The Case Of The Valentine's Day Flowers

Something strange happened today......I received flowers.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t strange at all; I mean it is Valentine’s Day after all. But the strange part is I’m not dating or even seeing anybody right now and I don’t even know who sent the flowers, the only thing the card said was “I miss you”.

I’m sure whoever sent the flowers is expecting me to call and say thank you or at the very least no who “I miss you” is. But here’s a little not so secret about me, I’ve dated a lot of guys and I have no clue whatsoever who “I miss you” is.

The only hints I have are he sent tulips, which is my favourite flower, so he must know me fairly well and he clearly knows my home address. That’s not a lot to go on. I was going to post a message on Facebook to thank whoever sent them but then I’ll get everyone saying it was them and I’ll still be none the wiser.

I can safely rule out Mr. X because he’d burst into flames if he did anything nice for anyone but himself, plus I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my actual address.

And I can rule out Chicken Man, when he sends me things he always leaves a little hint so I know it’s from him. That’s kind of his trademark.

I think I can also rule out anyone who reads my blog. I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about how Valentine’s Day doesn’t tickle my peach. I'm sure if they read that they’d be sending me pizza and beer not flowers.

With all that said I’m still clueless to whom “I miss you” is, but as much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I really do enjoy a good mystery so I’m going to have fun trying to work this out, until I need to get a restraining order that is.

So how are you spending your Valentine’s Day? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,                 
                                                  

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

I Can’t Believe It

I got some exciting news from my childhood best friend last night. She’s having a baby! I’m so excited for her she’s going to be a kick ass mom.

This is the first one of my friends to get pregnant who I’m genuinely happy for. Most of the other’s have been either in their teens or had no job or lived at home or knew their boyfriend for such a short period of time. You just can’t be happy for them when you know they’re screwing up their life.

That isn’t the case here, my best friend has her life together; she’s a teacher, her and her boyfriend have been together 7 years and they’ve been living together 2 so under Ontario law they’re pretty much married (common law).

She’s a smart girl, she has her i’s dotted and t’s crossed. That’s part of the reason we’ve been friends so long. I’ve know her since kindergarten, we became instant best friends on a field-trip and have been close ever since.

I can’t believe she's having a baby, I feel so old. She was always one of the youngest in the class with an October birthday and I was always one of the oldest with a May birthday. It’s only 5 months but when you’re young that feels like forever, and I still feel like she’s a little sister.

I can’t help but think back to us as kids playing house, even back then in make-believe land she was an awesome mom and I bet in reality she’ll be an even better one. I’m so excited for her.

Time for my question of the blog, my friend has a boy named picked out already but she’s has no idea for girls names so help her out and leave your suggestions in the comment box below. And as always stay and play (unless you want a baby) safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Wisdom Tooth Tourette's

I’m starting to think they’re called wisdom teeth because if you have any wisdom at all you get them removed before the little bastard’s turn your mouth into a living hell of pain and torture.

Despite being one of the few people who actually have room for their wisdom teeth to come in, mine decided they were going to be dicks. The latest tooth to cause me hell decided it was going to come in at a stupid angle. So not only is it causing my gums pain it’s chewing up my cheek at the same time turning me into a super bitch. For me pain does one of two things; makes me cry or makes me angry, this tooth has done the latter. It’s also given me what I call “wisdom tooth Tourette's”.

I’ll be talking normally then I’ll move my jaw in a way that causes my tooth to be a dick and mid-sentence I’ll start swearing saying something like “you dick, you fucking dick.” I have no ability to control this, it’s like my brain is too busy plotting to bite the dentist that it has no time to stop the onslaught of four letter words flying out of my mouth.

Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow to see and possible bite my dentist (he did an X-rays like two months ago you think he could have warned me this was coming). Hopefully he can sort this out. I really don’t want to get it pulled; the image of last time still haunts me. Sitting in the dentist chair for over an hour while the dental nurse holds my head and the dentist pulled at the tooth. I still have nightmares but this is a different dentist so fingers crossed it goes better.

Anyways I’m going to go and swear; before you say anything the MythBusters proved swearing helps to deal with pain so :-P Let me know how you deal with pain in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Honest Bitch Uses Four Lettered Words

On what fucking planet is this an acceptable message to send to someone? “Hi sexy lady u need cock yet”

I kid you not I received this message from a guy who is almost 30 years old. He has two fucking kids. How is this acceptable from someone who is meant to be a grown ass man? 

I don’t even have a blog based around this message, I’m too fucked off. I just want this out there so the next time someone asks why I’m such a bitch, the answer is clear. I’m a bitch because men made me this fucking way.

Would it kill people to use their fucking brain once in awhile? I mean what did he think I’d say? “Come over now, I want your cock”? Dream on buddy, I have standards and self respect. What a fucking slimy creep.

Anyways since I’ve told you what turns me into a bitch, what turns you into one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and murder asshole men safely.

-The Honest Bitch 

Guys around the Globe

Buy Here

I’m currently reading “Guys around the Globe” by Chloe G. Wilde, I’m about half way through and so far I love it. As the title would lead you to believe it’s about her experiences with men around the world, some of which are frankly hilarious. It’s a very entertaining read and makes me feel a whole lot better knowing I’m not the only one who ends up in these weird situations. The book is definitely worth a read, I’ll include a link so you can check it out.

My only problem with the book is it pokes a massive hole in my theory that English guys are my problem. She’s having some of the same problems I’m having and her guys are from Germany, France, Italy, Africa and everywhere in-between (That’s sounds bad but you know what I mean).  

I’ve always said my issue with people on this side of the ocean is they don’t get me, guys in particularly. We’re just two different beasts that shouldn't mix and that’s why there was a giant ocean separating us in the first place.

I figured the answer to all my dating BS and nightmares was to find a Canadian guy. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe guys everywhere are assholes and my low bullshit tolerance is the problem.

What do you guys think, are guys everywhere the same or is there a difference? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Backup Plan

“If we’re both single by the time we’re 40 we’ll get married.” 

We’ve all made these pacts, the age varies but fundamentally they’re the same. If you are both single at your predetermined pathetic age, screw the idea of true love, you have a backup plan.

We’ve all made these pacts, and they’re normally done with two types of people.

Type 1: Someone you have a spark with but for whatever reason a relationship just didn’t/couldn’t happen.

Or

Type 2: A friend who you love dearly, but could never imagine doing anything sexual with in a million years.

My pact was with a “type 2” guy I’m going to call Alex. We had a deal that if we got to 40 and were both single we’d marry each other. Alex was the perfect backup plan guy. Not overly good looking (but not ugly), not great with the ladies but a total sweetheart. As bad as it sounds I kind of thought he’d be single forever. Boy was I wrong. Alex got married almost 5 years ago. So much for my backup plan eh?

Thursday night I received a message from one of my ghosts, I’m going to call this one Logan. Logan and I go way back, B.S back (Before Sex). We never actually dated but we did sleep together.... a lot. I guess you could call him my first fuck friend.

Anyways back to the message; one of the first things Logan said to me was “I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, do you remember our deal?” I don’t remember what I had for dinner last night, so how does anyone expect me to remember a deal I made years ago. To give me a hint he then said “when we turn 30?” At which point a drunken flash back hit me. Oh that deal. Apparently my backup had a backup.

First of all, since when do men actually listen? I don’t even remember that conversation, so how the hell does he. I mean I always thought cleavage power overrides the male memory.

And second of all, Logan now has the record for being the scariest ghost ever. Most ghosts pop up for sex, this........well this is new.

As for why I don’t remember the deal, well Logan is a “type 1” and I think he may have banged the memory out of my head. That happens, right?

Now don’t worry I’m not about to marry anyone let own Logan. I would like to think I’ve come a long way since my banging Logan days. And I’m not about to regress that far.

However the thought hunts me. I mean, what if he by some screwed up act of a vengeful god was the one? I would have wasted the past 10 years of my life. 10 years! That’s like my worst nightmare ever.

Does anyone actually marry their back up plan? Do people do that? I have to ask, do you have a back-up plan? And if so if it came down to it would you marry them? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Ghosts

Someone sent me a question asking why I call my exes ghosts and since my brain is taking an unplanned holiday (too many late nights not enough sleep) I thought I’d answer it here.

First things first, I call both exes and guys I slept once upon a time ghosts. And the reason is very simple, like ghosts you never expect to see these people. I’m not sure why but when you breakup with someone or stop sleeping with them your brain assumes they fell of the face of the planet or died or something. You just don’t expect to see these people ever again.

So when you do bump into these people or they send you a message out of the blue you get a “I'm screwed” feeling in your gut the same feeling I imagine you’d get if you run into an actual ghost.

Maybe I’m just crazy, am I the only one who gets that ghost like feeling when you hear from or see an ex? Or are there some of you out there that actually enjoy seeing your exes? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo