Am I Really Angry?

Since my last work review where I was once again told I am emotional and angry, I’ve decided to work on that. I have read a few books, watched a few videos and I’m starting to believe I am not the problem…at least not the main one.

I will hold my hands up I am sarcastic and more of a realist, however, those traits don’t make me an angry person. What makes me an angry person is other people being stupid. I think me being a bitch is just my body’s way of dealing with stupid… it’s like an allergic reaction almost. I have tried a lot of techniques over the past month or so and they’ve all resulted in me feeling angry. Unlike before, where I would verbalise my displeasure and I never actually felt angry. Now I feel angry.

You could see this on my Fitbit as well; my mouth sounds pissed; however, my heart rate is normal. When I was trying CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) it was the opposite, my mouth sounded fine, but my heart rate was up, and I felt mad.

It’s all very strange and leading me to believe I don’t have an anger problem. It is possible for what I’ve been reading I may have “chronic irritation” but, I work with idiots whom leave me chronically irritated so seems fair.

I have become more aware of my triggers from this little self-help journey and they say knowledge is power, so maybe that will help. Personally, I think I need to go back to acting lessons as even when my mouth is shut, my face is loud, and I can’t seem to shut it up these days. You’ve heard of resting bitch face. I have murderous you are a fucktard face.

Anyways, I am off to drink because work last week was a test of my will power to not go to jail. Good job I don’t have angry issues or I’m positive I would have lost that battle. I’ll leave that as the question of the blog; how do you stay calm when surrounded by idiots? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Kicking Butt

Once in a while, it’s nice to be reminded that you are vastly more competent and able than you give yourself credit for. Once in a while, management shitting on, gives you a chance to shine. And despite the fact they won’t see that, it’s a good reminder to yourself that you do indeed kick ass.

Thanks to my company deciding that holiday cover and sick cover isn’t a thing they should concern themselves with, I got a reminder that I’m awesome. I’ve been with my company over 4 years now, my depot has been open just over 4 years and was one of the 1^st to open. So, by default I am one of the longest serving night operators in the company. And for most of my shift I am the longest serving on shift. Thanks to that… I know things… Not things I’ve been training on necessarily, but I have picked up.

Last week, I was running not 1, not 2 but 3 depots, and these depots weren’t in the same location, they actually couldn’t have been farther apart. Plus, I was running one of our biggest contacts while doing tech support on a new system we recently launched. And I smashed it.

I did everything that should have been done, missed nothing and even got my paperwork done. I received zero thanks for it, but I don’t care. It’s nice to know, what I’m capable of.  Other operators always say I am good at my job, but I don’t see it or feel it anymore. It’s just second nature. That was a test, and it felt good. I don’t want to do every day, but I almost enjoyed it.

I am off to drink because that may have gone well, but my last shift didn’t. What was your last personal or professional victory? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Weird Dream Freak Out

 I had a weird, weird dream last night and I think I might be done with the whole sleeping thing now. Science still doesn’t fully understand the function of dreaming; some say it’s your subconscious, some say it’s to help deal with emotions or decision making. I don’t care what the reason is I just think my dream system is drunk.

 The dream started off pleasant enough; a group of my work colleagues and I were out for a meal and drinks before a big meeting the following day. It was getting late and we had an early morning we all went back to our hotel rooms.

Tyler and I were sharing a room, we went to the room opened the door and there was a giant bed instead of the 2 bed there should have been. This wouldn't have phased me in reality and didn’t in the dream either. We are both adults and the bed was a super, massive, giant king that could have fit 15 people.

We got into our pjs and decided to order room service; I mean the company was paying so I think dream us did the right thing. It appeared we ordered popcorn, chocolate and sweets because clearly, we’re classy like that. We turn on a film and watched that, giggling and have a good time.

I can only assume we fell asleep at some point, because the dream continued with me waking up in the night to move a blanket slightly. At which point I noticed Tyler was cuddled up to me, all big spoon like. Nothing wrong with that, it was actually sweet. Also, please note, our pjs were still on and everything in this dream was 100% PG.

I snuggled back into him and fell asleep. I then wake up, in a different bed, Tyler was still the big spoon, I was still happily snuggled up… however, I was no longer the little spoon, I was the middle spoon and there was a baby asleep in my arms.

At which point I woke up in a complete panic, as if Freddy Krueger had just showed up. I was freaked out to a whole new level. I don't have these kinds of dreams. What the actual hell? There is no need for that dream. That dream has no purpose. What the hell brain? You have some explaining to do. And clearly some sobering up to do as well. Actually, don’t explain yourself, I don’t want to know… just don’t ever do it again.

Where the hell did the baby even come from? Did a stork bring it? Why was I co-sleeping? Since when do PG snuggles land you in an 18-year mini prison? So many questions.

Clearly, my dreams are out to get me, and sleep is a thing I need to quit with immediate effect. What is the strangest dream you’ve had? And do you think it meant anything? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And, as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Halfway There

Welcome to July ladies and gentlemen. The year is officially half over, and it seems like now is as good a time as any to reflex on the year so far and to see where we are with the goals we set in January. Hopefully we can point ourselves in the right direction to actually achieve some of those goals before we run out of time.

Let’s start with my “love life”. Yep, it’s so bad it gets quotation marks. Still single, still mainly ok with it. This year, I feel, isn’t the year for that. It sucks knowing time is against me, but I need to be a good me before I can be there for someone else.

My job is next up on the list. I still have a love hate relationship with it. The hate isn’t that strong at the moment, but I know it’s just around the corner. I feel my July review will be telling. I have other offers and depending on what is said and what money is offered, it may be time to move on.

Next is my blog. I am not sucking at this one. I haven’t missed a week yet. My numbers are looking good. My ad revenue blows; I think I was actually making more when I wasn’t posting regularly. But, that’s AdSense for you. I’m still not rocking the social media side of things, but baby steps. I’m happy where I am at the moment.

My health was the last goal I wrote about in January; it’s a thing. I have stuck to using my treadmill every day. I feel better for it. My weight still isn’t a focus, but I think I may be getting to a better place where it can be. I feel a lot less mentally exhausted. I think my head is finally wrapped around everything, at least for now.

And that’s where we are halfway through the year. Some progress has been made. Some more could be made. But, so far, so average. That brings me to the question of the blog; How are you doing with your goals for 2019? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friends In Low Places

As much as I can find my job soul sucking and absolutely hate it at times, I also realise I am very lucky to work with the bunch of people I do. Night workers in general tend to have closer bonds. I think it has to do with having no management around and having to work together to make things work. But the group I currently have a special and just when you’re at your lowest they have a way of reminding of that.

Recently I was thrown to the sharks, made to cover 3 contracts with next to no training. Admittedly, I had done one of them before, however, that was 3 and half years ago, but my training on that was seriously outdated. My teammates around the country, knowing I was struggling, jumped in to save me. Nobody had to do anything, but without evening asking they happily helped.

I couldn’t be more thankful or grateful for the team of people I have around me. The job may suck, but the people are second to none. And, it just goes to show it’s good to have friends in low places.

Love ya,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Joining Team Tyler?

After my “date” with Mr. Block and some soul searching, I may be coming around to this whole Team Tyler way of thinking.

I’ve said it many times, Tyler is a lovely guy, I can’t fault him. I was thinking about this other night he actually reminds me a lot of my backup plan pact friends from school. You know the pact, if we’re not married by X age, we’ll marry each other. I had a couple of them and not surprisingly, they all got married. They were lovely guys. The ones your mother didn’t mind hanging out in your bedroom because they were nice boys.

I’m a little said they all got married off. I briefly dated one of them while we were in school, and I ended up breaking up with him because of peer pressure. He wasn’t cool enough. Not my brightest move, but he’s living his best life these days. Happily married with kids and is still a sweetheart. We still talk occasionally.

Tyler reminds a lot of that boy particularly. Something about being a voice of reason when my brain wants chaos. And his ability to actually make me listen. Which is rare; I can only think of a handful of people that can do that and even fewer that manage to do that without being a twatbag (Mr. X being the one that comes to mind with that description).

I don’t know, maybe you guys aren’t so crazy. Or maybe I’ve just had too much blue agave juice… nope, that sounded sound any better than tequila. It was worth a shot.

Anyways, I am off to enjoy my last few hours of freedom before work sucks all the life out of me. But before I go, I have this question for you; Are you Team Tyler? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

It Actually Happened

Here’s a blog I never thought I’d be writing; After being cancelled on, what must have been 15 times, I finally met Mr. Block. And I can safely say it wasn’t worth the wait.

Here’s what happened; It was his birthday and I sent him a generic happy birthday message on Facebook. He responded back and we ended up chatting. Nothing flirty at all just normal friendly chat. He mentioned during the conversation he was spending his birthday alone. I didn’t take much notice, but it said it again later and apparently my heart isn’t completely stone because I felt bad for him.

I told him if he wanted, I would come around for a drink since nobody should spend their birthday alone… Unless you’re me and that’s your idea of a fantastic birthday. So, after a little back and forth it was decided I’d go around.

He lives in a lovely area, it was nice driver, highlight of the experience really.  Once I found the place, he came out to get me, said he hi and to follow him and that was about it. The apartment was cute, very single guy basic. Nothing wrong with that. He got me a beer; he was drinking Bud Light. That’s not normal. What dude drinks Bud light? Hell, I don’t know any girls that drink that shit. He sat down and chatted about work. He apparently got a promotion and pay raise, just that week. Men who brag about that stuff on a first date normally have a small… personality that’s all I’m saying. And we watched a little TV.

The beer was the first little warning, the second was the tv programming, murder, all murder shows. I love true crime, but not really something I’d watch with someone I just meet. I was a little worried I was going to end up on one of those shows.

He then tried to put the “moves” on me as if he was 12. He kept inching his hand towards mine, brushing my hand. I ended grabbing his hand to stop whatever he was doing.  I also think he tried to kiss me a couple times, but I dodged and played dumb.

I ended up leaving around 23:00 I only stayed a couple of hours. He didn’t try anything when I left, which I found weird. No hug, or attempt at kiss, he just waved and didn’t even walk me back to my car. The whole night was just weird.

Not sure I’ll be doing it again, but glad to have crossed it off the list. Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the remaining few hours of my holiday. Before I go I have this question for you; Do you trust a guy who drinks light beer? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

A Problem Only I Could Have

Recently I met our trainer for dialysis, the person who will be coming to our house each day for 3 weeks to train both my stepdad and I on how to run the lines and things like that. Slight issue… I know him.

The real issue…. I dated him… can’t remember if I slept with him, but, it's a possibility. But yeah, I  definitely dated him and I’m pretty sure I did a disappearing act on him. From what I remember he was really clingy, and I found it super off putting, as you would, so.... I stopped replying to him.... with no explanation.

I was kind of hoping he didn’t remember me, but the fact he wished me happy birthday on Facebook leads me to believe otherwise. I swear if the ghosts weren’t bad enough, now I have a zombie on my hands. I can’t catch a break. Although, even I’ll admit this kind of funny. In a if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry kind of way.

Wish me luck, I may need it. I’d leave you with a question of the blog, but the only one I can think of is; Does anyone know any good hiding spots? Stay safe my dears… and be careful whom you date.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Team Tyler

A lot of you have been asking for an update on Tyler, and I don’t really have one; Nothing has changed. I know a lot of you think he’s “the one” or “he’s perfect for me”. I think you’ve all watched one too many rom coms.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Tyler to bits, he plays a very important role in my life; keeping me sane and stopping me falling to pieces. I’m very grateful to have him around. Somehow, he has found a way to bring out the non-evil bitch in me even though I was positive that side of me was dead. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

That said, we share different wants in life. He doesn’t want kids, I… haven’t made that choice yet. He doesn’t see himself getting married. I do. He doesn’t want to relocate, I can’t. He is very extroverted, while I’d happily never leave my house again. People are very peopley and I just can’t these days. I understand the why your Team Tyler, he is a great guy, but I don’t see it happening and I'm positive he doesn’t see it happening either.

Love you guys, thanks for not writing off my love life just yet. I’ll leave you with this question; is “the one” an actual thing or are we all deluding ourselves? Let me know your thoughts in the comments down below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

And Another Ghost

I kind of feel like something has happened to awaken the dead, and it needs to piss off and take all the ghosts it stirred up with it. I don’t have the patience, time, want nor will to deal with any of them and apparently the memo regarding that was either not dispatched or is just being ignored, and I am about to snap.

The latest ghost to rear its ugly head, is even more retro than Mr. X. This one dates back 19 years. He lived from the time I was 13 until I’m guessing around 19 – 20. He sent me a message on Facebook asking how I was and talking about old times, saying we should meet up… I wasn’t biting. As we know I’ve dealt with many ghosts before I’m basically I pro at this point.

He did say something while I was ignoring him that still has me laughing. “u lost ur v plates to me”. What the actual fuck? Is this meant to be a positive thing? It was 18 years ago… my virginity would be an adult by now. I thank you for setting the bar so low, but really, what relevance does that have at this point in life. Also, what adult types like that? Grow up. P.S this twat-bag is married so it gets even better.

Anyways, I am going to go and hide from these ghosts because this isn’t funny anymore. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Happy Birthday To Me

“Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to me.”

It’s my birthday today, and a good sign I am old is my birthday fell on a Friday and I’m spending it at home, in bed, just chilling all by myself. And I can’t think of a better way to spend the day. Although I’m not sure if that’s my age or just the fact I hate 99% of people.

 I’m sure I should be stressed about life, and about being a scary age and having to make some life decisions, but I’ve decided to take the day off stressing. Those worries will all be there tomorrow, today is just about relaxing and being.

I am off to enjoy a birthday drink and play the Sims. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Not Dealing With Stress

I’ve learned throughout the years that if I ignore stress it will manifest itself in physical symptoms. Most commonly for me is a sharp pain in my left shoulder. While it sucks; I can cope with that fairly well. I handle it better than real stress anyways. That said, it appears my body has gotten wise and has upped its game.

The pain in my shoulder, morphed into tension across basically every muscle in my body. I feel like I may snap in half at any moment, my body has no flexibility. When that didn’t cause me to deal with things it moved to screwing with my sleep. I’ve developed a death gripe in my sleep. If I am lucky, I grab onto blankets or pillows and not let go. If I am lucky, I grab onto myself, which results in bruise of whatever body part I grabbed, thigh, arm, wrist.

Now, that it appears we’ve moved on to vibrating. Which it’s new and I’m already bored of. Like, come on body can you just not let me be? This one is weird. It’s like I’m shaking, but faster. Apparently, a lot of people say it feels like an electric toothbrush. I can really put it into words other than to say it I’ve over it.

I don’t know what I am meant to do to deal with the stress, to relieve the issues. My mom is dying, it’s stressful. The end of that is her dead and that’s way more stressful. Seems like I can’t fucking win this one.

Anyways, I am going to go and do something to take my mind off things. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Are You Happy?

Despite my conversation with Mr. X being brief it may have opened a can of worms I didn’t intend for it to. I asked him if he was finally happy. And to my shock, he said yes. He then turned the tables and asked me if I was happy.

That’s a question, and not a straight forward one, although he got a straight forward answer. It’s a difficult question. I’m not unhappy. I have happy moments if that counts for anything. I’m kind of just being. I don’t think I’m even allowed to be happy right now. I don’t know.

It’s a strange question. And to be honest, I’m less than happy he claims to happy these days. His misery gave me hope. Shocking, Mr. X kicks me while I’m down one last time. And he doesn’t even realize. What a prick.

Anyways, I am going to go drink because alcohol is a solution. Before I go I shall leave you with this question; Are you happy? Let me know in the comment down below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

One Ghost Down, Another One Up

When one ghost vanishes another one pops up and this one my friends, is a good one.  After being absent for nearly 2 years Mr. X popped up and I’m not sure what to make of it. He popped up in the most small talking way possible, it throw me off. As we all know, he doesn’t do small talk and I don’t do it either. I trait to this day I blame him for.

The shoe failed to drop during the conversation. I’m not sure what the motivation was… and I’m sure there was a motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I have actually missed him, and thought about messaging him myself, but what does one say to a ghost?

The conversation was painless and kept fairly brief. It was just weird. However, it’s been a nice distraction so I’m not complaining. Just thrown off my game by the whole thing.

Anyways, I am off to job hunt, that’s a story for another day. But before I go, I will leave you with this question; Why do you think Mr. X popped up? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Mr. Block Vanishes

So… it appears I may have broken Mr. Block and I’m finding the whole thing hilarious. He tried to cancel on me yet again and I called him out on his bullshit and informed him I was so confident he’d cancel I had actually made other plans. At which point he decided he was joking, and I told him that was fine, my plans with him came first, he responded by vanishing off the planet.

What a gem he clearly is. Guys like that actually make dying alone appealing.

I haven’t heard from him in around 2 weeks, so I am assuming he’s dead. No real heart break there We all knew what he was and now he’s out of the way to make room for the next reject.

I am off to try and get things done, before I fall asleep again. Fighting off this bug going around is hard work. As always, my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Sticking At 31

My birthday is fast approaching, and I’m not really thrilled about the concept of getting any older. I handled turning 30 ok, 31 was fine… 32 on the other hand, nope, don’t want to do it.

In my head, rightly or wrongly, I need to have my shit together by the time I turn 33 if I have any plan to have kids. Now, I’m not sure I want kids, but realistically 35 is the cut off for that, the risks get scary after that point. I’m single so I’d like to get to know the guy who is going to ruin my body, so I need to have met him by 33. I have a year to make my mind up and meet someone. Can anyone else hear that loud fucking ticking sound?

I’m not sure where I am meant to find the time to figure this all out and to meet someone and wow, my head actually hurts.

I think the plan is to cancel my birthday and stick at 31 for another year, I can do that right? Anyways, how do you cope with that loud ticking sound? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Taking Control Update

On January 1^St I wrote a post about taking control; understanding there are many things that are going to happen this year that are out of my hands and I can’t do anything to control that. However, there are many things I can control, and I need to take ownership on that. That post went live January 11^Th, it is now coming up to April 11^Th, so I thought I’d give you an update 4 months on.

The first thing I wanted to take control of was my blog. So far so good. I am yet to miss a Friday, which is a lot better than I managed in 2018, I think I made it to February before I missed a post. I’d love to step up my social media game, get that back to where it used to be. But I am happy with the small steps.

I also wanted to take control of my health and build some healthy habits. They say it takes 3 full months to build a habit; I think it may take longer, as none of it is second nature yet. That said, I haven’t missed a day on my treadmill. I’ve slowly built up the time. I do a minimum of 20 minutes every day. I’m feeling better for it. I’ve also cut back on takeout. I only allow myself to indulge once a week and I’m actually in credit with that. Weight loss needs to follow suit soon, however, I’m not ready for that just yet. I have, however, loss 5lbs just making the small changes I have.

The last thing I wanted to take control of was my job. I’ve not done much with this yet. I’m holding out until our July reviews to see what information I can get and how it goes. I don’t dislike my job. I am struggling at the moment with the people part of my job, but I am struggling with people in life, so I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. I need to look at this and sort a long-term plan, but I am not in the mindset to do that yet.

That’s where we are so far. It was actually nice to write this. I hadn’t realised how much progress I had made. I’m feeling slightly less hopeless now. Before I disappear, I have this question for you; what process have you made this year? Let me know in the comments below. And, as always, make sure you stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Universe Hates Me

When you make/ date mistakes in your youth why does nobody warn you those mistakes will keep haunting you? I am nearly 32 years old, why on earth are guys I had one-night stands with when I was 20 still messaging me?  Why are guys I flirted with at a job I had nearly 8 years ago messaging me? Why the hell are guys, I hadn’t responded to in 3 years still messaging me? What the heck is wrong with me that those are my options?

I try to remain good humoured in all of this. I have to, after all I’ve made a career out of having a shitty love life. However, there reaches a point where it’s not funny anymore. The joke gets old. I’m not asking for a lot in a partner, I’m really not. Yet, the universe seems to take enjoyment in throwing fuckwits at me, and not even new fuckwits, the universe is too lazy for that, it recycles fuckwits!

I’m perfectly fine on my own. I’ve said this before, I’d make a lousy girlfriend right now. However, given all the energy the universe seems to spend replaying my poor choices on a seemingly never-ending loop. Surely it could throw me a fucking bone.

A nice guy, with manners, who enjoys cuddles and doesn’t mind a little makeup on his shirt, because god knows I can’t hold my shit together these days. Not a lot to ask really. Surely that would take less effort than tormenting me.

Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that rant off my chest I am going to go and enjoy my holiday from work. But before I go, I have this question for you; do you ever feel like the universe hates you? Let me know your thoughts in the comment below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

I am struggling

I’ve always seen blogging as a form of therapy, and right now I am hoping it’ll work in a similar way.  I don’t really want to write or talk about what’s going on, but I need to do something because my sanity is feeling really fragile.

My mother’s latest test results were poor. Nothing was tracking where it should be. Her liver function is down. She has fluid around the lungs and the doctor aren’t happy with how her heart is functioning. I’m not sure if you know this, but the number 1 cause of death in people with kidney disease isn’t kidney failure; its other organs, normally the heart or lungs that stop functioning due to a build-up of fluids in the body.

My mom is handling things like she always does, she’s a rock. I, on the other hand, am holding things together just enough to get by. I am struggling, a lot, and I am not sure what I am meant to do to snap out of this. I want to enjoy what time I have left with her but seeing her like this is hard. It’s funny, she’s carrying on and I’m the one struggling to get out of bed.

Anyways, my eyes are doing that thing where water floods out of them at a rate that is embarrassing, so I am going to go and get ready for work. I’m not going to leave with you any questions. Just remember to stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Mr Block Returns

It may be a brand-new year; however, it seems I’m still plagued by old ghosts. It appears after a silent few months Mr. Block has decided it is time to resume his hunting and unlucky for him my patience for his bull is at an all-time low.

On February 27^Th he reappeared with a “Hello Stranger, have you missed me?” Without missing a beat, I replied “can’t say that I have.” However, he wasn’t phased and preceded to tell me he was sorry and how he’s grown up. He went one to tell me he was making it his mission to prove to me he’s changed. All my brain was thinking during all this was “yep, this is why I am going to die alone.”

After a few messages back and forth, his motive became clear to me. He explained that at the end of March he was moving to a place about 15 miles from me. He hasn’t come out and said anything, yet, but to me it would appear he’s after a dial-a-hoe, and my location makes me perfect in his eyes for that.

Now, I could be wrong. He may have changed or grown up, but that seems unlikely and I am far too old to deal with that shit. Having someone like Tyler around has reminded me that not all guys are twats and I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap. That said, part of me wants to meet him for a drink so at least I’ve gotten a drink out of this shit show. So… I don’t know.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy what remains of my night off, but before I go, I have this question for you; should I meet him for a drink or write him completely off? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo