Bad Decision

I concluded about a week ago that I need to make a few bad decisions in my life, a conclusion that may be strange to some, but I’ll explain that in a moment. My real issue is the universe seems hell bent on preventing me from carrying out my bad decisions and I’m getting annoyed. But I guess I should explain.

Steve is all well and good, but he’s fictional, I mean he’s real but it’s he’s not tangible. I don’t need my head clouded with fairies and unicorns, when what’s around is demons and trolls.  Steve is an ideal, and even that ideal with shattered when you really look at it, as one of you pointed out the other day.

I need to keep my head in the head game and the best way I know to do that is to sharpen my skills with practice. How does one practices dealing with demons and trolls, you ask? You agree to a date with Mr. Block.

The whole thing promises to be an exercise in disappointment. As discussed in my 2014 blogs, I am not physically attracted to him.  This is nothing new though, nor a deal breaker. I have dated many guys I wasn’t attracted to, hell I was engaged to 1 of them, technically 2, but we won’t talk about that. The real issue is at this point I find his personality repugnant. And I’d still happily go through with the date, if the universe would stop getting involved.

Last weekend the universe gave him the flu. I’d normally I’d think he was trying to blow me off, but I am actually friends with his housemate and he too was dying with man flu, capturing every second on SnapChat. This weekend I mentally broke down and spent 3 days in bed. Long overdue and I feel better for it, but ruined the whole date thing.

Today is a bank holiday, and I am trying once again to make this piss poor decision and now, he’s not checking his messages and I’ll be asleep later since I am back to work tomorrow so today looks like a write off too. At this point I could send him a message saying “hey wanna fuck?” and I’m sure a Pterodactyl would swoop down and eat him. I can’t catch a break.

Anyways, I am going to go and get some sleep before I do something really stupid like message Mr. X. But, before I go I have this question for you; What is your deal breaker? Let me know your thoughts in the comment below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

R.I.P

It’s been a rough week; Sunday night the world lost one of the most beautiful, funny, charismatic souls to ever walk this earth. 

For 2 years, he was my shift partner in crime, always managing to make everyone laugh when everything was crashing around us. Always there to cause trouble with when the night shifts were long, and it was dead. Just one of the nicest people you could ever dream of meeting. And on Sunday night, he took his own life. 

I’m struggling to come to terms with it all; he was always there for everyone, and…..

There was not a bad bone in his body and he’s just gone.

This guy was my role model; he lost his mom less than a year ago and he had a break down. Quit his job in the middle of the night, he lost it. I spoke to him about 3 weeks ago, and he was doing so well. He had his crap together, he sounded like himself again…he gave me hope.

He broke down, having a support system around him, siblings, father, step mom. As I watch my mom get sicker. I am aware I don’t have that. I am an only child, raised most of my life by a single mother. When she goes its not going to be pretty. He gave me hope that there would be light at the end of the tunnel and now I’m scared.

Sad and scared.

That said, right now, it’s time to drink Tequila, as we often did after our last shift.  This one is for you, you beautiful bastard. I hope you found peace with your mom up there.

I Am Not OK

 Just a tiny disclaimer; I am posting this out of order as well. Just trying to sort my head out before I have to face the world tomorrow and head back to work.

Let’s be honest, it is no secret that I’m struggling at the moment, between work and my mom, my ability to cope has been more then pushed. So, when my mom’s latest test results came back, and her function was down another 3%, I broke.

It’s funny because I’ve always kidded that I’m a sane crazy person, and that’s what this has been. I can see the warning signs and I know what I am doing is unhealthy, but, the will to do anything else just isn’t there.

Simple things like eating; I’ve eaten gummy bears and a packet of vegi chips in 4 days. I have food in, I could make soup in 2 minutes. Yet I walk to the kitchen, decided fuck it, and get back into bed. I don’t have the will or want to make anything.

Personal care is another thing that’s gone out the window. I haven’t washed my hair this whole 4 off. I haven’t done any skin care in weeks. I’ve been wearing next to no makeup, if any when I am out of the house. I know that doesn’t seem major, but given my collection this is very out of character.

I have also withdrawn socially. I haven’t wanted to do anything this 4 off other than lay in my bed. I have done, maybe 5000 steps in 4 days. I haven’t answered any messages, taken any calls, I haven’t even opened most the messages on my phone. I just haven’t wanted to deal with people.

The ridiculous part is I know cutting myself off is horrible. The night I found out about my mom’s results, in the wee hours I was laying in bed shaking, in floods of tears, really not in a great place; I picked my phone up and started typing, I was trying to distract myself.  Typing and deleting, picking stupidly long words that can’t be spelled. Not really thinking, I did this on Steve’s Snapchat, forgetting Snapchat tells you when someone is typing, he must have spotted this and called me out for it. Rather than answer he’s what’s up questions, I chose to go for a walk, in the rain, in my pjs at 5am. The sad part is, I didn’t even dry off when I got home, I took my shoes off and got straight back into bed soaking wet. All that rather than try and reach out. To be fair, I am sure he wouldn’t have given a fuck, nor would I have blamed him. He’s just a baby and my mental breakdowns is my issue not anyone else’s.

I know none of this is ok, but I have made some smart decisions as well; I’ve cut out drinking and caffeine. I am writing, not posting everything, but getting it off my chest. I am trying to be smart in where I funnel my limited energy into and if I need to stay and bed and cry it out so be it. It’s not ok right now, but it will be.

Anyways, I need to go and sleep because despite spending most of my days off in bed, sleep hasn’t really been happening. I won’t leave you with a question this post, so just stay and play safe my friends.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Late Night Rabblings

Just a tiny disclaimer; I am posting this out of order. I need to sort my head out and this is the only healthy way I know how to do that. I could schedule this to post this later, but I’d rather get it done and gone.

When it comes to my work life, I thrive when I’m left the hell alone. I like to come in do my job and go home. I’m not interested in the ass kissing, ladder climbing, attention grabbing. I’m happiest when my name is not in management’s mouth and they forget I exist. This is why I work nights and its even the reason I write my handovers in a certain way, unlike most, I actually hide what I do overnight. I don’t want management knowing how good I am. In all my reviews I am called the steadiest night operator in the company, and in my book that’s prefect. That should be a recipe for a stress-free life.

Then some genius had the bright idea of taking our nice flat management structure and turning it into a hierarchy with almost as many layers as there are people working there. Which means, instead of dodging 1 manager, who is based 2 hours from where I actually work. I now have to dodge 2 managers and a dumb ass supervisor who has been on an ego trip since he got promoted.

Now, as much as I rather keep my name out of managers mouth’s, I am not one be to walked over either and sadly my company has a habit of doing that if you let them. Since I’m not looking to climb the ladder, I have nothing to lose by my standing my ground and this has a habit of pissing off middle management. I’ve read my contract and T&C I know where I stand, and they can be damned if they think I can be bullied or blackmailed into anything that isn’t in there.

That brings us to the root of the issues, I don’t do overtime or at least not a lot of it. Normally this is because when my ducks are in row, I do acting, improv, I was doing stand up last year, I have a life outside of work. Right now, I’m not doing it because my mom is unwell, and my life is not remotely together. Mentally I can’t cope with overtime, I can barely cope period right now. I am a damn zombie just trying to survive and I’m not doing a good job at that.

Baring in mind my manager knows my mom is unwell; I haven’t told him, but another operator has. He has been trying to push OT for months. I’ve stood my ground and refused. As a result of me refusing he has cancelled a week’s holiday I had booked. Because that didn’t make me back down, he then refused a second lot of my holiday after yelling at me because I had holiday days not booked and then booked me a week’s holiday I didn’t want. And because of “my unwillingness” to do over time I’ve now been temporarily relocated to another depot (that is in my contract in case you’re wondering).

I’ve spoken to Steve about this and he thinks I should go to HR and report the manager. I just don’t think I have that fight in me at the minute. Plus, my gut is telling me if I go to HR I will find myself permanently relocated to Antarctica. I can’t go to my area manager because my manager was the best man at his wedding. So, I am left with suck it up or find a new job or, I guess, marry a penguin.

I just don’t know what I want to do or what I should do or if I should do anything. I’m all out of fight, I am all out of strength, I am all out of will.  All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, all I want is a hug and someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok. But that’s not really how life works is it? We have to dry our tears, put on a smile and carry on, praying we don’t fall apart in public.

Anyways, I am going to go and pull myself together because I don’t have time for a breakdown today. But before I go I leave the question with you, suck it up, HR or new job? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Don’t Settle For Less Than A Steve

Forgetting the fact, the whole Steve thing is morally reprehensible. It has proven to be a good learning opportunity and even seems to have facilitated some self-growth.

This was never more evident to me, then the other night at work. Both Steve and Mr. Block were messaging me at the same time and both conversations were eerily similar but handle in two very different manners.

I had sent both a picture of me at my desk, the image was cleavage heavy, however, I am cleavage heavy so unless I’m in a turtle neck that’s always an issue. Steve’s response was to ask me to remove the filter because “I don’t need it”. While, Mr. Block’s response was to ask me to get my tits fully out. It’s safe to say only one of them received any further images.

Now I am aware both of these gentlemen were after the same thing. Neither of them had pure intentions. Their motivation was more pictures to perv at. But, the old adage is true, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. And Steve is masterful at this.

Steve is basically a horny genius and he really should consider writing a book on his skills. He has mastered the technique of building you up to get the end result he wants. At this point, I can’t tell if this is something he does consciously or subconsciously and to be honest, I don’t want to know.

I’ve gone substantially further with him, digitally speaking, than with any other guys and the reason is simple. He builds me up, he makes me feel good, sexy, cute, he gives and as a result I want to give back. I want to make him feel that same way. Unlike a lot of other guys, who are all about them, who want to know what you’re going to do to them; he’s all about what he’s going to do for you. It’s a nice change.

Motivation aside; the technique is flawless, and the end result is a win, win. He gets off and my confidence is back, and I feel better in myself.

All that said, he is also a genuinely nice guy, which certainly does help the charm factor. He has quickly become one of my favourite humans to talk to at work. It has nothing to do with the flirting, although that is a nice touch, but he is a calm influence and a good voice of reason in a very stressful environment.

Just recently, I was having an issue at work and he the one I turned to not the work BFF. He was so sweet and went out of his way to make sure I was ok, and he offered some incredibly useful advice. I felt so looked after and in such safe hands, I haven’t felt the need to mention it to the work BFF at all.

The issue I have now is when I compare the likes of Mr. Block to Steve (not apples to apple, I know) it doesn’t balance out. Knowing how I feel with Steve, I’m left wondering why Mr. Block’s approach is acceptable. Why should I consider settling for less? I shouldn’t be left questioning things after a conversion with a guy. I shouldn’t be left questioning myself. I am something special, if not to him, to someone.  And if he doesn’t see that or doesn’t make me feel that way, fuck him. Nobody and I mean nobody, should settle for less than a Steve.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the time rest of the time I have off. This post took way longer to write than it should have. But, for I go I have this question for you; What makes you feel special? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

I Told Me So

When you have been a blogger as long as I have (8 years here, 6 on the previous site) sooner or later you’ll prove yourself to be an idiot and won’t even realise it. This is going to be one of those stories, so stay with me until the end.

A few days ago, out the blue my old work husband popped up again, last seen in May for anyone who is keeping score. He sent me a message explained he’d been having family issues and that’s why he hadn’t not been in touch and asking if I was still up for meeting for drinks. I said sure, why not. It would be nice to finally meet after all these years.

Then something happened, during this friendly conversation, this meet up suddenly went from a meet up to an actual date.  And in this moment, I learned something about myself. I don’t like the word “date”.  Mainly because I don’t date, I haven’t for years. I don’t like dating, it’s stupid. Something just about the word makes me nervous and instantly makes me want to cancel. I know this is stupid, but I don’t care.

However, I did talk myself in off the ledge, and I decided to keep the date. At the end of the day, I am a blogger and material is hard to come by. What is the worst that can happen right? At least that was my decision.

I was prompted while writing the post, you’ll hopefully see next week, to look back to through my old blogs. I was certain I had written about the work husband in the past and wanted his “name” for consistency purposes. After looking back through a lot of posts, I found it, boy did I find.

November 2014 was where he was hiding. What was his name you ask? Mr. Block. Anyone remember that prick? To honest, I didn’t until I reread everything. This is where the whole I am idiot comes in.

Frankly, I wasn’t having great feelings towards this date anyways for reasons to be discussed next week. There were signs were there. But, it stings so much more when it’s your own words telling you, your choice of men is horrible and clearly, it’s not improving.

This brings us nicely to the question of the blog; Do you let bygones by bygones or do you heed the warning of the past? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

Understanding A Blogger

It’s a rarity to find someone who understands a blogger, mainly because we don’t tend to understand ourselves half the time. I’ve often said, I don’t know what I am truly thinking until I read it back. And to find someone who is understanding of that process is damn near impossible.

If you’ve been here a while you’ll know, I’ve had my fair share of blog related drama over the years. A couple of lawsuits (all won, by the way), a couple breakups and more than a few fights. Blogging is not something everyone can handle nor understand, and I get it. The likes of Mr. X couldn’t even handle my blog sometimes, and he’s a blogger himself. Which are all reasons why I tend to keep my URL to myself.

Then enters Steve, who has challenged all my preconceived notions of someone being able to understand the process. And to be honest, I’m a little pissed off about it. Which I am positive isn’t a normal response, but I gave up on normal years ago.

If you read my last post you know Steve and I had minor issue a few days ago (a few weeks ago by the time you’re reading this). The following day he wanted to know what set me off and why I was so upset. At this point I explained, I needed to write first, then I’d explain everything. And to my horror he ok with this. He actually understood where I was coming from. What the hell?

He actually managed to explain my logic to me on the matter in a better way than I could. He totally understood what was going on and he fine with it. If he doesn’t get mad at what he reads here; he might actually be the perfect man. And clearly that pisses me off.

Allow me to explain that one; I am pissed off that for years I’ve made excuses for douchebag men who couldn’t handle the blog, when clearly the skill set to cope is out there. I’m pissed off that more than once I’ve settled for guys who couldn’t cope, when I shouldn’t have. And I’m pissed up that this gem that can cope is wasted on a non-blogger. 

Apparently, I am just pissed off, but what else is new eh? But as always, I’ll be ok. And at least now I know it’s possible to find someone who isn’t a man child about the whole blogging thing. So, who knows, maybe there is hope I’ll find someone someday. Personally, my money is still on 700 cats, but you never know.

Anyways, you beautiful bastards, I am going to go and try to shift my hangover. But before I leave you I have this question; what skill or quality have you given up trying to find in a partner? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo