What Is The Endgame

I guess, I’m going to make this a weekend full of questions answered. I haven’t planned on answering this one just yet but, I’ve had a moment of clarity or maybe just a good night’s sleep and thought, fuck it. I’ve never been one to hold back, so why start now.

The question is what is the end game with Larry? What is the hope?

I don’t have an endgame with Larry, I think that would be a very dangerous way to look at things in this case. At the end of the day, I still have to have a relationship with this guy no matter what, so I can’t look at this as a one way street with a destination at the end. I’d end up miserable if I did that.  And if ending up miserable was the name of the game; I’d be in bed with the Penis Flasher now. But my happiness comes first so I’m not, that and because batteries are a thing.

As for what I’d like, that’s the harder question. And as frustrating as it is, it’s not one I have an answer for. I want to see what’s there, but I want to do that over time, and with as little pressure as possible. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Sometimes you just have to have faith in that.

I know that sounds like a cop-out, and maybe it is, but I’ll tell you like this. He isn’t what I normally go for. If I came across him online I’d pass; He’s smokes, he has a kid, there are other activities I don’t agree with. On paper, he’s worse than the Penis Flasher. But here’s the thing; after spending 40+ hours a week locked in the office with him I can tell you, he’s a wonderful human. He’s a lot of fun to be around, he’s super caring, he’s funny; He’s just an all-around good guy. And someone I enjoy spending time with.

Would I be heartbroken if there was more there? No. If he tried to kiss me, would I push him away? No. If everything stays exactly how it now, would I be heartbroken? No. I am more than happy to let this one play itself out.

That said, I hope he doesn’t end up with Pippi. Because how things are now, will change. I’ve already been given my orders on that one.

Anyways, I am going to go and get ready, I’m meeting up with some friends to work on a script today, I can’t wait it’s been a long time since we’ve all met up. But before I do, I have this question for you; does the relationship status matter? Let me know your thoughts and opinions in the comment box below. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Saturday Q&A

Happy Saturday; my hair is up, my makeup is off and I’m sat here in my pajamas ready to answer some of your questions. It’s been a while since I’ve done a Q&A and with the daily posts this week I’ve received more questions than normal, so let’s get started.

What ever happen to that other guy from work?

The simple answer is I killed him off. I don’t need the drama he’d bring in my life. I’m 28, I’m not looking to play games; I’m too old for that shit. I want simple, and easy. Something that feels natural. I want someone to enhance my life, not make me hate it.

That guy has more issues than playboy. His baggage is beyond what any girl should have to take on. As good as it would be for blogging sake, I’m too happy how I am to risk it with a sure fire failure.

How is Mr. X?

He’s good, enjoying marriage. He’s still a smart ass and a great voice of reason.

Are you worried your blog will change Larry’s opinion of you?

No; my only worry is he’ll react to something he reads. I don’t mind talking about things, but I don’t want to be yelled at for something that I may have felt for a second.

His opinion of me, does not concern me. That is solely his problem. I am, what I am and I’m not about to change for anyone. As long as we can work together, he can think about he likes.

Disregarding your feelings, given the fact you work together would you date him?

Yes, which is an answer I didn’t think I’d be saying. For some reason I think we’d be fine. A breakup is why you don’t date where you work, but his personality doesn’t lend itself to bitter ex so I think we’d ok.

Have you spoken to The Giant since starting the new job?

I’ve spoken to him a few times since I left. We’ve also gotten on well from the start so there’s not really a surprise there. Plus, he’s my flirting partner, when I need a pick me up, he’s there to creep on me and make things better.

Would you sleep with The Giant?

If life was simple and he was single, damn straight I would. But, it’s not simple and I’d like to not add homewrecker to my CV so probably not. As much as I’d like to.

What are your “Larry beliefs”?

I believe he’s banging Pippi Whore Stockings so clearly isn’t interested.

What if your belief is wrong?

Then sooner I’ll find out, he’ll say something or make a move and I’ll take things from there.

I think that’s enough questions for one day. I have one more to answer, but I shall save that one for later and give it a post of its own at some point.

This has been a lot of fun as they always but I am going to go and get some much needed sleep. I won’t leave a question today. I’m all questioned out. So as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

And Then A Rant Happened

I’m feeling pretty much how I figured I would today; tired, drained, pissed off and a little hungry, which is actually a good thing because minus two pieces of candy at work last night I haven’t eaten in at least 48 hours…. I envy people who can comfort eat. If I even try to eat when I’m upset I get sick.

I guess I picked a good day to be ticked off, I’ve managed to hide it behind being tired most of the night and admittedly a lot of it probably is that I’m over tired and cranky as all hell. But not all of it.

I’m still miffed at Larry for implying I was fishing for information on how he feels. Now, admittedly those words never left his mouth and that’s because I cut him off before he said words he couldn’t take back.

If I wanted to know how he felt, I’m fucking ask. I might do it drunk…. But I’d do it. As it stands this very minute, I don’t care! I believe I know where I stand, whether that matches reality or not is another matter, but I’m ok with my belief.

I’m Irate that someone would think I’m too chicken shit to answer the hard questions, I’ve been doing this nearly 15 years and I’ve built my reputation on being honest and open and saying the things we all think but never say. And to have someone even hint that I’d do anything other than that makes my blood boil.

You can call me ugly, you can say I’m a bad person, you can think I’m crazy…. I don’t care, just don’t mess with my blog. This is my baby, this is my outlet and this is my life.

And apparently a great way to flip my bitch switch…. Sorry about that. However, I feel a million times better. That’s part of the joy of blogging, intense emotion until you hit post and then you’re instantly over it… normally just in time to upset someone reading it.

Anyways, I need sleep and food, but mainly sleep, so I need to go. But before I do, my question for you; what flips your bitch switch? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Panic

God, it’s been years since I’ve had any sort of panic attack, but they’re still as horrible as I remember. And despite having claimed down, I’m still going to be a mess for hour. Nothing like a breakdown, with lots smoke on the side of a busy motorway to completely freak a person out.

I wasn’t having a good night before, evident by the fact that George, the other guy that works on nights, pulled me aside to ask if I was ok, and to say if I needed him, he was there. But that, that was the icing on a shit filled cake.

I’ve learned over the years, that when I have a panic attack I need someone to distract me, normally laughter will bring me out of it. However, at 06:30 in the morning, I’m pretty limited in my options. Given the fact I had just left work Larry was my first thought. He’s not my favorite person right now, but I’ll give him his dues he’s a funny guy and normally pretty good at cheering me up. Which, mad or not, when you feel like you’re going to die, is pretty helpful. However, I couldn’t get hold of him so I moved on to plan B. Waking up my mom, which I didn’t want to do because she’s sick, but I needed to, I was climbing the wall. I was losing rational thought quickly.

She quickly got me back to a place where I could think again and prevented me from doing anything stupid or dangerous, which at one point was a real possibility. Although shaken everything is fine…. Minus my car and my top that is currently soaked in tears.

I feel bad for anyone who deals with panic attacks on a regular basis, when I did my back I use to get them but not nearly this bad.  When I’m not in a great mind space I wear a necklace with my spirit animal on it, and when I’m worked up, I’ll rub it and try to focus on that and it meaning… works pretty well normally, does fuck all during a panic attack.

Kind of like Larry… that was humor not bitchiness. I’m sure he didn’t know quite how bad of shape I was in when I reached out. And I pray that nobody every sees me like that….I was beyond a mess.

Anyways, that was my rant, I’m going to go and cry for the next 2 hours because I have no control over that shit and I’ll speak you all tomorrow.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxox

The Larry Theory

The week of daily blogs continues, well, we’ll see if this lasts a week but that is the aim. Last night at work wasn’t too bad, I’m pretty over it and have normalized again… my body language is still a wee bit off, but its minor shit like my toes are pointed the wrong way… and to be fair, I wear steals so nobody but me would know that.

I wanted to talk about the theory one of my long time reads had on why I didn’t click that I might have feelings for Larry.

She’s sent me a message saying give my long history of falling into relationships, and being the last to know when I’m in one, she's not surprised the feelings didn’t register because that wasn’t my focus. I was focused more on the character, humor and personality traits. All the other stuff was secondary and not relevant until Miss Pippi whore stockings showed up.

I kind of think that theory proves once and for all you’ll a lot smarter than I am. I thought a lot about this yesterday before I went to bed and looking back on my dating history; she’s not wrong. We all know I am the last to know when I’m in a relationship; I tend to read it on Facebook or back in the day Myspace. A lot of my exes have been friends that have turned into more. I sure as hell wasn’t looking to bang them from the offset. But for the most part they were solid relationships while they lasted, largely because we had that solid friendship ground work.

The theory seems highly plausible to me, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m sure you will let me know. I think I’ll make that your question of the blog; is friendship, then a relationship a good thing or a bad thing? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay, and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Awkward

It would appear my “The Story of Larry” post did its job, I actually feel better. My mind doesn’t feel like a shaken snow globe anymore. I almost feel like me again…. Almost. I still feel a little awkward, but that might be for another reason.

I had a “fuck it” moment and gave up my URL to Larry. Actually, what happened was Mr. X messaged me, I took that as a sign and now he’s a one of my readers. That sounds just as bad written out as it does in my head. I’m comforted by the fact Mr. X handled it so well, proving it is at least possible for it not to go up in flames.

Last night was my first time seeing him since everything and to his credit he seemed alright. His body language was a little off, but mine was on the different planet so I can’t talk. I think the worst part is thanks to script writing and acting classes I’m painfully aware it’s off… and I still can’t fix it. Luckily I managed to keep myself busy so at least I could hide a lot of the awkwardness.

Tonight on the other hand is going to be a test; one I don’t like the odds of me passing. I have Larry and Pippi together to deal with. I’ll be honest, the thought of that is keeping me awake. To be fair, it’s more not knowing how I’ll react that’s stressing me. Since I don’t know how I feel, my reaction is surprise to everyone…including me, which is a fucking nightmare. At least I can brace myself if I know I’m likely to react. This, this is a guessing game…… and I don’t like games.

Anyways, I’m going to go and pounder over a comment I received about a theory on why I was clueless regarding my feelings for Larry. I shall report on that one. But before I go I have this question for you; Will Larry reading my blog end badly for me? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Story of Larry

I promised in my last post to explain the whole Larry situation and I figured I better do this while I have the clarity of the weekend and before new events add to the craziness already going on inside my head.

Let’s start with who Larry is. He is a 29 year old, father of one, lorry driver come office monkey who works on night with me. He is genuinely a nice guy, with a great sense of humor. He isn’t afraid to make an ass out of himself in the name fun. He is also a shameless gamer geek, who loves North American culture. He’s exactly like the guys I hangout with when I’m at home. He is just an all-round good guy.

I’ve gotten to know both him and the other gentleman on night pretty well over the last month. I’ve managed to spend a couple of nights just sitting with them learning the ropes. Fortunately, we’ve all gelled quickly and have been able to have a lot of fun swapping stories and sarcastic jabs.

The only problem I have with Larry is, over a very short period of time, he’s learned to read me like a damn book. The Supervisor was the same with me and I hate it because I can’t seem to get away with anything. And the worst part is, he seems to know when I’m not being completely honest with what’s bugging me. That’s not good, especially when I don’t know what’s up or what’s up is him.

You see, the other day at work he was the problem, or at least part of the problem and you can bet your sweet ass I was going to admit that, and he wasn’t buying what I was telling him. But, I was only not telling him the whole truth because how do you tell someone your mind is melting down mode because you think you may like them?

And I use the word think, because even now, I’m not completely sure, I mean everything was fine and normal of minute and the next crazy land. I don’t know when or how or why this happened and it’s completely thrown me for a loop or 12.

I’ll be very honest here; I’m struggling to verbalize what happened, largely because I don’t want to admit it and partly because I handled it poorly, and in a very non me way, and I’m kind of ashamed of that. But I know if I don’t write this, it’ll haunt me and I’ll never move past it, and things will be forever weird so here it goes.

There is this female driver at work, I’ll call her Pippi. Larry has a bit of a crush on her. A couple nights ago when she finished her shift, she hung around chatting. We were having a laugh, a joke and then it started to appear that she might have a thing for Larry as well. Which, in theory, is fine. He’s a good a guy he deserves someone special… In theory, in reality she was stood telling about her friends who she introduced to this guy she liked and now her friend and this guy live together and all I was thinking was “you fucking bitch, and now you’re going that to me.” Which was weird because I don’t know why I'd be thinking like that so I just kept a smile and tried not to let it phase me… hell what’s one crazy thought in a female brain right.

At some point I had to go and get on with some work, so she moved over and started chatting with Larry, making it, at least to me, clear she’s interested in him and that didn’t sit well with me. That said, I’m protective of all my guy friends so I didn’t read a whole lot into that. I stayed quiet and got on with some work.

Then I had to interact with him, and instead of the normal playful, sarcastic exchanged, I got mean, and I think I even physically pushed him away at one point. Which is unacceptable and not like me at. I can only think of one reason why I would have acted that way…. Jealously, and one would assume if jealously an issue is, there’s a reason why.

I was a little bit confused by own reaction, and in an act of damage limitation and to honor girl code, I completely backed off, I spent the rest of the night at my desk, I just kept myself to myself. Apparently I backed off too much though, because Larry questioned what was wrong with me, I gave a reason but he wasn’t really buying it. But, I’ll give him his dues he still did make a point of trying to cheer me up.

The drive home that night sucked, I had to fight to keep it together; I actually felt physically sick. And when I finally got home, I lost it. I’m not sure why; whether it was the confusion, or the feeling that I lost or never had a chance. I mean there is no competition between Pippi and me, she wins every time.

The following night at work was awkward to say the least; I just didn’t know what to do with myself. The reason I had been hiding behind wasn’t there so I had to keep it together a pretend everything was fine, which is easier said than done when your brain is still trying to make sense of the previous day’s events. I thought I was doing ok…. Until the other guy I work with on nights asked me if I was ok and, for the real reason I was upset the night before. I just stuck to my story and I think bought it or at least decided not to push it.

Now it’s the weekend and I have to sort of this mess so I can go into work Monday and be normal. And not react to what may happen and by that I mean, him banging her because in the grand scheme of things, I loose and I have to be ok with that… and if I’m not, I have to fake it.

Anyways, this blog is way longer than I planned and it didn’t help nearly as much as I would have hoped, but it does give you guys some background for the next time I break down and completely snap because something tells me that will happen, it’s only a matter of time.

I am going to go and get some sleep and pray that when I see Pippi and Larry together Tuesday, I managed to at the very least, keep my damn mouth shut as to not make things worse than they already are. I mean, at the end of the day I have to still work with him. But, before I go, I must leave you with a question because that is the law here. How do you deal with rejection? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo