He's Married and That's OK

Last weekend Mr. X got married and apparently this is one of those blogs I have to write despite not feeling the need to write it.

 Admittedly I’m as shocked as anyone that I didn’t end up turning to tequila and crying my eyes out on his wedding day because let’s face facts, I was in love the guy but I guess the operative word in that sentence is “was” because I was fine.

In all honestly Mr. X’s wedding didn’t even cross my mind last weekend. As evident in blog; I was too busy day dreaming about the dude at work I’m not allowed to like. Who, coincidentally, I didn’t like until I wasn’t allowed to like him, then all of a sudden he was cute. Welcome to the wonderful twisted world that is my brain.

As for Mr. X now being married that’s a non-issue, it doesn’t have any impact on me. Things played out they way they should have and I’m satisfied. The problem with relationships like ours tends to be closure or lack thereof; I don’t have that issue. We’ve said our piece to each other and tied up all those pesky loose ends. The Mr. X chapter of my life was firmly closed long before he said “I do”. If anything it’s reassuring to know he’s now married and that that book isn’t going to magically fly open one day.

Anyways I have to go and work on a post for my other blog “Nightly Correspondence”, be sure to check that out. And since there isn’t really a question in this blog, tell me what name you think I should give the guy from work I’m not allowed to like (I can’t think of anything). And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Sleep, Cuddles and Friends

After my last blog I think it’s time to get back to writing about penis because let’s be honest they’re more fun to read and write about and for the most part they don’t result in a soggy keyboard.

Last night when I woke up about midnight (slightly hung-over) I noticed a text message on my phone from an old friend. It said he was house sitting for his mom and asked if I wanted to sleep over.

Don’t get any weird ideas, when he says sleep he means sleep. We use to do it all the time as teenagers he’d come over to mine or I’d go around his at silly am and just cuddle up and sleep. There’s never been anything sexual between us.

I sent a message back saying I’d love to and he quickly sent me a message back telling me I know the drill. So I slipped on my slippers and grabbed the spare key and went around.

I let myself in and went up to his room and crawled into bed next to him. He put his arm around me and I snuggled up into the comfy chest nook, gave his chest a little kiss and he kissed the top of my head and we fell asleep.

This morning was precious, I woke about 5am and was just laying there snuggled up thinking; about 15 minutes later he woke up and slowly moved his head and neck around to get a look at my face and said “you’re really not happy are you”. I just closed my eyes and shook my head. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug; and reminded me that work isn’t the real world and in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter. I don’t get upset when a stranger from Kalamazoo leaves me a comment on my blog calling me a ugly whore so why should I get upset over what strangers at work thinks?......The guy makes a good point.

He then tickled me to get a smile and suggested we go out for breakfast, I reminded him it was 5:30am on a Sunday so going out for food wasn’t happening so he said “well let’s make breakfast then”. We went down stairs and got covered in flour while making bacon and pancakes and then cuddled up on the couch watching old time cartoons on YouTube.

Sometimes all you need is a dear friend to put things in prospective and to pull you out of your funk and luckily I have some awesome friends and some pretty awesome readers too.

Love you guys,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxoxo

Relationship Or Mind Blowing Sex

Someone asked me the other day would I kick Merlin out of bed for Sparky; which caused my brain to get stuck in a logic circuit nearly resulting in it blowing up

The problem my brain faced was I like Merlin, he is the sort of low maintenance guy I’m after; he is for the most part un-blog worthy. Sparky on the other hand is hot....and hot. I don’t want to date him or even cuddle with him, to quote A Million Little Brains it’s like my vagina is possessed. The man just needs not to be in clothing.

So this raises the question would you chose amazing sex over a relationship?

I have no actual knowledge of either man’s bedroom performance; this is purely speculation on my part but one gives off the paint by numbers lover vibe and the other well.....the good luck walking in the morning vibe. Which is strange because it’s a well known fact good looking men tend to be rubbish in bed but I’d bet otherwise in this case.

My brain struggled with the question for a very long time...once again my vagina was possessed so logic wasn’t really a factor in any of this however now Merlin seems to have warmed up a little and doesn’t seem so scared, paint by numbers or not, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for Sparky. I might pretend he was Sparky but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.

It did however take me over a week to come up with an answer so I have to ask would you choose mind blowing sex over a relationship? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Return of the Creepy Lay

After finding out Merlin is as good as gay and the constant sibling-esque torture from Will and Kate (I may be being over dramatic…ok I am being over dramatic) I made the decision to get in contact with a guy who I know isn’t as good as gay; Pete, Pete the Painter.

I met Pete 3-4 years ago, at a local pub. I fell in lust straight away, he was cute, a little quiet but he was all smiles and joking with his friends. Oddly enough I think he’s the only guy in history I’ve made the first move on. He was at the bar; so I downed my drink and headed to the bar myself. I made a little small talk and by the time I went back to my table I had his phone number.  

A few weeks later I saw him in the pub again so I sent him a text message, and we text back and forth and then he told me it was his birthday. I wished him a happy birthday and he texted back asking where his birthday kiss was. So, later that night, I met up with him away from our friends and gave him his birthday kiss.

We hung around together for maybe 4 or 5 months; he was just the sort of guy I go for, well spoken, looks presentable, a little quiet but a good conversationalist, and most importantly he could make me laugh.

He sounds perfect, right? That’s what I thought until I slept with him. I am not going to go into graphic detail here but he liked eye contact and by that I mean constant you can’t look away or close your eyes, eye contacted. If you broke said eye contacted, he’d stop. It was the strangest, most creepy sex ever. After that night I choose not to see him again.

However after the Merlin fiasco I figured why not go for another guy that has “THIS IS GOING TO END BADLY” written all over him. And who knows, maybe since our last encounter he’s learned how not scare women he’s currently in.

That’s wishful thinking on my part isn’t it? Could you over sleep with someone like that? And what is the strangest kink you’ve come across? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Merlin and Sperm

Never let it be said I’m a cold hearted bitch, because I actually feel bad for referring to “The New Guy” (who I will now be calling Merlin) as “emotionally detached”. That was a poorly thought out turn of phrase.

Merlin is not emotionally detached, he is a little tightly wound and possibly has a stick up his ass but emotionally detached was an unfair comment. However I am still unsure if he actually posses a sense of humour or not. I’m leaning towards not.

None of this actually matters because William was withholding crucial information about Merlin from me. The first thing he failed to tell me is there is already a woman laying claim to Merlin's penis. And the second and fatal blow that William neglected to inform me of is Merlin has an Arthur. Or in terms anybody who isn’t inside my head would understand he has a child!

I do not date men who have proven there sperm to be functional. It’s part of my safe sex plan. Birth control, condoms and a reasonable chance the man I’m with is shooting blanks! Call me crazy, but it’s worked for me so far.

However William seems to think by ruling out all men who are responsible for successful ovum landings I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. So I have to ask; would you date someone who has a child? And do you think I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always stay and play (especially play) safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Fatal Attraction Flaw

I just got home from another night shift and instead of doing the smart thing and getting some sleep I’m lying here analyzing my thoughts.

I’m not sure if I told you about Kate, but she a woman from work that is on a mission to find me a guy. And despite there being some not horrible options around I find myself wanting the one guy who has “THIS IS GOING TO END BADLY” written all over him.

He kind of reminds me of The Grinch and we all know how that story ended. That should really be the only warning sign I need but my brain is apparently immune to logic.

So instead of doing the logical thing it wants to separate a man, who is emotionally detached, possibly missing his sense of humour and has said maybe 10 words to me in the 2 weeks I’ve been there, from his clothing.

And now instead of sleeping I’m laying here trying to work out what my brain’s motives are. I mean he’s cute but he isn’t the cutest and he doesn’t tick the makes me laugh box, he isn’t “datable” .......and literally as I typed that it hit me....“Mr. X syndrome”.

Any girl will tell you there is something hot about a guy playing hard to get. There is something about the chase and the progress and then the reward that is just alluring. But like a lot of people, I have a long history of getting bored with the reward once I catch it. So by picking an unattainable guy like this new one or previously Mr. X I can’t get bored because I can’t catch it. It’s like I’m playing a game that is rigged against myself; and yes I’m aware how fucked up that is.

I was going to end this post by saying something about love being blind and lust being logic-less but it appears that there actually is some logic, it just happens to be twisted logic.

And before you ask I’m not actually sure what makes the new guy unattainable; it’s just the vibe I’m getting. I guess that can be the question of the blog what makes a person unattainable and have you ever caught the unattainable? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Soft Spoken

“You’re spoken, not that that’s a bad thing but you are” – William         

 “I think you scare him”. –William

Forgetting for a second that I am not “soft spoken” when the hell has a soft spoken person scared anyone, ever, in all of history?

The guy in question can be scared of me, I don’t care; most men are. I’m a blogger and that’s not a selling point. It’s like trying to sell a house next to an airport. I understand that, well I don’t, but accept it. It takes a certain kind of person to deal with it. 

But the guy in question doesn’t know that about me. And since 3 different people at work have called me “soft spoken”, which is 50% of the people I can actually name, how do I scare anybody? Especially someone I’ve never had a proper conversation with?

Maybe he’s a mind reader......we all know my mind is a scary place. Scary but awesome I might add.

I don’t really care; I was just bemused by the fact a soft spoken person could be scary. So you tell me, can a soft-spoken person be scary? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo