How the Chicken Got His Name

I have told this story before but someone asked me about it the other day so I thought I’d tell it again. Besides, it’s my only relationship story that doesn’t end with me wanting to commit murder.

This story begins (like a lot of my stories) in my local pub on a Thursday night. I was having a drink at the pub with my friend K, my boyfriend at the time (the Grinch) and K’s boyfriend Jeff who was working behind the bar.

A bunch of the guys were playing poker, and as I was chatting to Jeff I noticed a new guy with them looking our way and smiling. So I smiled back and went back to chatting. As the night went on I noticed him making flirting eyes our way and smiling. When he’d come up to the bar to get a drink he’d make small talk with Jeff then go back to his table.

After a few hours of this I turned to Jeff and said “who the hell is this guy flirting with me or you? “ He said he wasn’t sure so I said to him “go on, flirt back with him, you know you want to.” As you can imagine Jeff wasn’t game for that idea. But when K and Grinch went outside for a smoke he said to me “why don’t you do it?” So me being me and not needing much egging on, I did. And soon it was very clear the new poker play guy wasn’t gay. So with that the mystery was solved, and that was that.

Around 10pm The Grinch said he was leaving so he got up gave me a kiss and headed for the door. Before he was even out the second set of doors the mystery flirty guy was next to me and handed me a little piece of paper.

The paper said (which I actually still have) “Hello I’m Mike. Couldn’t help but notice you, my number is xxx xxx, give me a call or text if you would like to get to know me, no hard feelings if not x”.

Since I had a boyfriend at the time I didn’t have much interest in getting to know him better so when I got to my car, I threw it down somewhere and forgot about it.

Over the next few months Mike came in the pub most Thursday night to play poker with the guys. So despite not texting him I did ended up talking to him a few times and getting to know him a little better. I was pleasantly surprised to find out he was a nice guy who was a lot of fun to be around (I normally only get hit on by freaks.)

One night K and I were in the pub bored out of our minds, so she suggested we text Mike. I said ok but she’d have to go liberate his number from the mess that was my car. Once she managed to find it we started sending him random messages while he tried to work out who the hell was messaging him saying they were the tooth fairy.

Before he managed to work out who we were K had to go home leaving me alone to continue our game. It took him a few hours but he managed to work out who it was and after he guessed we chatted for a while, actually if I remember right I actually fell asleep texting him.

Before you ask I did tell The Grinch about me texting Mike and he didn’t care so I continued doing it. It was all harmless and friendly minus his choice words about my boyfriend (which in hindsight he was right about).

That was until one Thursday night in May (3 days before my 21st birthday to be exact) when I was in the pub with the Grinch and Mike was in playing poker with the guys. Mike smiled at me and pulled a funny face which made me laugh, apparently the Grinch didn’t find it so funny because 2 minutes later I was single. Oh well, it turns out the Grinch was cheating on me with a blonde anyways so it was well worth the laugh.

When I left the pub Mike could tell something was up so he called to check on me. When I told him what happened he said to come get him from the pub if I wanted to talk. But by that time K was at my house and she wouldn’t let me go see him. She felt it was a bad idea and she may have been right.

That didn’t stop Mike and I from texting though and since I was now single things were a little less PG....ok a lot less. But he was always a gentleman and sweetheart when K and I would see him in person.

After a few weeks he suggested I go and see him at the pub, since everyone knows me in there and they like to talk, I wasn’t very keen on that idea. Since I wouldn’t go and see him, he kept calling me chicken.

About a week later I sent him a message asking if he was coming to the pub with K and I. He said he’d pass, so I sent him a message saying “what are you, some sort of big chicken man?” He didn’t reply so when I got to the pub and K asked where he was I said he wasn’t coming because he was a chicken man and it kind of stuck.

We finally managed to meet up alone about a month after my birthday. He definitely won me over that night. When I saw him the first thing I noticed was a picture of a chicken on his t-shirt. I couldn’t help but smile. When he leaned in to kiss me, he said “come on are you chicken?” and never one to be out done I said “not at all, you’re the Chicken Man.” And with that I kissed him.

So that is how Chicken Man got his name and if you ask me he kind of sealed his own fate. Moral of the story be careful who you call chicken or you may find yourself being called Chicken Man for the rest of your life.

What nickname stories do you guys have? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxoxo

Texting Do's and Don'ts

I received an email from someone asking me about texting etiquette. Oddly enough it’s something I hadn’t given much thought to so I decided to do a little research on the matter. It didn’t take long for me to regret that decision. Everybody and their mother seem to have their opinion on the matter and some of those opinions are simply bat-shit crazy.

So I’ve decide to save you the trouble of wading through the guano and make a list of the 10 do’s and don’ts that actually make sense and are routed in reality. Not as easy as it may sound there are a lot of whack-jobs out there.

So let’s get started:

Don’t Over Abbreviate- Better yet don’t abbreviate at all! First of all it’s annoying and second it makes you sound uneducated. Why anybody would wilfully make themselves sound like an idiot is beyond me.

Don’t Guess- When someone sends you a cryptic message that you don’t fully understand don’t guess at its meaning. This leads to misunderstandings and unneeded arguments. Just simply ask what the other person means or wait until you see them in person. Sounds so simple I know.

Don’t Operate a Phone Angry- This includes texting, nagging and snapping back at someone, just step away from the phone. Also included in this rules; do not try to resolve any conflicts via text. It’s very hard to judge tone in a text message which makes conflict resolution nearly impossible and more fighting almost inevitable. 

Don’t Reveal Anything Embarrassing- This includes operating a phone under the influence, and sending picture messages. There are just something’s it’s best not to have a written recorded of. Embarrassing stories and drunken conversations are high up that list, just don’t do it.

Don’t Send Non-Committal Messages- Messages like “we should go for a drink sometime” or “we should catch up” everyone can see through those hollow messages, so why bother? Not to mention they’re really irritating.

Do Text Before a Date- Especially before a first date, 86% of women asked said a text before a date puts them more at easy. Plus it’s just the polite thing to do. I know if I don’t get a text before a date I starting wondering whether I’m going to get stood up.

Do Reply ASPA- I read a few articles that suggest making a guy wait awhile before replying and ok I can see making him wait a little, 20 minutes/ half hour tops but beware most people will assume their being ignored if they don’t get a reply within an hour. So be careful of playing games.

Do Be a Positive Texter- Send your other half sweet nothings and maybe some harmless flirting and a little teasing, just try to keep it PG-13.  Also try to send praise and encouragement; if you know your other half has a big meeting at work or an exam send them a little love.

Do Send Late Night Messages – But use some common sense when doing so. If you know they have an early meeting, don’t send a message after 10pm. Personally I love getting good night messages but I hate getting woken up by them so use your brain and be considerate when sending messages.

Don’t Text All Day- There were a few websites that said not to text every day. I think that’s just crazy. Texting is the world we live in so texting on a daily bases is perfectly fine. Don’t however text all day, every day. That’s a bit much and makes you come off pathetic and needy. And as we all know nobody wants to date pathetic and needy.

So those are the 10 do’s and don’ts I managed to come up with that seemed to make some form of sense. Personally I think if you have any common sense at all you shouldn’t need these rules but I’ve learned over the years that common sense isn’t all that common so I guess a little guidance never hurt anyone.

I guess all that’s left is for me to ask are there any do’s and don’ts I missed and have you ever dated anyone who has broken these rules? I want to hear your stories in the comment box below. As always my dears stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Dating Rules

After a few drinks the girls and I (and our phones) got chatting about dating rules. I’m not sure if it was the tequila or the rules but 99.9% of them made no sense at all. And the idea that there are women out there actually following these rules is just absurd. So absurd it calls for a blog.

Here are some of the gems we found.

Never divulge unnecessary information: - This rule is very true if you are being questioned by the police, however in the dating world it’s stupid. What are you going to do stick to yes or no answers all night? If you did that you’d never get a second date. A better rule would be, be smart about what you reveal and when. Not you have the right to remain silent. That’s just stupid.

If he doesn’t send flowers after a date dump him: - If a guy sent me flowers after the first date I’d be worried they were laced with chloroform. If the guy paid for the date (which he better have) there is no reason for him to send flower it’s 2012 not 1912.

Don’t have sex with a guy until he has fallen for you: - There are so many things wrong with this rule I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll just say this, don’t sleep with a guy until you feel ready that’s the only rule you need on that matter.

Wait at least 3 days before replying to him: - I don’t know one guy wroth dating that would wait 3 days for a reply. If you keep a guy waiting that long don’t be surprised when he moves on.

If he doesn’t reply to you within 3 days move on: - Double standard much? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Never reply to him on the weekends: - I know you can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes at this one. The idea is this rule makes it look like you lead a busy life. Give me a break, as my dear friend NTB would say “DON’T PLAY GAMES!” If you play games like this don’t get all pissy when he plays games back.

After many hours and way too many cocktails the 5 of us (4 girls and our GBFF) managed to find a few dating rules we all agreed on. One thing is for sure you can be damn certain we didn’t find them on any Christian dating sites (“Don’t kiss him until there is a rock on your finger”, I’m still laughing at that one.).

These are the rules we all agreed on

Trust your instincts: - If you think something isn't right odds are you're spot on.

Sometimes sex is just sex: - Don’t try to make it something more then what it is.

Being single isn’t the end of the world: - You’d never know it by the way some girls act.

Dating is meant to be fun: - Enjoy it don’t treat it like a job interview.

Drunk is not sexy: - This is true for both men and women. No your limits and stop drinking before you reach them.

Speak your mind; you won’t scare away Mr. Right: - I love this rule because I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut if I wanted to.

And last but not least

No man is perfect and neither are you

Those are the rules we could all agree on and hopefully they’re a little less crazy then some of the other ones out there. What do you guys think? Are there any we missed? And are there any other dating rules you find absolutely absurd? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Change

Last night I was in a bit of a playful mood so when I noticed Mr. X had posted an uncharacteristic status I couldn’t help but give him a hard time about it. After a few exchanges in which he didn’t bite back like normal he basically said being in love has changed him. My first reaction was “awwww did the Grinch’s heart grow 3 sizes. You know people die from enlarged hearts every day.” What can I say? Being a bitch and sarcasm kind of go hand in hand.

My next reaction was one of repulsion. I fell in love with his quick-witted, sarcastic, sharp tongue humour. Him turning into a sensitive shell of his former self is (lets go with) unappealing. Whoever he’s dating can have him; I like my men a little less close to metro sexual line.

My exchange with my former kryptonite got me thinking about change and whether changing in a relationship is a positive or negative thing, a sign of growth or maybe one of insecurity.

 We’ve all been there, dating someone, normally someone out of our league, and all of a sudden you’re pretending to like music you’ve always hated just because “it’s his favourite”, watching war films with more blood then acting. We’ve all done it at some point. Dating someone out of our league changing ours selves in an attempt to prevent him from figuring out you’re out of his league.

That’s insecurity for you and it’s definitely not a positive thing.

On the other hand there are relationships that change you, admittedly all mine have been for the worse. But I hear it works the other way too. Relationships that make you want to be a better you. Unlike mine which make me want to become serial killer but I’m sure that’s just me.

Becoming a better person isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually very positive but a fixer upper man isn’t.

That’s what I wonder about how many people actually change within themselves and how many are moulded in a fixer upper project?

When you get in a relationship you’re meant to love the person for who they are and not what you can change them into. Plus you can’t really change anyone; fixer upper changes are most always temporary. They relapse and you’re left frustrated and disappointment, trust me on that one.

This is one of those blogs where I just don’t have an answer or even a clue for that matter. So I guess I’ll leave it in your capable hands. Is changing in a relationship and good or bad thing and why?

As always my dears stay safe and have a great weekend.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

One Last Lesson

As I sit here on my bed thinking about my reaction or lack of reaction to the whole Mr. X new love thing. It finally hit me, I could lay here and cried all I wanted, but he wouldn’t care, and that’s why I don’t.

I’ve spent so many years chasing the phantom, convincing myself I’ve put too much effort and time in to give up. I think by the end it became more about the thrill of the chase and the need to win more then wanting a relationship or anything like that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I genuinely love about him. His sense of honour, his wit, the fact his assholedom pushes me and motivates me to do my best. But let’s face fact...I’m not what he wants.

And.....I’m ok with that.

When I really think about it, he isn’t what I want either. I want someone who’ll take me as I am, someone who cares enough to spare my feelings, someone who will be there when I’m upset or hurt. I remember being in hospital, waking up after surgery in the recovery room and asking for him. But even then, deep down I knew he’d never be that guy.

The truly fucked up part of that story is I was deep into a relationship with Chicken Man at the time, who I also didn't see while I was in hospital but I digress.

After everything is said and done, I don’t regret anything and I can honestly say it hasn’t left me bitter. Some guys give you earth shaking orgasms and others just shake you to your core, changing you forever. Since I’m not the same girl I was all those years ago I can safely say he did that.

And as a parting gift he taught me one more very valuable lesson...

....You can’t win them all.

-The Honest Bitch