Friday, 12 February 2016

A 2016 Outlook On Mr.X

It’s two days before Valentine’s Day so it seems only fitting I do an Mr. X post; the first Mr. X post of 2016 I might add. He sent me a message, be it 3 plus weeks ago by the time you’re reading this, but I wanted to talk it out.

He started off his message by stating my blog seems to be a little tame these days. Which is completely true. I’m not dating these days, I’m focused on work and when I’m not at work I’m decompressing, so I don’t commit murder when I’m back at work.

He then went on to say he was an idiot with me and that he was sorry. I told him there was nothing to be sorry about, which there isn’t. We made peace many moons ago, that’s why we still talk and why we’re still friends.

He then said this “It wasn’t an apology. I was an outspoken regret.” and went on to say he wished he had a second chance and that we had met later in life. This got me thinking.  

I regret nothing in regards to Mr. X, don’t get me wrong, it was horrible at the time and in all honesty, for many years later. But it shaped me. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

He is the reason I am so strong, he’s the reason I will not settle, he is the reason I am so steadfast in my belief and knowledge of what I want. I’m eternally grateful for him being such a cunt to me all those years ago. I would be a very different person if it wasn’t for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I do occasionally wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently between us, but I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t have worked out. We’re very different, yet our personality traits are very similar. He’s a conservative, reserved, Mormon. And I’m a liberal, non-reserved Agnostic. We would have either balanced each other perfectly or killed each other. And given our temperaments, particular back then, my money is on one of us being in jail right now.

The idea of “what if we met later in life” is interesting, but without his influence I wouldn’t where I am today and because of that, I doubt I’d have the skills needed to deal with a personality like his. Hell, if it wasn’t for him, I’d probably would have settled, and be married by now so meeting him wouldn’t even be a possibility.

He ended our conversation with a simple question “are you happy?”. Maybe not such a simple question.

I’m not unhappy, I have what I need. I have people around me I care for and that care for me. I’m very blessed and I know that. Am I as happy as I could be? No. I bottle a lot of stuff up, I don’t really have anyone to lean on and despite having people around me, I have pretty high walls so nobody knows everything.

But would a change a thing? No. I like the person I am. And in all honesty, I like the person Mr. X has become as well. I’m not sure how much of it he can see him self, but he’s come a long, long way. He’s practically a human these days. I’m incredibly proud of him.

Anyways, that’s enough of that, I’m off to grab a nice warm bath and finish off the book I’m reading. But before I go I’ll leave you with this question; are you happy? Let me know in the comments box below. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

The Honest Bitch 

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