Not Feeling 2019

Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Christmas Party

This year’s work Christmas party has come and gone, and I’m pleased to report I survived. It wasn’t what I’d class as enjoyable, but I managed to put my best foot forward and shine, so it wasn’t a complete waste of my time.

Between the head of one of our biggest customers being out with us most of the night and the owner of our company’s son being with us all night getting stupidly drunk and letting loose seemed like a poor idea. It didn’t stop some, but I am too old to play dumb on that one. I actually got a compliment from my manager on how I handle the customer. High praise considering I am a night shift worker whom they normally keep locked away from important people.

My plan to fish for information and plant ideas didn’t go as well as I’d hope. This was mainly down to having a customer with us. Can’t really ask those import questions when you’re getting judged. But there is always next year.

Anyways, my dears, I am going to leave that here as I am writing this one Christmas Eve and I can hear the Christmas spirits calling me and they sound like tequila. Hope you had a lovely Christmas. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Gay Husband's Bright Idea

My lovely, dear, gay husband has had another one of his “bright idea” and I thought I’d let you in on his latest brain wave because personally it made me laugh.

The gay husband is over the whole Steve thing, he believes he’s all talk and while he served a purpose, that purpose has now been served. Fair enough, I guess. However, he believes I should replace Steve with, wait for it, his brother Tyler.

Now, if you’re anything like me, your reaction to that was “wait, what?”. The words just did not compute. He has his logic and some of it is understandable, but it still sounds crazy to me.

His logic is that Tyler is clearly someone I am comfortable with; he’s seen me without makeup, he’s seen many unflattering pictures of me, he’s someone I communicate with easily. We share a lot of the same interests (country music, musicals, crappy films), and we have a similar sense of humour. I don’t dispute any of that. However, the same could be said for most of my friends.

There also many other issues the gay husband is overlooking. Starting with his brother; now imagine for a second, he was right, and me Tyler started dating…. How messed up would have Thanksgiving be? Dating Tyler, sat across from his brother whom I use to sext? That’s not a thing.

Then you have the other issues, like he’s younger than me, I don’t date younger guys. You have the distance, you have secrets, he’s doesn’t know I blog, and he can’t find out for obvious reasons. And then you have the fact I am not ever sure he’s straight!

I am pretty sure the gay husband is way off on this one but let me know what you think in the comments below. I’d love to know your thoughts and the gay husband would love to find out if anyone is on his side. Anyways, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Christmas Party Is Coming…

Next week, or tomorrow when you’re reading this, it’s our staff Christmas party and I am absolutely dreading it. Spending unpaid time with my colleagues isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. But it is, however, a good opportunity and because of that I’m going.

It’s no secret I am not my boss’s favourite; I’m over opinionated, vocal and I don’t back down. However, I’m damn good at my job, and he knows it. So, events like this are a good opportunity for me to plant ideas and watch them come back as theirs a few months later.

This year’s event is a little different which might work in my favour as well. Instead of going out drinking and having to hang with the boys. Side note; they normally say stay soberer than your boss at events. True, but in transport I’ve found you must do that while going drink for drink…. Not fun. Anyways, this year we’re going to a white-collar boxing event to watch one of the CSU’s get punched in the face in memory of our colleague that took his life. Hopefully, meaning we won’t be hitting the bar as much as past years. I swear I’m still hungover for the last time we all went out.

That is transport though. Every company I’ve worked for has been the same. You need to be able to hang to get ahead. I know, I said my boss isn’t my biggest fan and he isn’t. However, his boss, likes me. The higher the position I’ve found, the more my honesty is found “refreshing”. And events like this given me a chance to put my best foot forward. It may not be the easiest way to make it, but at least my lips don’t taste like ass.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the rest of my 4 off. But before I go, I have this question for you; do you enjoy work events? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Peak

Happy December! Can you believe it’s already here and this horrible year is almost over? However, before we get to that finish line, we must make it make it through one last hell, and that hell is known as peak.

Working in transport, peak is a unique beast. It's not quite as bad as retail, but it’s close. However, in retail most the people you meet are somewhat in the Christmas spirit and a little more joyful and in transport you’re working with homicidal elves.

While dodging the wrath of the homicidal elves, during peak I am also forced to work with my opposite. My opposite is quite the character to say the least. He is a character I’d like to see repeatedly run a cliff, if I am being completely honest. Having to work with him and dealing with the evil elves means this time of year is very stressful and does not always bring in the best in me.

Luckily, I am blessed with some awesome co-workers based all over the country who do a fantastic job of keeping me sane… ish. I mean we all work nights so sane isn’t really a thing we do, but that may be why it works. We’re good at see the funny side of things  and luckily, most of us came play off each other and bring each other back when the doom and gloom creeps in.

Anyways, I am going to love you and leave you. But, before I go, I have this question for, what is the best part of your job? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

I'm Sick

It’s beginning to look a lot like flu season…… I’m sick, I am miserable, and I have no time for any of this.

While trying to rest this evening like a good little patient, my body decided it would be cute to wake me up by projectile vomiting. Charming, I know. Luckily, I haven’t been able to eat in 2 days, so clean up was less gross than it could have been. However, I didn’t really have time booked for washing bedding today but needs must.

So, apologies todays post is short again, but unfortunately, I am sick and the time I had set aside to write is now having to be used by cleaning bedding and sleeping so hopefully I’m better for work on Sunday.

What are your home remedies for the flu? And, what do you do you do to make yourself feel better when you’re stuck in bed sick? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Stressed

I’m writing this post a lot later than I generally like to, but this month has been a wee bit stressful. My mom had an infection which knocked her numbers and took her out of commission for a week. Then, once she recovered from that she had to have surgery on her fistula for her dialysis, which knocked her out for another week and it’s just been busy and stressful and just a lot.

It seems like every time I get by duck in the same pond, (not row, I gave up on that dream years ago), one of the little buggers runs off to Mars. I just can’t win.

Anyways, sorry this post, is short any crappy, but as you know, sometimes life happens and blogging has to take a back seat. I will leave you with this question though; How do you keep your ducks in the same pond? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xo

Looks Don’t Matter

I made a comment a few posts back about looks not being a deal breaker and this raised a few questions and bought on quite the debate, so I thought I’d elaborate on my stance a bit.

Now, don’t get me wrong physical attraction is a plus and if it’s there awesome, but it’s not the be all and end all. For me at least, being attracted to someone’s personality is way more important. Sex with pretty people who you want to stab when they open their mouths isn’t sustainable. Personalities on the other hand tend to last. And, in most relationships anyways, you tend to spend more time clothed than naked, so there needs to be more than looks build a happy healthy relationship.

There are actually scientific studies that back up my stance, apparently “traditional attraction” wears off after 18-24 months. And apparently, that’s the point where a lot of issues tend to surface. When that “honeymoon” or “lust” phase wears off relationships fizzle out if there isn’t something else to draw them together.

I, on occasion, have chosen to skip that lust phase. I’ve dated guys whose personalities I enjoyed, but who may not have been my idea of sexually stunning. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t monsters, but I also didn’t look at them and want them naked either. That said, just because they didn’t make me drool doesn’t mean they couldn’t make me scream. Just because I wasn’t into them looks wise doesn’t mean the sex was bad. Actually, from my experience, what they say is true, good looking men tend to not be great in bed because they don’t have to be. While less stunning men, well, they develop skills to compensate.

Anyways, that’s my two cents on the matter. I’m going to go and enjoy what remains of the last day of my holiday. I shall leave you with the question though; Do looks matter? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Mr. Block

Some of you have been asking what happened with Mr. Block so I thought I’d give you a quick update.

The answer is not a lot happened. We arranged to meet up for the 6^th time and for the 6^th time he cancelled. At that point, I lost interest. I’m far too old for games and frankly the price isn’t good enough for the effort required.

To be fair, there was never going to be a future with Mr.Block. After all the BS at most it was going to be a purely sexual sort of thing. Ok, more of it’s been a while and I wanted to know if I could remember how sort of thing. I mean, why not?

Then Steve popped up with a point that played in my head. He asked why I was wasting my time with Mr.Block when he could fulfil the same function with a few a messages. As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. He also reminded me the reason why not is I have self-respect and Mr. Block is prick. Can’t argue with that one either.

Anyways, that’s the update or lack thereof. I am going to go and enjoy the rest of my holiday, but before I go I have this question for you; Are fuckfriends a good or bad thing? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoo

Q&A

Welcome to November and more importantly to the Q&A I’ve been promising. I’m not going to waste a lot of time here, I’m just going to jump into the questions you lovely humans have been asking.

How are you?

I am ok. I am in a better place than I was that’s for certain. I am still not perfect, but all things considered I am doing well.

How is your mom?

My mom is a fighter and she’s hanging in there. Her kidney function is back up to 11%, which is a relief. Her spirits remain high and that’s all you can really ask for.

Are you dating anyone?

Nope. Not even flirting with anyone these days.

How are things with Mr. X?

Perfect. I haven’t spoken to him months.

Do you miss Mr. X?

Of course. As toxic as he could be, he was also a sweetheart who could always get through to me when no one else could. Now I have to rely on myself for that, and to be honest, recently that almost didn’t work. As much of a twat as Mr. X can be, he has he’s good and I miss that.

How are things with Steve?

Things are ok. We don’t speak a whole lot these days, but that’s to be expected. Peak has started at work and time is a premium. Plus, I don’t like messaging him at home, so January will be when things start to show.

Hove things changed with Steve?

Yep. But, like I said I won’t really know what’s changed and what’s just peak stress until January.

Is Steve going to do a guest post or a Q&A like Mr. X did?

Nope. I asked the question for you and he’s not interested.

Given your firm no kids rule would you still sleep with Steve?

In case you don’t know the rule this person is talking about it is birth control, condoms and a reasonable chance the guy I am sleeping with is shooting blanks. When it comes to Steve I’d make an exception on this one.

Would you still sleep with Steve given how things have changed?

I would indeed. The whole Steve thing is about pleasure not logic.

Do you think Mr. X and Steve are cheaters?

Every relationship is different and has their own rules. By my standards in a relationship, yes, but that’s not to say that’s the case in their relationships. And since I chose not to know those facts, I can only assume they’re playing within the rules they’ve set.

Anyways, my dears, those are all the questions that you’ve submitted for this Q&A, if you have any more leave them below and I’ll either answer them there or save them for my next Q&A post. But that’s all she wrote for this one so, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Different Friends For Different Seasons

Aristotle said there are 3 types of friendships; Friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of the good. Personally, I’m not sure those are the titles I would have gone with, but there are definitely different type friendships, and each serves a purpose, and each has a time and place.

I’ve never classed or even thought about my friends in this way. However, I have noticed recently I’ve been pulling away from certain people. I’ve been slowly discovering with everything going on in my life, certain friends just aren’t a good fit for me right now. It’s not that we’ve fallen out or I dislike them or anything like that. It’s just they aren’t what I need in my life right now.

My work bestie up in Manchester is the best example of this. If we were going to classify the friendship it would fall under that “utility” category. We both serve a purpose to each other. However, right now, I don’t have it in me to serve that purpose. She phones me, and I know what I’m supposed to say, but I just don’t want to. I don’t want to play that part right now. It takes so much energy and I don’t get anything positive from it.

On the flip side of that, when I speak to Steve’s brother Tyler, who also works for the company, I get something positive from that. For the record, we have a very different relationship. Tyler reminds me of my drama geek friends. He is someone I can just be stupid with. We spend our evenings at work singing at each other down the phone or sending each other ridiculous Snapchat pictures. There is no worry about how I look or anything like that; it’s just fun and that’s what I need right now.

When it comes to Steve, that’s where things get complicated. When he’s himself, it’s all golden. I could happily spend hours just talking to him. However, recently he’s been prone to some bad moods. I’m not sure whether works is getting to him or what, but I can’t. They say bad moods are contagious and I’ve been very susceptible to them recently. If there is a hint of a mood around me, I seem to catch it. So, when he’s in a mood, for my own sanity I steer clear.

Then you have the gay husband, who at the moment I am avoiding. Once again, we haven’t fallen out or anything like that. The issue I am having with him is different than the others. The problem with him is the way he looks at me, he has what I call “sad eyes”. He’s treating me differently and questioning my choices. He’s just not being real with me; it’s as if he thinks I’m about to break at any moment. I understand he has my best interests at heart, but I don’t like the way he’s going about it. It’s not what I need and it's definitely not what I want. I don’t want to live in Candy-coated Sugar Land, I want people to be real with me, and if it gets too much, like Steve and his moods, I’ll back off. That’s on me. Fake has never been a thing I do or deal with and it’s sure as hell is not about to start now.

Anyways, my dears, I am going to go and enjoy what is left of my day off, but before I go I have this question for you; What do you do to look after yourself? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Returning To Normality

I am a big believer in faking it until you make it and thanks to that technique I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. With a little effort to do what I “should do”, I’m finally starting to feel how I wish to.

A lot of it down to little things; like making myself shower, making sure I do some skin care, putting a bit of makeup on, going to improv class, forcing myself to smile. Not things I feel like doing, but all things I’d normally do.

The other part that helped was I was out of my routine at work; I was based at a different depot for most of September. I was working with my old trainee, which was well timed for both of us. We balance each other out well. I help him see the funny side of things, so he doesn’t get stressed and he acts as a sounding board for me, so I can remove my emotions from the equation and allow my logic to take over. We’ve always been a good team, and that was more than helpful in turning things around.

Team work helps, and my normal site doesn’t allow for that as we work on own  own. I do have some amazing colleagues at the end of the phone which is useful but not the same. Plus, their usefulness depends on their mood and one shitty mood can be contagious. Steve being the example of that; most of last month he had a stick firmly up his ass and it wasn’t just me that noticed it, everyone who spoke to him seemed to catch part of his mood, and it was just unpleasant for all.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the remainder of my day off. I won’t leave you with a question of the blog but leave me yours in the comments below as I’m finally getting around to the Q&A I promised. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo