Hello May, Good Bye 20s

Hello May, and by hello May, I mean; when the heck did May happen?

As I sit here, I only have 13 days left of my 20’s. I am nearly 3 decades old. Boy, does that sounds odd and a little depressing. Yet, I’m excited. It almost feels like a fresh start.

My 20’s were full of “learning opportunities”. Some of which I needed to learn multiple times, before they sunk it. Entering my 30s, I feel like I’m in a good place, not the place I had planned, but a good, a solid place, having learned a lot from my 20’s. Probably more than I would have liked. I feel like I’ve grown a lot in my 20s and am ready for that the next decade has to bring.

It’s a much different feeling then I had when I turned 25. Boy, I didn’t handle that one well. They call it a quarter century crisis. All I can say is it made for a rough birthday. But I’m hopeful since that went so poorly, 30 will be a walk in the park. I mean, surely I can’t lose it over a birthday twice in 5 years…right?

That said, to be safe, I’m keeping my actual birthday low key. I won’t be celebrating my birthday till the end of June, start of July. I figure if Canada is cool about turning 150, 30 should be nothing. So, me and a friend are going to go to London to see a show and celebrate Canada day. Keeping the focus off me and my age.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy a bottle of wine and take joy in the fact, I only have 4 shifts left at work before I break up for 12 days. But before I go I have this question for you, how did you spend your last birthday? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

The Pattern of Mr. X

I was chatting with a friend regarding the whole Mr. X having working sperm thing and she said something kind of interesting. She said she wasn’t surprised by the action, she was surprised by the timing. 

And until she said that, it hadn’t crossed my mind what time of year it was. Mr. X has a pattern that is known not only to me, but my good friends and even some long time readers have picked up on it. Mr. X, kind of like a rash, tends to flare up twice a year. And thankfully, the flare ups are pretty predictable. He tends to flare up in December (most famously the Christmas eve incident) and then again in May (take your pick of the re-appearing Mr. X incidents I found 3 without really looking).  He’ll pop up elsewhere throughout the year, however, they tend to be his big shows.

This has me a little worried; if this is what he’s doing in April, what does he have planned in May?

Hopefully nothing, and he shot his horrors early this year. Maybe if Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see his shadow Mr. X comes early as well. Who knows.

Anyways, I just thought that was an interesting Mr. X fact for you. I am going to go and enjoy the bottle of wine that is currently in my fridge. But before I go I have this question for you, what May traditions do you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Flipped My Bitch Switch

There was one last thing I wanted to touch on in this whole mess; and that’s the message that flipped my bitch switch, and took me from sad, and hurt to murderous.

I’d like you to bear in mind the conversation before the below message was about him not being happy in his marriage, him wanting to leave, then he dropped the baby news on me, and said he felt he needed to stay. Then he sent me this.

“You and I would have been either awesome or awful

But I don't deserve you

I would never ask you to be the "other woman"

Forget the morality - I don't deserve one night with you

Simple as that”

I lost my shit; I won’t lie and it wasn’t pretty. I know on some level that message should have been a compliment, however, all I could think is how self-centered it was. It’s all about him. What he does or doesn’t he deserve. WHAT ABOUT ME?

Do I not deserve a chance with the man I stood by all these years? Do I not deserve a chance to see what is there? After everything he put me through do I not deserve a happy ending?

He is right, he doesn’t deserve me. I’m far too good for him. But that was my choice to make, not his! But the little chicken shit is too scared, he’s too scared to be happy, because he doesn’t think he deserves it. And up to now I disagreed with him. Hell, all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. Now... Now, even I’ve lost faith.

I almost feel his want to be unhappy is stronger than anything. He feels like he has what he deserves and he’s content with that. And just the thought of that makes me cry. And then gets me angry, because the last thing I should be doing is crying over him.  It’s self-inflicted. The same way he laughs when I’m hungover, I should be mocking him now. But, I am not. Why? Because I’m a casualty in his self-inflected ciaos. And as we’ve seen he has no concern for that fact.

Anyways, I’m hoping some of that made sense. It definitely made me feel better to say it, so that’s win. I am going to go and enjoy what remains of my day off. But before I go, I have this question for you, what flips your bitch switch? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

The Aftermath

Just so you know where we are in the timeline, I’m writing this Monday morning, 2 days after “the news” and about 30 seconds after I decided it was necessary to release my last post nearly a week early and on a non-scheduled day.  I did that for a lot of reasons, but most importantly to keep you guys as close to the events as possible (timeline wise) and in turn stopping me having to revisit things making it easier to heal. 

I didn’t sleep well Saturday night; I wrote my post, logged everything off, even turned my phone off, with the plan of just sleeping it off. My body didn’t agree with that plan. I kept waking up in a panic with my heart racing. I’d calm myself back down and then an hour or so later, it would happen again and that was the story most of the night.

Sunday, I’ll openly admit, I didn’t get out of bed. I spent the day in bed, cuddling a teddy bear, staring at the wall. My TV was on, but, I think I even look it. I was just, broken is probably the best way to describe it.

After I failed to show up to lunch plans I had previously arranged, the gay husband showed up to check on. My phone was still off, which might be a first. He walked in the door and asked, “are you ok?” and I said without even looking at him, “No”, he asked if I wanted to talk about it and again I said “no”. He asked if I planned on getting out of bed. And I said “no”. He then asked if I wanted him to join me, and I simply replied “k”. He crawled into bed next to me and just laid with me, didn’t say a word. At some point I most have finally nodded off and he went home.  I woke up less fuzzy headed, but still not ready to leave my bed. I just spent the rest of the evening curled up hugging the same teddy bear, staring at the wall.

This morning is better. I’ve processed what I needed to process and I’m ok. I suspect I will break down and cry at some point, because I’ll need that to move on. I’m just not there yet. I am actively thinking again, and feeling more able. That said, I know just under the surface it’s still tender and refresh. But it’ll be ok.

I’m going to leave this post here, and hopefully enjoy the rest of my day off before I go back to work tomorrow. Once again, I’m not going to leave a question, but feel free to leave your comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo