Shit My Friend's Say

I have the best group of friends a person could ask for; however they aren’t the sanest group of people you’ll ever meet. We all have a love for something creative be it art, writing, acting or music; we’re all very creative people.

There is a stereotype that creative people are kind of nuts and well, we don’t disappoint on that front.  The things that come out of our mouths are enough to make the average person wonder about our mental stability. However when we can make someone inside our group think that, well that’s just impressive.

This week my friends have been on fire, so I thought I’d share some of the funny, random and downright head hurting stuff that has flown out of their mouths.

Starting with......

“I am a horny ice cube.” – This is, believe it or not, how one of my dear friends introduced himself to someone I use to work with. Some who I’m willing to bet is un-friending me on Facebook as I write this.

“We’ve all been there a hot guy undresses and then boom there it is a tiny penis and instantly he’s hotness diminishes by like 600%. Do men have that same problem?” I have no comment for this at all, unless you want to answer her “do men have that same problem?” Sometimes I think I need new friends.

“Sex is like riding a kangaroo.” I can’t tell you where she was going with this one because she never got to finish it, because that’s what happens when you randomly blurt out “sex is like riding a kangaroo.”

“The stars are like the sun’s illegitimate bastard children.” This was said when I had people over for a late Thanksgiving last weekend. We were sat outside waiting for dessert and this gem fell out of one my friend’s mouths.

“Men like women to wear make-up while they’re having sex so they can tell if they’re doing a good job or not. The more clown-like the make-up looks the better job he did.” .......Really I think I could use some new friends. On second thought that one could be true, men’s minds are pretty messed up places after all.

So that’s some of the random things that my friends have said, what random things have your friends said let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Irked

Normally in my blogs I try to give advice or words of wisdom so you guys can learn from my many, many mistakes but in this blog I need your advice.

It’s my cousin’s 21^st soon and I was planning on sending her some lovely flowers and chocolates for her birthday. But then someone pointed out something that has been bugging me for a while and now I’m not sure I want to bother.

When I lived in Canada we were super close. We saw each other almost every day and when I moved we stayed close until 3 years ago when she had her daughter. Even though we weren’t as close as we use to be I’ve always made a point of sending gifts over for her daughter.

She’s a full time student, lives with her boyfriend at her parents’ house and has a nearly 3 year old daughter so I figure money must be tight so I don’t expect anything back. But what has irked me is she never says thank you.

Last Christmas I spent £120 on her daughter (that’s almost $200) and she didn’t even tell me the present arrived. When I asked her in February about it she said “yeah”, and her daughter loved it but she hated it (It was an annoying Sesame Street Lets Rock Elmo so that’s how it should be.) But she never said thank you.

I know she has a kid but last time I checked they ruin your body not your manners.

I’m not sure what to do now, part of me wants to send something because that’s what you do when it’s someone’s birthday but the other part of me thinks if she can’t bother with 9 key storks why should I bother?

So what you do you think, should I sent something or should I keep my money and time and put it to better use. Let me know in the comment box below.

And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Somewhat Twisted Logic

This isn’t going to be one of my normal blogs, this is me trying to prove to some of my friends that my “lateral thinking” hasn’t taken a nose dive into nuts lands.

I’m not a typical girl, I hate high heels. I figure I’m 5”7 that’s tall enough and why on earth should my feet hurt for the sake of a couple more inches. So I live in flats.

Most of the year, I rock flip flops and when that’s not appropriate ballet pumps. When it gets too cold for that I love my chucks. The only issue I have is that I live in England and it rains all the freaking time. And as I’m sure you can imagine flip flops, ballet pumps and canvas shoes all have one common problem......they aren’t water proof.

Since I believe there is almost nothing worse than wet cold feet I’ve been on a mission to find some winter water proof boots, a mission that has lasted more than two years. Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian but I know there is a HUGE difference between water proof and water restraint, and I will not settle of water restraint.

Last week I decided my hunt was useless and gave up and bought a cute pink and white pair of chucks, using this....somewhat twisted logic to justify it.

Since I can’t find a nice pair of winter boots that will do the job, and it’s just going to be a fact of life that my feet will be wet most of the winter I decided I need a new pair of chucks so that while on pair dries my feet can be nice and dry in a  different pair and the more pairs I have the more dry my feet will be.

This makes perfect sense to me; my guy friends on the other hand can’t see the logic at all and think I’ve clearly lost my mind. So I bring the questions to you have I lost my mind or does my somewhat twisted logic make sense? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe. I also posed the first part of The Enigma Project last weekend so be sure to check that out.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Lesson Learned

While researching an upcoming blog I came across a lot of ridiculous dating rules and my first response was “if you have to implement any special rules in a relationship, the relationship isn’t worth it.”

It seems completely logical, if you can’t make a relationship work with common decency, it’s just not meant to be, you shouldn’t need stupid little rules to make it work.

As logical as this seems to me now, this was one lesson I had to learn.

A few years back when I was dating The Grinch, I put in place the “teddy clause”.  This was a rule that stated every time he messed up and made me cry he had to buy me a teddy bear.

My thought behind it was if he had to send money and go to girly places to buy teddy bears every time he messed up he might change his attitude. Kind of like a swear jar with teddy bears.

The rule was pretty much completely ineffective. I ended up with a lot of lovely teddy bears and he ended up still being a dick.

Looking back now, it’s more than clear he didn’t give a flying fuck about how his actions were affecting me. What I should have done in hindsight is dump his sorry fuck-wit ass and moved on to bigger and better things.

Nobody needs people like that in their life’s, it’s not worth that headaches and stress. Life is too short to deal with assholes.

I like to try and take something positive from all my relationships even if it’s just a lesson learned and by me sharing these lessons with you guys hopefully you won’t make my mistakes. 

So what other relationship lessons have you guys learned? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Mouth Hell

I want to start by apologizing for being a bad blogger. I took last weekend off for Thanksgiving and then this weekend I missed because, well, I looked like the elephant man and wasn't feeling too hot because of that.

This past week I’ve been in mouth hell.

Wednesday I had an hour long dentist appointment to have a crown done because I broke a tooth eating a bowl of fruit loops (I kid you not; I broke a tooth eating cereal). I don’t know if you’ve ever had a crown done but it’s not fun. They take like 4 different types of molds and it’s just a lot of stuff that makes you want to bite the dentist. Plus you’re frozen and I hate that.

Once I was home and the freezing had worn off, I discovered my bite felt off and I mean way off. It feels like the crown is a foot too high. I was also in a fair bit of pain because the molding trays pissed off my wisdom teeth. I decided to just suck it up and hope things would settle after a few days........They didn’t.

My wisdom tooth decided it hated me and got itself infected. And I’m not talking a little infected, I’m talking couldn’t open my open, swollen face, sore throat, ear ache and feeling sick infected. I spent most of the weekend looking like I escaped a freak show.

Thankfully I’m feeling a little better now. My ear and mouth still hurt but I’m looking a lot less post boxing matchy. Saying that my bite is still off and every time I chew on the crown side it feels like I’m chewing on tin-foil.

It’s not much fun but I’m still not ready to give in a go back to the dentist. Why you ask? Because this sucks, but it sucks a lot less then the nightmare that was having my lower right wisdom tooth pulled.

Here’s the short version of that story; I went to the emergency dentist because my right upper wisdom tooth hurt like hell and my jaw was swollen. The dentist decided to pull my lower wisdom tooth because “it’s easier” and “should help”. The dumb bitch then struggled to freeze the area, once she did, I then spent and an hour in the chair while her assistant held my head and the dentist pulled.  

I still have nightmares about the whole thing so needless to say my other 3 wisdom teeth are staying where they are. Maybe that’s why most people get all 4 pulled at once. I’ve never been one to do things the easy way.

So what wisdom teeth stories do you guys have? Who knows maybe it’ll make me or someone else feel a little better. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Happy Thanksgiving

Normally I spend this holiday thinking about all my friends and family back home that I miss dearly and am very thankful to still have in my life. It’s a hard holiday to spend on the other side of the planet away from the people you care most about.

Despite that, I thought in the spirit of Thanksgiving I’d take a few minutes to think of some of the things I’m thankful for on this side of the planet.

I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve been able to have here which I wouldn’t have had back home. England is full of history and I’ve been able to learn and experience it here rather than reading about it in some book.

I’m thankful you finish school here at the age of 16. My learning style has always been more hands on, so I’ve always sucked at tests. I can’t tell you what I know but I can sure as hell show you. So I’m thankful to have gone to college here where my work was able to speak for itself.

I’m actually thankful for all the idiots who have crossed my path while I’ve been over here. They have made me stronger and more certain of where I stand of things, my beliefs, what’s right and wrong. Being here has given me the chance to figure these things out for myself.

The other reason I’m thankful for all those idiots is because without them I wouldn’t be sat here blogging now. And I would have missed out on chatting and getting to know some really awesome people.

I am also, of course, thankful for my readers. You guys bring a lot of perceptive to what I write about and reminder me there is some good left out there. Plus if it wasn’t for you guys, I’d just be some crazy person talking to herself.

So that's what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving, what are you guys thankful for? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always have a great day and stay safe.

Happy Thanksgiving, Gobble, Gobble,

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Don't Wake This Bitch Up

The male brain or lack thereof astonishes me sometimes.

On what planet does calling someone who is already mad at you, in the middle of the night and waking them up, sound like a good idea?

I tell you on what planet, none! Nobody likes being woken up in the middle of the night, FACT! And when the jackass waking you up is someone you don’t want anything to do with it’s made a million times worse.

I know men can be a little inept when it comes to dealing with women but this isn’t so much a women thing as it is a logic thing.

You can’t make someone forgive you by pissing them off more. That’s not how the world works.

The amount of men who have pulled this bullshit on me is unreal and after someone tried this again on me last night I feel the need to let it be known this is unacceptable behavior  You aren’t going to win anyone back by being an inconsiderate asshole.

I actually make a point to blocking the numbers of guys who have done this to me. It’s just rude and pushy. Who are they to say they’re more important than my sleep? If you’re trying to get back in my good graces putting your needs above mine is a pretty shitting way of doing so.

 I’m sure I’m not alone in liking my communication with people I’m no longer care for to be done during business hours. When I’m already in the most people are idiots mindset. I don’t want that crap flittering into my down time. That’s my time to do what I wish with whoever I wish.

So you tell me am I over reacting or is waking someone up in the middle of the night for your own selfish reasons crossing the line? And how do you handle being woken up by idiots from your past. Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo