The Larry Theory

The week of daily blogs continues, well, we’ll see if this lasts a week but that is the aim. Last night at work wasn’t too bad, I’m pretty over it and have normalized again… my body language is still a wee bit off, but its minor shit like my toes are pointed the wrong way… and to be fair, I wear steals so nobody but me would know that.

I wanted to talk about the theory one of my long time reads had on why I didn’t click that I might have feelings for Larry.

She’s sent me a message saying give my long history of falling into relationships, and being the last to know when I’m in one, she's not surprised the feelings didn’t register because that wasn’t my focus. I was focused more on the character, humor and personality traits. All the other stuff was secondary and not relevant until Miss Pippi whore stockings showed up.

I kind of think that theory proves once and for all you’ll a lot smarter than I am. I thought a lot about this yesterday before I went to bed and looking back on my dating history; she’s not wrong. We all know I am the last to know when I’m in a relationship; I tend to read it on Facebook or back in the day Myspace. A lot of my exes have been friends that have turned into more. I sure as hell wasn’t looking to bang them from the offset. But for the most part they were solid relationships while they lasted, largely because we had that solid friendship ground work.

The theory seems highly plausible to me, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m sure you will let me know. I think I’ll make that your question of the blog; is friendship, then a relationship a good thing or a bad thing? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay, and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Awkward

It would appear my “The Story of Larry” post did its job, I actually feel better. My mind doesn’t feel like a shaken snow globe anymore. I almost feel like me again…. Almost. I still feel a little awkward, but that might be for another reason.

I had a “fuck it” moment and gave up my URL to Larry. Actually, what happened was Mr. X messaged me, I took that as a sign and now he’s a one of my readers. That sounds just as bad written out as it does in my head. I’m comforted by the fact Mr. X handled it so well, proving it is at least possible for it not to go up in flames.

Last night was my first time seeing him since everything and to his credit he seemed alright. His body language was a little off, but mine was on the different planet so I can’t talk. I think the worst part is thanks to script writing and acting classes I’m painfully aware it’s off… and I still can’t fix it. Luckily I managed to keep myself busy so at least I could hide a lot of the awkwardness.

Tonight on the other hand is going to be a test; one I don’t like the odds of me passing. I have Larry and Pippi together to deal with. I’ll be honest, the thought of that is keeping me awake. To be fair, it’s more not knowing how I’ll react that’s stressing me. Since I don’t know how I feel, my reaction is surprise to everyone…including me, which is a fucking nightmare. At least I can brace myself if I know I’m likely to react. This, this is a guessing game…… and I don’t like games.

Anyways, I’m going to go and pounder over a comment I received about a theory on why I was clueless regarding my feelings for Larry. I shall report on that one. But before I go I have this question for you; Will Larry reading my blog end badly for me? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Story of Larry

I promised in my last post to explain the whole Larry situation and I figured I better do this while I have the clarity of the weekend and before new events add to the craziness already going on inside my head.

Let’s start with who Larry is. He is a 29 year old, father of one, lorry driver come office monkey who works on night with me. He is genuinely a nice guy, with a great sense of humor. He isn’t afraid to make an ass out of himself in the name fun. He is also a shameless gamer geek, who loves North American culture. He’s exactly like the guys I hangout with when I’m at home. He is just an all-round good guy.

I’ve gotten to know both him and the other gentleman on night pretty well over the last month. I’ve managed to spend a couple of nights just sitting with them learning the ropes. Fortunately, we’ve all gelled quickly and have been able to have a lot of fun swapping stories and sarcastic jabs.

The only problem I have with Larry is, over a very short period of time, he’s learned to read me like a damn book. The Supervisor was the same with me and I hate it because I can’t seem to get away with anything. And the worst part is, he seems to know when I’m not being completely honest with what’s bugging me. That’s not good, especially when I don’t know what’s up or what’s up is him.

You see, the other day at work he was the problem, or at least part of the problem and you can bet your sweet ass I was going to admit that, and he wasn’t buying what I was telling him. But, I was only not telling him the whole truth because how do you tell someone your mind is melting down mode because you think you may like them?

And I use the word think, because even now, I’m not completely sure, I mean everything was fine and normal of minute and the next crazy land. I don’t know when or how or why this happened and it’s completely thrown me for a loop or 12.

I’ll be very honest here; I’m struggling to verbalize what happened, largely because I don’t want to admit it and partly because I handled it poorly, and in a very non me way, and I’m kind of ashamed of that. But I know if I don’t write this, it’ll haunt me and I’ll never move past it, and things will be forever weird so here it goes.

There is this female driver at work, I’ll call her Pippi. Larry has a bit of a crush on her. A couple nights ago when she finished her shift, she hung around chatting. We were having a laugh, a joke and then it started to appear that she might have a thing for Larry as well. Which, in theory, is fine. He’s a good a guy he deserves someone special… In theory, in reality she was stood telling about her friends who she introduced to this guy she liked and now her friend and this guy live together and all I was thinking was “you fucking bitch, and now you’re going that to me.” Which was weird because I don’t know why I'd be thinking like that so I just kept a smile and tried not to let it phase me… hell what’s one crazy thought in a female brain right.

At some point I had to go and get on with some work, so she moved over and started chatting with Larry, making it, at least to me, clear she’s interested in him and that didn’t sit well with me. That said, I’m protective of all my guy friends so I didn’t read a whole lot into that. I stayed quiet and got on with some work.

Then I had to interact with him, and instead of the normal playful, sarcastic exchanged, I got mean, and I think I even physically pushed him away at one point. Which is unacceptable and not like me at. I can only think of one reason why I would have acted that way…. Jealously, and one would assume if jealously an issue is, there’s a reason why.

I was a little bit confused by own reaction, and in an act of damage limitation and to honor girl code, I completely backed off, I spent the rest of the night at my desk, I just kept myself to myself. Apparently I backed off too much though, because Larry questioned what was wrong with me, I gave a reason but he wasn’t really buying it. But, I’ll give him his dues he still did make a point of trying to cheer me up.

The drive home that night sucked, I had to fight to keep it together; I actually felt physically sick. And when I finally got home, I lost it. I’m not sure why; whether it was the confusion, or the feeling that I lost or never had a chance. I mean there is no competition between Pippi and me, she wins every time.

The following night at work was awkward to say the least; I just didn’t know what to do with myself. The reason I had been hiding behind wasn’t there so I had to keep it together a pretend everything was fine, which is easier said than done when your brain is still trying to make sense of the previous day’s events. I thought I was doing ok…. Until the other guy I work with on nights asked me if I was ok and, for the real reason I was upset the night before. I just stuck to my story and I think bought it or at least decided not to push it.

Now it’s the weekend and I have to sort of this mess so I can go into work Monday and be normal. And not react to what may happen and by that I mean, him banging her because in the grand scheme of things, I loose and I have to be ok with that… and if I’m not, I have to fake it.

Anyways, this blog is way longer than I planned and it didn’t help nearly as much as I would have hoped, but it does give you guys some background for the next time I break down and completely snap because something tells me that will happen, it’s only a matter of time.

I am going to go and get some sleep and pray that when I see Pippi and Larry together Tuesday, I managed to at the very least, keep my damn mouth shut as to not make things worse than they already are. I mean, at the end of the day I have to still work with him. But, before I go, I must leave you with a question because that is the law here. How do you deal with rejection? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

New Job, New Boys

I’ve been at the new job 2 months now and for the record, despite some of my old co-workers fears I really am enjoying it. I’m starting to find my feet and almost know what I’m talking about, it’s seems to be going well.

The other perk or the new job is a lot of new men, which sounds better than the reality of it. Most of them are too young, or too old, or too married or too gross. Despite being surround by men all night it really is slim pickings.

That said; slim pickings doesn’t mean no picking and I’m me so, yeah, I’ve managed to find two to make my life needlessly more complicated than it has to be.

Guy number 1, who I am yet to come up with an appropriate blog name for, pursued from the end of my first week. He messaged me, and we got chatting which all seemed harmless enough (isn’t that always the case?) Then he started talking about his penis and the harmlessness became a distant memory.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice enough guy, but he is a walking, talking red flag and I’m not interested in risking my reputation for what would be just a hook up or at most a fuck friend situation. He has way too many issues going on to be what I’m looking for right now.

Then we have guy number 2 who I’m going to call Larry for blogging sake. Larry is an interesting story, I didn’t know Larry was even a thing until the other day. I’m still not sure he’s a thing, that’s going to take some writing and probably some drinking to figure that out. And since it’s currently 8am we’ll address that issue in another blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t take this job to troll for men and I tend not to get mixed up with the guys I work with anyways. But the harmless flirting has always been a plus. It makes the night less dull and it distracts when things are going horribly wrong. This job is kind of missing that. At least right now, its early days I guess.

Anyways, you pretty people, I am going to go and get ready for my lunch date with the gay husband and then probably write that Larry blog since I suspect drinks will happen at lunch. But before I go, I must leave you with a question; do you always know you have feelings for someone straight away? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Content

I’m pretty sure you’ve all been wondering where on earth I have been lately. Not only have I been missing from the writing world, but I’ve also been AWOL from social media too, which really isn’t like me. I’m sure the assumption is it has to do with my new job and well that has been a factor that isn’t the main reason I’ve been gone.

The main reason I’ve been gone is, I’ve been content; and I really didn’t want to disturb that balance. I think it was Ernest Hemingway that said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” And that no truer than in the blogging world, as many of you know. You sit down and pour your heart and soul into what you’re writing and in doing so, you dig and sir emotions you didn’t even know you had.

I was in a place where I didn’t want to dig, I just wanted to be and enjoy the moment. I’m not stupid, I knew at some point the bubble would burst and I’d have to deal with the under the surface stuff. But until that happened, I was good.

They say, “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” And boy is true. I find after a while of not writing my brain become a jumble and my ability to understand my own thoughts and feelings is affected. It’s almost like I’ve been doing this so long I need to read back my thoughts to know how I feel or what I want. It sounds crazy and probably is but that’s just how it is.

Writing is my coping mechanism. It’s how I prevent my crazy woman brain from making me bat shit crazy and making me react in ways that can only end badly. It’s that outlet to work out feelings and thoughts, that make only be temporary, but been to be said to be dealt with so life can move on. Writing is my sanity and as much as I enjoyed temporary contentment….long term sanity is probably better.

So that is where I’ve been, you lovely people. I’d love to say I’m back full time, but I can’t promise that at the moment, but I am back; and boy do I have a few stories to share. I am going to go and enjoy this rare day off, but before I go I must leave you with a question. How do you make your brain a less crazy place? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

 xoxoxo

Faking OK

I’m sure we’ve all been there; you let thing after thing build up until inevitably you crack, probably because some considerate jerk asks you if you’re ok. And inevitably instead of explaining what is actually wrong; you go with the most obvious or least complicated answer. This inevitably leads to you having to pretend to be ok, when you’re probably not, in order to keep up the illusion that all that was wrong was that uncomplicated, super obvious thing. When in reality nothing feels alright and all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

That about sums things up with me right now. I’m faking ok, I’m fighting to be ok, but in reality everything kind of feels awkward and forced.

I kind of lost it at work yesterday; a little thing here, a little thing there and then a not so little thing followed by a minor thing and then that inevitable question and I broke. Now, because we’re all friends here we know it was that "not so little thing" I was reacting to. But that was/ is complicated and not even straight in my own head at this point so clearly when asked I went for the simple answer.

That was all well and good until I had to go into work last night and pretend life is all rainbows and unicorns and pretend all my problems were solved. When in reality I’m going to have to sit here writing for 12 hours to even begin to wrap my head around the issue…. Or at least to figure out what to do with the issue; I know what the issue is. Or at least I think I do.

To try and keep up the illusion, I found myself repeatedly asking myself the question “what would I be doing” and forcing myself to go do those things; Feeling incredibly awkward and unnatural in the process.

Now I’m kind of at a lost on what to do? Do I fess up to what was really bothering. Even though I haven’t worked through all the details myself. Do I keep pretending until everything feels right again? Will it feel right again?

I’m in a one of the those loops where I just need to write and see what answers my brain comes up with, that said, I don’t even feel safe in doing that right now because I have a co-worker on the hunt for this blog and…. Talk about complicated.

Anyways, you gorgeous people I am going to go, and well, edit and post this since I’ve been AWOL for far too long, I promise to explain that at some point too but before I go I must leave you with a question. How do you fake being ok? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

 xoxo

The Glamour Summer Edit

 I woke up this morning to the arrival of my Latest In Beauty – The Glamour Summer Edit box, since it’s been a few months since I’ve done an unboxing and because despite receiving a load of subscription boxes I was really excited about this one I thought I’d share it.

When I opened the box the first thing I saw was the temporary tattoos. This is a throwaway item to me. I know they’re all the rage right now and a completely valid thing to include. However, I’m an adult (apparently), and these remind of being kid and getting them as a prize at the bottom of a cereal box and to be honest, I didn’t like them then.

The next item was Eucerin SPF 30 Facial Sun Cream; it’s a summer box and SPF is important so I can’t complain. It’s not super exciting, but I’ll definitely use it. 

Balance Me, Super Toning Body Polish is the next item in this box. Like the sun cream, it’s not overly exciting, but useful. If you want you tan to last it’s important to exfoliate. Since I work nights and I’m pretty sure the sun in a myth, I like to help any tan I do get, to last as long as humanly possible, since I never know when I may see the sun again. Smell wise, it’s a little herbal for my liking and also after swatching it, it doesn’t feel all the gritty so we’ll have to see how well this actually works. 

 The next item is the L’Occitance Shampoo and Conditioner. Shampoo and conditioner isn’t normally something I’m happy to see in a subscription box. but this is L’Occitance we’re talking about here. It’s a very high end brand. My only problem with it is the smell, I had to give away a hand cream that worked fantastically because I wouldn’t get over that overly masculine smell. I’m just hoping the smell doesn’t linger in my hair.

Vita Liberata – Trystal Minerals is the next item in the box. Unlike some of the other items, this is both exciting and frighten. It’s a self-tanning bronzer. You apply it like a normal bronzer and throughout the day it develops into a natural looking tan that last up to 5 days… or so it claims. 

 

 Next up we have Caudalie – Divine Oil; I’ve never tried this before, but I haven’t met a Caudalie product I don’t like so I’m excited to give it a go. It doesn’t have the classic Caudalie smell, it smells kind of like baby oil, but that won’t stop me from giving it a go.

Pixi Glow Tonic is next up, this is a cult classic that I’ve been waiting to try for forever, but Pixi products are hard to come by in the UK. It’s a tiny sample only 15ml but it doesn’t make me any less excited. It’s meant to tighten, tone, exfoliate and leave you with a glow, we’ll see if it does any of what it claims, but I’m sure it’s a cult classic for a reason. 

 Next up is Bourjois – Colour Boost in 04 Peach on the Beach. I like the formula, it’s very moisturizing. The colour on the other hand isn’t my favourite. It’s a pretty coral colour, but I try to avoid them. I find coral colours tend to make my teeth look yellow and that’s just not a cute look.

The final item in the box is this Nails Inc Gel Effect nail polish in Uptown. I’d be more excited for this item if I hadn’t bought 2 nail polish this week in a very similar colour. That said, I love Nail Inc nail polish, its good formula that normally lasts on me. So I can’t really complain. 

Overall I’m really impressed with this box. At £17.99 it seems like a fair price for everything you get. Yes some things aren’t super exciting but minus the tattoos everything in the box is useful. Plus you get some high end brands which is always a good thing.

So let me know what you think about LIB’s latest offering in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo