Uncertainty

This might be the first time in a long time I’ve blogged because I’ve needed to blog rather than blogging because I want to, and am trying to get back into the habit because I miss you guys. At the end of the day we’re one big dysfunctional family here and crazy needs crazy.

Uncertainty is the theme of this blog as I’m sure you can tell since…..you can read; and there seems to be a lot of it in my life right now. And I’ll let you in on a little secret, I don’t like it. Inside my head is crazy enough, I don’t need the thing around me to follow suit, that’s too much crazy…nobody needs that much crazy.

Uncertainty number 1 is my job; it was announced Monday that the site I work at is being closed down and presumably relocated. I say presumably because nothing has been announced, but truck driver’s gossip more than teenage girls and we’ve been aware of new site in the works for several months.

The problem I have is the new site is about an hour and a half away. So an hour and half there, 12 hours at work, an hour and a half back, two hours to get ready for work, 2 hours to fall asleep after work ……if math isn’t your thing let me help you out, that leaves 5 hours. This bitch gets bitchy when she doesn’t get her beauty sleep. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you already, “she gets bitchy when she does get her sleep too”. ….charming.

Problem 2 is I crazy ex-girlfriend stalked my company online and I can’t find an application for an operator’s licence for the alleged new site anywhere. Which is worrying me…. A lot. No licence, no job, it’s as simple as that.

I am a little reassured by the fact that if there is a new site, my supervisor is leaning towards going. I don’t want to work under someone else, (that sounded a little wrong) I’m finally in a position where I can build on my knowledge and possibly move up. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m working with the best person to help me. I may wholeheartedly disagree with his decisions at times (which is how I know it’s time to think about moving up) but I’m not going to find anyone better suited to teach me. ……Shhhh if you listen carefully you can hear his ego growing.

I do have the advantage of not being tied to my current location, but A) There has to be another site for that to work and B) my pay would have to go up to match the standard of pay at that location.

The other major uncertainty is the “not boyfriend” as I call him. Barney and I have been dating nearly 4 months at this point and we’re…well…uncertain. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, we’re not seeing each other enough to get to that point…yet the desire on both parts to get to that point is there, but it’s not going to happen anytime soon and by soon I mean this side of 2014.

Part of me thinks my best bet is to cut my losses and run and the other part is brainwashed by a man I never get to see but really wants to. I don’t know what it is with this guy, I’m immune to guy bullshit normally; even with Mr X I was able to call him out of his bullshit. This guy’s bullshit has mutated for the pure purpose of slipping past my defenses and it’s driving me crazy!

And I’m sure it’s driving me crazier than it otherwise would if it wasn’t for all the uncertainty at work. It feels like I don’t know anything right now. I don’t know if I have a job, If I'm going to have to find a new job, if I I’m going to have to move, if it’s worth moving, if there will be any staff left when we get to the new site, if there will be a new site, I don’t know when I’m going to know any of this, I don’t know when I’m going to see my not boyfriend, when I’ll hear from him, if he’ll ever be more than that, do I want him to be more than that…….hell I’m not even sure I know my damn name right now!

I don’t like uncertainty, I like to know where I stand and right now it feels like I’m standing on quicksand reaching for a one armed monkey swinging from a tree.

Anyways, that’s enough of…whatever that was. I need to go get dressed and go vote because if you don’t vote you have no right to bitch and we all know I like to bitch. So I shall leave you with this question; what don’t you know that you wish you did? Let me know your answer to that and any thoughts you have on my mess in the comment box below and as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

A Surprisingly Nice Birthday

Despite my fears that my birthday was going to follow its normal trend and be horrible; it was actually very nice.

Because of a coworker's sudden “sickness” I ended up spending the first 6 or so hours of my birthday at work which oddly enough wasn’t so bad. The drivers were quick to stop moaning when they found out (which, if you’ve ever worked with truck drivers you’ll know is a miracle in its self”. Most wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug…. Admittedly, there were a few wondering hands, but who can blame them.

My supervisor was a sweetheart and got some non-alcoholic beers in so the shunter and the two of us had a drink to celebrate the start of my birthday. He also got me some Turkish delight and shortbreads which I may or may not be eating now for breakfast right now at 9pm. I give credit where credit is due and the man was a total sweetheart and actually made working on my birthday almost pleasurable.

I got home from about quarter past 7 had a mojito and snuggled up in bed to watch a little TV. About a half hour later I heard my phone go off and when I had a look it was a message from Barney saying “Happy birthday princess, hope you have a wonderful day x” I was more than a little shocked, I’ve made it more than a little clear to you all I really wasn’t expecting to hear from him at all. We had a little chat and then I went to bed.

I woke up about noon to message from Barney asking if I wanted to meet up for a drink later in the day, which nearly gave me a heart attack. Didn’t see that one coming, but of course I agreed. So at about 5pm I went to meet him at the pub for a few hours. It was lovely to get to see him. It was a much needed reminder of why I put up with everything I do.

After seeing Barney I came home and had a few drinks, dinner and of course I enjoyed my birthday cake. Then the gay husband came around and we got ready to go out for a few drinks with some friends.

The night out was entertaining, we drank, we danced, we gossiped and I had to explain the bruise on my boob to a room full men and dirty minded women, that weren’t believing the truth about how I actually got a bruise so I had a lot fun making up stories. If you want to know a giant penis did it from the inside out.

I got home about 4am, very drunk, had another drink, crawled into bed and slept until 19:00 today…. Impressive I know. However, thanks to my sleeping binge, I managed to wake up without any sign of a hangover so as birthday presents go that might be the best one I received.

Anyways, I’m back at work tomorrow, so I need to make myself look human and get some more sleep. So I guess I should leave you with a question, what was your favorite birthday surprise? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Birthday Weirdos

I’m going through one of those phases where everything that is hitting me on me…..shouldn’t be. It’s gotten
to the point where I’m starting to wonder if it’s not them, it’s me. Am I giving off some form of loser homing signal I’m not aware of?

Forgetting the strange Mr X incident, in the past week I’ve been hit on by not one, but two married truck drivers, a guy I used to flirt with many moons ago, an ex and today joining the pack of weirdos CM has made a reappearance.

What the fuck?

It’s always flattering to get hit on but when the quality of guy is as low as it has been you start to wonder if it’s more of an insult than a compliment.

CM’s reappearance was unexpected if you remember that far back, CM was in a 3 year relationship with someone else when we had our fling. Then I decided he had too many deal breakers and had to break things off. He informed me today, he has finally broken up with his girlfriend. That’s all well and good for him, but it doesn’t change anything, yes, he has one less deal breaker now but he still has far too many to overlook.

Plus, I’m spoken for… sort of. There are no titles with Barney and I yet so theoretically I’m single but I’m not about to play that game. Although I wish he'd realize I’m a woman in high demand (even if it’s by weirdos) and make a make a little more time for me.

The guy is trying and I see that and I appreciate it but its slow going and I turn 27 today; I’m not getting any younger. I’m not about to cry that my biological clock is ticking but I do want to settle down one day and I don’t want to look back and regret wasting my time on someone who couldn’t even spare a minute of his weekend to send me one lousy text message.

That’s my life right now, getting old and being unloved, or at least being unloved by anyone worth being loved by….. I hate my birthdays. They always seem to be the most depressing day of the year. Maybe because I’m always single for my birthday and I’m so far away from home, I just can’t help but feel alone or maybe it’s because getting old just sucks I don’t know. Maybe that’s the question of the blog; do you like your birthday? Why or why not? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Facebook Post

After two days of not hearing from the man I’m meant to be in some form of a relationship with I posted this image to my Facebook wall as a gentle hint. On day 3 while I was at work I spotted a Facebook notification on my phone. When I looked at it, I couldn’t control my mouth from yelling “You cock” a little stunned, my supervisor asked what was up. I explained that I hadn’t heard from Barney in 3 days and the fucker just liked my post. No call, no email, no text just liked the fucking post. Needless to say I wasn’t in the slightest bit impressed. My supervisor on the other hand couldn’t stop laughing and repeatedly called him “fucking legendary”. My supervisor is an idiot.

I didn’t hear from Barney all day 4, day 5 I messaged him saying good morning, asking how his weekend was, being a Monday he messaged me back. It didn’t take him long to ask about the post. Apparently he felt it was a cheap shot because he feels guilty enough that he doesn’t have the time to message me or hang out as much as he’d like.

Forgetting the fact he clearly had the time to be on Facebook and like the post which doesn’t take any longer then typing and sending “good night”, how am I am the bad guy in this? It’s not like the good night thing is news to him, we’ve had this conversation… a lot. It shouldn’t really come as a surprise at this point. 

We managed to talk it out and he understands where I was coming from but the whole thing has left a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth. But I will leave the question with you, was I in the wrong? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Unavailable Men

So it’s been nearly 2 months since I last posted and the good night text message battle rages on. Lucky for him I’m pretty laid back because I’m pretty sure any other woman at this point would have kicked his ass. Hell, if this was any other guy I’m pretty sure I would have kicked his ass by now. But for whatever reason he seems to have a weird effect on me.

I may not be winning the good night battle, but we are talking a lot more throughout the day so it's making the good night battle seem less important, but he still isn’t messaging at all during the weekends and that's grating on me a little. It’s my birthday Saturday and I’m willing to bet I don’t hear from him at all. But if I want to see what’s there I guess that’s something I’m just going to have to deal with.

In other news Mr. X messaged me yesterday….yeah, I didn’t see that coming. It appears he’s been reading my blog and a few questions and a statement for me. His opener was “surely I don’t have a hold over you now?” Nothing like a simple opener eh? He followed that gem up with “I do regret that we never saw things through, you know? I wasn't fair on you with that and I apologise”. I hate to admit this but I shed a tear when I read that. Don’t get wrong, I’ve gotten over all this and have moved on but looking back at it all….it still hurts.

Mr. X and I have a strange relationship, there is a reason things went on as long as they did, we have spark and not just sexually.  We’re able to be very straight spoken and honest with each other even now so when he says “if I was ever alone with you again, I'd jump you” it’s not in itself shocking but its definitely unexpected coming from a now married man.  

Speaking of married men that evening I also got a message from one of my old drivers asking me out…..small problem he’s married. Larger problem for him I’m not interested.

I already have my own unavailable guy (admittedly at least these ones text, but still) and if I wanted one that wasn’t single well, I’d finish what I started with my supervisor…..who I may or may not have made cum on our boss’s desk, but that’s a blog for another day and also pre-Barney so no angry emails please.

I guess that brings me to the question of the blog; what makes married men hit on single ladies? And when was the last time one hit on you? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Limited Time and Weekends

The new guy I am dating (Barney) works away Monday –Friday and then come the weekend he has his son, so as you can imagine that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time to see each other, especially  when you figure in me working 4 on 4 off meaning for about 4 weeks I don’t have a weekend at all.  You would think this would bother me, but it doesn’t.  

The only thing that bothers me is the lack of commutation on the weekends. We can go all weekend without even a single text and as much as I hate to admit it, that saddens me.  If I do say so myself, I’m a fairly low maintenance girlfriend, I don’t need a lot in a relationship to be happy, but I do like the odd text message and I particularly like a good night message.

For me a good night message is special; when I’m snuggled up in bed I tend to miss my partner more and getting that message that that person is thinking about me too is special and always puts me to sleep with a smile on my face.

I’m actually sitting here looking forward to going back to work tomorrow; just so my mind is preoccupied. This is weird for me, I actually find myself missing him throughout the day (not just when I’m lying in bed with nothing better to do) and I find myself smiling like an idiot when we get off the phone or he sends a sweet message. This is all….not me and weird. It’s freaking me out a little if I’m honest.

I suppose I should leave you wonderful people with a question, so I have to ask; what is important to you in a relationship when you don’t get to see each other very often? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Talking Dirty and Hang Ups

I don't normally do this but lets start with the question of the blog; what are your thoughts on talking dirty? Turn off, turn on, can you do it sober or do you need a drink? I'm dying to hear your thoughts on this.

It's a well known fact I can't talk dirty sober, for whatever reason it makes me giggle uncomfortably. It's just not something I am able to do. And I'm probably not much better drunk in all honesty, but when everyone involved is drunk who's to say?

I bring this up because I had another date with Barney last night and it turns out he is very much a dirty talker and well it's not really having the desired effect on me. And to add things he's very keen for me to join in and well..... That's not happening.

Let me preface this by saying I really like this guy and outside of the land of sex everything feels natural and easy. It's just in the bedroom things feel.... forced.

Part of it is my own hang ups and I know it, thanks to the epic shit show that was Mr. X  I'm more cautious and guarded and painfully adware things may not be what they appear. And as you can imagine, that uncertainty doesn't really pair well with great sex.

However, as I was writing that, it hit me just how much I must like this guy. I mean I've had sex since Mr. X, I've had good sex since Mr. X and none of this has been a problem. It's fear of everything feeling right and then on the turn of a dime everything changing, to find out it was nothing more than a physical thing from the beginning. It's that dishonesty I'm scared of. 

That could very well be why when he's saying "I want you to ride my cock" I'm thinking is that all you want? What if I don't? Are you going to leave? Are you going to vanish for months? And instead of feeling turned on by his dirty talk all I'm feeling is pressured. Which is weird because I want to sleep with him, it's not like I'm being pressured into having sex with him, but yet I feel pressured....and yes I'm aware I sound like a crazy person right now. 

I think this crazy person needs to go to bed before she over thinks things and ruins what hopefully could be a meaningful relationship with a great guy.....even if the sex isn't quite there yet. I mean sex isn't everything, right? And thankfully it is improving it's just a process..... hopefully not a long one. Anyways as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxxo