I Am Not OK

 Just a tiny disclaimer; I am posting this out of order as well. Just trying to sort my head out before I have to face the world tomorrow and head back to work.

Let’s be honest, it is no secret that I’m struggling at the moment, between work and my mom, my ability to cope has been more then pushed. So, when my mom’s latest test results came back, and her function was down another 3%, I broke.

It’s funny because I’ve always kidded that I’m a sane crazy person, and that’s what this has been. I can see the warning signs and I know what I am doing is unhealthy, but, the will to do anything else just isn’t there.

Simple things like eating; I’ve eaten gummy bears and a packet of vegi chips in 4 days. I have food in, I could make soup in 2 minutes. Yet I walk to the kitchen, decided fuck it, and get back into bed. I don’t have the will or want to make anything.

Personal care is another thing that’s gone out the window. I haven’t washed my hair this whole 4 off. I haven’t done any skin care in weeks. I’ve been wearing next to no makeup, if any when I am out of the house. I know that doesn’t seem major, but given my collection this is very out of character.

I have also withdrawn socially. I haven’t wanted to do anything this 4 off other than lay in my bed. I have done, maybe 5000 steps in 4 days. I haven’t answered any messages, taken any calls, I haven’t even opened most the messages on my phone. I just haven’t wanted to deal with people.

The ridiculous part is I know cutting myself off is horrible. The night I found out about my mom’s results, in the wee hours I was laying in bed shaking, in floods of tears, really not in a great place; I picked my phone up and started typing, I was trying to distract myself.  Typing and deleting, picking stupidly long words that can’t be spelled. Not really thinking, I did this on Steve’s Snapchat, forgetting Snapchat tells you when someone is typing, he must have spotted this and called me out for it. Rather than answer he’s what’s up questions, I chose to go for a walk, in the rain, in my pjs at 5am. The sad part is, I didn’t even dry off when I got home, I took my shoes off and got straight back into bed soaking wet. All that rather than try and reach out. To be fair, I am sure he wouldn’t have given a fuck, nor would I have blamed him. He’s just a baby and my mental breakdowns is my issue not anyone else’s.

I know none of this is ok, but I have made some smart decisions as well; I’ve cut out drinking and caffeine. I am writing, not posting everything, but getting it off my chest. I am trying to be smart in where I funnel my limited energy into and if I need to stay and bed and cry it out so be it. It’s not ok right now, but it will be.

Anyways, I need to go and sleep because despite spending most of my days off in bed, sleep hasn’t really been happening. I won’t leave you with a question this post, so just stay and play safe my friends.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Late Night Rabblings

Just a tiny disclaimer; I am posting this out of order. I need to sort my head out and this is the only healthy way I know how to do that. I could schedule this to post this later, but I’d rather get it done and gone.

When it comes to my work life, I thrive when I’m left the hell alone. I like to come in do my job and go home. I’m not interested in the ass kissing, ladder climbing, attention grabbing. I’m happiest when my name is not in management’s mouth and they forget I exist. This is why I work nights and its even the reason I write my handovers in a certain way, unlike most, I actually hide what I do overnight. I don’t want management knowing how good I am. In all my reviews I am called the steadiest night operator in the company, and in my book that’s prefect. That should be a recipe for a stress-free life.

Then some genius had the bright idea of taking our nice flat management structure and turning it into a hierarchy with almost as many layers as there are people working there. Which means, instead of dodging 1 manager, who is based 2 hours from where I actually work. I now have to dodge 2 managers and a dumb ass supervisor who has been on an ego trip since he got promoted.

Now, as much as I rather keep my name out of managers mouth’s, I am not one be to walked over either and sadly my company has a habit of doing that if you let them. Since I’m not looking to climb the ladder, I have nothing to lose by my standing my ground and this has a habit of pissing off middle management. I’ve read my contract and T&C I know where I stand, and they can be damned if they think I can be bullied or blackmailed into anything that isn’t in there.

That brings us to the root of the issues, I don’t do overtime or at least not a lot of it. Normally this is because when my ducks are in row, I do acting, improv, I was doing stand up last year, I have a life outside of work. Right now, I’m not doing it because my mom is unwell, and my life is not remotely together. Mentally I can’t cope with overtime, I can barely cope period right now. I am a damn zombie just trying to survive and I’m not doing a good job at that.

Baring in mind my manager knows my mom is unwell; I haven’t told him, but another operator has. He has been trying to push OT for months. I’ve stood my ground and refused. As a result of me refusing he has cancelled a week’s holiday I had booked. Because that didn’t make me back down, he then refused a second lot of my holiday after yelling at me because I had holiday days not booked and then booked me a week’s holiday I didn’t want. And because of “my unwillingness” to do over time I’ve now been temporarily relocated to another depot (that is in my contract in case you’re wondering).

I’ve spoken to Steve about this and he thinks I should go to HR and report the manager. I just don’t think I have that fight in me at the minute. Plus, my gut is telling me if I go to HR I will find myself permanently relocated to Antarctica. I can’t go to my area manager because my manager was the best man at his wedding. So, I am left with suck it up or find a new job or, I guess, marry a penguin.

I just don’t know what I want to do or what I should do or if I should do anything. I’m all out of fight, I am all out of strength, I am all out of will.  All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, all I want is a hug and someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok. But that’s not really how life works is it? We have to dry our tears, put on a smile and carry on, praying we don’t fall apart in public.

Anyways, I am going to go and pull myself together because I don’t have time for a breakdown today. But before I go I leave the question with you, suck it up, HR or new job? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Don’t Settle For Less Than A Steve

Forgetting the fact, the whole Steve thing is morally reprehensible. It has proven to be a good learning opportunity and even seems to have facilitated some self-growth.

This was never more evident to me, then the other night at work. Both Steve and Mr. Block were messaging me at the same time and both conversations were eerily similar but handle in two very different manners.

I had sent both a picture of me at my desk, the image was cleavage heavy, however, I am cleavage heavy so unless I’m in a turtle neck that’s always an issue. Steve’s response was to ask me to remove the filter because “I don’t need it”. While, Mr. Block’s response was to ask me to get my tits fully out. It’s safe to say only one of them received any further images.

Now I am aware both of these gentlemen were after the same thing. Neither of them had pure intentions. Their motivation was more pictures to perv at. But, the old adage is true, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. And Steve is masterful at this.

Steve is basically a horny genius and he really should consider writing a book on his skills. He has mastered the technique of building you up to get the end result he wants. At this point, I can’t tell if this is something he does consciously or subconsciously and to be honest, I don’t want to know.

I’ve gone substantially further with him, digitally speaking, than with any other guys and the reason is simple. He builds me up, he makes me feel good, sexy, cute, he gives and as a result I want to give back. I want to make him feel that same way. Unlike a lot of other guys, who are all about them, who want to know what you’re going to do to them; he’s all about what he’s going to do for you. It’s a nice change.

Motivation aside; the technique is flawless, and the end result is a win, win. He gets off and my confidence is back, and I feel better in myself.

All that said, he is also a genuinely nice guy, which certainly does help the charm factor. He has quickly become one of my favourite humans to talk to at work. It has nothing to do with the flirting, although that is a nice touch, but he is a calm influence and a good voice of reason in a very stressful environment.

Just recently, I was having an issue at work and he the one I turned to not the work BFF. He was so sweet and went out of his way to make sure I was ok, and he offered some incredibly useful advice. I felt so looked after and in such safe hands, I haven’t felt the need to mention it to the work BFF at all.

The issue I have now is when I compare the likes of Mr. Block to Steve (not apples to apple, I know) it doesn’t balance out. Knowing how I feel with Steve, I’m left wondering why Mr. Block’s approach is acceptable. Why should I consider settling for less? I shouldn’t be left questioning things after a conversion with a guy. I shouldn’t be left questioning myself. I am something special, if not to him, to someone.  And if he doesn’t see that or doesn’t make me feel that way, fuck him. Nobody and I mean nobody, should settle for less than a Steve.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the time rest of the time I have off. This post took way longer to write than it should have. But, for I go I have this question for you; What makes you feel special? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

I Told Me So

When you have been a blogger as long as I have (8 years here, 6 on the previous site) sooner or later you’ll prove yourself to be an idiot and won’t even realise it. This is going to be one of those stories, so stay with me until the end.

A few days ago, out the blue my old work husband popped up again, last seen in May for anyone who is keeping score. He sent me a message explained he’d been having family issues and that’s why he hadn’t not been in touch and asking if I was still up for meeting for drinks. I said sure, why not. It would be nice to finally meet after all these years.

Then something happened, during this friendly conversation, this meet up suddenly went from a meet up to an actual date.  And in this moment, I learned something about myself. I don’t like the word “date”.  Mainly because I don’t date, I haven’t for years. I don’t like dating, it’s stupid. Something just about the word makes me nervous and instantly makes me want to cancel. I know this is stupid, but I don’t care.

However, I did talk myself in off the ledge, and I decided to keep the date. At the end of the day, I am a blogger and material is hard to come by. What is the worst that can happen right? At least that was my decision.

I was prompted while writing the post, you’ll hopefully see next week, to look back to through my old blogs. I was certain I had written about the work husband in the past and wanted his “name” for consistency purposes. After looking back through a lot of posts, I found it, boy did I find.

November 2014 was where he was hiding. What was his name you ask? Mr. Block. Anyone remember that prick? To honest, I didn’t until I reread everything. This is where the whole I am idiot comes in.

Frankly, I wasn’t having great feelings towards this date anyways for reasons to be discussed next week. There were signs were there. But, it stings so much more when it’s your own words telling you, your choice of men is horrible and clearly, it’s not improving.

This brings us nicely to the question of the blog; Do you let bygones by bygones or do you heed the warning of the past? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

Understanding A Blogger

It’s a rarity to find someone who understands a blogger, mainly because we don’t tend to understand ourselves half the time. I’ve often said, I don’t know what I am truly thinking until I read it back. And to find someone who is understanding of that process is damn near impossible.

If you’ve been here a while you’ll know, I’ve had my fair share of blog related drama over the years. A couple of lawsuits (all won, by the way), a couple breakups and more than a few fights. Blogging is not something everyone can handle nor understand, and I get it. The likes of Mr. X couldn’t even handle my blog sometimes, and he’s a blogger himself. Which are all reasons why I tend to keep my URL to myself.

Then enters Steve, who has challenged all my preconceived notions of someone being able to understand the process. And to be honest, I’m a little pissed off about it. Which I am positive isn’t a normal response, but I gave up on normal years ago.

If you read my last post you know Steve and I had minor issue a few days ago (a few weeks ago by the time you’re reading this). The following day he wanted to know what set me off and why I was so upset. At this point I explained, I needed to write first, then I’d explain everything. And to my horror he ok with this. He actually understood where I was coming from. What the hell?

He actually managed to explain my logic to me on the matter in a better way than I could. He totally understood what was going on and he fine with it. If he doesn’t get mad at what he reads here; he might actually be the perfect man. And clearly that pisses me off.

Allow me to explain that one; I am pissed off that for years I’ve made excuses for douchebag men who couldn’t handle the blog, when clearly the skill set to cope is out there. I’m pissed off that more than once I’ve settled for guys who couldn’t cope, when I shouldn’t have. And I’m pissed up that this gem that can cope is wasted on a non-blogger. 

Apparently, I am just pissed off, but what else is new eh? But as always, I’ll be ok. And at least now I know it’s possible to find someone who isn’t a man child about the whole blogging thing. So, who knows, maybe there is hope I’ll find someone someday. Personally, my money is still on 700 cats, but you never know.

Anyways, you beautiful bastards, I am going to go and try to shift my hangover. But before I leave you I have this question; what skill or quality have you given up trying to find in a partner? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Lets Get Drunk

It’s been a long time since we’ve done a drunken blog and I figure it’s about time we do it again. Allow me to give the normal disclaimer: This post will be written and edited drunk. Once I have sobered up, this post will not be touched again. I will of course respond to comment and all that goodness, but there will be no editing to what has been written. Now that that’s been said; Let’s drink.

This drunken post is going to be about Steve. Steve is, of course, the gentleman with the pregnant wife, I’ve been swapping inappropriate messages with for the past month. Once again, I am fully aware I am going to hell. I am good with it.

Steve was meant to be safe; he is after all a married man. Workplace flirting, as a rule, is a great confidence booster. And I’ll admit it, after everything, I needed it.  Not that I was lacking confidence but, the best way I can describe it is, I have confidence, but it’s lacking self-assurance. It’s a fragile confidence if you will. I’m not 100% happy with the way I look at the minute and I’m not totally happy with me, as a whole either, so bare that in mind as this story goes onwards.

Last night, I was swapping inappropriate messages with Steve, trying to get, for lack of a better word, a rise out of him, when he got a rise out of me. I had just sent him a picture that I wasn’t comfortable with, but I knew he’d like. And, instead of a normal response. He fired back asking for a different picture, one my insecurity wouldn’t allow. And then he wouldn’t drop it, he was like a dog with a boner. I didn’t mind so much he asked, but the pressure was unneeded, and I didn’t like it.

Considering he was meant to be a safe option, it didn’t feel safe. It didn’t feel good, It felt like I was a teen dating a prick and I am far too old to be dealing with that shit. And then, of course, he got an attitude with me because I was upset. Like I’m the bad guy in this. I know a lot of it is my own issues. Which is why I didn't debate any of this with him at the time, but still dude don't be a selfish horn dog.

Anyways, my tequila is not holding its buzz so I am going to end this here. But before I do, I have this question for you; What do you do when you’re pushed outside your comfort zone? Shut down? Yell? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Missing Little Voice

You know that little voice inside your head that is meant to stop you from doing stupid things that and sooner or later you’ll regret? That little buzz kill that ruins all your fun? That little kill joy that stops you becoming a meme on the internet. Yeah, I think mine quit. Or, at the very least has gone on an extended holiday and not left a forwarding address.

I know I am partly to blame. I should have listened to that voice more, made his job easier. But, I didn’t and now his absence is leading to some, frankly, sketchy decisions on my part. I never thought I’d say this, but I want him back. Preferably, before sketchy turns into dicey.

What has this little voice failed to prevent me from doing you ask? Let’s call it an inappropriate exchange of messages with a non-single male. A very non-single male. A married male. A married male whose wife is about to have a baby. Yeah, I’m going to hell.

For what it’s worth, I swear on my vibrator it started off innocent. It truly did. And then, there was a line, and it got crossed and subsequently got tap danced over in a bra and lace panties. Yeah, yeah, I am going to hell, I know.

 I know what you’re thinking, and in this case you’re wrong. I do not have an issue with unavailable men. It’s actually a pet peeve of mine and something I vented about just a few months ago. This was a judgment call failure and something that little voice should have been there to stop.

Allow me to add this minor caveat before I continue; I don’t know what their relationship make up is. There could open relationship deal there or a freedom I don’t know about. I don’t have nor have enquired about that information. I make all my moral calls based on what would upset me in a relationship, not on the rules of someone else’s relationship.

This whole thing started innocently enough, with a little work place flirting. No big deal, everyone flirts. It’s a thing you do to remind yourself not to kill everyone when you finally snap at your desk one day. It then progressed to harmless snapchat messages and pictures. Still firmly in the I am not going to hell category at this point.

Then there was a snap that changed everything, and it wasn’t sent by me. I’ll leave the nature of that snap to your imagination, but from there things got less innocent.

There were some sexual exchanges, that may have leaned toward sexting and some pictures that, well still were leaning PG-13 probably weren’t in good taste. And were definitely not appropriate to be sending a married man. All this from a girl who was once dumped for not doing this sort of thing. Go fucking figure, eh?

I don’t get it, my moral compass appears to be lost and that damn little voice seems to be living it up in Hawaii well I’m planning a tour of hell. And, to be honest, at the moment, I don’t even care.

I’m not going to leave you with a question of the blog, because I predict I’ll get plenty of questions and comments without me prompting you. So, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Let’s Talk About Sex.

Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about… well me. As I assume most of you know my sex life is pretty much an open book and has been for many years, from blogs, articles, sex toy testing to pod casts, most of my sex life is out there in some shape or form. Because of this, I sometimes forget other people have hang ups regarding the topic.

I was having a perfectly ok conversation regarding sexual pasts and I casually mention a 3some I had in my late teens. Boy, did the conversation shift. Anyone would have thought I said I was into humping taxidermy or something messed up like that. And most of it was because it was my “boyfriend” and I wasn’t the guess star.

I will say, if you are going to have a 3some be the guest star, it’s way more fun, but, why the hell not give it a try. If all parties are safe, there is no real harm to be done. The guy who I was talking to about this with was trying to make the point or wrap his head around “how could you watch your partner screw someone else.” And I can understand the thought there. However, in my case, there were no feelings there. That’s why we worked. Hell, we were fuck friends for 6 or 7 years. I still see him about this day and we’ll have a drink. There were never any romantic feeling there, which made things easier for sure. It was purely lust, and for the record it was fun. But I don’t see any issue if there were feelings. However, that boils down to a relationship’s dynamic and surely if you knew it was likely to be a problem. You just won’t do it.

Anyways, what are your thoughts on 3somes and where do you draw the line sexually? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Dating in a Male Dominated Industry

I’ve recently done some research on women in male dominated industries and the effect it has on their life both physically and romantically. To be honest, I was shocked by the research out there. And not only that, but, I was shocked by the stigma single women get from men when they work in an industry dominated by man.

Let’s address the stigma first because, I don’t understand it. Maybe you require a penis to understand the “logic” on this one. But it seems ridiculous to me.

Men seem to believe women who are single in a male dominated industries are broken, or damaged or in some way faulty. Their “logic” seems to be if they can't get a guy with that number of men around them, they're not worth having. 

These guys clearly have forgotten the golden rule “don’t shit where you eat!” Do not mix business with pleasure, it’s a horrible idea. And when you disqualify the guys you’re around 50 hours a week, it’s hard to find a man that can handle their partner being around men 50 hours a week. I’ve worked in transport over a decade and I can count on 1 hand the amount of men that have been ok with my job and most of them worked in the industry themselves. 

We’re definitely not broken, at least not any more so than other women, the system just doesn’t work in our favor. Unless, of course, you plan to climb the company ladder wrong by wrong.

What I was really surprised by is all the research regarding the negative health effects working in a male dominated industry has on women. Where was that warning when I started my career 10 years ago? They are physical risks like women tend to have higher cholesterol and nutritional deficits. And then there’s the mental risks that are even scarier.

Research has found that in a male dominated work place, the hormone found when a person is stressed is on average 15% higher in women than in a man doing the same job. Add in other factors such as lack of support, workplace harassment and sexual harassment and the risk of mental issues pile up. The number of women who work in a male dominated environment that are prescribed medication for mental issues is scary. Some studies have the figure as high as 70%. 

Those figures, actually back up something I’ve said over recent years. I can’t cope with dating and my work life. The men at work drain me mentally and when I get home, I can’t deal with bullshit. I’m snappy and lack almost all patience. Things need to either work effortlessly or I’m out. And since you’re meant to work at a healthy relationship. I am out.

I started my research hoping to find out it was possible to have a healthy relationship while working in a male industry and I’m even less sure than I was before.  The odds are simply not with us. I’m not about to say it's impossible. We pick “impossible” career paths so women in these industries know how to beat the odds. It’s just not as easy or straight forward. And personally, it’s not a fight I am willing to go through at the moment, but for the right guy I am sure it’s possible.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Quick Up Date

Since I’ve been AWOL again, let me answer some of your questions so we can get back to the regularly scheduled programming.

What happened to Mr. X? 

Good question, well, I kind of killed him off for my own sanity. He had the baby and we all know, men with children are the best form of birth control in books. So, I just pretended he was dead. It sucks a little, we were good friends and with everything going on with my mom, he’d be nice to lean on, but my sanity needed space to take the lead again.

What happened with the work husband?

Not a damn thing. He was after purely sex, and I do better if that’s the aim. He was relationship material not fuck-friend material.

How’s your mom?

She’s ok. She’s hanging in there. Kidney function is still at 14%.

How are you?

I’m not in a great place, but I am ok. Part of it is I need to sit a write. When I don’t blog my head gets messy and emotions get a little out of whack. So, I’m hoping to make this a priority again. Just for my own wellbeing.

Anyways, hopefully that catches you up a little and now we can start blogging again.

Stay safe. 

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Birchbox Unboxing - June 2018

I've not done an unboxing in a while and since I've not been writing much I thought I'd share June's Birchbox with you.

As I am sure you know, Birchbox is a monthly subscription box that costs £10 a month plus £2.95 P&P.

This month's box comes with 5 items and one bonus item.


The first thing I wanted to mention is not an actual item, but the box itself. This month it is a tin, rather than the normal useless cardboard box thing it comes in. It's fairly pretty and I'll definitely reuse it.




Poaar- Velvety Sun Fluid Face & Body

The first item is Polaar sunscreen. Not my favorite thing to get in a subscription box However, it is a useful item for thing time of year.

ARROW- BOOST Colour Enhancing Lip Balm in Berry Busy

This is not the first time this lip enhancing balm has shown up in a box and I didn't use it then and I won't be using it now. This product, as cool as it may sound, just isn't for me.

Number 4 - Jour d'automne Smoothing Balm

According to the information page, this is good for restoring softness and protecting against humidity and heat damage. I am not happy with this item. My hair gets cranky if I change up the routine. So, sadly I won't be using this product.



Lord & Berry  Strobing Highlighter Pencil

This was promising until I swatched it. It is blendable, but the line you draw never goes away, the glitter just moves around. It's just turns into a white line with clear glitter everywhere. Other than maybe using it on the cupid's bow, it's a fairly pointless product.

Ella Eden - Compact Eyeshadow in Faith

This was this month's choose you item product so, I like the colour. It's not a brand I've heard of before, so I didn't know what to expect. My first thoughts are the packaging feels cheap. For a single eyeshadow retailing for £12.99 I'd expect more. On swatch it feels average. Not very buttery or super bendable. Just ok.


Whittard Of Chelsea - Tea Bags

The bonus item this month is 3 tea bags (lemon & ginger, mango and bergamot and earl grey) from Whittard of Chelsea. I don't like tea so this one is a miss as well.

This month's box was not my favorite. The only thing I really like is the box it all came in. But that's happens with these boxes. I'm sure next months will be better,

Did you get this month's box? And if so what did you like best? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Busy Brain

I’m having one those days were my brain is going 100 miles a minute and I’m struggling to keep up with it. I want to sit and write to clear my thoughts however, I took so long off you guys are out of the loop and I’m not sure it will make sense. But, let’s try anyways.

I’m currently on a much-needed holiday from work, and normally by now I’d relax and refreshed, and I am not. I am stuck in a job that is fantastic on paper, but is slowly killing my soul. And where I use to have hopes of it improving, that hope is dead. I feel it may be time to move on however, the benefits are just too good. There is no other company like it. I am stuck.

Also, my old of work husband has popped up out of the blue. Apparently, he’s relocating to my city. I was cool with the idea however he’s either a drama maker or a tease and I can’t work out which.

And last of all its my birthday tomorrow. 31 years old. This birthday is just me ticking closer to the end of the dream of getting married and having a child. That fucking biological clock just keeps marching on.

Anyways, I have things to do, like make ice so I can be drunk tomorrow. But I’ll fill you guys in as we go along.

Love Always, 

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Mother's Day

Hey Guys,

I know it’s been a while, and as much as I wanted to write something, and let you guys know what was happening. I just wasn’t ready to face it. And to be honest I am still not. However, the first step in dealing with hard things is accepting they’re real and moving out of denial and for me to that I need to write about it.

My mother is not well. Her kidneys are failing, and we’ve been told she not a candidate for transplant. At the moment her function is at 14% it was at 9% when she was first admitted in the hospital. However, since being home it has improved slightly and is at the moment is holding. She will be starting dialysis soon and then it’s a waiting game. We’ve been told someone people last years with low kidney function, other’s months. Nobody really knows what is going to happen and that’s the hard part.

As most of you know, I am an only child, for most of my life it was just me and mom. As nightmares go I can’t think of anything worse. I may be 30 years old, but I am just not ready to lose my mommy.

As I sit her writing this, it’s Mother’s Day and I think of how strong and selfless my mother is. How even now, despite the fact she’s clearly unwell, she’d never admit it. She’s still powering on and putting everyone else first. And all I can do is have a quiet cry, wondering if this is the last Mother’s Day we’ll have together.

Anyways, like I said it’s Mother’s Day so I need to go clean myself up. Put on a happy face and pretend I’m strong enough to deal with all of this.

I promise I’ll be back soon, now that all of this is out there hopefully it’ll be easier to write.

Love ya all

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Stressed For No Reason

Can someone explain to me why I feel so stressed and run down?

It’s not been a bad start to 2018; I started the year with a pay raise, I’ve finally been allowed to order my company car and I’ve only worked 5 sets of 4 so far this year, hell I only have 2 more sets before I’m off again. So, what the hell is up with me?

Ok, they are trying to screw with my contract which is a little stressful, but at least at the minute, they are not pushing it so that shouldn’t account for it. My mom has a surgery pending, but that’s still some ways off. I just don’t get why I’m feeling this way.

 I’m starting to wonder if operation be a less shitty human is the reason. I mean it takes a lot to not snap at idiots. And it takes even more to try to swallow the bullshit they feed you. And listen to them whine and moan. Being a nice human it way more work than one would think, and I suck at it and it’s still draining me.

Anyways, I am going to go and rest up before I head back to work to face another week. But before I go, I have this question for you; How do you keep your calm when dealing with assholes? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Unmotivated

I’m not sure why, but 2018 so far seems to be the year of being unmotivated. I just have no go, no drive, no want and clearly that’s a problem. That said It’s not that I’m being unproductive; my “to do” list gets done, I’m not failing anything, I’m just dragging my heels and leaving it all to the last minute and not doing things to my normal standards.

This blog is the prefect example. I am writing this at 6am on the day of my first night shift back. Why? I’ve just had 4 days off. I’ve not done anything major during those 4 days off so why am I now giving up sleep to do something I could and should have already done? What the hell is wrong with me?

I like to end these posts with answers, but I have none. This is one of those posts I write hoping by getting the thought out of my brain something will come to me and if it does I’ll let you know.  But I’ll pass the question on to you lovely people. What do you do to get motivated? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

“You Deserve To Be Single”

The other day I received a comment notification on a post I wrote close to 5 years ago. The post was about how I didn’t need a guy in my life to fill a gap, I didn’t need one to lean on or do things for me. A guy was a bonus not a necessity. A point I still stand by all these year later. This “bright spark” felt the need to reply to a blog half a decade old with “if that’s how you feel, you deserve to be single.”  

“You deserve to be single.” I’m not sure why the sentence is an insult. But, it’s  definitely meant as one. Unlucky for him, I don’t personally see it that way.  However, many do, and that troubles me.

Many people, some of them friends of mine, have made it their career to help others not be single. As if being single is the worst thing that could happen to you. And this mindset, is A. Making a lot of people money and B. non-conducive to a happy life. If you think being single is the end of the world, you’ll make it the end of the world. And that tends to lead to settling and that leads divorce where you're back in the “end of the world” scenario again.

I don’t understand any of this. If you haven’t found that special someone that adds to your life, you deserve to be single. You deserve not to waste your time on some loser, you deserve to be happy within yourself.  I don’t understand why being single is seen as death sentence… It’s kind of the opposite.

Anyways, that’s my thought on the matter. What do you think is “you deserve to be single” is an insult or not? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The  Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Why Do Men Think It Is Ok

This is going to be a fairly short post, mainly because I once again left writing it to the last minute and because I want to throw this out there and get your thoughts.

Why do men who are in committed relationships think its ok to tell other women they like them and or ask them out? On what planet does that end well for them?

Many saying come to mind; “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” “A zebra cannot change its stripes, ” “Lie with a dog, get up with fleas.” “What you associate with reflects on you.” All of which boils down to you’d have to be an idiot and think pretty lowly of yourself to reciprocate.

So why do they bother? It only lowers a person’s perception of them. Which means if they are ever single, they have no hope at all.

Anyways, I am going to throw this one out to you. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always, stay, and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Slow going

Any dream I had of 2018 finally being the year I get life organised is being quickly dashed. This is the second Friday of the year and the seconds Friday I’m writing and posting on the same day. But, I am writing so I guess it’s only a half fail; although I’m not writing the post I planned so maybe a 2/3 fail…. Is that a thing? I guess it is now.

Operation be a less shitty human is going fairly well. I worked with a less favorite colleague last night and I didn’t lose my temper or break a toe or anything. That said, I’m starting think road rage is completely involuntary. It’s as bad as ever and I’m not sure how to stop it without taking up murdering all the idiots on the road.

The plan to get healthy is….. a plan. Progress and changes are happening, however baby steps and until I have a little time off work, it’s going to have to be that way. Change takes time and effort and my work days are too long to really focus and build good habits.

Anyways, I’m going to go and probably get some more sleep. I’m struggling to keep eyes open. But before I go I have this question for you, how do you calm down your road rage? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xox

A New Year A New Me

A new year, a new me… or maybe not. I don’t really buy into the whole fresh start January BS because let be honest January 1st isn’t the ideal time to make giant life chances. Most people started the new year with a hungover, so productivity and exercise are not happening. Most people started the new year with large amounts of junk food still in their house from New Year’s Eve or Christmas so healthy eating isn’t going to happen either.  The whole new year, new you mentality is very flawed.

That said, self-improvement isn’t a bad thing as long as you’re not setting yourself up for failure. That is why I choose to hold off setting goals until life went back to normal after the holiday madness.

After some thought, I decided my main focus for the year would be on being a less shitty human being. I’ll be the first to admit over the last few years I have become almost mean. I have no patience, I have a very short fuse for most things and I have lost a lot of my ability to see the good in people. That needs to change, I’m not sure how, but I’m sure it’s doable.

I also plan on focusing on getting my weight under control, however, I’m not quite ready for that goal yet. That’ll be a gradual work in progress. When head is in the game. I need to work on my attitude first.

Anyway, it’s been nice talking to you strangers again. Hopefully I’ll be better at keeping my Friday schedule this year, but no promises. Before I go I have this question for you; What is your goal for 2018? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

Could It Be Done?

So, after last week’s post, I got chatting with the gay husband about the trip and I mention to him I had a bad feeling about the whole thing when I got up to Manchester. He commented I should have ditched her there and gone without her.   I said to him the only other people I know in that direction is my boss and Mr. X. This led to an interesting conservation on whether I could go away with Mr. X and keep things platonic or not.

I may be crazy for saying this, but I think it is doable. Our relationship was built more on friendship and talking than the physical so I can’t see it being that hard.

Yes, the hotel was 5 star, and something about it did scream romance, however the room had 2 single beds and was the whole weekend was planned in a way that there wasn’t a lot of down time therefore not a lot of temptation.  I honestly believe, it wouldn’t have been a problem.

The gay husband on the other hand, disagrees, however, thinks I should have done it anyways, but that’s because he has a theory that I won’t go into on this post because that craziness needs more words than I can give it here.

Anyways, what do you think? Could we have made it a whole weekend without crossing any lines? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Be Careful Who You Holiday With

Overall, my trip to London last week was wonderful; The hotel was stunning, the Book of Mormon was spectacular and Canada Day was a drunken street party and I couldn’t have asked for more. That said there was one little flaw with experience, and that was the person I went with.

I love my work wife to bits but, holy bananas we holiday differently. And that’s probably the best way to put it, we don’t holiday in the same way. And because of that I got cranky, and she’ll say without a doubt, she believes the issue was with me because I wasn’t going to start a fight and just bit my tongue, however cause and effect come to mind.

There were 3 main differences; how slept, how ate, and how we spent our free time…. Which is basically everything in the grand scheme of things.

Let start with how we slept; she is basically a toddler. She needs at least 1 nap, if not two a day and these last from 2 – 4 hours and if she doesn’t get them she becomes unbearable. I on the other hand, sleep at night… like an adult.

How we like to eat is up next. I like to explore when I’m somewhere new. Find hidden gems and try new food, eat things I can’t get at home. She on the other hand, likes fast food and sees no other options.

Last up, how we spend our free time; I like to spend as little time as possible in the room. I’m somewhere different I want to explore, shop and do things. She on the other hand is very content in the room and doesn't like to leave it. Being in the room drivers me crazy.

These are the 3 main issues; there were others, like she doesn’t tip and she comes across borderline rude when dealing with people… and the list goes on but those 3 bugged me the most.

I can hear you now asking how I had a good time, despite these little issues… I ditched her. After the shit show that was there first night; dragging her up from a nap and them dragging to a show she didn’t want to go to, but really enjoyed once I got her there. Then going to Macdonald’s for dinner…. I learned my lesson. My fun was up to me.

So, when she “needed” her nap on Canada Day I went back to the square alone. Made some new friends, met up with some old ones and partied like a Canadian and I had an awesome time doing so.

The trip back was a nightmare, but, that’s a story for another time. Anyways, I am back at work tomorrow, so I need to get my shit together. But before I go I have this question for you; what is your idea of the perfect holiday? Let me know if the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Is This It?

Despite the fact I enjoy being single and the easiness that comes with it. Over recent days, I’ve been starting to wonder; Is this it?

I’m 30 years old now; I always pictured myself getting married and having kids but, in realistic terms, time is running out and it’s not like there is anything on the horizon either. I’m starting to wonder if marriage and kids just aren’t on the cards for me.

With all these thoughts in my head, my brain drifts to those things you hear in passing, like everyone only gets two great loves in their lifetime. I’ve been aware for years if that’s true, I’m fucked. My two have long come and gone. And with that knowledge once and a while, I wondered to myself did I blow my chance?

If you’ve been here a while, my two great loves won’t be a surprise to you. Of course, you have Mr. X who I won’t go into, I have plenty of posts on this site that’ll explain that whole mess. Then you have Chicken Man, who has been on my mind a lot lately.

Chicken Man is unquestionably my other “great love”, that man completely shook me to my core and did nothing but change me for the better. Where Mr. X tore me down. Chicken Man built me up. He entered my life at just the right time and was exactly what I needed. However, due to him traveling for work and things like that, the relationship just faded out over time. However; when I think back on it, I can’t help but wonder what if?

Anyways; enough of that, I need to go and pack for my holiday. When you’re reading this, I will be on my way to London to celebrate Canada’s 150^th Birthday and I can’t wait. But, before I go, I have this question for you; Do you believe we only get two great loves? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay, and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Nothing To Write About

I’m sitting outside in what may be my perfect setting. The sun is shining, the flowers are in full bloom and it’s warm but not uncomfortable… at least not yet. The setting is perfect…yet I have nothing to write about.

I guess, given the past month, having nothing to write about is sort of a good thing. It's giving me a chance to catch my breath and both figuratively and literally stop and smell the flowers. I’m proactively unwinding this 4 off and for the first time in about a mouth I’m angry. And it’s nice.

All this is aided by the fact work was less horrid last week, and by the fact Mr. X appears to have gone AWOL. It’s almost as if the world has decided, “hey, let’s not suck so hard this week.” That said I am now being harassed by a bee so…. May they’re still some work to do.

Anyways, I am going to go and get some wine… because that’s how you get bees to leave you alone, right? But before I go, I have this question for you; What is your happy place? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo