The Honest Truth By The Honest Bitch

Friday 21 August 2020

Freaking Out

I am trying hard to keep my crazy at bay, but I am freaking out. And not just a little bit, but a whole bunch of crazy freaking-outness is boiling not even underneath the surface at the point. It’s peaking out and I am playing whack-a-mole with it.

Let me explain; I have a date with Barrie coming up, Sunday 23^rd to be exact. Putting aside that fact, I wasn’t expecting a date for our second date to be set yet, it kind of came out of the blue. The idea of this date has me nervous. The whole thing is atypical and has me on edge.

This isn’t a typical second date, we’ve been talking for almost 4 months. Which makes it weird timing to be having a second date. We’re comfortable with each other, we know a lot about each other and about each other’s routines, but we don’t know each other habits. We’re not where we should be, but we’re not where a typical second date would be either.

The other thing making this date feel more, something, is the fact we’ve booked a hotel. Which being 4 months into a “relationship” makes sense and is perfectly normal. However, we’re only at date number 2. With us being at a hotel, sex is the expectation or at least it feels like it is. And that’s nerve-racking. This is one place I prefer to go with the flow, it’s actually the only place I prefer that.

I am nervous about this date. Like when the hotel was booked, frozen in fear scared. I know it’ll be ok. And I am sure, like last time within minutes I’ll be at easy. That said, right now I am freaking out.

Anyways, I am off to chill out before I had back at work tomorrow. Before I go I will leave you with this question; Do you find 2^nd dates more stressful than first dates? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Friday 14 August 2020

The Gray Zone

If you’ve been here a while the statement I am about to make won’t come as a surprise, but in case you’re new here; I don’t do the grey area well. I put this down to two things, OCD, I can’t stand to leave things unfinished. So being in the grey zone in a relationship plays on that. It never really got started therefor it can’t end. And second Mr. X.

Most people’s relationship trauma comes from bad break ups or bad relationships. I am lucky that I have no lasting scars from my past relationships. Yes, some were less than ideal, but I have made peace with all that. My scarring is in the grey zone. I have no trust in that zone, I am not confident in the zone… I feel vulnerable in that zone. It’s not a place I like to be and my ability to be in it is proving to be minimal. I am aware enough to know it’s not good for my mental health.

However, that OCD of not leaving things unfinished is a powerful bitch. I am at the point where I need to look at the Barrie situation, we’ve been going with the flow for 3 months and like I said I know it’s not good for me. I feel very unlike myself, and I need to get me back. But my head keeps telling me it’s not started so it can’t be done.

I swear I’ve done all the healing and self-reflexion I can from the whole Mr X thing, yet…. Clearly, I am still fucked up. That twat is actually going to land me in therapy at this rate. I

Anyways, I am going to go because I want to cry and that’s not going to happen today. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Friday 7 August 2020

Communication

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again for someone who makes a living (be it part time these days) writing words, I really suck at using them. And that’s not completely my fault, I am trained to swallow as much emotion as I can. Keep a level and put together appearance while not being ok in any shape nor form. So often I fail to communicate what’s going on, or how I am feeling and just brush off things that are upsetting me because that put together appearance is most important. And that, as you can imagine doesn’t tend to end well either.

A simple emotion like missing someone, or disappointment has a way of getting misinterpreted in all the “yeah, I am fine.” It gets perceived as grumpy or standoff -ish or bitchy. When that isn’t the case, at least to start with.

Let’s talk Barrie for a second; he recently said it would be a while before we got to see each again. Which obviously is fine, things happen, but it’s a little disappointing, I mean I do like the guy after all. My reaction to him is one of non-reaction. Clearly that’s not how I feel inside, but I am not about to show that because…. No. So I distanced. It’s easier to keep up appearances that way. He then assumes I am being grumpy and drops his “x’s” from the ends of his messages. I then got grumpy because I wasn’t grumpy in the first place, I was just missing that twat and then he stops talking to me. See the problem? My communication skills are amazing… and I can’t even blame it on verbal issues because this was all in text. And writing is meant to be the thing I am good at…. Someone send help… and alcohol.

This my dear friends is why I am going to die alone. I genuinely had a falling out with a guy because I missed him, and I wanted to see him. Men of the world, I am sorry, you’re just screwed this is how twisted the female brain can be. There is no hope.

Anyways, I am off to drink because scientifically alcohol is in fact a solution. But before I go, I have this question for you, what is the stupid fight you’ve ever had with someone? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Friday 31 July 2020

Am I Broken?

We’re all shaped by our environment, our friends, our family, our work. After my reactions to things over the past week weeks starting to wonder if as a result of my surroundings if I might be broken.

I work in a male dominated environment; I am surrounded by man at their worst. I see and hear the bullshit they pull on a daily basics. I’ve said this many times, my job is part of the reason I’m single. It inherently gives you trust issues. I see that even the “nice guys” are often jerks.

So, in a twist of faith, I met Barrie. The definition of a nice guy. He is sickly sweet, a perfect gentleman, the sort of guy every girl dreams about and I hate it. I feel like I am waiting for his crazy, assholeness to pop out at any moment. I don’t trust that there can be anyone that perfect. And I am aware that issue is totally mine, he’s given me know reason to feel that way.

We’ve been talking over 2 months now and when I say he’s a gentleman I mean it. Good morning messages every morning, sweet comments that actually make me say “aww” out loud. And not even an attempt to sext, no rude pictures. When I said he was the perfect guy, particularly after a while out of the dating pool, I wasn’t kidding. It’s like teenage dating again. It almost feels innocent.

With all that said, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good guys, aren’t single in their 30’s. They’ve all been snapped up. So why is he single, how is he single? What is wrong with him? And why do I have these questions? Why can’t I just enjoy having a good guy after all the fuckwit in my past. Am I truly that jaded?

Anyways, I am off to stew in my own thoughts. But before I go, I have this question for you; Am I the only one who has these thoughts? Am I alone in not trusting nice? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Friday 24 July 2020

The First Date

After almost 2 months of messaging, Barrie and I finally had our first date yesterday, that was 27^th of June since this post is going up much later. I was so scared. Like I said in my previous post, the whole personal trainer thing was stressing me out. My body confidence was low, and I just didn’t think when he finally met me and he saw all of me, the words he’d been saying all this time would hold true.

Before we met up, the weather took a turn and to my amusement Barrie was stress. We were meeting at a country park because thanks to the lockdown nothing is open, so we needed the weather to be on our side and the week up to it, it looked great but the day of the forecast was dire. He was so stressed it was adorable and actually help calm me down because I spent the morning laughing at him. It wasn’t until I was like 5 minutes away, I was scared.

Turns out I was scared for no reason, he walked up to me a massive hug and kiss on the cheek. Definitely a good sign in my books. He then gave me some super pretty flowers and produced 2 umbrellas just in case it did try to rain on our day. We got some drinks a walked around. We’d walk a little, then sit on a bench and chat. It was lovely. We found this gorgeous spot up on a hill, overlooking some water and it was there he kissed me. And I don’t think the smile has left my face since.

It was a lovely day, probably my favourite first date ever. He was cute and so sweet. After being out of the dating game so long it was just what I needed. And to be honest, I am little smitten. He’s one of the good ones… At least so far.

Anyways, that is you lovely people totally up to date on what’s been happening while I’ve been away. It’s been an interesting few months and fingers crossed it stays that way. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Friday 17 July 2020

Quarantine Dating

I feel like this post should start with me singing “bored in the house, and I’m in the house bored.” But it wasn’t me bored; it was the gay husband… the way all good stories start. It was the end of April and it was decided against my will that I needed to join a dating site. Mainly, in my opinion because the gay husband wanted to judge people. But whatever his motive a dating profile was setup.

In case anyone was wondering, dating sites haven’t changed much. They are still filled with a million reminders that dying alone isn’t a bad thing. That said, after a few weeks and contemplating buy cats, a guy who didn’t send out a million warning flags messaged me. For blogging sake, we are going to call him Barrie.

Barrie first messaged me on May 2^nd, he just started with current normal dating site first conversation “how is lockdown treating you?” kind of thing. Unlike most, the conversation kept flowing, and about a week later we exchanged numbers and we’ve been chatting ever since, just for the record I am writing this on June 28^th.

It’s been an interesting way to start a “relationship”, we, until recently, have been under a strict lockdown, so meeting was out of the question. Hell, it was against the law. So, it forced us to chat and get to know each other more than we likely would have otherwise. We really had the opportunity to get to know each other and figure out some of our quirks.

I will tell you guys this, he is a sweetheart. Like sickly sweet. I am not use to it. I mean, I work in transport I am used to asshole men, I have no defence for sweet. He also brings out a softer side in me. He is a trained personal trainer, which has brought out some body confidence issues in me. Like he’s perfect, why would he want wobble old me. But I know that’s a me thing and nothing to do with him. But we will see how that plays out.

And for the record, I am aware how things ended with the last personal trainer I dated, but that was over 10 years ago, and that guy was just a prick, there is no comparison.

Anyways that is it for this post, I am off to message Barrie and smile at my phone like a crazy person. But before I go I have this question for you; Have you started talking to anyone during lockdown? Let me know in the comments below, and, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Friday 10 July 2020

The Obligatory Tyler Update

I’ve been out of the blogosphere for roughly 3 months, so I know you guys would like a Tyler update, since it was my most popular request before I vanished.

Not a whole lot to catch you up on really. He is still a sweetie and the best work husband a girl could ask for. He is still one of the only reason I make it through some shifts without completely snapping. Definitely still the only voice of reason I listen to… most of the time.

However, that’s it. He is not interested. And I hate to put this out there, but I’ve been questioning for a while whether he may be asexual. Please, don’t for a second think this is an ego thing. It’s not his lack of interest in me that is making me question, it’s his lack of interest in anyone. When we talk, he often mentions not getting married or having a family or any relationship at all. He says he fine dying alone. He never comments that a girl is pretty or hot, or guys for that matter. When you ask him about celebrity crushes, he changes the subject. I don’t really know the story, but it makes me wonder.

Anyways, now that I have broken your hearts, I am off, to hopefully write 2 more blog posts because I have a lot to say, this 3 months off has made me chatty. As always you lovely people, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Xoxo