Dead Inside

I’m starting to worry that I am slightly dead inside. I’ve spent years building walls and toughening up to become the strong woman I am today. Working in such a male dominate environment has really focused me to be less emotional and almost detached in order to be taken seriously and gain success. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always succeed in keeping my emotions in check, but it takes a lot for me crack these days.

With all that said; I think I may have done too good of a job. I know what I should be feeling regarding the whole Mr. X thing, yet I feel nothing. It’s like my brain hasn’t taken the information in. I’m not sure if it’s because every time he’s spoken to me, I’ve been at work or if I’m genuinely broken.

 I’m fairly switched off at work; I have a job to do and I get it done and once I leave it never happened. It’s a stressful job and I find that the easiest way to stay sane. So, I’m wondering if that’s why Mr. X hasn’t sunk it. He spoke to me at work, we had the needed conversation and I came home as if nothing happened.

 Either that or years of dealing with fuck-wit men has left emotional scarred and broken. Either, or really.

Anyways, I’m going to go and have a nap. But before I go I have this question for you; do you compartmentalize work and real life, or do you have a different way of dealing with stress? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

"I Miss You"

I’ve been a little baffled by my lack of reaction to this whole “I miss you” thing. And after a little thought; more than I’ve given the actual statement in all fairness, I think I understand why. I miss you is a very vague statement. In the grand scheme of things, it means almost nothing, and that’s probably why I’ve felt almost nothing regarding it.

I miss my old Corsa. I’m not going to do anything about it, the car is nearly 20 years old at this point and is long gone, but I miss it. It was a good car to me. That about sums up Mr. X’s statement. I’m broken down car with fond memories attached.

"I miss you" is so vague, what does it even mean? Does it mean anything? I suppose if I want these questions answered I should just ask Mr. X.

But, do I want them answered?

I feel I may be too sober for this conversation. Actually, I feel like I’ve been tricked into having a different conversation, one I didn’t want to have. Because you should never ask questions you don’t want the answer to. And I don't think the answer benefits me in any way. 

Anyways, I am going to go and… drink. I think drinking is the answer here. But before I do, I have this question for you; What does “I miss you” mean and do I want the answer? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Mr. X's Come Back

They say when women spend a lot of time together their cycles sync; after working in a male dominated industry for almost a decade I’m positive male cycles do the same thing. And before you a say anything, yes men have hormone cycles too. They just don’t bleed, they turn into whiny-ass bitches instead. And on my last shift this week, I swear 80 percent of my drivers were PMSing. It was a night from hell, and it wasn’t the work causing the stress, it was they guys and their attitudes.

While dealing with the headaches above, I look down at my phone and noticed Mr. X’s head popped up on Facebook. I figured what the hell, after the night I was having, what’s one more headache? I mean, I may as well deal with whatever he has to say while my night is already crap so I can enjoy my 4 days off in peace.

I look down and his comment was regarding my last post, which I figured it would be. He said he liked the post and that he swore he doesn’t try to torment me. I had two instant thoughts

 1)      If you liked it, I hope you clicked an ad.

 2)      Hmm, yeah you do.

I just replied back with “thanks” and waited for the ball to drop and it soon did. He came out with “Do you want me to be flat out honest with you?” Me being me and not really being fully in the conversation replied with “if you’d like.” He then said “I would” and then he did something he calls me out for all the time. He’d typed and deleted and typed and deleted. He eventually added “The only variable is: What do you want to know?”. 

Bearing in mind the night I was having, dealing with man-children; all I was thinking was “dude, you clearly want to tell me something. Just fucking tell me.” Admittedly, I thought it was going to go a different way than it did.  If you’ve been here a while you’ll remember the last time Mr. X had something to tell me, he told me he loved me and vanished for 6 months. I eventually replied with “Whatever you'd like to tell me.” A fairly nice response given my mind-set.

“I miss you”, was what he said next. Then he said he said to go and went.

The reaction in my head was a little detached to say the least, it was “bullshit you don’t say things just to torment me.” And then I went back to answering my phones at work.

I’ll be honest, it’s been 24 hours and I don’t think I’ve processed any of it. I came home from work yesterday had… a lot to drink, and went to bed. I woke up at 2am and wrote this. I think that might be my next post. I’ll sit down and write and let my brain figure everything out.

Anyways, that’s you up to date. And I need to go and get dressed and take my car in, hopefully it doesn’t cost me too much. But, before I go I have this question for you; do you think Mr. X says things just to torment me? Let me know the answer to that and any thoughts you may have in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Mr. X Baits Me

At this point I’m sure Mr. X baits me on purpose, he plots things to say that he knows will just niggle and eat at me and just lays back at waits for the show. And because I’m a dumbass I take the bait most of the time, and this time is no different.

I was talking to Mr. X a few weeks ago, and he came out with this line, “I always feel I get a more honest assessment of how you feel about me when my name is Mr. X” ….  I’m only human. I tried, But, how can I not bite at that one?

To Mr. X’s credit, he's right, despite him asking me flat out how I feel, I will never give him a straight answer. The most obvious reason for this is he’s married. I have a moral standard that I will not get involved in anyone else’s relationship. My feelings are none of his business.

The other reason is for own protection. As much as I have forgiven him and am thankful for how everything turned out. I haven’t forgotten. I was a mess for a long time and I can’t risk him putting me back in that space again. I’ve come a long way, but that man is dangerous. 

So why blog? I’m assuming that’s the question, or at least it would be mine.

The answer, unlike the Mr. X situation is simple, business. My Mr. X posts do very well. They are some of my highest viewed, most shared posts. I’m not sure whether it’s because people can relate or if they just enjoy knowing someone’s love life is more messed up then theirs, but they read nonetheless so I continue to write. And to be fair writing is cheaper than therapy, so I don’t mind.

I guess the question  remaining is how do I feel? And I don’t really have a good answer for that question. Do I think about him from time to time? Yeah. Do I wonder how things could have been? Of course. Do I wonder if there is a future? Once in a while, mainly when I’m stupidly drunk. Do I still have feelings for him?  I’m sure on some level I do, but at this point they’re so buried even I can’t be sure, nor am I sure I really want to know. A bit of shitty answer I know, but it's the truth... maybe I'll do a drunk post one day and we'll all find out the answer together. 

Anyways, that’s me done, I am going to go and get some much-needed sleep before I am back at work tomorrow. But before I go I have this question for you, do you ever wonder about an ex? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo