The Universe Hates Me

When you make/ date mistakes in your youth why does nobody warn you those mistakes will keep haunting you? I am nearly 32 years old, why on earth are guys I had one-night stands with when I was 20 still messaging me?  Why are guys I flirted with at a job I had nearly 8 years ago messaging me? Why the hell are guys, I hadn’t responded to in 3 years still messaging me? What the heck is wrong with me that those are my options?

I try to remain good humoured in all of this. I have to, after all I’ve made a career out of having a shitty love life. However, there reaches a point where it’s not funny anymore. The joke gets old. I’m not asking for a lot in a partner, I’m really not. Yet, the universe seems to take enjoyment in throwing fuckwits at me, and not even new fuckwits, the universe is too lazy for that, it recycles fuckwits!

I’m perfectly fine on my own. I’ve said this before, I’d make a lousy girlfriend right now. However, given all the energy the universe seems to spend replaying my poor choices on a seemingly never-ending loop. Surely it could throw me a fucking bone.

A nice guy, with manners, who enjoys cuddles and doesn’t mind a little makeup on his shirt, because god knows I can’t hold my shit together these days. Not a lot to ask really. Surely that would take less effort than tormenting me.

Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that rant off my chest I am going to go and enjoy my holiday from work. But before I go, I have this question for you; do you ever feel like the universe hates you? Let me know your thoughts in the comment below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

I am struggling

I’ve always seen blogging as a form of therapy, and right now I am hoping it’ll work in a similar way.  I don’t really want to write or talk about what’s going on, but I need to do something because my sanity is feeling really fragile.

My mother’s latest test results were poor. Nothing was tracking where it should be. Her liver function is down. She has fluid around the lungs and the doctor aren’t happy with how her heart is functioning. I’m not sure if you know this, but the number 1 cause of death in people with kidney disease isn’t kidney failure; its other organs, normally the heart or lungs that stop functioning due to a build-up of fluids in the body.

My mom is handling things like she always does, she’s a rock. I, on the other hand, am holding things together just enough to get by. I am struggling, a lot, and I am not sure what I am meant to do to snap out of this. I want to enjoy what time I have left with her but seeing her like this is hard. It’s funny, she’s carrying on and I’m the one struggling to get out of bed.

Anyways, my eyes are doing that thing where water floods out of them at a rate that is embarrassing, so I am going to go and get ready for work. I’m not going to leave with you any questions. Just remember to stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Mr Block Returns

It may be a brand-new year; however, it seems I’m still plagued by old ghosts. It appears after a silent few months Mr. Block has decided it is time to resume his hunting and unlucky for him my patience for his bull is at an all-time low.

On February 27^Th he reappeared with a “Hello Stranger, have you missed me?” Without missing a beat, I replied “can’t say that I have.” However, he wasn’t phased and preceded to tell me he was sorry and how he’s grown up. He went one to tell me he was making it his mission to prove to me he’s changed. All my brain was thinking during all this was “yep, this is why I am going to die alone.”

After a few messages back and forth, his motive became clear to me. He explained that at the end of March he was moving to a place about 15 miles from me. He hasn’t come out and said anything, yet, but to me it would appear he’s after a dial-a-hoe, and my location makes me perfect in his eyes for that.

Now, I could be wrong. He may have changed or grown up, but that seems unlikely and I am far too old to deal with that shit. Having someone like Tyler around has reminded me that not all guys are twats and I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap. That said, part of me wants to meet him for a drink so at least I’ve gotten a drink out of this shit show. So… I don’t know.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy what remains of my night off, but before I go, I have this question for you; should I meet him for a drink or write him completely off? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Drinky Drinky Time

I think we’re overdue for a drunken blog, you guys have asked some question I think drunken me would be better suited to answer. Normal drunken blog rules apply; this will be both written and edited drunk and once sober, it will not be touched again. So, let’s get started, shall we?

A lot of you have asked my opinion on Tyler, and the truth is I don’t have one. I’m not looking at him in that way. I’ve said this before, I’m not dateable at the moment. I am damaged goods and wouldn’t be a good partner. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone to have to put up with me, when I have next to nothing to give. In knowing that, I’m not looking anyone at the minute.

That said, I will give you some of my thoughts. He is a lovely human being.  He is someone I can be myself with. I don’t feel like I get to do that often anymore. He reminds me of the gay husband or one of my drama geek friends, he gives off this warm familiar vibe, that I love. He is also hilarious, both deliberately and non-deliberately. He’s managed to bring a smile to my face when that seems impossible. He is also my favourite person to flirt with. And, no I’m not flirting with purpose, I’m flirting for humour. That poor guy doesn’t know what to do with himself and I find it beyond amusing. Actually, he doesn’t take any compliments well, which I can relate to, but it’s fun to torment him.  

And on that note, since he doesn’t take my flirting well, I think it may be safe to say he’s not into me. Sorry to ruin all of your big plans. I know that revelation may have broken a few hearts. I know the gay husband basically has me married off at this point. I just don’t think that’s on the cards my sweets.

The other thing you guys have been asking about is whether he’ll be doing a guest post. No. He’s not up for that nor am I for that matter. You guys are rough and asked questions I’d rather not know the answers to.

Anyways, it’s getting close to bed time. So, I shall leave this post here. But before I go, I have this question for you; Do you take compliments well or do they throw you off? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Inappropriate Valentine’s Day Card

Men of the world, what the actual fuck is wrong with some of you? Do you have a screw loose, mommy didn’t love you enough or are you just morons? No woman on the planet is going to find your advances flattering when you’re in a relationship already.

I wasn’t going to write about this, but the more time that pasted the angrier I got about the whole thing. One of my drivers gave me a Valentine’s day card, confusing his feelings and saying he’d leave his partner for me. What the hell dude? 

Forgetting the fact, I just don’t feel the same way, even if I did like him, how repulsive is it that a man in a committed relationship would do that? That’s not what I want for myself. It’s not what any woman wants. I mean after all once a cheater, always a cheater.

This puts me in a bad position, in my industry I need allies. I’ve had guys turn aggressive and have needed back up from my drivers. This sort of thing makes that harder. Hell, it makes my job harder and I don’t appreciate it.

Anyways, now that I’ve vented, I am going to go back to enjoying my holiday. But let me know what you think, is a card from a married man flattering or creepy and disrespectful? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Valentine's Day

Normally around this time of year, I am writing this on February 11^th, I’d be writing a piece mocking all the surviving Valentines Day posts. This year, however, is a little different, mainly because I feel like I’m having to survive Valentines Day.

It’s not that I’m longing for a boyfriend, or any of that typical whiny shit those types of posts normally cry on about. It’s that with everything going on, I am feeling very alone. I am having to play the part of someone who is incredibly strong, and I don’t feel it. And in playing that part I’m pushing people away because if I didn’t, I’d simply fall apart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still stand by what I’ve said in all my past Valentines posts, if you need to survive Valentines Day you should stay single. You need to be able to find your own happiness without relying on anyone else. Now, I don’t fall under my own advice, happy is not my issue, I am fine on my own what I wish I had was someone to lean on. That said, I wouldn’t date me right, I am a mess and I wouldn’t place that on anyone.

But my lack of self-worth is a story for another day. I am going to go and get ready to return to work tomorrow, but before I go, I have this question for you; would you date you? Let me know in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Sad Eyes

I’ve mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again, I can’t stand “sad eye”. I’m under no disillusion, I understand my mom is dying and I’m an only child basically losing the only family I have, I get that, and I understand it’s sad. Trust me, I get it, I’ve cried it out many a night. But looking at me with pity sad filled eyes really doesn’t help. It in a lot of ways it makes things worse.

I am a lot less social than I use to be and a lot of that is down to “sad eyes”. I either feel like people feel sorry for me or are judging me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me. To fair, I don’t feel like myself most of the time, but when I do remotely feel normal, I feel as if I can’t show it.

This is part of the reason why the husband loves Tyler so much. He sees that he brings out the silly, fun side of me that hasn’t been around in quite a while. A lot of that was, until very recently, Tyler didn’t know what was going on. I had lost it on the phone with him a couple times, around the time when my mom was having surgery, but never vocalized what was happening. So, it’s yet to be seen whether he’ll continue to bring that out in me or if he’ll be another sad eyes person.

I can tell you he’s back off on non-work days. It’s is not ideal for me, but is understandable. He was a good distraction, but new coping mechanisms are always there to be found.  He doesn’t owe that to me nor would I ask for it so, life ticks on.

Anyways, I am going to go and hit the treadmill because it’s really hard to over think things when you can’t breathe. I would leave you with a Valentine’s related question but… who care? Just leave your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo