’ve never been so happy to see someone. There is only so much crazy a person can take before they lose it and let’s face facts I’m closer to the edge then most to begin with.

So it’s your turn to tell me what waiting room freak shows you’ve been in? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Mr. Dexter

I’ve either been watching too much Dexter lately or my dreams are trying to tell me something. Last night I had a well and truly fucked up dream about Mr. X.

In season 7 of Dexter there is an episode called “Do the Wrong Thing”. In that episode Dexter takes Hannah McKay to a Christmas themed theme park and in a “shocking” turn of events it turns out Dexter has a kill room setup there. He prepares to kill her in his normal way but instead of stabbing her in the chest he cuts the plastic off and fucks her right there on his kill table. 

In my dream Mr. X takes me to an empty hockey arena (even in my dreams there’s a freaking lockout) and we’re skating around having a fun then everything goes black. When I come too I’m on a metal table in a room with a Zamboni and everything is covered in plastic. Mr. X is walking around the table with a large knife telling me whether I like it or not he has the control and it’s time our little game came to a permanent end. He’s lifts the knife up to plunge it in my chest and I say “If you really had the control we wouldn’t be here.” And give him a mischievous smile. Down comes the knife and slices the plastic off and we have sex right there on the table without saying a word. When we were done we were laying there with his arm under my head and he sits up a little and leans into me and says “you know this isn’t over right?” and with that I woke up.

The funny thing was when I woke up I wasn’t scared or anything I was actually laughing, it wasn’t till much later I started wondering whether my brain was trying to tell me something. I know Mr. X and I have a fucked up.....whatever the hell you want to call it but I’m pretty sure.......ok like 70% sure he isn’t trying to kill me.

So that begs the question have I been watching too much Dexter or is Mr. X in fact trying to kill me? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it let me know what strange dreams you’ve had. As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Outside The Box

We all know by now when it comes to thinking none of mine is done inside the box. I’m a little out there but some of my theories aren’t that crazy or at least I don’t think they’re that crazy.

My theory on why exes come back around long after a breakup comes to mind. I think my theory is completely logical; my friends on the other hand do not.

Most women would like to think their exes come crawling back because their exes still love them and that love conquers all and all that other fairytale bullshit.

I’m not that stupid; I know love isn’t what’s dragging them back. My theory makes much more sense than that, its lust that is dragging them back. That’s the part of my theory most people can agree on.

Here’s where it gets a little less agreeable.

I believe the time since the break up and how good you are in bed are directly proportional. My logic being if someone isn’t good in bed you wouldn’t put in the time or effort to stalk them. I mean your hand is a much more time efficient solution. If someone is willing to chase you after 10 years there is a reason and it sure as hell isn’t love. My theory is........its skill.

I may be crazy but I’ll leave that up to you to decide, so what do you say, am I crazy or does my theory make some sense? And while you’re at it tell me what strange theories you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo