Lawyer Dude Red Flags

I am currently in dating hell. Lawyer Dude both ticks a lot of my boxes and ticks all my red flag, run away now boxes. I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s 2021 bitches and we’ve entered a new level of hell.

Let’s start with the divorce, he got served the papers the other day and he didn’t take it well. Like I get that it’s the end of something, you were together 17 years and it sucks. But if you’re doing to take it that poorly. Maybe don’t date yet. I took time off after Mr. X and it was the smartest thing I ever did. There is no harm or shame in taking time off to regroup. 

The next issue is the child. I have always been against dating someone with a child. I think it would be exceedingly difficult to not have that time being the other person's everything. Not having that foundation, seems like being set up for failure. I am not saying it’s impossible but difficult. And I am too fucking old to want to deal with outside factors.

Like Lawyer Dude doesn’t have me by my name in his phone because of his daughter, he doesn’t want to explain things. Which is cool, I don’t want to be explained. However, I don’t like the fact I need to be hidden.

Speaking of things I dislike, he lied about his age. he's actually 40, not 39.  Which isn't a deal-breaker, but why lie? 

But, like I said, he’s a sweetheart, really caring, funny. Has a good respectable job. For the most part, he has his shit together. But holy red flags Batman.

I don’t know what to do. I am just letting it ride for now and we will see what happens. 

Anyways, I am off to do all those day off things. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Not Meeting The Standard

I may have given in and messaged Hugh. I didn’t want to, but he’d been on my mind a lot recently and I just needed to for my own sanity.  It kind of pisses me off, he is still easy to talk to, there is no effort there and that sucks. It’s a reminder of what is possible.

This all comes as Lawyer Dude seems to be fizzling out. He is starting to take effort and I am not ok with that. I want things to flow and feel natural and right now, it doesn’t feel that way at all. And yes, there are a million reasons why, but when I compare it to Hugh, why am I dealing with the million reasons why?

This dude is ruining my dating life. He set a standard without trying and now I am struggling to find anyone who measures up to his standard. Who knew meeting a good guy would cause me all these problems?

Anyways, I am off to tidy up and work on finding a new human to keep me company. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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Lawyer Dude

I mentioned a few posts ago, I was talking a new guy and I’d fill you in soon. I am still not sure I’ll be keeping with him around, but I figured I may as well fill you in now because if I do get rid of him, I probably won’t want to talk about him.

As I am guessing you have worked out, he is a lawyer, and I will be calling him Lawyer Dude in the blog because…. I am struggling to remember names. He is 39 from Manchester and that’s where the positives stop. Don’t get me wrong, he is lovely and sweet and cute, but not my normal style if you will. He also starts with 2 massive strikes against him. He is divorced and has a child. I am not okay with either of those facts.

Lawyer Dude is a smart decision, he has his shit together. Good job, own place. It’s smart. The cost being an ex-wife and a child. Can I overlook this? I honestly don’t know. And I have decided not to worry about it until we meet in person and see how we click. At that point, I either like him enough to overlook the normal deal-breakers, or I won’t.

This isn’t ideal, at all, but I am in a place where my brain is in a fuck it zone. And smart decisions are better than butterflies. I tried butterflies…. It didn’t work out well.

Anyways, I am off to have a nap. Let me know your thoughts in the comments before. As always, you lovely people, stay and play safe.

 

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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Nothing To Write About

 

I have no clue what to write about. It’s Thursday night, I need to have a post-up in a few hours and my mind is blank. I have had a very routine week; nothing notes worthy I feel the need to talk about. I could write about the guy I am talking to, but I don’t want to yet. My mind is in two places with that. He doesn’t compare to Hugh, but Hugh isn’t a thing anymore so why compare. Once I deal with that we will talk.

For now, I think I am going to just leave this as a half-assed post and fingers crossed next week is better. As always, my dear, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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I Miss Hugh

I am missing Hugh a lot right now, I actually cried last night thinking about him. That guy has his problems, but he always had a calming effect on me. I always smiled around him. We had fun together. And I really miss that. I was going to reach out to him, but I can’t keep doing that. I need him to put a tiny bit of effort in. Things can’t be this one-sided. And it hurts.

It sucks, I want to hang out with my friend, I want to just be without having to put on an act. It sucks that it can’t be that way right now. I just have to smile and have some faith that things will work out how they should and despite the fact I may not understand it, it is all for the best.

Anyways my eyes are leaking so I am going to go and do a face mask, and just chill out for a bit. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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2021 Dates So Far

 Let’s talk dating, I have had 2 dates this year, neither of which went well. I’ve was on a mission to prove to myself I wasn’t hung up on Hugh and that even if he decided to ghost me, I’d be fine.

The first date was, fine. He was a doctor, everything was very Covid safe. We kept our distance and went on a walk. There just wasn’t a spark. To be honest, there wasn’t a spark before I agreed to the date, I just needed to prove to myself I could date.

The second date, on the other hand, was dicey. I make poor decisions when I am dealing with things I can’t control. I’ve apparently gotten better at recognizing this because I took steps to get out of the situation, but it wasn’t smart. I went around a guy’s house, after being pressured into the date and things felt off straight away. We watched tv and I played with his dog. He then pulled me in to cuddle. Which was…. Ok. However, his hand was resting just below my neck. So, he had one arm around me and the other resting on my upper chest right at the base of my neck. I would move to try and get him to shift his hand and it didn’t work, he kept putting it back there. I managed to use the dog as a distraction and got up to play with it. I soon after made an excuse and left. But the whole thing felt dangerous.

And all for nothing, I wasn’t into the guy. It was stupid.

Anyways I am off to hopefully make less silly decisions. What was your biggest dating mistake? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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Online Dating

 

Let me start this post by saying I haven’t slept with anyone since Hugh, hell I haven’t even slept with myself since Hugh. I haven’t kissed anyone else or even hugged anyone else. So hopefully that disclaimer will prevent any speculation and answer any questions you may have.

Over recent weeks I’ve been slowly dipping my toes back into the online dating scene.  For the record, I still hate it and dying alone doesn’t sound that bad. But I have met some interesting humans and I thought I’d share them with you, because when life gives you lemons…. Turn it into a blog and make a few cents from your misfortune.

 Let’s start with stomach guy who started off seemingly normal, but then started requesting photos of my tummy. Each to their own, but I’ll pass.

Then we have the dude who blocked me when he found out I am Canadian. I have sent our chat logs to Tyler to confirm nothing else happened that I missed. He has confirmed no, he blocked me for being Canadian. That is a first.

Then, we have the piece de resistance. Pepper Boy. He has a kink, that involved filling a face mask with pepper and sneezing. What the actual fuck. Again, a guy who seemed normal and just… wow. He asked me to voice message him saying “sneeze for me”. I might need therapy after that.

So, in case you’re thinking about online dating…. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep. As always, my dears. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xo

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Another Valentine's Day

 

Happy early Valentine’s Day you lovely people. I am spending another year alone and I am ok with it. I was hoping to hangout with Hugh, but I am at a loss for what is happening there and, to be honest, I am sick of trying to figure it out. I am here when and if he wants to talk, but I am not chasing anymore.

The funny thing is I ordered him Valentine’s day plant at the beginning of January, so he will still get that. And given where we are now, the card may read rather sarcastic. I was sweet at the time but hasn’t aged well.

I have no hard feelings towards him, he was perfect for what I needed when he came into my life. I am sad if our friendship is over, but that’s not something I can control. The door is open, and he knows where to find me. I just hope he is ok.

As for me, I am good. I have a few new dating site stories to update you on, because wow, I am going to die alone, and if that’s all that’s left out there…. bring it on.

But I am going to leave this here for now as I am writing this on Super Bowl Sunday and I have football to watch. As always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch 

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Dating

I would seem curious minds would like to know what the dating situation is given Hugh being a thing. First of all, we’re currently in a national lockdown so dating isn’t easily done in the current climate. It’s not impossible, but definitely not advisable. Second, Hugh isn’t a factor. He made his feelings and or intent clear, he wants to be friends and I am good with that. I never say never, but that ball is way out of my court and not something for me to dwell on. What will be will be. 

That said Hugh has made my dating life more difficult in the most convoluted way ever. I already had high standards, as I kind of like being single. He has made things worse. Because things are so easy with him, and it doesn’t feel like work, everything I start talking to someone, I quickly eliminated them when things aren’t at that level of ease. My standards may now be completely unachievable.

Not that they’re set that high, really. I just don’t feel the urge to compromise. All I want is a guy with a respectable job, a guy who has his life somewhat together, no kids, and to be somewhat of a gentleman. The list isn’t that unreasonable. And then the obvious I get along with them and actually like being around them. Surely that isn’t too much to ask. I mean, I hate most people and guys are inherently… less than gentlemanly like so maybe I am just completely screwed.

Anyway, I am off to try not to think about any of this. Let me know your dating must-haves are in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

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Blah

I am in a weird place right now, and lockdown isn’t helping. I feel fine, but I am not. I am not looking after myself, I am not eating correctly or daily for that matter, I am not showering and doing skincare when I am off work. I am just sleeping or trying to. I am shutting down and while that is helpful a little bit, it’s not healthy long term.

I am really missing Hugh’s stupid face right now. He’s the level of human I can tolerate. When things were really bad, I was leaning on our “friend dates” to keep motivated. It was a reason to shower, eat, look after myself. It was a reward for making it through the week. I haven’t had that regularly for a while and that shift hasn’t been seamless.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll get there. I will bounce back. I am a stubborn bitch, who cannot and will be kept down. It’s just… not pleasant. And things are ickier than I’d like. I miss the stress melting cuddles. That’s a scientific fact, not me being mushy for the record.

Anyways, my eyes are leaking, and that shit needs to stop. I am back to the only breaking down in my car and shower rule. Let me know, your coping mechanisms and thoughts in the comments below. And hopefully next week we can get back to more juicy and less feelingy posts. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

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Hugh's Turn

 It seems just as I am starting to feel better, it’s Hugh’s turn to not be ok. And while it’s perfectly fine to not be ok, I don’t know how to best help him. Unlike me, he doesn’t come with a manual. I don’t know if he needs me to show up with food or go away. I don’t know if he needs a phone call or to be left alone. I know when I am off, I need plans and for people to pull me in even if I pull away. I just don’t know with him.

What I have been doing, and all I feel like I can do is the small things I enjoy and hope they happen to bring a smile to his face as well. Sending morning texts, sending funny imagines, and trying to be positive and smiley and hoping it rubs off.

Not sure it’s working, but all I can do is try right? I hate when he’s down. He’s been so good at cheering me up, without even trying. I hope, somehow, I can return the favour.

Anyway, I have to go get ready to collect my mother’s ashes which I am not looking forward to. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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Feeling Better

 Last Saturday Hugh and I had a last-minute “friend date”. We went on a walk and talked before I headed off to work. And personally, it was just what I needed to snap out of whatever funk I was in. I am not sure why, but he has an adept ability to make things feel less… much.

I feel a lot better talking with him as he seems to have a lot of the same idiosyncrasies I have. It’s nice not having to explain myself, as he just gets it. He made a comment earlier this week about feeling alone, but also not wanting to be around people. And that’s my feeling 90% of the time and it was weird to hear someone else say it. I thought that was just a me thing.

Anyways, I need to go and get ready for work. I just wanted to update you and let you all know I am ok. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Pulling Away

 Let me start this post by saying I am ok. There was a little concern after my last post, which I completely understand, but there is no need to worry. I may not be in a good place, but I am not in a bad place either.

I am in a place, where my instinct is to pull away, insolate and take control. Which, if history is anything to go back, means fall in bed with someone I shouldn’t, maybe start a relationship with someone who isn’t relationship material. Basically, do something that will cause me emotional pain, because that’s within my control. Once again, being a blogger sucks, because I am fully aware of my tendencies and have a self-understanding, most people don’t have. Doesn’t stop me from being an idiot, just makes me painfully aware of how stupid I am being.  

Which brings me to Hugh, who, I don’t know. The last time I pulled away, he texted me and made plans which was sweet and what I needed, and I instantly felt better. It doesn’t take a lot. This time, I don’t know. I went into this with no walls, and I am starting to retroactively build them. Time will tell how things play out and which side of the wall he ends up on.

Anyways, my eyes are starting to get watery, so I am going to stop before they leak. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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A New Year

 2020 is officially over, and 2021 is here. Traditionally, this is the time of year where a lot of reflection is done. To be honest, I am trying not to do that right now. I am ending 2020 feeling like a complete failure and I don’t know why.

I gave myself grace early on about not achieving the goals I set out this year. It was a pandemic after all. I had reasonable expectations. I am not sure where the sense of failure is rooted or what can be done about it.

I am going into 2021 struggling. I am fighting to stay level-headed right now. Part of me wants to do something stupid, call an ex, sleep with a stranger, do something irresponsible that won’t end well. The other part of me wants to drive my car off the motorway, or the urge tonight was to stop in the middle of the motorway. I can’t really explain it, but that was my thought process. Don’t worry, I would never hurt myself… physically anyway. We all know emotionally screwing myself if much more my style. Place your bets now. My money is on a Mr. X appearance.

I was going to set goals for 2021 like I normally would but, to be honest, I think the only goal is to survive. Fuck thriving, I just want to make it through 2021 in one piece. The bar couldn’t be much lower.

Anyway, I am going to go to bed because hibernation is safe. As always, my dears, stay and play safe. And have a good start to the new year.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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Merry Christmas

 

I'm taking the day off guys. Hope you all have a wonderful day.  

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I Come With A Manual

 

I often say we expect men to read minds and to know what’s wrong with us without us verbalizing it and since men aren’t mind readers and they don’t have access to a crystal ball, we can’t expect them to know what we need or how to handle us. That said, in my case, there is basically a fucking manual online on how to deal with me.

Recently, Hugh got my back up and it could be crazy girl brain, or it could be something else, but for this blog it doesn’t really matter what the root cause is. What matters is, he handled it like an amateur.  

I am fairly simple, you piss me off, I will push you away. When that happens, I need the other person to push in. Fair enough, leave me alone that day or night if I am being a bitch. But send me a morning message, wishing me a good day or make plans with me. Do something to let me know, you’re not going anywhere. My inner crazy bitch is counteracted by being made to feel safe and secure.

That is the key to me. When I feel safe and secure I am the most calm chilled human around. And anyone whose been on this blog for any length of time knows that. It’s the world's worth kept secret.

Anyways, I need to get ready for work. I just needed to vent. As always, my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest bitch  

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Friend Dates

 Part of the staying friend’s thing with Hugh has been setting up “friend dates”. We have game nights and moving nights and he tries to murder me on walks through impassable mud. It’s been fun getting to know each other without the pressure of dating. And it’s still feels, for the most part, easy.

I’ve also found these prearranged “dates” greatly beneficial to me, as I am able to use them almost as rewards. I know mentally if I get through my work week for example, If I can put on a smile and adult for those 4 days, when it’s all done, I get to be me, and have some effortless time with Hugh. It somehow makes things easier.

I am sure how he feels though. Sometimes it feels like he’s pushing me away (which I get, I’ve been there) but others, I catch him with this most genuine heart-warming smile on his face. Then he makes comments, like he feels an obligation to me which sit heavily on me. I don’t want anyone to hangout with me because they feel obliged. I want them to hangout with me because they want to, because they like being around me. Not because they have to. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

My head kind of hurts, and I am probably overthinking things; lack of sleep will do that to you. Like I said, normally things feel easy and we have fun. But I appear that way at work and I’m definitely just playing a part there. I guess only time will tell, eh?

Anyways, I need to get ready for work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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Q&A Part 2

 I recently did a Q&A and there were few additional questions I thought deserved an answer. And since I am posting this very late, I figured I’d get this out of the way now since the odds are nobody is going to see this post. Let’s get started, shall we?

Now that Hugh and you have broken up are you dating?

No, I’ve made the decision to stay single for a little while. I’m very cognisant of the fact people going through grief can misinterpret feelings and wind up in relationships they wouldn’t otherwise. I am going to hold off a while and re-evaluate where I am in the new year.

How are things going with the just being friends?

For the most part, they’re going ok. We seem to be making it work. It has moments that feel awkward. And I think he goes through phases of trying to push me away, but I expect that. And I am sure I’ll do the same to him at some point. Right now, it’s all fine.

If they’re a future for you and Hugh?

As friends, sure. As anything else… I am not one to say never, I haven’t padlocked any of those doors nor windows, but it’s highly unlikely. I’d place a bet on him being another guy I date right before he finds a girl and gets married. If anyone is counting, he’d make number 8 that’s done that. I am guy fixer upper…. Shame you don’t get paid the same way you do when you flip houses.

With Christmas coming up, how are your Mr. X thoughts?

I have a feeling this year, that may play on my mind in a way it hasn’t for a while. I am ok right now. And I am working over Christmas so hopefully, I won’t have time to think too much about it.

Are you ok?

Yep, I am perfectly ok. I am in fake it till you make it mode and sooner or later I’ll believe it. Thank, god for those damn acting lessons.

Anyways, I am off, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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