Hugh's Turn

 It seems just as I am starting to feel better, it’s Hugh’s turn to not be ok. And while it’s perfectly fine to not be ok, I don’t know how to best help him. Unlike me, he doesn’t come with a manual. I don’t know if he needs me to show up with food or go away. I don’t know if he needs a phone call or to be left alone. I know when I am off, I need plans and for people to pull me in even if I pull away. I just don’t know with him.

What I have been doing, and all I feel like I can do is the small things I enjoy and hope they happen to bring a smile to his face as well. Sending morning texts, sending funny imagines, and trying to be positive and smiley and hoping it rubs off.

Not sure it’s working, but all I can do is try right? I hate when he’s down. He’s been so good at cheering me up, without even trying. I hope, somehow, I can return the favour.

Anyway, I have to go get ready to collect my mother’s ashes which I am not looking forward to. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

Feeling Better

 Last Saturday Hugh and I had a last-minute “friend date”. We went on a walk and talked before I headed off to work. And personally, it was just what I needed to snap out of whatever funk I was in. I am not sure why, but he has an adept ability to make things feel less… much.

I feel a lot better talking with him as he seems to have a lot of the same idiosyncrasies I have. It’s nice not having to explain myself, as he just gets it. He made a comment earlier this week about feeling alone, but also not wanting to be around people. And that’s my feeling 90% of the time and it was weird to hear someone else say it. I thought that was just a me thing.

Anyways, I need to go and get ready for work. I just wanted to update you and let you all know I am ok. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

Pulling Away

 Let me start this post by saying I am ok. There was a little concern after my last post, which I completely understand, but there is no need to worry. I may not be in a good place, but I am not in a bad place either.

I am in a place, where my instinct is to pull away, insolate and take control. Which, if history is anything to go back, means fall in bed with someone I shouldn’t, maybe start a relationship with someone who isn’t relationship material. Basically, do something that will cause me emotional pain, because that’s within my control. Once again, being a blogger sucks, because I am fully aware of my tendencies and have a self-understanding, most people don’t have. Doesn’t stop me from being an idiot, just makes me painfully aware of how stupid I am being.  

Which brings me to Hugh, who, I don’t know. The last time I pulled away, he texted me and made plans which was sweet and what I needed, and I instantly felt better. It doesn’t take a lot. This time, I don’t know. I went into this with no walls, and I am starting to retroactively build them. Time will tell how things play out and which side of the wall he ends up on.

Anyways, my eyes are starting to get watery, so I am going to stop before they leak. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

A New Year

 2020 is officially over, and 2021 is here. Traditionally, this is the time of year where a lot of reflection is done. To be honest, I am trying not to do that right now. I am ending 2020 feeling like a complete failure and I don’t know why.

I gave myself grace early on about not achieving the goals I set out this year. It was a pandemic after all. I had reasonable expectations. I am not sure where the sense of failure is rooted or what can be done about it.

I am going into 2021 struggling. I am fighting to stay level-headed right now. Part of me wants to do something stupid, call an ex, sleep with a stranger, do something irresponsible that won’t end well. The other part of me wants to drive my car off the motorway, or the urge tonight was to stop in the middle of the motorway. I can’t really explain it, but that was my thought process. Don’t worry, I would never hurt myself… physically anyway. We all know emotionally screwing myself if much more my style. Place your bets now. My money is on a Mr. X appearance.

I was going to set goals for 2021 like I normally would but, to be honest, I think the only goal is to survive. Fuck thriving, I just want to make it through 2021 in one piece. The bar couldn’t be much lower.

Anyway, I am going to go to bed because hibernation is safe. As always, my dears, stay and play safe. And have a good start to the new year.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

Merry Christmas

 

I'm taking the day off guys. Hope you all have a wonderful day.  

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

I Come With A Manual

 

I often say we expect men to read minds and to know what’s wrong with us without us verbalizing it and since men aren’t mind readers and they don’t have access to a crystal ball, we can’t expect them to know what we need or how to handle us. That said, in my case, there is basically a fucking manual online on how to deal with me.

Recently, Hugh got my back up and it could be crazy girl brain, or it could be something else, but for this blog it doesn’t really matter what the root cause is. What matters is, he handled it like an amateur.  

I am fairly simple, you piss me off, I will push you away. When that happens, I need the other person to push in. Fair enough, leave me alone that day or night if I am being a bitch. But send me a morning message, wishing me a good day or make plans with me. Do something to let me know, you’re not going anywhere. My inner crazy bitch is counteracted by being made to feel safe and secure.

That is the key to me. When I feel safe and secure I am the most calm chilled human around. And anyone whose been on this blog for any length of time knows that. It’s the world's worth kept secret.

Anyways, I need to get ready for work. I just needed to vent. As always, my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest bitch  

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

Friend Dates

 Part of the staying friend’s thing with Hugh has been setting up “friend dates”. We have game nights and moving nights and he tries to murder me on walks through impassable mud. It’s been fun getting to know each other without the pressure of dating. And it’s still feels, for the most part, easy.

I’ve also found these prearranged “dates” greatly beneficial to me, as I am able to use them almost as rewards. I know mentally if I get through my work week for example, If I can put on a smile and adult for those 4 days, when it’s all done, I get to be me, and have some effortless time with Hugh. It somehow makes things easier.

I am sure how he feels though. Sometimes it feels like he’s pushing me away (which I get, I’ve been there) but others, I catch him with this most genuine heart-warming smile on his face. Then he makes comments, like he feels an obligation to me which sit heavily on me. I don’t want anyone to hangout with me because they feel obliged. I want them to hangout with me because they want to, because they like being around me. Not because they have to. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

My head kind of hurts, and I am probably overthinking things; lack of sleep will do that to you. Like I said, normally things feel easy and we have fun. But I appear that way at work and I’m definitely just playing a part there. I guess only time will tell, eh?

Anyways, I need to get ready for work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×