Friday 15 February 2019

Sad Eyes


I’ve mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again, I can’t stand “sad eye”. I’m under no disillusion, I understand my mom is dying and I’m an only child basically losing the only family I have, I get that, and I understand it’s sad. Trust me, I get it, I’ve cried it out many a night. But looking at me with pity sad filled eyes really doesn’t help. It in a lot of ways it makes things worse.

I am a lot less social than I use to be and a lot of that is down to “sad eyes”. I either feel like people feel sorry for me or are judging me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me. To fair, I don’t feel like myself most of the time, but when I do remotely feel normal, I feel as if I can’t show it.

This is part of the reason why the husband loves Tyler so much. He sees that he brings out the silly, fun side of me that hasn’t been around in quite a while. A lot of that was, until very recently, Tyler didn’t know what was going on. I had lost it on the phone with him a couple times, around the time when my mom was having surgery, but never vocalized what was happening. So, it’s yet to be seen whether he’ll continue to bring that out in me or if he’ll be another sad eyes person.

I can tell you he’s back off on non-work days. It’s is not ideal for me, but is understandable. He was a good distraction, but new coping mechanisms are always there to be found.  He doesn’t owe that to me nor would I ask for it so, life ticks on.

Anyways, I am going to go and hit the treadmill because it’s really hard to over think things when you can’t breathe. I would leave you with a Valentine’s related question but… who care? Just leave your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxo

Friday 8 February 2019

Tyler Proves Me Wrong


I made the comment a few weeks ago that Tyler doesn’t flirt. To quote myself, what I actually said was, “Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit.”. And it appears I have to admit I was wrong. It’s almost as if he read my blog and made a point of proving me wrong. However, he didn’t and even if he had the post in question wasn’t up yet so... witchcraft. That’s clearly how he did it.

It’s strange because I said previously, I didn’t know how to handle him because he didn’t flirt and shockingly him flirting threw me off way more. It was so out of the blue it took me back. I was equally shocked, that he actually could flirt, and proud because the line was good. I wanted to give him a gold star.

I can’t for the life of me remember what he said, but ever since then he’s been flirtier. Not my level flirty, but a vast improvement from what he was doing before and let’s be honest. Not many people are my level of flirty.

Don’t get any ideas in your pretty heads though, the gay husband is not now, nor has he ever been right. Yeah, I knew where your minds were headed. Let’s stop those thoughts right there. Ok?

Anyways, I am off to enjoy what I have remaining of my days off, but before I go, I will leave you with this question; are you a nature flirt? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 1 February 2019

Not Off To A Great Start


It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that 2019 is off to a less than perfect start. I’ve said it before, and I meant it, 2019 is going to suck. I didn’t, however, think it would suck this hard, this early on.


On Monday the 21st my mom went it for a routine check-up, it didn’t go well. Her kidney function was down to 8% and a lot of her other stats were not where they should or have been. At this point they tried to admit her. Since my mother is my mother, she told them not a chance that was happening. So, they arrange for her to come back the following morning at 9am, to meet with her team. If you know anything about the NHS, that’s not a good sign, to get a surgeon, doctor, specialist and nurse together, in the same place, with less than 24 hours’ notice is unheard of. And what happened next is even more unheard of. She was told she’d be having surgery at 7am the following day.

We knew she’d have to have surgery again soon due to the cloth is her AV fistula, but nobody was ready for how soon. Like I said the NHS doesn’t move quickly so, this just confirmed to me how bad things were. The surgery went fine, a lot longer than last time. This was down to the blocker they used being inserted into her diaphragm, meaning she was unable to breath on her own. Luckily, she regained the ability the breath unassisted around midnight and they were able to discharge her the next day. She’s at home now, battered a bruised but she’s doing ok.

I, other hand, am all shades of not ok. My only job in all of this is to hold my shit together and I am failing. Tyler said to me, not actually knowing what was going on, it’s ok to fall apart sometimes. And I agree. I have designated failing apart time. I am allowed to fall apart in the shower, in the car on the way home from work and in bed before I fall asleep on non-work days. However, my body doesn’t seem to want to uphold that schedule.

On Tuesday night at work, the day before my mom’s surgery, I was losing it. I held it together, just, on the way in. I kept together as I got everyone out of the office on their jobs. But, around midnight, for no real reason, I started shaking and I could feel the battle was over, I had I couldn’t fight the emotions anymore. At that moment my phone rang, and it was Tyler. I held back what I could and answered the phone. He knew something was up. He offered to listen, but when I couldn't talk about it, he didn’t push to find out what was wrong. He just hung around making jokes where he could.  Shifting my mind off things. I owe him one for that. I wouldn’t have made it through my shift without him.

Anyways, my face is starting to leak and I can’t deal with that right now, so I am going to end this here. I’ll leave with you with this question; how do you hold it together when everything is going wrong? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo

Friday 25 January 2019

Tyler


Apparently, some of you lovely people have decided you required more information before siding with either myself of the gay husband on the whole Tyler thing and since it’s 4am and I can’t sleep I thought I’d humour you.

 Most of you wanted to know a little more about Tyler so here we go. Tyler is a few years younger than me, our birthdays are actually a month a part, making him an Aries and me a Taurus. And if you believe in any of that, you’ll know the stars don’t like that pairing. We both obviously work in the same field and work nights. He happens to like people more than me, I’ve grown a little introverted over the years. As I said before, we both enjoy cheesy films and musicals. He has a fixation for cars. I enjoy classic cars, not classic British cars though, I like hot-rods and muscle cars and if we’re pushing it, I enjoy monster trucks.

Like I said previously my relationship with Tyler very different than the one with Steve. The other night at work we spent 7+ hours on the phone to each other just talking. Work was dead, so we were playing Snapchat games and Words with Friends, and we were singing at each other. It was a lot of fun. However, you know what we didn’t do during that 7 hours? Flirt.

Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit. I, on the other hand, flirt all the time. I don’t even know I’m doing most of the time. It’s like a second language. That said, it’s not just me. Everyone flirts, hell, I’ve heard the guys flirt with each other before now. Its transport; drinking, swearing, bitchy and flirty those are the languages of the industry. And he just doesn’t partake.

I don’t actually know what to do with him in that regard. I’m almost trained to make the dirty punch line quickly, before the guys can, it makes it less awkward. However, since he doesn’t bite, he just giggles when I make the jokes and it’s still a little awkward. I can’t really win.

And as previously mentioned, I am not sure how straight he is. My Gaydar doesn’t seem to even register him as human. I get no reading from him at all. Maybe I need to introduce him to the gay husband to find out for sure.

Anyways, I hope that fills you in on any information you felt you were missing and let me know whose side you’re on, mine or the gay husbands, in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,
The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 18 January 2019

What happened to Steve?


A few have you have been asking what has happened to Steve and since I have no decent blog ideas at the minute, I thought I’d fill you guys in.

The answer is nothing, nothing has happened to Steve. He is still around and is still a great guy I enjoy talking to. However, he had a child and we all know guys with kids aren’t a thing I do. I thought it would be different given they none relationship thing, but no, it’s still a killer.

It’s weird because my main reason for not getting involved with guys with kids has always been, I don’t want to play second fiddle and once a child is in the mix that’s how it is. Which is fine if you’re in a relationship and a kid comes along. You’ve been fist fiddle and had that time, but to never get it… no I couldn’t do it. However, none of that was relevant with Steve, there was no fiddle, just sex.

I don’t know what to tell you, I kid that being turned off by men with kids is my body’s way of not getting pregnant, and I’m starting to believe it. There is just something about them that isn’t for me.

Anyways, I am off to hopefully come up with a blog idea, so I can get another one done and have next week off. But before I go, I have this question for you; would you date someone with kids? Let me know in the comment below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 11 January 2019

Taking Control


While trying to sleep New Years day, something hit me, something I already knew, but my brain wasn’t in the place to hear it. I need to take control of what I can. This year is certainly not going to fun, but there are some things I have control over.

Starting with my blog, I can be constant this year. That is down to me and nobody else. The sky may fall, but my blog is mine and I need to make sure I am using it, not only to keep my views up, but for my sanity. I am a better human when I’m writing.

My health is another thing I have control over, kind of. Weight loss isn’t going to be the goal; I don’t have the mental strength for that right now. But I can build healthy habits. I have a treadmill there is no reason I shouldn’t be using it daily. I used to do it and then I got hurt and stopped. I need to build that back up.

The last thing is my job; I need to have a good look at things and see what I want. If I stay, I will likely be relocating sites this year, which may be what I need. I need to think about things. I am getting older, kids are looking more and more off the table, so I need to look harder at my career.

Anyways, that’s my current ramblings. What are your plans or thoughts for 2019 let me know in the comments below? And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 4 January 2019

Not Feeling 2019


Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo