The Grinch Who Stole My 21st Birthday

It’s my birthday! Or as I call it the anniversary of the day I knocked my ex-boyfriend out cold. I wrote a blog a long time ago, August 2011 to be exact, about it and over the years something interesting has happen with that post, it’s accumulated just under 50,000 views. By far my most read blog of all time. It’s horrifying and makes me really wish I had done a better job writing it. So since it’s the 5 year anniversary of that event I thought I’d take another swing (pun intended) at writing it.

Let me start by telling you a little about the Grinch; The Grinch was a 27 year old personal trainer and regular in my local pub. The fact he drank in that place should have been my first warning sign but sadly it wasn’t.

We had been swapping flirty eyes for months when New Year’s Eve rolled around and since I was a wee bit intoxicated (it was New Year’s Eve after all) I decided screw it and make the first move. We ended up having a fantastic time and exchanged numbers at the end of the night.

The Grinch was a real slow mover, we texted all the time and chatted but things were going nowhere. Then after a huge push from some friends, we somehow ended up in a relationship not long after Valentine’s Day.

It was never a happy relationship, that dude had more issues than Playboy. Issues he did a fantastic job of hiding until I had and everyone knew I had that “girlfriend” title.  He had a massive problem knowing when to stop drinking and I later found out he had a drug problem too. Which would have been an instant deal breaker had I known.

I remember one night he called me up begging me to come get him, I reluctantly agreed to come and take him home. I get him to his place and he wouldn’t get out of my car. I pushed him, pulled him, hell I even kicked him and he wasn’t moving. After 40 minutes of this shit I had him half way out of my car. Then out of nowhere he looks at me, laughs, gets back in and shuts the car door. That man is lucky I didn’t kill him right then and there. I decided fuck it and drove home to let him sleep it off in my car.

3 hours later I’m a sleep in my bed when I hear noises at my door, I get up to see what the hell is happening only to discover the Grinch trying to get in my house with his keys. I was fuming but let him in since I didn’t really have any other choose. I gave him my bed and slept on the couch. I was ready to dump his sorry ass right there but stupidly listened to my friends and gave him one more chance instead. (Needless to say I’m no longer friends with those people.)

A few weeks after that nightmare, started another one when he dragged me to his cousin’s wedding. It’s a well known fact I hate weddings and this wedding did nothing to help that. The first problem was he evidently comes from a long line of whack-a-doodles. These people made the Adam’s Family look normal.

The second problem was him. He was drunk, loud and ridiculously rude to his family. I was mortified to be seen with him. He was such an ass at one point I ended up putting him on the floor. He spent the weekend acting like an obnoxious over grown child.

After that shit show I had every indentation of dumping him; however it was only 10 day until my birthday so I figured I’d wait until then, after what that asshole put me through I figured I deserved a present.......or a metal.

As much as I deserved it I never did get that present, 2 days before my birthday he dumped me. That’s right that sorry fucking excuse for a man dumped me! It would be a drastic understatement to say I was pissed. I wasn’t hurt, or heartbroken I was just plain old mad. After the way he acted who was he to dump me?

As if I wasn’t mad enough I found out he was planning to pop in and see me at my birthday party, a party I had been saying for month I didn’t want. But he and my best friend wouldn’t have any of it. I figure since we had broken up I could spend my birthday the way I wanted to....I was clearly mistaken.

To be fair up until the Grinch walked in I was having a wonderful time. Then he walked in and I actually saw red. After that I don’t remember anything until we were stood outside talking and he clearly said something I didn’t like because the next thing I knew I had punched him square in the jaw and he was falling in what felt like slow-motion. I do however remember afterwards feeling really cheated because he went down do easily. I wanted to kick the shit out of him. It was so disappointing, kind of like our relationship.

The real punch line is he was a personal trainer who had just come back from a boxing course......Guess they forgot to teach him to keep his hands up.

I got a lot of praise and few drinks for putting that asshole in his place. He use to walk around with a puffed chest and an over inflated ego. He couldn’t do that after getting beaten up by a girl.

As good as it felt; it kind of sucks that that’s my 21^st birthday memory. He stole that night from me, hell he stole all my birthdays from me. A birthday doesn’t pass without someone talking about my 21^st. On the bright side I did do something that a lot of women only dream of.

I told you about my birthday memory now it’s your turn to share yours, the good or the bad, let me hear them in the comment box below. And as always stay and drink tequila safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Guest Post Dilemma

I’ve been working on a guest post (that I may never finish at this rate) for  thesexysinglemommy.net about how we all bitch and moan about wanting to find the elusive triple threat guy; a guy that’s not only nice and sweet but funny too, yet when we were in school we all over looked these sweet, funny guys in favor of guys, who in hindsight, were total douche bags.

Because I’m not a total hypocrite and like to heed some of my own advice, I messaged the guy who in my mind is the quintessential nice, sweet, funny guy that got over looked in school.

Besides the fact it took him a week to reply to me (which isn’t cool and almost caused a blog about us turning those nice guys into douche bags) it went ok. It was nice to catch up with him and there may have been a little harmless flirting going on. But after a couple of days messaging back and forth he vanished without a trace, and after two unanswered messages (which contained questions) and 8 days, I am declaring him officially dead.

Which leaves me with the problem of how to finish my guest post; did we turn all the nice guys into assholes? Maybe I just broke this one or maybe they just seemed so nice in school because the guys we were chasing were such fuckwits in comparison.

What do you guys think? I want to hear your opinions on this, leave your comment in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Judgey McJudge Pants

I am aware that when it comes to my exes I can be Judgey McJudge Pants but you tell me what you think.....

I told you guys last month about yet another one of my exes marring the girl he dated right after me. But then I found out something which I think is fucked up but I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

The guy who I am going to call Bert and the wife who I am going to call Ernie (because I can) aren’t living together. Bert’s still living at home with his mom and Ernie is living with her parents.

And before you say, "maybe they haven’t had a chance to move yet", no, there is no place lined up, hell they’re not even looking.

WHO DOES THAT????

“Oh, let’s get married and live like divorced people” What the fuck? I get that some people choose not to live together before marriage but the key word there is BEFORE. Once they’re married that separate living ends.

But maybe once again I’m being Judgey McJudge Pants let me know what your unbiased thoughts are in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Men Are Like Cabs

The older I get and the more I date the more I think Miranda (or the writer who wrote it) from Sex and The City is right

“Men are like cabs, when their available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide their ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. Next woman they pickup, boom, that' the one they'll marry. It's not fate, its dumb luck.” – Miranda

There are millions of websites out there that claim to know all the secrets to landing the perfect man and claim if you follow their easy steps you’ll find your soul mate in no time at all. Millions of websites telling women exactly what they want to heard instead of the truth.

The truth being: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE PERFECT GUY!

I am sorry Disney lied to you but the truth is it all boils down to timing and dumb luck!

I’ve dated a lot of guys who were nowhere near ready to settle down yet boom the next women they dated they married. Why? Because they went to bed one night and woke up the next morning with their light on.

It’s not that they were soul mates or because he wanted to change for her, or because she tamed him, it’s dumb luck. And in my case lucky luck because I know what I’ve dated and thank god that light wasn’t on (I must start making better choices).

So what do you guys think is there such a thing as soul mates or is it timing and dumb luck, (or in some cases an unplanned pregnancy) let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Well Timed Stress

I’ve been telling you guys for years I’m weird and here’s another example of that. When most people get stressed or their head becomes...messy for lack of a better word; they drink or smoke or roll up in a ball and cry, I on the other hand bake.

When my mom was in hospital a few years back I baked everyday for 3 weeks, it’s how I put things out of my mind. Unlike blogging were you have to deal with things, baking is just about that recipe and making sure everything that goes in is perfect so the end result is delicious.  

When head messiness struck me this time I got lucky, it happened to be my step dad’s birthday so I got to channel all my head messiness into making his birthday cake. And because a normal cake is too easy (and I’m crazy) I decided to try and make my first ever shaped cake.

I’d call myself an above average baker but I’m no freaking decorator, I remind you of the cake I made my mom last year.

But I thought about it and decided a keg is a nice easy shape and shouldn’t be too hard to manage. So I gave it go; I don’t think the end result was too bad for my first attempt. I’m not in love with it but I’m sure my step dad will enjoy it....mainly because it tastes awesome. The major upside to shaped cakes is you get to eat some as cut it away so despite its looks I know it tastes good.

So that’s how I deal with stress and a “messy head”, what do you do? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Honest Reaction

I wasn’t going to post a blog today because in the wee hours of the morning my beloved Toronto Leafs clinched a playoff spot for the first time in 9 years. As far as I’m concerned today is a holiday......and possibly a sign of the apocalypse.

But then Mr. X announced over Facebook he’s engaged! In my opinion that calls for a blog.....and tequila not necessarily in that order. Hell I promise not in the order J

My initial reaction was lovely, I said to my friend “I wish them the best; I hope they’re blissfully married for 40 years” it didn’t stay lovely though, I followed that up with “then she runs off with the pool boy, breaking his fucking heart into millions of tiny pieces.” To quote myself exactly I followed that with “cheers”.

I never claimed to be nice, I’m making that clear but I’m honest. And my honest feeling is I hope she emotionally fucks him, the way he fucked me.

I know you’re not meant to say that out loud, I’m sorry but that’s how I feel. I don’t wish him any actual harm, mainly because that shit heals. I want something emotional that way every time he thinks he’s fine, some fucker can pull that scab off and bring it all back up to the surface again.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some drinking to do, like I said my team made the playoffs and Mr. X is engaged, I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is coming. 

Punch Line

I have a song stuck in my head and it got me thinking; over time do we turn our exes into punch lines?

The song stuck in my head (don’t judge me) is Bridgit Mendler’s “Forgot to Laugh”.  It’s actually the chorus that’s stuck in my head and since I’m betting you haven’t heard of the song the chorus is:

“If you drive away

Hope you get a flat tire, get stranded

If it's goodbye today

Know you're leaving here empty handed

'Cause I got my own life

And you're just a punch line

If you go, you're a joke

I forgot to laugh”

It got me thinking about how over time, most breakups become funny stories; we weren’t laughing at the time but before long we tend to find a way to turn our exes into a punch line.

A while back I wrote a blog about an ex I turned gay, at the time; not funny. Now I can’t get through the story without laughing, it’s hilarious.

The Grinch was a horrible breakup but he became a punch line because for someone who taught boxing, the guy couldn’t take a punch.

Even an ex who I have no problem with (which is rare) is a punch line now because he married a girl that while we were dating he called “Barbie’s crack-head cousin.”

I can’t decide whether we turn them into punch lines to cope with the breakup or if these things were actually funny at the time but we were too distracted by temporary emotions that we simply “forgot to laugh”.

We all know breakups suck and getting dumped sucks even more but when it happens our world doesn’t end, we shake it off and get on with our lives. Yes, we may wish a little harm on our exes at first but before long we find ourselves smirking at the stupid things we hear they’re doing now. They become a walking, talking punch line.

So what do you think; were these things funny at the time or do we morph them into punch lines over time? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo