Uncertainty

This might be the first time in a long time I’ve blogged because I’ve needed to blog rather than blogging because I want to, and am trying to get back into the habit because I miss you guys. At the end of the day we’re one big dysfunctional family here and crazy needs crazy.

Uncertainty is the theme of this blog as I’m sure you can tell since…..you can read; and there seems to be a lot of it in my life right now. And I’ll let you in on a little secret, I don’t like it. Inside my head is crazy enough, I don’t need the thing around me to follow suit, that’s too much crazy…nobody needs that much crazy.

Uncertainty number 1 is my job; it was announced Monday that the site I work at is being closed down and presumably relocated. I say presumably because nothing has been announced, but truck driver’s gossip more than teenage girls and we’ve been aware of new site in the works for several months.

The problem I have is the new site is about an hour and a half away. So an hour and half there, 12 hours at work, an hour and a half back, two hours to get ready for work, 2 hours to fall asleep after work ……if math isn’t your thing let me help you out, that leaves 5 hours. This bitch gets bitchy when she doesn’t get her beauty sleep. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you already, “she gets bitchy when she does get her sleep too”. ….charming.

Problem 2 is I crazy ex-girlfriend stalked my company online and I can’t find an application for an operator’s licence for the alleged new site anywhere. Which is worrying me…. A lot. No licence, no job, it’s as simple as that.

I am a little reassured by the fact that if there is a new site, my supervisor is leaning towards going. I don’t want to work under someone else, (that sounded a little wrong) I’m finally in a position where I can build on my knowledge and possibly move up. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m working with the best person to help me. I may wholeheartedly disagree with his decisions at times (which is how I know it’s time to think about moving up) but I’m not going to find anyone better suited to teach me. ……Shhhh if you listen carefully you can hear his ego growing.

I do have the advantage of not being tied to my current location, but A) There has to be another site for that to work and B) my pay would have to go up to match the standard of pay at that location.

The other major uncertainty is the “not boyfriend” as I call him. Barney and I have been dating nearly 4 months at this point and we’re…well…uncertain. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, we’re not seeing each other enough to get to that point…yet the desire on both parts to get to that point is there, but it’s not going to happen anytime soon and by soon I mean this side of 2014.

Part of me thinks my best bet is to cut my losses and run and the other part is brainwashed by a man I never get to see but really wants to. I don’t know what it is with this guy, I’m immune to guy bullshit normally; even with Mr X I was able to call him out of his bullshit. This guy’s bullshit has mutated for the pure purpose of slipping past my defenses and it’s driving me crazy!

And I’m sure it’s driving me crazier than it otherwise would if it wasn’t for all the uncertainty at work. It feels like I don’t know anything right now. I don’t know if I have a job, If I'm going to have to find a new job, if I I’m going to have to move, if it’s worth moving, if there will be any staff left when we get to the new site, if there will be a new site, I don’t know when I’m going to know any of this, I don’t know when I’m going to see my not boyfriend, when I’ll hear from him, if he’ll ever be more than that, do I want him to be more than that…….hell I’m not even sure I know my damn name right now!

I don’t like uncertainty, I like to know where I stand and right now it feels like I’m standing on quicksand reaching for a one armed monkey swinging from a tree.

Anyways, that’s enough of…whatever that was. I need to go get dressed and go vote because if you don’t vote you have no right to bitch and we all know I like to bitch. So I shall leave you with this question; what don’t you know that you wish you did? Let me know your answer to that and any thoughts you have on my mess in the comment box below and as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Written Snapshot

I was having a conversation with the guy I declared dead a few blogs ago, that’s right he’s alive....or a zombie, either way I was having a conversation with Zombie Man and he said something intriguing. He said he enjoys reading my blogs because he likes learning what makes me tick. In that same conversation he also made a comment about me having some “strong points of view” and all that got me thinking about the random comments I get on blogs that I wrote years ago.

Now I’m not going to deny having a strong point of view, anyone who has read any of my blogs can tell you that, it’s a common blogger trait however like most bloggers those views change, sometimes over a long period of time with the input of new information or other time it just takes me pressing the publish button.   

A blog is like a written snapshot; what you read is that person's outlook at that exact second in their life. 10 seconds later everything may have changed. That doesn’t make what you’re reading any less valid, that’s just life. And I think it’s hard for a lot of readers to understand that.

And as a blogger it’s hard to find people that understand that. I will always take my imaginary hat off to Mr. X, I have called that man every name in the book and I think I even made up a few and he doesn’t react to it. He understands the blogging thing. That said, he should understand it because he’s also a blogger.

I find it tedious to deal with comments on blogs that are years old because I’m no longer in that mind space, and in some cases I just don’t care anymore, I obviously cared at some point however now I’m older, wiser (maybe) and those topics, worries and thoughts have been replaced with new ones that are more recent in memory.

As for Zombie Man I am sure there is a lot to be learned about me from my blog, however how much of it is still valid and makes sense outside my crazy head is up for debate.

Let me leave you with this question, is it possible to find that “snapshot” understanding with someone who isn’t a blogger? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Life Lesson 384

Trying to write a blog; while on muscle relaxants and painkillers is a complete waste of time.

I woke up this morning to something I can only assume was my attempt at blogging last night. I’m fairly certain most of it wasn’t in English and I’m positive the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I was writing about is actually my Animal pillow. At least I hope it is.

I’m a little hazy on the details of last night but my back feels much less evil today, so, cheer to the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I guess lol

What is the last event in your life that you’re a little hazy about? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it what else could “pink squidgy marshmallow man” be? As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Am I Lucky?

I just finished reading my blogging bestie’s latest post and it left me with a strange and somewhat disturbing thought......

Am I lucky to have had Mr. X?

Her version of Mr. X (Mr. M) recently discovered her blog, and well....he wasn’t a fan. He basically reverted back to being a small child and stopped speaking her; which is possibly the biggest fear among bloggers everywhere.

The fear isn’t that they’ll read our inner most thoughts; the fear is they won’t understand that it’s our thoughts. The fear is they'll read it as fact, black and white, when it’s actually part of our process to work things out. The female brain is a confusing place at the best of times and blogging is a way to unconfuse it. We write about what we feel and what we feel changes, involves, it’s not us being “mean” it’s us trying to balance the sane and crazy parts of our brains.

Mr. X understood that, he understood women talk and need to blow off steam; and for me, my blog is the place I do that. In a strange way Mr. X liked my blog, unlike most women, he knew what I was thinking and what I had to say when he wasn’t around. He took my blog for what it is, my crazy brain exploding in word form.

Her Mr. M didn’t get it; he was offended by her words, which makes no sense to me; blogging isn’t really your words, it’s your thoughts and feelings; people think not nice thoughts all day long. There is a disconnect (for most people) between the things you think and the things you say. There is a filter (or so I hear) that stops people saying things that might offend others. Blogging is like routine maintenance on that filter  It’s a way to clean it so one day it doesn’t snap and you start saying things that will land you in trouble. Mr. M; like lots of men doesn’t understand that.

Which leads me back to the question that started it all; “am I lucky to have had Mr. X?”

I have no answer for that question; right now it’s just crazy and sane fighting it out in my head so I shall leave you guys with this; why do you blog and does it complicate your relationships?

As always stay and play safe,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Too Much Truth

A few nights ago the girls and I got together for a gossip session and during our chat they decided it was time for me to start dating again and I actually agree with them for a change. I’ve been single for a record amount of time and I’m ready to start looking again.

However we didn’t agree on everything. We were split on whether or not I should tell prospective boyfriends I’m a blogger or not.

Obviously If I found myself in a serious relationship I would tell him. That’s not the question. Everyone I blog about regularly knows; Evil Monkey, NTB, Mr. X they all know and even read my blog.

The question is at what point do I have to tell them?

If I wait too long to tell someone it sets a bad tone for the relationship. It comes off like I wasn’t being forthcoming. To combat that problem some of the girl suggested I tell the guy from the start I’m a blogger but don’t give him my URL. I’m not really sure that makes it any better. That’s still not being very forthcoming.

One of the girls said it’s best not to say anything at all. And I see where she’s coming from but if a guy comes across it on his own, things are going to get messy fast. So I’m not sure how smart that idea is.

The rest of the girls said I should just tell any guy I meet straight up from the start. That has one big flaw in my book. Can you really get to know someone if they’re always in the back of their mind, wondering what you’re going to write about them? I honestly don’t know if that’s possible.

People worry about their image and if they know you’re likely to post something, good or bad, be it now or 5 years down the line, they may not be so willing to let their walls down and show the real them.

Because I write a mix of current life and past relationships it’s hard for anyone to know what may find its way into my blog and when. I use this method because I like to leave a gap between a breakup and me insulting them. I find the longer I wait the less they care what I write. But I could see that being a problem for a new boyfriend. Nobody likes hearing about their girlfriend’s exes and then you have the problem that if I don’t write about him, he's wondering if he’s not special enough to be written about.

It’s a strange position to be in and the whole thing hurts my head. So what do you guys think? Should I tell a prospective boyfriend I’m blogger and if so when? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Forced Holiday

I’m back.

I guess I should start by explaining my disappearing act. There isn’t actually much to tell. I was order by my doctor to take a few weeks off and relax.

He gave me this order, well; he actually didn’t give it to me, he gave it to my mom. Yes that’s right my mom. The doctor went over my head and gave it to my mom leaving me no choice in the matter.

He gave the order for two main reasons. The first is since my MRI I’ve been having panic attacks. Which my doctor says is due to stress. 18 doctors appointment in the first 4 months of 2012 will do that to a person. The second reason was my back was spasming and I had an appointment with a new doctor coming up. It was very likely at that first appointment he was going to do injections in my back which apparently is very hard to do when the back is spasming.

At first I wasn't a fan of these orders, I had things I needed to do and nobody was letting me do them. My mom actually went so far as to, hide my netbook and steal my PC keyboard. Charming I know.

After one final panic attack it became very clear I was taking this forced holiday whether I liked it or not and I should stop wasting my energy and just go with it.

I’m weird with panic attacks; I’m a very sane crazy person. I lay with my back against the wall looking at my door, because it stops that somebody is going to come up behind me and stab me feeling. As I’m lying there I’m thinking this is fucking crazy. My room is on the ground floor and at the front of the house, surely the window would be my biggest problem not the door. Like I said I’m a sane crazy person.

Despite the fact I thought I felt fine before my forced holiday I have to admit now my doctor was right. Even though it took me the best part of my time off to actually relax once I did, I could really feel the difference and as an added plus was my neck and back weren’t feeling so tight.

Or at least they weren’t until I met my new doctors yesterday, who I can safely say beat the living shit out of my back. I guess the upside is they decided, at least for now, they aren’t going to do any injections. Thank god for that. I’ve been under that fluoroscope so many times I think my ovaries are starting to glow in the dark.

After getting double teamed by two doctors yet again today, and let me add not in the good way, I’ve been given the green light to end my forced holiday. So I should be resuming my regular blogging schedule as of....now.

And if you ask me it’s not a second too soon, I’ve missed blogging. As always my dears stay safe,

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

I didn't know

Anyone who chooses to have a relationship with a blogger has to be a special type of person. Not just because every detail of your relationship is liable to be posted online, the good and the bad. But you can never use the line “I didn’t know.”

You’d think it would be easier for guys. Nobody is asking them to read between the lines like in many relationships, all they have to do is read.

Shame it never seems to work that way.

They either get whinny and bitchy about what you wrote, missing the whole point and demanding you take down the post “right this second”. Or they play dumb and say they didn’t know the post was about them.

Are you kidding me? How does a person read events that they experienced and not know it’s about them? That boggles my mind. There is no way on earth they can actually be that dumb....is there?

Nothing infuriates me more than when a guy plays dumb. You may not give a shit and that’s fair enough but don’t insult my intelligence by playing dumb, I’m not buying it.

For that reason I give Mr. X a lot of credit. He may not have given a shit when I was upset but he always knew I was and why. He didn’t care but he never played dumb about it either. I respect that.

So I guess the question is do you play dumb and if so why? Or do you call it like you see it even if it might hurt someone’s feelings?

Stay safe guys, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo