Valentine’s Day

I’m already sick of hearing “Valentine’s Day is coming up!” and before you say anything, no, my dislike towards Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with the fact I’m single. Even when I’m in a relationship I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day it’s just not my sort of holiday.

“Yucky, yucky mushy shit” (as I’ve been known to call it) has never been my thing, mainly because I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. I love to watch romance in my guilty rom-com pleasure but in reality I wouldn’t be wooed by a candlelight dinner and moonlight dance. That just doesn’t tickle my peach.

Romance is meant to give you an excited feeling, the normal Valentine’s Day protocol give me....a chance to brush up on my faking skills and there is nothing romantic about faking.

I don’t even understand why guys try the normal Valentine’s Day romance act on me. Anybody who knows me knows my love for the colour pink (in everything expect clothing) is the only thing girly about me. So why do they think all that changes just because the calendar reads February 14^th?

You know what my idea of a perfect Valentine’s Day is? Pizza, beer and my beloved Leafs managing to actually win a fucking game! And if by some act of god they do manage to win, an orgasm to finish off the evening.

Before you say it, yes I know I’m weird but you wouldn’t be reading my blog if I was normal now would you? Since I told you about my ideal Valentine’s Day what’s yours? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Monster Bitch

I currently look like something out of a damn horror movie! If you follow me on twitter you know I haven’t been well for about a week now but things got bad Monday when I woke up with a high temperature and a rash all over my face. Since I’m a stubborn person I made till Wednesday with the burning, itchy rash and feeling like death before going to the doctors.

I couldn’t get in to see my doctor so I took an appointment with one of the other doctors, when I walked in and she had a look at my face, she was worried so she called another doctor in. It happened to be my actual GP and when he walked in the first words out of his mouth was “Oh my, you don’t look well at all”. How rude I know, I replied back “funny, because I feel fantastic.” After 45 minutes of poking my already painful face they didn’t agree what was wrong. She thought it was cellutis, which would have meant me going into hospital, my doctor thought the rash was secondary to my fever and if they took care of the fever the rash would go. So they gave me a cream and some high dose antibiotics and sent me home.

The next morning I was actually starting to look better and I felt a lot better than Thursday night happened, the house was spinning which lead to me being sick and then around 2am I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and screamed. My face had gone from scaring small children and the elderly to looking like I just walked off the set of a horror film. My mom took one look me and I was taken to A&E.

It was really strange because I didn’t feel fantastic but I felt a whole lot better than I did Wednesday but my face looked so much worse. When we got there the receptionist almost got punched in the face when she asked what was wrong. Anybody with one eye from 500 feet could tell what was wrong. And I wasn’t in any mood to deal with stupid.

When I finally saw the doctor, she turned out to be a junior doctor and she openly said she had no freaking clue at all what was going on. The registrar didn’t do much better so the poor junior doctor was sent on a mission to find out what it was; after ruling out meningitis and 5 hours of research she failed so they sent me elsewhere in the hospital for some answers and so I couldn’t sue in case they missed something that ended up killing me.

After the blood work and some other tests came back normal, the doctor decided what had happened is I caught the bug that’s going around at the same time I had infection somewhere in my body (which they couldn’t find, my white count was normal) and my body overreacted thinking it was one massive thing instead of two minor things leading to my face being turned into the thing nightmares are made of. Luckily they promise this rash will not leave any scars at all. They better be right! 

The almost funny thing is I should have been at a funeral Friday; that’s not funny I know, the funny part is every time I’m meant to attend a funeral I ended up in hospital luckily this time; no ambulance. People need to stop dying; hospital gowns aren’t the kind of fashion statement I’m trying to make.

Anyways I better listen to the doctors and get some rest, fingers crossed when I wake up I look less monster like. So what’s your favourite monster? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

PS I'm playing the I'm sick card on any mistakes in this blog lol

Unfriending Hockey

After my last few blog posts I thought I’d better message Mr. X to see just how much trouble I was in. And then this conversation happened.......

Me: I don’t like surprises so care to tell me if I’m in any trouble for anything I’ve written lately?

Mr. X: no

           But you are bitter

           Did you not consider why I am in an open relationship?

Me: I’m not bitter and no I didn’t

Mr. X: fair enough

Me: Because you wanted to watch me snap? Lol

Mr. X: no

          because I want a closed relationship with her

          and this is my in

Me: Good luck with that one

Mr. X: I don’t need luck any more

Me: y?

Mr. X: We’ve agreed to be exclusive last night

Me:  Cool

        Well done

Mr. X: Thanks

Me: Don’t screw it up

Mr. X:  I won’t

           so sorry

           no more flirting

Me: Not a problem

       Good luck Mr. X [I used his actual surname of course]

After I sent him that message I did something I’ve never done before; I unfriended someone. I’ve blocked plenty of people over the years but I’ve never unfriended anyone; but in this case he needed to be removed.

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you may remember Mr. X’s stunt a few Christmas’s ago when he told me he had feeling for me and then less than 24 hours later block me on everything, Facebook, Twitter, phone, email...he was gone. Let me just say I didn’t do that.

I didn’t block him on anything, I still follow him on Twitter and Skype, he’s free to contract me, I have no problem with him. We go back a long way; if he needs to talk he knows I’ll be there for him but with that being said I still feel that Facebook had to go. I just need my.....cyber space.

After that little conversation I’m not going to lie I wanted to curl up in bed with a bottle of Tequila. But I didn’t; I went for a run instead (which was a stupid idea given my back issues.) Then I just zoned out for the rest of the day I was feeling a little blah (for lack of a better word).

I didn’t sleep too well last night, I just felt off but after waking up to the news that after 113 days the NHL lockout is over, I feel awesome. If someone had told me 114 days ago all I had to do to prevent the lockout was unfriend him, he would have been long gone, it’s not even a close contest. A team I’ve loved forever or a guy that has been fucking me around forever ...it’s no brainer.

It made me think of some dating advice Steve Dangle (a fairly well known hockey blogger) once jokingly gave me “nobody good hates hockey.” When I thought about it, joking or not he’s right. All my exes have hated hockey and all my exes are....”not good”. So the fact less than 24 hours after removing Mr. X (who hates hockey) the sunlight that is the NHL broke through the cloud and now hockey is back makes me smile. Life has a funny way of wrapping things up in a cute little bow.

So what strange but true dating advice have you been given? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Snap Goes The Bitch

I’m normally a fairly composed person, it takes a lot for me to lose it and when I do there are normally some fairly obvious warning signs I’m about to snap. However the other day there was no warning, I just snapped as if someone had flipped a switch and bam, I was gone.

Ever watch a show where someone is placed under hypnosis and they’re given a trigger word and with a simple little word a perfectly normal person is gone? It happened just like that, however I wouldn’t call myself normal and when I snap I talk at about 500 words a minute. Everyone who has seen me lose it tells me they want to applaud afterwards. I squeeze an hour’s worth of conversation into 5 minutes and the impressive part is it’s all coherent and minus all the 4 lettered words, appears to be fairly well thought out.

Here’s what happened I was on the phone talking to my GBFF (Dave) and I was telling him about this recurring dream I had 3 nights in a row. The short version of the dream is at midnight on New Years Eve; Mr. X gets down on one knee and asks his girlfriend to marry him.

We, ok I thought; maybe my brain knew something I didn’t. So Dave said to me “you and Mr. X have a good friendship why don’t you just ask him?” (It’s always so simple when someone else tells you what to do) So, I sent him a message on Facebook. When he replied.....that’s when I lost my shit.

Before I tell you what he said I need to give you a little back story. About a month ago Mr. X was flirting with me over Facebook and I can’t remember what he said and I’m too lazy to look but my reply was “you have a girlfriend for that”. At which point he told me they’re in an open relationship. It made no difference to me, that’s why I didn’t blog about it, I’m not interested but for my rant to make any sense you need that tidbit.

The reply he sent me was “no, got a gf, nowhere near getting engaged though” at which point I think my head spun around like something from the Exorcist. I lost it.

Here is a little of what came flying out of my mouth at a million miles an hour.

“Girlfriend!? What girlfriend!?! You’re in an open fucking relationship, that's just fuck-friends for people who have no guts. You’re too ashamed to say “this is the girl I’m causally fucking” so you put a pretty little title on it so people are ok with your casual sex. Call it what it is, fuss free fucking!”

At which point Dave said “bitter?”

“I’m not bitter with him; he’s free to do whatever he wants. I really don’t want any of that. Her on the hand....That bitch took my in. I’ve been mind fucking that man for years, laying the groundwork for fuck-friends knowing perfectly well it would lead to more and that bitch took my in. I did the hard work and put the time in and dealt with ALLLLL that crazy and that bitch stole my fucking work. She plagiarized my relationship!”

At which point I burst out laughing and Dave lost it. We both knew it was pointless and didn’t mean anything because I don’t want him anymore but that doesn’t make having your work stolen any less frustrating. It wasn’t about him, it was about my work. We must have laughed for 10 minutes straight. Once we regained our composure, Dave said “you done?” To which I said “Damn bitch, plagiarized my relationship.” And we started laughing all over again.

I’m sure his girlfriend (“girlfriend”) is lovely and blah da blah blah blah but sometimes a rant is in order and I felt amazing afterwards. But I have to ask; would you sleep with someone who was in an open relationship? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Bad Boy Bear

In Mr. X’s Q&A blog he impelled he was a “bad boy”. Bad boy my ass, there is nothing farther from the truth. He has no piercing, no tattoos, he’s never done drugs, he doesn’t smoke and in his 30 odd years on this planet the man has never touched a drop of alcohol. The dude could be a freaking Mouseketeer. 

However like most Disney starlets Mr. X has a problem....he’s attitude. I guess it’s better than the normal Disney starlet problems, I mean it could be worse; he could be pulling a Lohan.

Saying that Mr. X doesn’t have the average person’s mood swings I actually call them “bear moments”. Which spices of bear you get depends on the day.

Sometimes you get a Black Bear; where your best defence is to talk calmly and slowly walk away.

Sometimes you get a Koala Bear;  he appears to be cute and cuddly but you should always be careful of the sharp teeth and claws.

Other days he’s like a Panda Bear; there's an, eat, shoots and leaves joke to be made there but we all know I’m far too classy for that. (Stop laughing J)

Sometimes he’s a Grizzly Bear; if he gets within 25 feet, you should spray him with pepper spray for your own personal safety.

Sometime he’s a Polar Bear Cub; really cute to look at but you really shouldn’t touch him.

Sometime he’s a full grown Polar Bear; known to stalk and kill humans just because he’s hungry.

Other days he’s a Brown Bear; well known for his aggressive behaviour, indifferent to humans and likely to kill you for his own personal enjoyment. Your best bet is to play dead and be thankful he’s not going to eat you. (There's a joke there but I’m not touching it with 39 and a half foot pole (bonus points if you can name that song))

Anyways I’m going to end this ridiculous post and head to bed (I’m over tired, can you tell?), so which bear moment do you think I’m going to get when he reads this, let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Mr. X Q&A

"As promised here is Mr. X’s Q&A, I have to admit this wasn’t as emotionally scarring as I thought it would be. Thank you all for your questions, and as for the ones that were clearly just you screwing with him for your own personal amusement….You rock! That's why I love my readers J" 

1) How much does he think he will regret not marrying you? On a scale of 1 to 10, and of course an explanation is required 

I'll have to say 1. If it was any other score, I would have changed things by now, right? Invading Honest Bitch's subconscious doesn't count as making a genuine effort.

2) Does Mr. X find your blog more insightful or insulting?

 I find the Honest Bitch's blog interesting. It swings from insightful to insulting like a pendulum. Consistently and like clockwork

3) You said he has a girlfriend now; I want to know if there are ever moments he wishes she was you?

Wow, everyone wants to hook me and Honest Bitch up, don't they?

4) Has the fact she's a blogger affected your relationship?

No, why would it? Women talk. At least I can see what Honest Bitch has to say!

5) Explain how you have at least 2 women into you when you're such a dick?

I'd like to thank Taylor Swift for this question. All men are dicks and the reality women should accept is that most women are attracted to bad boys. Why? Because a nice boy is boring.

6) Does the Honest Bitch write about everything that happens between you or does she leave things out. If she does, does the things she decides not to write about bother you?

Honest Bitch does leave things out but it doesn't bother me. It's her blog, it's her business. Much like I have my man closet and it is my business.

7) Has Mr. X every thought about starting his own blog?

I have one but to share with you the link would be to share my identity. I'd prefer to avoid the hate mail from Taylor Swift and co.

8) Would you ever set THB up with one of your friends?

No. I think Honest Bitch is an attractive and charismatic woman. She can get her own men (even her taste in men is appalling).

9) We hear about your screw ups, but has The Honest Bitch ever hurt you? And if so have you forgiven her?

I have very thick skin. I didn't get to be like this by being soft.

10) If you had one wish for The Honest Bitch what would it be?

I want her to find a man that will treat her right and make her happy.

Christmas Eve

Seeing as it's Christmas Eve I’m going to keep this blog pretty short, mainly because I can’t wait to get on with my Christmas Eve tradition of snuggling up in my pjs and watching far too many Christmas films, starting with, of course, my favourite White Christmas.

Before I get on with that, I want to let you know about an upcoming blog that both excites and slightly horrifies me. Mr. X came up with the idea of doing a Q&A for you guys. I love the idea of you guys being able to get the whole picture and see things from his perspective as well as mine. Its part of the “Honest” in The Honest Bitch, I like to be as transparent as I can be with you but with that being said it still scares me, but I’ll get over it. So if you happen to have any questions you’d like Mr. X to answer please send them my way.

Before I go I just want to make sure I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you everything you want and more. Have a fantastic day. I’m off to dream of a white Christmas.

Love Always,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo