Nothing Goes to Plan

I am sure you’ve noticed I have back dated a few blogs in an attempt to catch you up on all the gossip. This post will be the details on all my dates with Hugh so far. I am writing this the morning after our 4^th date just to give you a little perspective.

Date 1: Drinks

This date was lovely when it finally got started, we went for drinks, followed by a lovely walk. And he kissed me on a bridge overlooking the water. He, however, did showed up 40 minutes late to it. Partly my fault, he was trying to calm down my nerves.

After Date 1:

I got put into quarantine after my step dad and the mom tested positive for COVID-19. Hugh and I continued talking and planning a date for my “Freedom Day”.

Right before our second date he sent me a message raising some concerns and double checking I was ok with us not having a relationship and just dating… no commitment. I responded back by telling him I was. He was clear from the start on what his wishes were.

Date 2: Pumpkins?

The second date was on my Freedom Day. The plan was to go around his to carve pumpkins. I got there, he started pushing my comfort level quickly. We know I am not body confident and his hands were everywhere. Let me say, it wasn’t distressful in anyway, it was just the vibe. But it was a lot…. Good though. The pumpkins didn’t happen, but other things did.

This was a little overshadowed by mom, who was in hospital at this point. I ended up freaking out in the middle of the night and crying on. Just what you want on a date. 

Date 3: Pumpkins

To change things up, he decided to come over and we’d carve those pumpkins at last. I was stressed about this date. Things between us were very easy, we have a lot in common, we’re able to laugh and joke. I love how things flow and just feel natural. And with everything going on I didn’t want that to change or be affected.

This date both sucked and was awesome. Early in the evening we got the news my mother passed away. I felt bad for Hugh it’s a strange place to put but he handled it well. And luckily for me that comfort held because I am positive, I would have fallen apart without him there. He gave me a reason to hold it together if that makes sense.  We went on with our evening and carved the pumpkins and watched a film.

I made a mistake that night and asked about other girls and he was honest and told me there were 4 and he had a date with another that upcoming Sunday. I thought as much, but it stung a little. I knew the score and I was happy with it, but…. She had a date, and I was struggling to get another lined up. 

Date 4: Jealous

At some point I gave in an admitted to Hugh, I was jealous. I should have been playing by fuck friend rules, but those can lead to trust issues and I like how easy things are with us, I don’t want to question everything he says. I am comfortable with him. I am actually starting to feel good about his hands on me. His response was to come over. And I am glad he did. After a few minutes of awkwardness. I settled into a nice place. We have a spark, and it was fun to explore that. And while I know he’s not after anything serious, right now this is fun, and I could use some fun. I trust him enough to not worry and to have my walls down, but I don’t feel completely vulnerable. Despite being a bit of playboy he’s a good guy.

Unless he calls things off with me today and which case, he’s a…

Anyways, that’s you guys all up to date now. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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When One Door Closes…

 October 11^th, the day after the worst soul-destroying date ever. I’d like to pretend I handed it well, I definitely didn’t. I cried… a lot. And to be honest, I didn’t get out of bed. I am not sure why that one hurt so badly but it did.

After many hours in bed, I nipped on to the site and noticed not only had he crushed my confidence, but he had also blocked me as well. To be honest, I got mad at that point, still teary eyes but mad. So, I did what any rational person would do… I went looking for a fight.

Cue Hugh; good looking guy, but just a picture, age, and location on his profile. In my mind he was bound to be a creep just after one thing, so I dropped him a message. And he messaged back. But to my surprise not with the standard “do you have anymore pictures”. He sent me a message that included facts from my profile. So, I kept messaging him, however, I was still a little confrontational and maybe blunter than I’d otherwise be.

Then he let it split he had joined 8 dating sites and that’s why there was no information on it. Yes, my friends, you heard that right…. 8. So I asked the question “are you just trying to get laid?”  He responded back with a reasonable answer about just trying to get back out there after a breakup. And since I was forced on the site by my gay husband, I get that.  So, the conversation continued. And continued some more and before he went to bed that night, he had asked me on a date for the following Saturday.

I am going to leave this here, and the next post will be our dates. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
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xoxo

Jake

About a month after Barrie disappeared (who for the record made it a whooping 12 hours after our 2nd date) Jake messaged me. Jake was fun to talk to, but he came with some warning signs; first he as younger than me and second he had a kid (which we all know, I just don’t do) but after having my confidence knocked I figured what the heck. 

October 10th, we arranged to go out for an evening in Nottingham. We booked hotels (separately) since the pubs close at 10pm we figured we’d want to hang out after and have some more drinks. The date was… Ok. We had no issues with conversation, but I didn’t think we would. There was one part of the date though, where he started showing me pictures of other girls that were messaging him from the site, which is never a good sign but, we carried on drinking and having a giggle and once the pubs closed we headed back to my room.

Once there we continued drinking and having a giggle. He then pulled me up to dance and kissed me. Things felt like they were back on track, turns out they weren’t. While kissing me his hands started to wander and started to touch me and out of the blue it stopped. He looked at me and said he should really be going and with that he left. It was like someone flipped a switch.

I was left alone in the room, both hurt and insulted. Given my previous confidence knock followed by this. I am not sure why I even ventured back into the dating world. Its horrible.

Anyways, I am off to write a few more of these posts since I am a little behind. What’s was your worst date. Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

My Head Is Spinning

Part of being a blogger is self-reflection and understanding. After a while (I've been doing this over well over years) you start to be able to almost psychoanalysis yourself, and to be honest, that sucks. My head is spinning and has been spinning since my date with Barrie, actually it's been spinning since halfway through my date. Where most girls would just blame the guy and put how she feels onto him. I can't do that, I know better. Yes, had things happened slightly differently, I likely wouldn’t be in this head space now. But I didn’t verbalise my needs and that’s on me. Guys, much as we hate to admit it, aren’t psychic and we shouldn’t expect them to be.

The issue is he knocks my confidence, not on propose. He’s just out of my league and I know it. So, sometimes I need a little reassurance, a reminder that I’m worthy or special enough for what my brain believes to be too good for. That night, on the date; I needed something. A firm hug, a hand hold, a hand on the leg, just something and I didn’t get it. And because it never came, my brain made me feel less. I was questioning why he was there, why he speaks to me, if this was it. In the end, I'd catch myself fidgeting, trying to distract myself from thinking, from worrying. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember any of the drive home. I could quite my brain, at all. Once again, this is all on me. This boils down to a confidence issue and not feeling worthy. Which, for the record, sucks to say out loud.

When I got home, and to my surprise, he was still messaging me. I was still looking for that reassurance, and shockingly, since I didn't ask for it, and as we established men are psychic, it never came. Yes, once again, I could try to place it on him. He could have played things differently and maybe I'd feel better. But how is he to know any of this going on in my head? We have a playful, banter filled relationship. He’s just being him. I am the one that’s off.

He's not to know, what damage is left for previous relationships. Nobody talks about that shit. Nobody goes, here’s my list of faults and quirks. Due to the whole Mr. X thing, I handle the gray area of dating before a commitment and exclusivity horribly. And who can blame me?  The guy I was in love with and who claimed to have felt the same way got married while we were in this stage. That, my friends, fucking stings. That said, I'm lucky. Most people are damaged in relationships. I am not. I have no unhealed scars there. Relationships are a breeze, I'm chilled. It’s getting there that turns me crazy and once again I'm painfully aware of why that is. It’s like I am the most sane crazy person ever.

Tonight, Barrie has gone out for drinks. I said harmlessly when I found out "have fun, just not too much fun." He responded back with "is there such a thing?". This hasn't helped my brain any. And it’s pissing me off, because I know in a relationship that sentence wouldn't have phased me at all. But in this stage, I'm writing a blog at work because I need the logical side of my brain to kick in. I have zero right to feel any way about anything he is or isn't doing. Yet, I'm positive he’s on a date. And I’m positive given the hour, he's fucking some girl right now. And clearly this makes me feel things. The stupid thing is I know had he said, "you have nothing to worry about." as a response instead, I wouldn’t even have given it a second thought. Again... this is a me thing. Like I said, I have no right to feel any way. He is not my boyfriend, we are not exclusive, he owns be no loyalty nor explanation. This boils back to me feeling like he's too good for me and questioning why anyone would want me let alone someone on his level. That’s a me problem.

Knowing this stuff sucks. Rather than lashing out, which might make me feel better. I have to look within and just deal with it and try to grow. I am a large part of the issue, it’s on me. I am responsible for how I react. No one else.

Anyway, I am off to wonder if the imaginary or non-imaginary girl is better in bed than me (I'm actually laughing about this now. It’s so silly... bet she's more in practice than me.) Have any of you felt like this?  Let me know your stories in the comments below. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Freaking Out

 

I am trying hard to keep my crazy at bay, but I am freaking out. And not just a little bit, but a whole bunch of crazy freaking-outness is boiling not even underneath the surface at the point. It’s peaking out and I am playing whack-a-mole with it.

Let me explain; I have a date with Barrie coming up, Sunday 23^rd to be exact. Putting aside that fact, I wasn’t expecting a date for our second date to be set yet, it kind of came out of the blue. The idea of this date has me nervous. The whole thing is atypical and has me on edge.

This isn’t a typical second date, we’ve been talking for almost 4 months. Which makes it weird timing to be having a second date. We’re comfortable with each other, we know a lot about each other and about each other’s routines, but we don’t know each other habits. We’re not where we should be, but we’re not where a typical second date would be either.

The other thing making this date feel more, something, is the fact we’ve booked a hotel. Which being 4 months into a “relationship” makes sense and is perfectly normal. However, we’re only at date number 2. With us being at a hotel, sex is the expectation or at least it feels like it is. And that’s nerve-racking. This is one place I prefer to go with the flow, it’s actually the only place I prefer that.

I am nervous about this date. Like when the hotel was booked, frozen in fear scared. I know it’ll be ok. And I am sure, like last time within minutes I’ll be at easy. That said, right now I am freaking out.

Anyways, I am off to chill out before I had back at work tomorrow. Before I go I will leave you with this question; Do you find 2^nd dates more stressful than first dates? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

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The Gray Zone

 

If you’ve been here a while the statement I am about to make won’t come as a surprise, but in case you’re new here; I don’t do the grey area well. I put this down to two things, OCD, I can’t stand to leave things unfinished. So being in the grey zone in a relationship plays on that. It never really got started therefor it can’t end. And second Mr. X.

Most people’s relationship trauma comes from bad break ups or bad relationships. I am lucky that I have no lasting scars from my past relationships. Yes, some were less than ideal, but I have made peace with all that. My scarring is in the grey zone. I have no trust in that zone, I am not confident in the zone… I feel vulnerable in that zone. It’s not a place I like to be and my ability to be in it is proving to be minimal. I am aware enough to know it’s not good for my mental health.

However, that OCD of not leaving things unfinished is a powerful bitch. I am at the point where I need to look at the Barrie situation, we’ve been going with the flow for 3 months and like I said I know it’s not good for me. I feel very unlike myself, and I need to get me back. But my head keeps telling me it’s not started so it can’t be done.

I swear I’ve done all the healing and self-reflexion I can from the whole Mr X thing, yet…. Clearly, I am still fucked up. That twat is actually going to land me in therapy at this rate. I

Anyways, I am going to go because I want to cry and that’s not going to happen today. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

 The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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Communication

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again for someone who makes a living (be it part time these days) writing words, I really suck at using them. And that’s not completely my fault, I am trained to swallow as much emotion as I can. Keep a level and put together appearance while not being ok in any shape nor form. So often I fail to communicate what’s going on, or how I am feeling and just brush off things that are upsetting me because that put together appearance is most important. And that, as you can imagine doesn’t tend to end well either.

A simple emotion like missing someone, or disappointment has a way of getting misinterpreted in all the “yeah, I am fine.” It gets perceived as grumpy or standoff -ish or bitchy. When that isn’t the case, at least to start with.

Let’s talk Barrie for a second; he recently said it would be a while before we got to see each again. Which obviously is fine, things happen, but it’s a little disappointing, I mean I do like the guy after all. My reaction to him is one of non-reaction. Clearly that’s not how I feel inside, but I am not about to show that because…. No. So I distanced. It’s easier to keep up appearances that way. He then assumes I am being grumpy and drops his “x’s” from the ends of his messages. I then got grumpy because I wasn’t grumpy in the first place, I was just missing that twat and then he stops talking to me. See the problem? My communication skills are amazing… and I can’t even blame it on verbal issues because this was all in text. And writing is meant to be the thing I am good at…. Someone send help… and alcohol.

This my dear friends is why I am going to die alone. I genuinely had a falling out with a guy because I missed him, and I wanted to see him.  Men of the world, I am sorry, you’re just screwed this is how twisted the female brain can be. There is no hope.

Anyways, I am off to drink because scientifically alcohol is in fact a solution. But before I go, I have this question for you, what is the stupid fight you’ve ever had with someone? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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