Hugh Ruined My Expectations Of Men

I fucking hate Hugh, why did that twat make things so damn easy? Why is he a recent reminder, that dating, and relationship doesn’t need to feel like work? Why, did the emotionally unavailable twat-bag have to be so comforting and basically be a master class in how things should be done? 

…. I mean right up to the breakup and then slowly cutting me out of his life.

Hugh is basically the opposite of Lawyer Dude. Lawyer Dude is selfish. He never asks how I am. He never sends a message first. He gets moody when he deems, I am not there for him, but I spent my birthday alone, in tears with zero concern from him. He’s hard work and seems to be only interested in one thing.

It’s so bad, when I found out about my Stepdad, it was Hugh I wanted to call not him. Actually, he still doesn’t know. He doesn’t ask about me and I’m not about to offer up anything. 

I know I shouldn’t compare, and Hugh has moved on, he recently changed our WhatsApp name, which solidified that.  That door is closed. But, damn universe, you’re bitch sometimes. 

Emotionally stable, respectable career, with goals and his life somewhat together, if that really too much to ask? Because fucking hell, it’s starting to feel like it is. I am all for compromise and all that but settling, not so much.

Anyways, I am off to slowly bang my head against a wall and pray for something to fall into place. As always let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

My First Birthday Without Her

This past week was my birthday and to be completely honest, it was horrible. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I fell completely apart at midnight and stayed a weepy mess until 1 o'clock. I wanted my mom, that’s all I wanted. It was strange and painful, she had been there for 33 years, she was there at minute 0, having a milestone without her was unbearable and hurt so much.

It didn’t get any better as the day went on. I spent the day alone, in bed crying. It was probably the hardest day I’ve had. I assumed her birthday would be hard, I hadn’t given mine much thought and I guess in hindsight it makes sense, I just wasn’t prepared and it really caught me off guard.

It’s now a couple days later, and I am feeling more myself and I am not such a mess and I have regained some composure. I am hoping that melt-down isn’t a yearly thing because…. Yikes, I don’t think I can do that again. I am very glad I wasn’t working.

Anyways, I am going to go before my eyes start leaking again. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. I googled how I was feeling, never do that by the way, I didn’t see a lot. It was all about celebrating their birthday and I wanted anyone else who is feeling the same way I did. To know it’s ok and normal, and understandable. Anyways, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Nothing

I am trying very hard to stay up to date with my blog, while not feeling super good, or right or sable and clearly, I am failing a little bit. I am sorry.  Am on holiday from work this week, so I am going to try and get a little ahead, so I am not scrambling and struggling last minute. So bear with me this week. This is a nothing post. But I know if I don’t post I’ll take a much longer break so nothing post it is.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Life Update

Sorry, this post is a little late, but I had my 2^nd Covid vaccine and I have been so sleepy, it’s unreal. I fell asleep while trying out of bed that’s how tired I was. Luckily, I am starting to feel better now.

I guess we should have a quick, very quick chat about why I am struggling for word and didn’t want to last week. So, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer last week. We don’t have a lot of answers right now. They found a lump, however that lump was secondary. They haven’t found the primary source yet and it's scary. The fact it’s already spread isn’t great.

I am still processing things and I am still not very talkative, but I’ll get there. But I just wanted to fill you guys in. Always, my dear, as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

We Met

I feel like I should have a lot to write, but I really don’t. Lawyer Dude and I finally met up last, week and it was good. He was handsy very quickly, which gave me a flashback to Hugh. But it was good.  I am glad we finally managed to meet up. And we’re still talking so, that’s a plus.

He was a total sweetheart, however a little forward. However, made me feel comfortable. It was a good evening for sure. Just haven’t got my thoughts together yet.

Sorry things post is such nothing post. I am just not with it right now. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Will We?

This whole “dating” thing is just a giant headache, and I am very close to being over the whole thing again. My holiday from work is almost over and Lawyer Dude and I still haven’t met. We should have met on the 17^th but allegedly he was under the weather, so we canceled. I am not sure if it was sickness or nervousness, but either way, it did happen.

We have rescheduled, kind of. We had already rescheduled once and that fell through also, so I am not holding my breath on this new date. This one is weird. I am going to go around his after his daughter leaves. So, I’ll be going over at like 9pm. This feels a little seedy, but I want this date out of the way, so I am down.

We’ve been talking since February, and I need to know if this is something or not. I need to thank you next already or move this show along. I am getting impatient in my old age. I hate that this date feels high pressure, but I am sure it’ll be ok. I just need to know.

Anyways, I need to go and have a nap. This holiday life is hard work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Still Not OK

Does anyone else have those moments where if they stop and are completely still, they can actually hear the voice inside their head screaming? Oh… it’s just me, good to know. I am not sure what is up with me, but I can seem to find any sort of Zen at all at the moment.

It’s gotten so bad, that when the voice in my head is muted, my body isn’t. I constantly feel like I am 30  seconds away from a panic attack. I’d like to say I don’t understand what is happening, but I have a fair idea, it’s more that I don’t want to deal with it and clearly, my brain and body aren’t accepting “no” as an answer.

This is the first time I’ve been off work in 6 months, and we all know what happened last time I was on holiday from work. I didn’t think it would affect me this much, but clearly, I was wrong. I know I haven’t worked through everything yet. Hell, I'm doubtful I have actually allowed myself to work through any of it. But you need to keep moving right? My mom wouldn’t want me dwelling on things, she’d want me out there kicking ass.

I need to stop this here, my eyes are leaking, and my nose is joying in, it is far too early to ugly cry. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo