Hugh Hangout

Last night I got to hang out with Hugh for the first time in about 6 months and it was nice, as I always say, hanging out with him is easy. It makes a change to just have a giggle and be silly and not have to think about other things. It was also nice that nothing had changed despite us being in different places now. I was a little worried about that.

The reason he came over is that my hair needed cutting and I trust nobody. My mom normally trimmed it up for me, but since that can’t happen now, I needed a hand. Knowing Hugh’s personally I was pretty sure he’d do a good job, and he did. I am pleased. Also, glad I judged that right could have ended badly.

It was a little weird and I didn’t clock it when we planned it, but it was actually my mom’s birthday. Seemed kind of fitting. It was a nice evening anyway, super chilled and laid back. Felt nice to zone out for a while.

Please don’t get me wrong, Hugh and I are quite different, and we have different morals and views. We aren’t all bubble gum and unicorns, but we somehow manage to put it aside when we hang out and just have fun.

Anyways it’s 10am and I have to be up for work in 4 hours. Let me know, would you let an ex cut your hair? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

...

I am struggling to just sit and write, not because I have nothing to say but because I have been so stressed and out of my routine. I am struggling to sit and let my feelings and words flow. I am in survival mode. That said I didn’t want to skip a week. We know what breaks tend to hard to return from. That said I’ll be back next week with my normal content.

You guys are the best

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Questioning Everything

Have you ever been at the point of life where you’re questioning everything? Your dating choices, your living situation, you’re work-life; basically, your no longer sure of anything? That’s where I am right now.

I was getting ready to move out before my stepdad's diagnosis and I’ve had to put that on hold while things are found out. I am feeling rather stuck. I spent so long looking after my mom and now this. I am feeling like my life is constantly being put on hold to look after others. I know it’s the right thing to do and it's what I should be doing. It doesn’t make it suck any less. I am 34 now, my hopes of a family of my own are slipping away. 

Dating just sucks. Lawyer Dude is a dead end and I know it. I am not about to change it right now, but the thing whole thing is a giant waste of time. Plus the amount of baggage he carries just isn’t for me. I knew I didn’t want a guy who had kids, this confirms that. I worried I wouldn’t be a priority, hell I am not even a consideration.  

Work is actually ok. I am good at my job. No, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows, but it isn’t horrible all the time either. My issue is promotion. There is a carrot being dangled and I don’t like it. I will not be getting the promotion, I know where it’s going, we all do. So why dangle it? The thing is, I always want to do my best. Put my best foot forward, and in this role, that’s very hard work. And it’s hard work for, what will be nothing. Part of me wants to just throw the towel in and walk away, but my pride won’t allow it.

Anyways, this is my last day off before I head back to work, so I am going to go enjoy it, and by enjoying it I mean I am going to go take a nap. Thank you for letting me vent. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Hugh Ruined My Expectations Of Men

I fucking hate Hugh, why did that twat make things so damn easy? Why is he a recent reminder, that dating, and relationship doesn’t need to feel like work? Why, did the emotionally unavailable twat-bag have to be so comforting and basically be a master class in how things should be done? 

…. I mean right up to the breakup and then slowly cutting me out of his life.

Hugh is basically the opposite of Lawyer Dude. Lawyer Dude is selfish. He never asks how I am. He never sends a message first. He gets moody when he deems, I am not there for him, but I spent my birthday alone, in tears with zero concern from him. He’s hard work and seems to be only interested in one thing.

It’s so bad, when I found out about my Stepdad, it was Hugh I wanted to call not him. Actually, he still doesn’t know. He doesn’t ask about me and I’m not about to offer up anything. 

I know I shouldn’t compare, and Hugh has moved on, he recently changed our WhatsApp name, which solidified that.  That door is closed. But, damn universe, you’re bitch sometimes. 

Emotionally stable, respectable career, with goals and his life somewhat together, if that really too much to ask? Because fucking hell, it’s starting to feel like it is. I am all for compromise and all that but settling, not so much.

Anyways, I am off to slowly bang my head against a wall and pray for something to fall into place. As always let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

My First Birthday Without Her

This past week was my birthday and to be completely honest, it was horrible. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I fell completely apart at midnight and stayed a weepy mess until 1 o'clock. I wanted my mom, that’s all I wanted. It was strange and painful, she had been there for 33 years, she was there at minute 0, having a milestone without her was unbearable and hurt so much.

It didn’t get any better as the day went on. I spent the day alone, in bed crying. It was probably the hardest day I’ve had. I assumed her birthday would be hard, I hadn’t given mine much thought and I guess in hindsight it makes sense, I just wasn’t prepared and it really caught me off guard.

It’s now a couple days later, and I am feeling more myself and I am not such a mess and I have regained some composure. I am hoping that melt-down isn’t a yearly thing because…. Yikes, I don’t think I can do that again. I am very glad I wasn’t working.

Anyways, I am going to go before my eyes start leaking again. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. I googled how I was feeling, never do that by the way, I didn’t see a lot. It was all about celebrating their birthday and I wanted anyone else who is feeling the same way I did. To know it’s ok and normal, and understandable. Anyways, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Nothing

I am trying very hard to stay up to date with my blog, while not feeling super good, or right or sable and clearly, I am failing a little bit. I am sorry.  Am on holiday from work this week, so I am going to try and get a little ahead, so I am not scrambling and struggling last minute. So bear with me this week. This is a nothing post. But I know if I don’t post I’ll take a much longer break so nothing post it is.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Life Update

Sorry, this post is a little late, but I had my 2^nd Covid vaccine and I have been so sleepy, it’s unreal. I fell asleep while trying out of bed that’s how tired I was. Luckily, I am starting to feel better now.

I guess we should have a quick, very quick chat about why I am struggling for word and didn’t want to last week. So, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer last week. We don’t have a lot of answers right now. They found a lump, however that lump was secondary. They haven’t found the primary source yet and it's scary. The fact it’s already spread isn’t great.

I am still processing things and I am still not very talkative, but I’ll get there. But I just wanted to fill you guys in. Always, my dear, as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

We Met

I feel like I should have a lot to write, but I really don’t. Lawyer Dude and I finally met up last, week and it was good. He was handsy very quickly, which gave me a flashback to Hugh. But it was good.  I am glad we finally managed to meet up. And we’re still talking so, that’s a plus.

He was a total sweetheart, however a little forward. However, made me feel comfortable. It was a good evening for sure. Just haven’t got my thoughts together yet.

Sorry things post is such nothing post. I am just not with it right now. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Will We?

This whole “dating” thing is just a giant headache, and I am very close to being over the whole thing again. My holiday from work is almost over and Lawyer Dude and I still haven’t met. We should have met on the 17^th but allegedly he was under the weather, so we canceled. I am not sure if it was sickness or nervousness, but either way, it did happen.

We have rescheduled, kind of. We had already rescheduled once and that fell through also, so I am not holding my breath on this new date. This one is weird. I am going to go around his after his daughter leaves. So, I’ll be going over at like 9pm. This feels a little seedy, but I want this date out of the way, so I am down.

We’ve been talking since February, and I need to know if this is something or not. I need to thank you next already or move this show along. I am getting impatient in my old age. I hate that this date feels high pressure, but I am sure it’ll be ok. I just need to know.

Anyways, I need to go and have a nap. This holiday life is hard work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Still Not OK

Does anyone else have those moments where if they stop and are completely still, they can actually hear the voice inside their head screaming? Oh… it’s just me, good to know. I am not sure what is up with me, but I can seem to find any sort of Zen at all at the moment.

It’s gotten so bad, that when the voice in my head is muted, my body isn’t. I constantly feel like I am 30  seconds away from a panic attack. I’d like to say I don’t understand what is happening, but I have a fair idea, it’s more that I don’t want to deal with it and clearly, my brain and body aren’t accepting “no” as an answer.

This is the first time I’ve been off work in 6 months, and we all know what happened last time I was on holiday from work. I didn’t think it would affect me this much, but clearly, I was wrong. I know I haven’t worked through everything yet. Hell, I'm doubtful I have actually allowed myself to work through any of it. But you need to keep moving right? My mom wouldn’t want me dwelling on things, she’d want me out there kicking ass.

I need to stop this here, my eyes are leaking, and my nose is joying in, it is far too early to ugly cry. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Nervous

As things move closer and closer to Lawyer Dude and I finally meeting, the more nervous I get. I am starting to worry we’ve waited too long to meet, and expectations are too high. I don’t wait to disappoint him. And the longer we wait the more my nerves grow.

I am on holiday after my next set of 4, so I expect we will sort something then. Lockdown restrictions also ease so that should make things a lot easier. Although the thought of us meeting has my tummy in knots.

He doesn’t help matters either, rather than trying to be comforting or put my mind at ease he’s reaction to me being nervous has been “suck it up”. Just repeating to me that it’ll be ok. Like, dude, I know it will be ok, but at least try to help matters when I am not feeling my best. But I guess we will see what happens.

Anyways, I am off to get some rest before I head back to work tomorrow. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Lawyer Dude Red Flags

I am currently in dating hell. Lawyer Dude both ticks a lot of my boxes and ticks all my red flag, run away now boxes. I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s 2021 bitches and we’ve entered a new level of hell.

Let’s start with the divorce, he got served the papers the other day and he didn’t take it well. Like I get that it’s the end of something, you were together 17 years and it sucks. But if you’re doing to take it that poorly. Maybe don’t date yet. I took time off after Mr. X and it was the smartest thing I ever did. There is no harm or shame in taking time off to regroup. 

The next issue is the child. I have always been against dating someone with a child. I think it would be exceedingly difficult to not have that time being the other person's everything. Not having that foundation, seems like being set up for failure. I am not saying it’s impossible but difficult. And I am too fucking old to want to deal with outside factors.

Like Lawyer Dude doesn’t have me by my name in his phone because of his daughter, he doesn’t want to explain things. Which is cool, I don’t want to be explained. However, I don’t like the fact I need to be hidden.

Speaking of things I dislike, he lied about his age. he's actually 40, not 39.  Which isn't a deal-breaker, but why lie? 

But, like I said, he’s a sweetheart, really caring, funny. Has a good respectable job. For the most part, he has his shit together. But holy red flags Batman.

I don’t know what to do. I am just letting it ride for now and we will see what happens. 

Anyways, I am off to do all those day off things. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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