Relationship Zombies

I use to call the men from my past that periodically pop up without notice “ghosts of relationships past”, but after some thinking and some drinking I decided the proper term for these men are “relationship zombies”. Let me explain.

First of all I really like the mental image of instead of batting these men away like human whack-a-moles I get to blow their zombie heads off with a .44. (Like I said I was drinking when I came up with this theory.)

Second, it would explain why these men pop up in the first place. I go out of my way to burn bridges and hurt feelings when I break up with someone, it’s kind of my insurance policy against them popping up in the future. But it never seems to work. Why you ask? Because they’re zombies and everyone knows zombies don’t have feelings.

Everyone always warns you to be careful who you date and I always thought that was because you might find yourself dating a rapist or a murderer but no, I was wrong. They tell you to be careful because those failed relationship turn into flesh eating (or at least flesh sucking) zombies that can pop up at any time without notice.

Where the hell was that PSA growing up? “Kids make good choices or zombies are going to stalk you for the rest of your life.” Would have been useful to know!

Or at least would have given me a chance to stalk up on zombie survival gear. TV fails me again.

Anyways how would you characterize your past relationships? And what do you think I was drinking when I came up with this one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay away from zombies.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

What Women Want

There’s one question I get asked time and time again, be it through email, twitter or even in person and that question is “what do women want?” And truth be told we don’t really know what we want a lot of time. And when we do know, it changes based on our mood, hormone levels and who’s asking.

It really isn't a straight forward type question, but there are few things I can tell you that will help you stay in our good books while we’re busy deciding what it is we want.

Remember Random Milestones- It’s a good rule of the thumb to know our birthday and anniversary but trying remembering some of the small things too like our first kiss or the first time we said I love you. As stupid as it sounds women just melt over that stuff.

Return Our Messages- Women gauge how into us you are by your replies or lack thereof. Once again we know it’s crazy but that’s how the female brain works, so reply to us and “k” or “ok” doesn’t count.

Women Love Intelligent Men- And your world of knowledge about sports doesn’t count. We like to have meaningful conversations and decisions. If you can’t hold your own in a conversation you’re screwed and not in the fun way.

Be Honest- If you lie to us we will find out and make your life a living hell, we specialize in that shit. So save yourself a few headaches and just be honest with us.

Have a Sense Of Humor- A great sense of humour is important to all women, you can win a girl over by making her laugh and you can lose one by failure to do so.

Listen To Her- This one is really important. Actually listen to her don’t just pretend actually do it. You don’t have to offer advice or try and fix everything just listen.

Be Generous- Gifts are never frowned upon, it doesn’t have to be big just thoughtful, pick some flowers, teddy bear, surprise her with dinner or dancing. Put some effort in and don’t be tight wad, tight wads never get laid.

Keep Promises- No matter what happens, keep your promises, if there is a chance you may not be able to come through with something don’t promise us. You’re only as good as your word.

Kiss Her for No Reason- Before/during/after sex doesn’t count. Kiss her when you come in a room, kiss her while she’s cooking dinner. Kiss her when you’re not trying to get laid!

Hold Her Hand – There is something very sweet about walking hand in hand with someone you love or just holding hands under the table while you’re out to dinner with friends. It goes a long way to show how you feel.

Take up an Activity with her- .......Outside of the bedroom. Bowling, tennis, antiquing, anything the two of you can do together. And preferably something neither of you do already.

Be A Man- Do man things, change a tire, build something, do something that requires testosterone. There is nothing hotter than a man with a little dirty on his face, a little on sweaty side just grrrrr (said in the I’m going to rip your clothes off way not the I’m going to kill you way.)

Never Follow a Women- There is nothing less hot then a man following a woman. And more importantly a lot of women don’t want to lead. There is something very attractive about a man talking control.

Keep the Power- A lot of guy will give the power to the women in an attempt to gain approval. Stop it! Man the fuck up. Keep the power and use it. Power is sexy, remember that.

Don’t Need A Women- Staying on the power is sexy theme. Needy men, men who need relationships, men who lack a pair of balls are just sad. Most women will pity you not love you.

Protect Us – This doesn’t mean fight our fights or hit a guy in a bar, this mean make us feel safe. Put your arm around us when creeps are hitting on us, get up in the middle of the night when we hear a noise. Make us feel safe and protected.

Look After Us When We’re Sick – This one will get you massive bonus marks. There is nothing sweeter than a guy taking care of his sick girlfriend and NOT complaining about it. Making soup, just cuddling it means the world to us.

Time for the last and final rule that will help keep you in our good books.

Have Eyes For Only Her- Guys tend to suck at this final rule. I’ve been on dates where guys have gotten whip lash from how fast their head has spun following a girl with big fake boobs. Then they always complain about foot pain afterwards. It may have something to do with me stomping on it but I can’t be sure.

Just don’t do it! Have eyes for your girlfriend or date and her alone. Make her feel like she is the only girl who matters. If you can do that it’s a safe bet that you’ll be what she wants.

What do you guys think, do you agree with my list and is there anything I missed? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Positive Reinforcement

I’ve had a lovely week off but man, it was like the whole world knew I was taking some time off and were conspiring to plant ideas in my head. I have a notebook full of ideas that are just crying out to be made into blogs. It took some real will power not to log on to my computer and start writing.

Luckily I am back now and can start turning some of those ideas into readable words. I’m going to start with something that happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

I was chatting with NTB and like always when we chat the time got away from me and when I looked at the clock I realised it was almost 6am and I had to be up in 4 hours so I said good night and crawled into bed.

Just before I nodding off I picked up my phone to check my Twitter and noticed I had a text message. This was a little strange, normally any drunken messages I get have come and gone by that hour. I looked at the name and I didn’t immediately recognize it. After a few minutes my half asleep brain finally worked out who it was and who it was kind of through me for a loop. It was a guy I dated/slept with regularly 10 years ago (and if you’re doing the math I’m well aware how old I was 10 years ago).  

Needless to say I was a little curious to why he’d be messaging me. All sorts of things run through your head and none of them are good. Luckily he didn’t keep me guessing long, he soon made his intent very clear.

He wanted to relive some of the good old days and come over to “see me”.  Me not being stupid asked “and do what?” Him not being the coy type replied “f*ck you.” Charming I know.

Once he said that I quickly sent him a message saying “Oh, really? Last I heard you had a girlfriend.” I hadn’t heard anything but I figured men never change and he quickly confirmed that with his reply “So I’d still f*ck you”.

I was actually impressed by his honest reply. I almost wanted to throw him one as a reward. I mean we spend our whole lives telling men just to be honest with us. When one finally listens to that advice I kind of want to reward that positive behaviour. Kind of like the way you train a child......or dog, ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

However I’m not crazy and I really hate dealing with angry girlfriends so that’s never going to happen, positive reinforcement or not.

When it was clear he wasn’t making any progress in his mission to get in my pants he resulted to calling chicken. Not a smart move. I created that game, remember Chicken Man? I’m the master you don’t want to play that game with me you can’t win.

And he certainly didn’t win. I spent the next 40 minutes just messing with him. I’d charge the topic and wouldn’t answer questions. I just wouldn’t bite. And he was quickly getting frustrated with the whole thing. And I couldn’t stop laughing. You’d think after 10 years he could take a hint but apparently I spent that time getting smarter and he well......didn’t.

It still amazes me just how stupid some men can be; what did he think would happen? I’d fall into bed with him and things would be the same as they use to be? Give me a break, that’s not how the real world works.

And in all honesty given the choice I’d rather spend the evening with my battery operated friend. At least my rabbit has the common decency not to text at 6am.

So I have to ask, what do you think about the idea of rewarding good behaviour? And has an ex ever contracted you after a long period of time and if so, what did they want? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Stop Telling Me What I Feel

I’m so sick of people telling me what I feel, between being told what I feel in matters of the heart and now what I feel physically; I’m about to snap and it’s not going to be pretty.

I’m a blogger and I ask for feedback and I love getting it but sometimes it lands in my inbox at precisely the wrong second and that’s what happened this time.

Jimmy over at Personal Facts, sent me a comment and it had some points and I can see where he’s coming from but because of something totally unrelated I beyond lost my cool. And found myself screaming...

“Will people stop telling how I fucking feel, they’re my feelings. I think if anyone should know how I’m feeling it’s me!”

 I flipped out like a small child and it had next to nothing to do with Jimmy and everything to go with physio #4.

I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting physio #4 Tuesday morning and let’s just say I should really call her psycho not physio.

I was referred to her by physio #3 because his factuality only does evaluations. I saw him over 4 weeks and over that time he sorted out a treatment plan and he seemed to really understand what was happening with my back.

Then I meet with physio #4 and well she didn’t. Instead of doing the normal first time visit stuff she seemed to already have her mind made up on what she was going to do and it wasn’t the plan #3 had laid out. 

She basically said I was fine and it’s all my head, so instead of doing what #3 said, she wanted me to come in 3 days a week and work with the occupational therapy team to build my strength back up.

Needless to say I wasn’t impressed. I understand that pain can be partly metal but there is no way the amount of pain I’m in is in my head. There are days I’m in so much pain I physically throw up, that isn’t in my head. Plus I wouldn’t put myself through the pills and side effects. Hell I’m scared of hospitals I wouldn’t even go to the appointments if I didn’t think it would help.

The biggest proof that #4 is just an idiot is the fact #2 and #3 both said there is something not right with my back. They could feel something was off; they just couldn’t work out what it was. #3 actually used the words “it’s not in your head, something isn’t quite right.” The only reason #2 passed me on was because he wanted to rule out spinal problems because he noticed my spine was a little on the straight side. All things #4 would have worked out for herself is she had bothered to lay a hand on me.

Everything she said was so out of line with what pain management, spinal, #2, #3 and even what my GP has said. I was furious. Who the hell is she to tell me what I feel? It’s my fucking body; I know when something isn’t right. Don’t sit there and tell me I’m crazy, when you’re the one whose opinions don’t line up.

The whole thing had me stressed out because clearly I’m not going to be seeing her again, so I’m a person in pain without a plan or any idea what to do next. I have to give some love to NTB I was stressed for days and he sent me a short message and my tears stopped and I wasn’t nearly as stressed anymore. He’s such a star.

As you can imagine after dealing with #4 telling me I was crazy and that despite being in pain I wasn’t actually in any, Jimmy telling me how I felt about dipshit was; not so much the straw but more like the feather that broke the camel’s back. And I had a wee melt down and put a pretty hole in my door with my now very sore foot.

I’m not sure I was justified but it made me feel much better. We all have those moments we’re not proud of but damn they felt good at the time. The hole in my door was definitely on of those.

What temper tantrum moments have you had, that may have been silly in hindsight but at the time felt heavenly? Let me know in the comment box below (and I promise no melt downs when I read them this time).

I’m just trying to putting the whole thing out of my mind and am focusing on the countdown to Canada Day. I’m so excited just hope the weather and my back cooperates. Anyways as always my dears stay safe.

Love,

The Hones Bitch
xoxoxo

Unwanted Dream Guest

The past few nights I’ve been having dreams about someone I haven’t thought about in over a month. I haven’t even accidently called out his name while rabbiting. So him showing up in my dreams was an unwanted surprise, and hopefully by me writing about it these dreams will stop and I can go back to my normal dreams about a very naked Dwayne Johnson.

So the first dream was very short but enough to shake me up and confuse me a little. It goes like this....

I heard a knock at my door so I answered it and there stood Mr. X, I give him a look well known as the “what the hell are you doing here”. He says “I’ve been thinking about everything and we should stop messing about and just become the good friend we’re destined to be.”

At that point I woke up as if a clown was trying to kill me. The whole thing left me a  little confused. We haven’t spoken, I haven’t Facebook or Twitter stalked him, I had truly moved on. Just when I thought I was safe.... bang there he is. I put the mishap out of my mind and went back to sleep.

The next night I was struggling with wisdom tooth pain so took some painkillers and passed out.

That night I had dream that creeped me out and frankly pissed me off.

I was sleeping in my bed and Mr. X enters my room through a window, he lays down next to me and strokes my head and gives it a little kiss. Then when I start to stir he disappears like a ghost.

At which I woke up and throw my pillow across the room. I was pissed. Not a little “the Leafs missed the playoffs again” pissed I was “you’re making me leave Canada a year before I graduate with my class, so can fuck some guy” pissed.

I was mad that he showed up in my dreams, I was mad that my brain let him in. I was mad that he wasn’t acting like himself in my dreams, I was mad at how creepy he was, I was just mad. And in case there are any men reading this, yes women can get mad at you for what you did in their dreams, we’re women we can get mad about anything.

I have no idea what these dreams mean; I just hope writing about them will put an end to it and gives me back my clothing optional Dwayne Johnson dreams (and yes I did just put that line in so I could add another picture of him). If not I may just have to give up sleeping altogether. So help me feel a little better, have you guys ever had any unwanted visitors in your dreams? And what do you think my dreams mean? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxoxo

Men Are Idiots

The girls and I have a little drinking game called, well it’s been called many things over the years but for the sake of this blog we’ll call it “men are idiots”, we like to play. How it works is we take turns saying sometime we’ve gotten in trouble for in the past and if you haven’t gotten in trouble for the same thing you drink.

Since this is the internet and virtual beer isn’t as much fun I thought I’d change it up a little so we can play together. I’ll list some of the things the girls and I have gotten in trouble for, if you've gotten in trouble for it too let me know in the comment box and while you’re at it let me know how much trouble you got in on a scale of 0 – 10 and if you haven’t gotten in trouble for it let me know how much trouble you think someone should get in for it.

Now you know how it works let start

1. Shared a bed, fully dressed, with two friends, a boy and girl.

2. Took a call from a guy in the middle of the night (the guy was gay just for the record).

3. Came home (sober) at 6am. 

4. Forgot to leave a key for him.

5. Was admitted in to hospital sick and missed his work’s Christmas party.

6. Got drunk and kissed a female friend.

7. Took his car to get it washed before he left on a work trip.

8. Worked overtime and didn’t call him to let him know I’d be late.

9. Touched a friend new fake boob.

10. Wouldn’t get out of bed in the middle of the night to pick him and his friends up from a club.

The above list are all things at have actually started a fight for me or a friend. Some maybe justified others like the name says “men are idiots”. What random things have gotten you in trouble? Let me know in the comment box below.  

As always stay safe and don’t cause stupid fights, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

P.S My friend just launched a new website called Cheaper Than A Shrink full of all sorts of gadgets and wonderful things so head over there and have a look. 

Talent Isn't Genetic

I’m walking, talking living proof that talent isn’t genetic. My mom is a very talented baker and cake decorator and while I may be a pretty good baker the decorating gene clearly skipped generation with me.

It was my mom’s birthday this past week and we have a tradition in our household that the birthday person gets to pick what they want for dinner and what kind of cake they want. My mom made the decision this year she wasn’t going to make her own cake. And basically told me I was doing it if I liked it or not.

Making the cake itself wasn’t a problem for me. Baking is science and if you can follow a recipe you can’t screw it up. The problem was I knew I had to decorate it and that really isn’t my strong suit. I lack patients......and artist ability.  

Plus my mom makes gorgeous cakes. I’ll include a picture of a wedding cake she made for a friend a few months ago. And keep in mind she hates doing wedding cakes it’s by far the weakest cakes she makes. If that’s her weakness you can imagine how screwed I was.

My brain was spinning for a week trying to think of something I could do that wouldn’t look like it was made by a 3 year old. I was brain storming ideas of things my mom likes and at the top of the list was painting. The house is full of things she’s painted. I knew straight off the bat I couldn’t do that in cake form but it got me thinking. Luckily what I lack in artist skill I make up for in lateral thinking. So my brain went from actual paintings to equipment they use; splats on an artist pallet was my first thought, then my brain went from splats to abstract art. For a person who lacks artist skill abstract art is good place to be and then it hit me, my favourite artist Jackson Pollock.

If there’s one artist whose work I could do some form of justice to it’s his. Not to mention the idea instantly made me laugh which is always a sign something is going to be a lot of fun. So I went with it. I put a layer of white buttercream on the cake, made up some different coloured glaze icings and started fling them at the cake. I can’t begin to tell you how much fun it was, I was just giggling like a school girl the whole time. Even while I was cleaning the huge mess I made I was still laughing especially went I noticed the blue icing on the ceiling. I even managed to get some on the back of the shirt I was wearing. That’s kind of impressive is truly messed up sort of way.

The cake itself looked fun and most importantly everyone who saw it smiled....ok they burst out laughing but you can’t laugh while frowning. That cake got more laughs then most clowns; I don’t blame them one little bit, even I couldn’t keep a straight face looking at it.

My mom loved it; she said it looked and tasted great although she did say it was a little more Jackson Pollock’s drop cloth then his artwork but who cares it was definitely memorable and more fun than anyone should really have in a kitchen.

So tell me, what’s your favourite birthday cake and while you’re at it, what’s your favourite kitchen memory? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo