'Tis the Season to Laugh at Couples

Some people get very sad and lonely around the holidays; I’m not one of them. I love being single and anyone who has taken a look at my dating history can fully understand why. But besides dating a whole lot of guy I’d really like to run over with a bus the other reason I love being single especially at the holidays is couples are ridiculous this time of years.

First you have the present stress, you never want to spend less or put less thought into your partner’s gift then they put into yours. This makes people go crazy and I find it hilarious. There are a few couples in my circle of friends; they’re going crazy over this. I happen to have gone Christmas shopping with one of the guys and his girlfriend is dying to find out what he got her. Since I’m a bad person every time she asks me I tell her it could be a coal or it could be a diamond or maybe it’s a pony. I find it hilarious to screw with her....she on the other hand, does not.

Then you have the stupid holiday photos. You either wear ugly sweaters or stupid hats or both and stand in front of tree and smile like you’re not wearing stupid clothing. You couples can enjoy that, I’m going to sit here in my non stupid clothing and laugh at your ridiculous photos that will live forever on the Internet.

Then you have the joy of going to your partners work’s Christmas party. I don’t know about you but I never want to go to my own works Christmas party let alone my boyfriends. So if you ask me, that is reason enough to stay single at the holidays.

The other thing that makes couples ridiculous at the holidays is all the fighting. Christmas a booze heavy time of year and with all that booze comes all those booze fuelled fights. And because I’m a little bit twisted I find it highly amusing. “Your penis is small”, “You’re a whore” “You can go fuck, that fucking thing.”.....”I’m sorry, I love you.” Who needs to TV when you can watch drunken couples, I can’t help but laugh.

I have to ask, what is the upside to being in a relationship this holiday season because to be honest I think of any and if you’re single like me, what do you enjoy about being single during the holiday season? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Butterflies

Most women want what they can’t have, so when I found out a few months ago Mr. X was in a relationship, my friends were worried the grip he had on me would tighten.

I’m not most women.

The thing that made Mr. X so alluring was that he was something attainable I couldn’t attain. The best way I can describe is it was like we were in the same book, on same chapter, on same page but different paragraphs; so close you could almost touch but never quite close enough.

The whole thing played off the fact I am the world’s most stubborn person. Yes, there was a sexually spark there too which didn’t help but the main issue was my stubbornness. There were days were I looked at him and if he were any other guy, I wouldn’t have given him a second look, drunk in a bar at closing time. It was purely my stubbornness that kept me interested. 

Admittedly there were other days were I wanted to rip his clothes off and do unspeakable things to him but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

So when I found out he was in a relationship besides being shocked that he was capable of human emotion, I was actually relieved.

He went from something attainable I just couldn’t attain, to something unattainable that I couldn’t attain so there was no point in trying. I was oddly at peace with everything.

I’m still oddly at peace and my friends think I’ve lost my mind. They don’t understand how I can still speak with this man who once drove me crazy and had all this power over me and now he’s just like all my other guy friends, nothing special.

I put it like this, when he went for attainable to unattainable the book closed, when the book closed it killed all the butterflies that were inside it and without the butterflies....you have nothing.

Does any of that make sense at all? Or are my friend right to think I’ve lost my mind? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Troll Bitch Slap

I wrote a blog in July called “What Women Want”; this blog was not written as a guide to a happy, healthy relationship, hell it wasn’t even written with the intent that men would do everything on this list. It was written so men could pick one or two to try and stay in our good books since what we actually want is forever changing.

This week some troll, who clearly has women issues thought he would comment on my blog and now I’m going to put that little fucker in his place.

“What a crock of shit. This entire blog reeks of spoiled princess syndrome, what self-entitled bitch expects the man to do all this? Why should I? For your body? If I want just a body, I can pay for it, and probably get far better than what you're offering”

Let me start by saying I pity the dumb airhead that ends up with you. Also you don’t need to worry about anything on the list because any woman with half a brain would spray you with pepper spray before letting you get anywhere near their body.

“Be Generous - Why the fuck should I spend my hard earned cash for you? You know the idea of seeing someone is because you LIKE/LOVE them as a person. Not what they can provide for you. How about you get rid of spoiled princess syndrome? A man shouldn't need to buy your ass gifts to keep your slutty head focused on him.”

In the blog I do say be generous, nobody likes a tightwad however if you could read you’d know I also said it doesn't have to be anything big it’s the thought that counts. I also suggest picking her flowers. Being generous doesn’t mean spending money; you can also be generous with your time or your compliments. However in your case I’m pretty sure nobody wants any of your fucking time.

“Be Honest - A rule that a lot of women should follow instead of leading men on. Men are probably more inclined to be direct with a woman than a woman is to men. Ever had some bitch ignore you're phone calls or texts hoping you'll take the hint? That's because they don't have the balls to upright tell you. More women do this than me.”

Did your mommy not love you? Is that where all the hate comes from or are you naturally just a whiny cry baby who clearly needs a glass of man the fuck up? Have you ever considered that your attitude may be making these women have a “don’t call me I’ll call you” attitude. If it doesn’t change there will be millions more doing it to you..Guaranteed!

“Have Eyes For Only Her - I think most men will follow this rule once most females get rid of their fucking cling-on male guys that are "just friends" to boost your ego, you attention whore. We know exactly what you bitches are doing, we're not stupid. A mature person with high-confidence shouldn't NEED validation that they're good looking or a great person by having orbiters, it should come from THEMSELVES.”

Really, you’re not stupid that’s the argument you’re going for? Have you read what you’ve been writing, because you sound pretty damn stupid to me. Women and men can be just friends without their being any “ego boosting” a fact you’d know if you actually had any friends or if anyone wanted to be around you.  Aside from that what does men who window shop for other ladies while with a women have to do with “just friends”?

“Never Follow a Women - Nothing gets more annoying than some passive woman that refuses to take lead and expects to be spoonfed everything everywhere. You're an adult. Not a child. Why would I want a woman where I have to do all the decision making like I'm her father, instead of one that's a mature adult who contributes just as much as I do? MASSIVE turn off. I don't want to date a fucking child. I want to date an adult.”

You’re adult not child so start using your brain like one. What you’re saying about passive women was the exact same point I was making about passive men you dipshit!

“Staying on power - Stop with your petty games. Relationships shouldn't be about control. If you're a mature enough person, they should be about commitment, understanding and working together. Not power plays. Power plays is for people that have no fucking clue what a proper relationship is.”

You mean keep the power, a point I made about men not being lap dog, it had nothing to do with games and everything to do with men being men and not whiny little babies like you’re doing now.

If you took a second to read my blog you’d know nobody here is weak or child-like, all my readers and myself are strong women. And Strong women need strong men. Men who can handle us being us and as you so kindly pointed out most men can’t, they turn into sniffling little baby around women who know what they want.

If you have a problem with any of that get the fuck off my site and go find somewhere weak minded little men are welcome.

-The Honest Bitch

Christmas Lunch Hell

Later this week I’m going to a Christmas lunch with my step dad’s mom and my mom which isn’t my idea of a good time but it’s not the end of the world. Then today it was sprung on me that my step dad (who isn’t going to the lunch) invited his brother and wife to join us. I’m not impressed.

I’m dreading the “isn’t it about time you get married and start having kids?” conversation. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were asking because I’m in a long term relationship but that’s not why they’re asking. They’re asking because they’re kids who are both younger than me are married and their eldest who is 23 has two children.

They always say it like what their kids have done is such an accomplishment. Since when is getting knocked up at 18 by mistake, then a year later being pursued into marring your baby daddy and then a couple years later having another unplanned baby while being financially unstable and working a low paying job, an accomplishment?

Personally I think the real accomplishment is being 25 and not popping out kids I can’t afford but that’s just me and well.......logic.

“But don’t you want to get married?” They make it sounds like I’m a freaking old maid. I’m 25 not a 125. Just because their kids got married at a young age to people they weren’t dating all that long doesn’t make it right.

I’ll get married when I’m good and ready...maybe.

“You’re so good with kids, you should have some.” Once again I’m 25!!! My biological clock isn’t ticking yet. I have a good 15 childbearing years left; I have plenty of time before I need to start worrying about this stuff.

Not to mention the fact I need a guy and his sperm before I can even start to think about that stuff. Marriage, mortgage, kids in that order is the plan. But before any of that can happen I have to find a guy I don’t want to murder. (And I will personally punch anyone in the face who even suggests Mr. X but that’s a rant for another day).

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to push me into get married off. I’m happy just being me and taking my time, the only thing making me unhappy is people trying to tell me what to do with MY life. Last time I check choosing not to be a statistic is a good thing. You’d never fucking know that in that family.

So what do you dread most about spending time with your extended family? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Friend of a Friend

I’m not sure there are many things more creepy then a friend of a friend randomly adding you on Facebook.

Here’s the story that gets repeated time and time again, you comment on a “friend’s” (normally someone you have seen in 10 years) status and a few minutes later a friend request pops up.

When you look at the request it says you have one person in common, the “friend” you haven’t seen in 10 years. You decide to accept the request because you figure if the guy hasn’t murdered your “friend” yet he must be harmless.

Fast forward 10 minutes and that so called harmless guy is sending you picture of his penis at which point you realize the reason you no longer hang out with the person you haven’t seen in 10 years is because they’re a rubbish judge of character. 

The male brain hurts my head, they randomly add a women and the first thing they send is “I hope you don’t mind me adding you.” What would make you think we’d mind a strange man we’ve never heard of sending us unsolicited message? Could it be all the “stranger danger” talks we had as kids!?

Here’s a note for all the men of the world (or just the 2 that actually read my blog), all women mind when you randomly add them...Unless you happen to be Ryan Gosling, he can add whoever he likes. What you should do is ask the person you have in common to ask the women if she minds you Facebook stalking her. That’s just the polite/ less creepy thing to do. But of course that’s not what you do because that would involve your brain and not you penis.

So what do you guys think, is it creepy when a friend of a friend randomly adds you or like normal am I crazy? Let me know what you think in the comment box below.  And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

The Attack of the Snowman

You’ve heard of gag gifts well around Christmas our whole living room basically becomes a running gag. It all started off innocently enough and then over the years it’s became an ever growing monster of hilarity.

The monster in question is snowmen.....lots and lots of snowmen.

I’m not quite sure how it happened but over the years my mom has ended up with a large number of snowmen Christmas decorations. She wasn’t looking for snowmen they were just adorable so she bought them and over time the adorableness has added up.

A few years ago after an evening at the pub my step dad came home and randomly started counting all the snowmen, each time he counted he came up with a different number and suggested we we’re adding more as he was counting. We weren’t but we liked the idea so much we stole it.

So next time my mom went shopping she picked up a couple more snowmen. And then the next time my step dad counted the number (which is never the same) went up. He pointed to the new snowmen and asked about them. We told him they were always there. And he gave us a look and said “no more snowmen.”

We took that as a challenge.

So over the years we continued to add more and more snowmen and then play dumb about where they came from. And every time my step dad counts the number grows and grows and my mom and I sit there trying not to laugh when he says “47 snowmen!! How are they 47 snowmen? Where are they coming from?”

This year I thought I’d change things up a bit, the decorations are all well and good but what I think would be really fun is snowmen themed Christmas gifts. My step dad is a pain in the ass to buy for anyways so I figured I may as well have a little fun with it.

So far I picked up an ugly snowmen sweater, a tie, a melting snowmen, a USB drum playing snowmen and the funniest thing of all a snowmen shaped USB drive. The USB drive is funny because normally January 1^st the snowmen army get’s put away for another year but this little drive with be there all year long to remind him of the every growing snowmen army in the attic that is ready to be unleashed at moments notice.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to seeing his face when he opens these gifts marked “From: Frosty the Snowman”. It should be a pretty funny morning.

So are there any other snowmen themed gifts you can think of and what running jokes do you have in your family, let me know in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Convincingly Fake An Orgasm

I love getting all your questions on Facebook, Twitter and by email I love the conversation we have and finding out what you guys want to read about. However once in a while I get asked a question that I don’t feel fully qualified to answer.

I received one of those questions last week. A female reader asked me “how do you convincingly fake an orgasm?". 

I want to start by saying I am by no means a professional sexpert. It’s a title I’d love to have one day but I’m not. But like most women I have a little experience in the faking realm and over the years I’ve learned a few tips that might help.

1. Keep your eyes closed – You can fake many things in bed but you can’t hide that “is it over yet?” look in your eyes.....Trust me on that.

2. Don’t over act – You are not in porno, keep your moaning and “oh gods” to applicable moments and don’t overdo it. Instead of focusing on moaning focus on your breathing patterns, inhale a few times, and followed it by a long staggered exhale. (Something I actually first learned in an acting class.)

3. Use your muscles – Arch your back, tense up and grab something (his hair, a pillow, or the sheets), curl your toes, and while you’re at it put those kegel exercises to good use. Men think women can’t fake the spasm of those muscles....They’re wrong.

I hope those few tips I’ve learned over the years help, but I’m going to say it again I’m not a sexpert so I’m going to ask you, my lovely readers to help this women out and leave her some tips in the comment box below and if you’re guy (apparently I do have some male readers) let us know what gives it away when a women is faking.

This has actually been a lot of fun to write as always I’m happy to try and help the best I can. So until next time my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo