Reading Comprehension Rant

People’s lack of reading comprehension is riding my last nerve like a drunk girl at frat party. The thing that pushed me to the edge was a post on Facebook that said “The first man to survive going over Niagara Falls later died by slipping on an orange peel.” Now that’s actually a true story, one of the many useless facts I know from growing up in the falls.

The thing that grated on my nerves was the amount of people that replied to that post with “the first person to go over the falls was a woman.” Also true, her name was Annie Edson Taylor, a 63 year old teacher. The legend being she went over the falls with her cat. A cat that entered the barrel black but existed the barrel white due to the fright (More useless falls facts for you)

The nerve grating part being the second fact does not change the first. The amount of people who don’t seem to understand that is ridiculous. Yes, Annie was the first person to go over the falls but that doesn’t change the fact that the first man to go over the falls died by slipping on an orange peel. I’ve never wanted to bitch slap so many people in my life. I just want to scream at them “the first MAN aka thing with a penis. First man, second person!” Holy fuckballs there is a lot stupid in the world; I can actually feel my IQ lowering.

Then I read a comment today and my last nerve broke. I understand my style of writing isn’t always straight forward; I use humour, satire...hell sometimes I just frankly lose my mind in writing form. But this person completely missed the point of the post, instead of taking in the post as a whole he (I’m guessing) picked random lines and then told me, I have no place on the Internet.

Instead of my post being about “relationship equality” being a stupid term because of the different definitions by the sexes which cause huge problems that are unneeded since relationships tend to balance out anyways. It became about women getting free meals.

He then said and I quote “This is a very stupid, sexist and retarded blog”. Well, sir you are a stupid retarded person who clearly lacks basic reading comprehension skills. But thank you for being yourself (and by yourself I mean a huge douche bag) because I can always use blog material.

On the bright side I think at this point I can safely add “extensive experience dealing with stupid people” to my resume, in this day and age that has to be a desirable skill.

So tell me, what was the last thing that made you feel like your IQ was lowering? And what name should we give this latest anonymous commenter? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

“I Swear On My Vibrator”

We all have our idiotisms, my friend Jeff has “does that come with beer?” Kelly has “I'm not drunk the ground’s lonely.” Shell has “I think there’s a monkey in his pants.”  And I have “I swear on my vibrator”.

Despite the fact they’re all not normal things to say, it’s only mine that sparks conversation...and if you ask me mine’s the only one that actually makes sense.

I mean hugs, visiting the hospital or walking a friend home clearly don’t come with beer so Jeff is crazy.

Even if the ground is lonely I doubt falling on it and then hugging it would solve millions of years of loneliness so Kelly is nuts.

And I’m sure that grumpy guy or the guy hitting on girls at the bar isn’t hiding a monkey in his pants. I mean surely it’d crawl out the leg or something so Shell is bananas.

A single girl with no current fuck-friends swearing on her vibrator, to me at least, that makes perfect sense.

Let’s think about this, the idea is when you swear on something or someone you’re putting it out there for the universe to destroy if what you’re saying is a lie.

So bearing that in mind having a non-religious person swear on the Bible or to God is kind of pointless. And when someone swears on another human being you always run the risk that they never really liked that person in the first place. I mean I have a few exes (and a cousin) I wouldn’t mind the universe destroying.

So the best way to ensure a truthful statement has to be having the person swear on something they love and or need.

Which brings me back to the vibrator; think about it for a second, what single fuck-friendless girl is going to risk the universe destroying her vibrator? See, told you it wasn’t crazy.

So what idiotisms do you and your friends have and would you risk the universe destroying your vibrator? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Hot Mess Easter

So the holiday the tradition lives on, this holiday I’ve been gifted bronchitis. I swear my body knows when I have down times and choices that time to not even try to fight off germs. Its like “you have time off so why not get sick? It’s a lot less work then trying to fight it off.” .......Stupid smart ass body.

So now on to what I actually want to talk about; songs that sum up relationships. Those songs the teleport you back in time to all those thoughts and memories of a past relationship. I don’t mean “your song” the one you first danced to or any of that. I mean one you listen to after the fact and just seem to sum it all up.

I’ve been listening to Hedley “Hot Mess” a lot lately and that’s the song that in my head sums of the whole Mr. X mess up. It might seem a little odd at first, mainly because you don’t tend to call men hot messes but minus the “disaster in a dress” thing (he’s more a disaster in a suit) the song sums it all up. Right down to the reason it went on for so fucking long and sadly the reason it could happen again I was addicted to the madness. When you’re a blogger madness is good for business, horrible for makeup though.

Chicken Man on the other hand is Bruno Mars “Marry You” that whole relationship was such an easy, fun and care free thing. I could easily see us in the middle of the night deciding we were bored so what the hell? “We’re looking for something dumb to do” is probably how our relationship started J

So what songs sum up your past relationships? Let me know in the comment below and well you’re at it tell me what home remedies you have for bronchitis? I hope you all have a fantastic Easter and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

50/50

I’ve come to the conclusion men are illogical, because the qualities about me you’d think would be a big plus to men; apparently scares them.

I wouldn’t class myself as a tom-boy. I like a lot of girly things like the colour pink, chick flicks and I love my cocktails. I also wouldn’t class myself as a girly girl either because I hate shopping, I don’t do high heels and I haven’t worn a dress in.....all the time I’ve been in the UK come to think of it.

I’m what I’d class as 50/50. Growing up all my mom’s friends had boys so I’d watch wrestling, play video games and roughhouse with them. At home it was just me and my mom so we’d watch figure skating, gymnastic, do arts and crafts and I’d play Barbie’s. It’s what I’d call a well rounded childhood, and that balance continued into my adult life. 

I’m a huge hockey fan, I love to watch pretty much any violent sport you can think of, I can lose days playing video games but on the flip-side of that I love to watch gymnastics and figure skating, I enjoy going to the theatre and I can’t get enough trash TV. You’d think the last part would be the deal breaker but apparently not.

Apparently it’s “scary” when a girl can kick ass at COD, or can spend an evening drinking a beer watching and talking UFC with her friends. I always thought shared interests were suppose to be a plus not a negative.

I know when Chicken Man use to talk art or theatre with me it was awesome not scary. He was ridiculously knowledgeable, he put my knowledge to shame and I didn’t find that at all intimidating. So why on earth do men find my sports stat knowledge and video game playing ability scary?

I’m struggling to find the logic in the male mind. When a guy says a girl is “hot and knows her shit” and follows it up with “and that’s why I could never date her.” My head can’t compute that level of crazy.

Here’s what my friend Paul said when he tried to explain it to me; “No guy likes to lose a “who has the biggest cock contest” to a girl. You and your scary guy knowledge beats them hands down making them feel like they have a toddler’s ding-a-ling”. To that I say WTF????

Maybe this why some women choice to play dumb; it’s easier to stroke a man’s ego and have him explain things you already know, followed by the mandatory “oh, you’re so smart” then to sit there and debate whether or not that was goalie inference or not.

What do you guys think? And because that was vague should women play dumb in certain areas? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Derogatory?

Someone left me a comment criticizing my choice in pseudonym; saying it was a very derogatory term. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the comment but it did make me wonder if others thought that way too.

I personally don’t think bitch is a derogatory term. I understand the dictionary doesn’t agree with me but the English language is always evolving and it takes time for the dictionary to catch up with reality.  There are new words added and definitions changed every year. Take “tweet” for example up until the end of 2011 according to the dictionary it was the chirp of a small bird; not a 140 characters of TMI.

I think bitch is kind of like that too, the dictionary has it as one thing but when you look at how it’s used in the real world it means something completely different. It’s not spiteful, lewd, difficult and overbearing women that are called bitches. It’s strong, independent women, who stand up for what they believe in and don’t back down that are called it.

I did a quick Google search to see what famous women have been branded as bitches, the list includes Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Julia Roberts, Judy Sheindlin (aka Judge Judy), Martha Stewart, Barbara Walters and Oprah.  If these women are bitches count me in.

Interesting side note almost all the women listed above are also listed as the most powerful women in Hollywood. Now that’s some food for thought.

When the word bitch is so often linked to such successful women it becomes a non-insult. Who wouldn’t want to share characteristics with these women? When some says “You’re a BITCH!” my reply is always “and?” I figure if women like Barbara Walters and Oprah are bitches it’s not a bad thing. Hell it’s probably a good thing.

But that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think, is bitch a derogatory term or a title that should be worn proudly? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest BITCH!!

xoxo

1-800 DICK WAD

Does horniness affect the male IQ or are men just born idiots?

Last night I received a text message from a guy I “dated” (and I use that term very loosely; we hung out a few times and slept together once) 4 years ago. The text read “miss you sexy x x x x” Now you don’t need to be a genius to know where he’s going with that message. So I replied back with “Really???” anybody who knows me can feel the sarcasm dripping off that message, but apparently he didn’t feel it because his reply was “mmmm so much x x”.

At that point my ability to play nice broke and I snapped back with “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 1-800 NUMBER???? I’m not here to service you dick wad!” I really wish I had thought of something better then dick wad but sadly in the heat of the moment I didn’t. I then shot off a message saying “Since you seem to be having trouble understanding English tonight, let me make this easy for you. I wouldn’t fuck you for all the Mojitos in Cuba.” Now that’s saying something we all know how fond I am of a Mojito.

I just don’t understand why guys pull this shit, surely using their hand or investing in a fleshlight is a whole lot easier. So I guess that’s my question to you, why do guys waste their time trying to get laid when there is a quicker and easier solution to the problem? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and of course play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Fake Mother's Day

It’s time once again for me to start my yearly endeavour to find a Mother’s Day card that spells mom right. There will be no spelling it “mum” or “mummy” on my watch. In case you’re wondering why I’m talking about this in March, that’s because the UK seems to think Mother’s Day is a March holiday despite most of the world knowing otherwise.

Since moving to the UK I’ve called this March holiday “Fake Mother’s Day”. I don’t really celebrate it as Mother’s Day, I do give my mom a card and something small because I feel bad that her friends get gifts and she doesn’t but I save her real gift and nice card until Mother’s Day (the real one).

I did a little research on this (stop laughing I do actual research these blogs... sometimes) and it turns out I’m kind of right on the whole Mother’s Day thing.

What the UK calls “Mother’s Day” is actually something called “Mothering Sunday” which is a Christian holiday celebrated on the 4^th Sunday of lent. Only the UK, Ireland and Nigeria celebrate “Mother’s Day” on that day. 

The day most of us know as Mother’s Day (the 2^nd Sunday in May) turns out to be an American invention that only became a holiday in 1914 and has no religious ties at all. It’s just a day to honour mothers and motherhood. So there is your educational fact for the day.

Anyways I’m off to find a sharpie so I can change a “u” to an “o”. Have a fantastic weekend and tell me in the comments below why do they spell it with a “u” anyways? Isn’t it short for mother, where does the “u” come from?  As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch